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ipiiii  ii 

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THE 


LETTER-BAG 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN; 


LIFE  IN  A  STEAMER. 

Dulce  est  desippere  in  Loco. 

BY  THE  AUTHOR  OF 
"THE  SAYINGS  AND  DOINGS  OF  SAMUEL  SLICK,"  &c.  &c. 


PHILADELPHIA : 
LEA    &    BLANCHARD. 

1840. 


.Ho- 5- 


STEREOTYPED  BY  J.  PAGAX PIIILADELrHTA. 

PRINTED  BY  T.  K.   AND   P.   O.  COLLINS. 


Vmnctoh  L&mtf 


CONTENTS. 


Dedication Page  v 

Preface xi 

No.  I.  Journal  of  an  Actress 17 

II.  Letter   from   Cato  Mignionette  (the  coloured 

Steward)  to  Mr.  Lavender 25 

III.  Do.      from  Captain  Haltfront,  of  the 

Regiment  of  Foot,  to  Lieut.  Fugleman     31 

IV.  Do.      from  a  Midshipman  of  H.  M.  S.  Lap- 

wing to  an  Officer  of  the  Inconstant .     40 
V.     Do.     from  John  Skinner  (Butcher)  to  Mary 

Hyde 48 

VI.     Do.     From  one  of  the  Society  of  Friends  to 

her  Kinswoman 53 

VII.     Do.      from  a  New  Brunswicker  to  his  Friend 

at  Fredericton 59 

VIII.     Do.      from  an  Abolitionist  to  a  Member  of 

Parliament 67 

IX.     Do.      from  a  Cadet  of  the  Great  Western  to 

his  Mother 79 

X.     Do.     from  a  Lawyer's  Clerk 80 

XI.     Do.      from  aTravellerbefore  he  had  travel  led     84 
XII.     Do.     from  a  Stoker 91 

XIII.  Do.      from  a  Stockholder  of  the  Great  West- 

ern to  the  Secretary 96 

XIV.  Do.     from  a  Servant  in  search  of  a  place  .   103 

(3) 


IV  CONTEXTS. 

XV.    Letter  from  a  French  Passenger  to  his  Friend 

in  London 108 

XVI.      Do.      from  an  Old  Hand 113 

XVII.      Do.      from  an  American  Citizen 117 

XVIII.      Do.      from  Elizabeth  Figg  to  John  Buggins    124 

XIX.     Do.      from  the  Son  of  a  Passenger 130 

XX.      Do.      from  the  Professor  of  Steam  and  As- 
tronomy (otherwise  called  the  Clerk) 

to  the  Directors 135 

XXI.     Do.      from  Moses  Levy  to  Levi  Moses 142 

XXII.      Do.      from  a  Servant  of  a  Family  travelling 

to  Astoria 145 

XXIII.  Misdirected  Letter  No.  1 — From  a  Colonist  to 

his  Father 151 

XXIV.  Misdirected  Letter  No.  2 — From  a  Colonist  to 

his  Brother 154 

XXV.  Letter  from  a  Loco  Foco  of  New  York  to  a 

Sympathiser  of  Vermont 156 

XXVI.     Do.   from   a  Coachman  on   the   Rail-Road 

Line 164 

XXVII.     Do.   from  the  Wife  of  a  Settler  who  cannot 

settle 170 

XXVIII.     Do.   from  the  Author 180 


DEDICATION. 


TO  THE  RIGHT  HONOURABLE 

LORD    JOHN    RUSSELL. 

My  Lord  : 

Your  Lordship  will,  no  doubt,  be  at  a  loss 
to  understand  how  it  is,  that  you  have  had  the  honour 
of  this  dedication  conferred  upon  you,  which  you  had 
so  little  reason  to  expect ;  and,  as  you  have  never  seen, 
and  probably  never  heard  of,  the  author,  must  be  con- 
scious you  have  done  so  little  to  him  to  deserve  ;  and  it 
is  but  reasonable  and  just  that  I  should  explain  the  mo- 
tives that  actuated  me.  Dedications  are  mendacious 
effusions,  we  all  know ;  and  honest  men  begin  to  be 
ashamed  of  them,  as  reflecting  but  little  honour  on  the 
author,  or  the  patron ;  but  in  a  work  of  humour,  an 
avowal  of  the  truth  may  well  find  a  place,  and  be 
classed  among  the  best  jokes  it  contains.  I  have  se- 
lected your  Lordship,  then,  as  my  Mecocnas ;  not  on 
account  of  your  quick  perception  of  the  ridiculous,  or 
your  powers  of  humour,  but  solely  on  account  of  the 
very  extensive  patronage  at  your  disposal.  Your  Lord- 
ship is  a  colonial  minister,  and  I  am  a  colonial  author ; 
the  connexion  between  us,  therefore,  in  this  relation  is, 
so  natural,  that  this  work  has  not  only  a  claim  to  your 
protection,  but  a  right  to  your  support.  All  the  world 
will  say  that  it  is  in  vain  for  the  whig  ministry  to  make 
1  *  (v) 


VI  DEDICATION. 

protestations  of  regard  for  the  colonies,  when  the  au- 
thor of  that  lively  book,  "  The  Letter-Bag  of  the  Great 
Western,"  remains  in  obscurity  in  Nova  Scotia,  lan- 
guishing for  want  of  timely  patronage ;  and  posterity, 
that  invariably  does  justice,  (although  it  is,  unfortunately 
rather  too  late,  always)  will  pronounce  that  you  failed 
in  your  first  duty,  as  protector  of  colonial  literature, 
if  you  do  not  do  the  pretty  upon  this  occasion.  Great 
men  are  apt  to  have  short  memories ;  and  it  is  a  com- 
mon subject  of  complaint  with  authors,  that  they  are 
materially  injured  by  this  defect  in  their  organization. 
Literary  men,  however,  may  ascribe  much  of  the  dis- 
appointment they  experience,  to  their  own  disinge- 
nuousness.  They  usually  begin  by  expressing  great 
diffidence  of  their  own  talents,  and  disparaging  their 
own  performances,  and  end  by  extolling  the  acquire- 
ments, the  liberality,  and  the  discernment  of  their  pa- 
trons ;  and  the  latter  generally  admit  the  truth  of  both 
these  propositions,  which  is  all  that  is  required  of  them, 
and  there  the  matter  ends.  I  prefer  the  more  straight- 
forward course  of  telling  the  truth ;  and  so  far  from  de- 
tracting from  the  merits  of  this  work,  and  undervalu- 
ing myself,  I  am  bold  to  say,  it  is  quite  as  good  a  book, 
and  as  safe  in  its  tendencies,  as  those  of  a  certain 
fashionable  author,  who  found  favour  at  the  hands  of 
your  party,  and  is  therefore  eminently  entitled  to  your 
special  regard. 

I  have  inscribed  it  to  you,  accordingly,  not  for  the 
purpose  of  paying  a  compliment  to  your  Lordship,  but 
that  you  may  have  an  opportunity  of  paying  a  very 
substantial  compliment  to  me. — Like  an  eastern  pre- 
sent, it  is  expected  that  it  should  be  acknowledged  by 
one  of  still  greater  value  ;  and,  in  order  that  there  may 


DEDICATIOiV.  rH 

be  no  mistake,  I  beg  your  Lordship  to  understand  dis- 
tinctly, that  its  merits  are  very  great,  and  that  the  re- 
turn should  be  one  suitable  for  your  Lordship  to  give, 
and  me  to  receive ;  and  not  such  a  one  (as  the  Cana- 
dian rebels  said  to  Lord  Durham)  "  as  shall  be  unwor- 
thy of  us  both."  Now,  my  Lord,  I  had  the  pleasure 
of  being  in  England  during  the  coronation,  and  the 
high  honour  of  being  present  at  it.  I  will  not  say  I 
crossed  the  Atlantic  on  purpose,  because  that  would 
not  be  true ;  but  I  can  safely  say,  not  that  I  would  go 
twice  as  far  to  see  another,  because  that  would  be 
treasonable  as  well  as  false,  but  that  that  magnificent 
spectacle  was  well  worthy  of  the  toil  of  going  twice 
as  far  for  the  express  and  sole  purpose  of  witnessing  it. 
The  enthusiasm  and  unanimity  of  feeling  that  pervaded 
all  classes  of  the  assembled  multitudes,  gave  a  charm 
and  an  influence  to  that  gorgeous  ceremony,  that 
neither  rank,  nor  riches,  nor  numbers  can  ever  bestow. 

Upon  that  occasion,  the  customary  honours,  promo- 
tions, medals,  ribbons,  and  royal  favours,  were  distri- 
buted among  those  of  Her  Majesty's  subjects  who  were 
supposed  to  be  distinguished  for  their  loyalty  and  de- 
votion. 

Few  of  them,  however,  have  since  shown  by  their 
conduct,  that  they  were  worthy  of  it.  Instead  of  be- 
ing overwhelmed  with  gratitude,  as  I  should  have  been, 
had  my  merits  been  duly  appreciated,  these  people 
have  filled  the  country  with  their  lamentations.  The 
army  complains  that  its  rewards  are  by  no  means  ade- 
quate to  its  deserts.  The  navy  proclaims,  with  a  noise 
resembling  that  of  a  speaking-trumpet,  that  it  has  not 
been  honoured  in  an  equal  manner  with  the  army ; 
and   the    East   India    legions  say  that  the  navy  and 


VIU  DEDICATION. 

Queen's  troops  have  monopolized  every  thing  that  was 
valuable,  and  left  for  them  only  enough  to  mark  their 
inferiority*  All  this  is  very  amusing,  but  very  ungrate- 
ful. Pets  are  always  troublesome.  I  wish  them  all 
to  understand,  and  you,  too,  my  Lord,  that  the  colonies 
not  only  did  not  obtain  their  due  share  of  notice,  but 
w^ere  forgotten  altogether,  notwithstanding  the  thou- 
sands of  brave  and  loyal  people  they  contain.  They 
were  either  overlooked,  amidst  the  numerous  prepara- 
tions for  that  great  event,  or  the  cornucopia  was  ex- 
hausted, before  the  hand  that  held  it  out  had  reached 
half-way  across  the  Atlantic. 

Your  Lordship  was  a  strenuous  advocate,  in  days 
gone  by,  for  extending  representation ;  and,  therefore, 
though  no  whig  myself,  I  beg  leave  to  extend  this  repre- 
sentation to  you,  because  you  were  not  then  in  the 
colonial  office ;  and  I  know  of  no  man  there  who  will 
inform  you  of  the  mission.  To  show  you  the  want  of 
liberality  in  those  who,  for  years  past,  have  made  the 
selection  of  names  for  royal  favour,  it  is  only  neces- 
sary to  point  to  the  case  of  certain  persons  of  colonial 
extraction.  Now  these  very  impartial  judges  of  merit 
appear  to  have  forgotten  that  they  were  advanced 
before,  and  already  covered  with  honours.  How  much 
more  just,  then,  as  well  as  more  courteous,  would  it 
have  been  in  them,  to  have  waited  for  their  last  step, 
until  we  had  effected  our  first !  But  this  is  not  all — 
some  of  them  were  appointed  to  govern  a  distant  pro- 
vince ;  then  Ireland ;  afterwards  to  preside  over  all 
the  colonies ;  and  subsequently  to  direct  the  Internal 
affairs  of  the  nation  in  the  Home  Office.  In  your  hu- 
mid climate,  it  never  rains  but  it  pours;  but  in  the 
colonies,  as  in  Egypt,  it  never  rains  at  all — ev^en  the 


DEDICATION.  IX 

dew  is  wanting.  How  many  of  these  honours,  my 
Lord,  would  these  persons  have  reaped,  had  their  pre- 
decessors remained  colonists ;  and  not  shown  their 
sense  and  foresight,  by  a  timely  removal  to  a  country 
in  which  the  lottery  of  life  contains  all  these  brilliant 
prizes,  instead  of  a  mass  of  blanks,  as  with  us  !  What 
is  the  necessary  qualification  for  advancement  ?  Is  it 
talent  and  industry  ?  Try  the  paces  and  bottom  of  the 
colonists,  my  Lord,  and  you  will  find  they  are  not 
wanting.  Is  it  humbug?  There  are  some  most  ac- 
complished and  precious  humbugs  in  all  the  provinces  ; 
men  who  would  do  credit  to  any  government,  and 
understand  every  popular  pulsation,  and  accelerate 
or  retard  its  motion  at  will.  Is  it  agitation?  The 
state  of  Canada  shows  how  successful  we  are  in  the 
exercise  of  that  laudable  vocation.  Is  it  maintaining 
the  honours  of  the  national  flag  ?  The  most  brilliant 
naval  achievement  of  the  American  war  ;  the  first  that 
occurred  after  a  series  of  defeats ;  and  the  last  of  the 
same  gallant  style,  was  the  act  of  a  colonist ;  and  the 
Chesapeake  was  conducted  into  the  harbour  of  Halifax 
by  a  native  of  the  town.  Has  he  ever  been  rewarded 
by  any  of  those  special  marks  of  favour  that  distin 
guish  those  peculiarly  happy  men — the  sons  of  the  free- 
men of  a  little  English  corporation  ? 

We  af!brd  a  wide  field  for  the  patronage  of  our 
more  fortunate  brethren  at  home;  and  Governors, 
Admirals,  Commissioners,  and  Secretaries,  are  first 
promoted  over  us,  and  then  rewarded  with  further  pro- 
motion for  the  meritorious  endurance  of  a  five  years' 
exile  among  the  barbarians. 

Like  a  good  shepherd,  my  Lord,  open  the  gates,  and 
let  down  the  bars,  and  permit  us  to  crop  some  of  our 


X  DEDICATION. 

own  pastures,  that  good  food  may  thicken  our  fleeces 
and  cover  our  ribs ;  for  the  moanings  and  bleating 
of  the  flock,  as  they  stretch  their  heads  over  the  fence 
that  excludes  them,  and  regard  with  longing  looks  the 
rich  herbage,  is  very  touching,  I  assure  you.  It  does 
not  become  me,  my  Lord,  to  say  what  I  do  expect  for 
myself;  but  if  the  office  of  distributor  of  honours  and 
promotions  among  colonists,  is  vacant,  as  there  are  no 
duties  to  perform,  and  the  place  is  a  sinecure,  it  would 
suit  me  uncommonly  well,  and  afl^ord  me  leisure  to 
cultivate  talents  that  are  extremely  rare  among  the 
race  of  officials. 

Such  a  step  would  confer  great  honour  on  your  Lord- 
ship, and  do  me  justice.  Having  committed  so  great 
an  error  as  to  omit  the  colonists,  on  that  joyous  occa- 
sion, as  if  we  were  aliens,  it  would  show  great  mag- 
nanimity to  acknowledge  it  now,  and  make  reparation. 

This,  my  Lord,  is  the  object  of  this  dedication ;  and 
if  that  object  be  attained,  it  will  then  be  in  my 
power,  should  I  ever  again  make  my  appearance  be- 
fore the  public,  to  have  something  to  extol  besides  my 
own  book,  and  another  person  to  laud  besides 

Your  Lordship's  most  obedient 

Humble  servant, 

The  Author. 
Nova  Scotia,  Nov.  15, 1839. 


PREFACE. 


Whoever  may  condescend  to  read  these  elegant 
epistles  will  naturally  enquire  how  they  came  into  my 
possession,  and  by  what  authority  they  are  now  given 
to  the  world.  The  question  is  certainly  an  important 
one,  because  if  it  shall  appear  that  the  secresy  of  the 
Post-Office  has  been  violated,  there  will  be  a  "  corre- 
sponding" diminution  of  the  confidence  of  the  Public 
in  this  department.  The  obvious  inference  is,  I  con- 
fess, either  that  the  Postmaster-General  has  been 
guilty  of  unpardonable  neglect,  or  that  I  have  taken  a 
most  unwarrantable  liberty  with  his  letter-bag. — Under 
these  circumstances  I  regret  that  I  do  not  feel  myself 
authorized  even  in  my  own  justification  to  satisfy  the 
curious  reader,  and  that  the  only  reply  I  can  give  at 
present  is — Ask  Spring  Rice  —  He  is  a  "  frank"  man 
and  no  one  that  has  ever  listened  to  his  serious  refuta- 
tion of  the  absurd  story  about  his  colleagues'  whiskers, 
can  doubt  that  he  will  give  the  necessary  explanation. 
He  is  devoted  to  the  cause  of  men  "  of  Letters "  and 
delights  in  "forwarding"  their  views.  Whatever  his 
consistency  may  be,  few  men  aim  at  "  uniformity  "  so 
much  as  he  does.  He  has  reduced  the  postage,  and 
though  many  persons  accuse  him  of  being  "  penny-wise  " 
in  this  matter,  the  result  will  show  that  it  is  not  he  but 
the  public  that  will  be  "pound-foolish"  in  the  end. 
This  must  remain  therefore  in  an  "  envelope  "  of  mys- 
tery until  he  chooses  to  remove  the  "  seal "  of  secresy. 

(xi) 


Xll  PREFACE. 

To  the  American  reader  it  may  be  not  altogether  un- 
necessary to  state  that  "  Spring  Rice,"  like  many  other 
words  and  terms,  has  a  different  meaning  on  different 
sides  of  the  Atlantic.  In  America  it  signifies  a  small 
grain  raised  in  low  land  amid  much  irrigation,  in  Ire- 
land a  small  man  reared  in  boggy  land  amid  great  irri- 
tation ;  and  the  name  of  "  Paddy  "  is  common  to  both. 
In  the  former  country  it  assumes  the  shape  of  "  arrack 
hquor,"  in  the  latter  "  arack "  rent.  In  both  there  is 
an  adhesiveness  that  is  valuable,  and  they  are  prized 
on  that  account  by  a  class  of  persons  called  "  Cabinet 
makers." 

The  Spring  Rice  I  allude  to  is  the  man  not  the 
grain,  and  as  an  Irishman  it  is  "  in  the  grain  of  the 
man "  to  have  his  attention  directed  to  "  transporta- 
tion." It  is  a  national  and  natural  trait  in  his  character. 
Former  Governments  tranquillised  Ireland  by  trans- 
porting men,  he  more  humanely  by  transporting  Let- 
ters. He  has  therefore  wisely  connected  national 
education  with  national  postage,  for  it  is  obvious  there 
will  be  few  letters  where  only  a  few  can  write  and 
read.  Indeed  it  is  natural  to  suppose  that  a  people 
who  deal  in  '*  Letters  "  and  supply  the  English  market 
will  T)ecome  "  literary  "  men,  and  an  Irishman  will  be 
at  no  loss  to  comprehend  how  "less  fare"  is  fairer 
than  more,  or  how  a  whole  population  that  are  often  in 
a  state  of  starvation  can  rejoice  in  a  "  reduced  fare.*' 
It  is  unkind  to  call  this  enlightened  plan  a  "  catch- 
penny," or  to  stigmatize  a  man  who  is  in  advance  of 
the  age  as  a  post  man.  Equally  unhandsome  is  it  to 
attempt  to  deprive  him  of  the  honour  of  the  invention, 
by  saying  the  idea  is  borrowed  from  the  penny  maga- 
zine, penny  encyclopedia,  and  other  similar  works;  for 


PREFACE.  Xlll 

it  is  truly  Irish  in  its  conception.  If  he  received  a  hint 
from  any  one,  it  was  from  O'Connell  and  his  penny 
rint.— Justice  to  Ireland  requires  there  should  be  no 
"  Dublin  "  of  postage,  and  that  he  whose  care  is  our 
"  ways  and  means,"  should  himself  be  careful  not  to  be 
"  mean  in  his  ways." — It  is  absurd  to  say  that  because 
the  postage  is  rendered  uniform,  and  one  letter  pays  no 
more  than  another,  the  salaries  of  the  officers  should 
be  rendered  uniform  also,  and  the  Postmaster-General 
be  paid  no  more  than  his  Clerk.  It  is  true,  the  poor 
write  few  letters  now,  because  the  postage  is  too  high, 
and  that  they  will  be  induced  to  write  extensively  as 
soon  as  the  penny  system  is  adopted,  and  thereby  to 
"forge"  their  own  chains;  but  they  will  have  no  right 
to  complain  of  this  increased  expense,  because  it  is 
optional  with  them,  whether  they  incur  it  or  not:  the 
only  question  is,  whether  we  have  not  "  poor  writers" 
enough  already.  We  shall  gain  in  quantity  by  this  im- 
proved plan  in  proportion  as  we  lose  in  quality,  and 
require  a  new  "  Letter  press."  Instead  of  a  condensed 
style  we  shall  have  condensed  letters,  and  in  place  of 
diffuse  composition,  composition  diffused.  My  Patron, 
tired  of  screwing  the  Public,  will  screw  epistles,  and 
become  King  of  the  Penny-a-line  tribe. 

It  cannot  be  denied  that  there  is  ground  to  fear  that 
writing  letters  (or,  as  a  Lord  Minto  would  say,  to  prove 
his  knowledge  of  naval  matters,  '  sheeting  it  home,') 
will  soon  become  the  business  of  life.  It  is  easy  to 
say  of  yourself  that  you  are  not  at  home,  but  not  so 
easy  to  say  so  of  your  fingers,  which  are  always  do- 
mestic in  their  habits ;  and  you  cannot  avoid  writing, 
now  that  the  excuse  of  waiting  for  a  frank  is  removed. 
Lovers  must  expect  "  frank"  incense  by  mail  no  longer. 
2 


XIV  PREFACE. 

It  is  said  there  will  be  seven  times  as  many  letters 
written  under  the  new  system,  as  there  are  now. 
What  a  prospect  for  a  man  who,  like  me,  is  dying  of 
an  epistolary  plethora,  or,  like  the  tailor  in  the  play, 
whose  correspondence  extends  even  to  Constantinople  ! 
Universal  "  sufferage,"  I  fear,  will  be  the  inevitable  re- 
sult. But  he  is  a  courteous  man,  is  my  Patron ;  nay, 
a  polished  man ;  whence  a  certain  paper,  with  similar 
qualities,  is  usually  called  "  Rice  paper,"  to  denote  its 
peculiarities.  He  will  doubtless  give  every  explana- 
tion that  is  required,  and  if  you  persist,  gentle  reader, 
in  your  desire  to  be  further  informed  on  this  subject, 
I  can  only  repeat  what  I  have  already  said,  —  Ask 
Spring  Rice. 

Sir  Robert  Peel  has  enlarged  upon  the  loss  of  reve- 
nue likely  to  accrue  from  this  measure,  and  says  he 
objects  to  it,  "  on  principle."  Now,  I  approve  of  it, 
"  on  interest."  It  may  do  very  well  for  him  who  has 
all  his  correspondence  franked,  to  talk  in  this  style ; 
but  what  are  poor  Colonists  to  do,  who  never  saw  a 
member  of  parhament,  or  a  frank  either  ?  Although 
no  whig,  I  desire  an  extension  of  the  ^  Frank'-chise. 
The  only  objection  I  make  to  the  measure  is,  that  there 
is  any  postage  at  all;  and  I  hold  that  while  the 
"  schoolmaster  is  abroad,"  a  good  government  should 
carry  our  letters  for  nothing.  It  is  idle  for  the  ad- 
ministration to  talk  of  encouraging  emigration,  while 
they  impose  a  tax  on  the  transmission  of  every  "  mail." 
High  postage  precludes  all  correspondence.  It  is,  as 
a  lady  of  my  acquaintance  most  delicately  calls  it,  a 
"preventive  check"  to  what  Joseph  Hume,  with  his 
usual  accuracy  of  language,  terms  "pen-urism."     It 


PREFACE.  XV 

has  puzzled  some  people  most  amazingly  to  know,  if 
all  the  pennies  go  for  postage,  where  the  "  rint"  is  to 
come  from ;  but  that  is  their  affair  and  not  mine,  and 
I  give  notice  that  unless  my  letters  are  carried  "  free," 
I  shall  agitate  for  a  repeal  of  the  Union  "  with  Nova 
Scotia."  It  is  no  answer  to  me  that  "  single"  letters 
are  to  be  rated  only  at  one  penny.  What  are  to  be- 
come of  "  double  entendres  ?"  and  what  reason  is  there 
that  wit  should  be  taxed  ?  Nor  am  I  better  satisfied  to 
find  that  there  is  to  be  an  increase  in  the  scale,  pro- 
portioned to  the  weight  of  the  letters.  This  will  fall 
particularly  heavy  on  me,  whose  letters  have  always 
great  weight  in  them.  I  am  for  going  the  hog — the 
whole  hog — and  nothing  but  the  hog. 

In  justice  to  my  friend  Captain  Claxton,  and  the 
Board  of  Directors  at  Bristol  (from  whom,  upon  a 
recent  occasion,  when  personally  suggesting  the  pro- 
priety and  discussing  the  feasibility  of  establishing  a 
steam  communication  wdth  Nova  Scotia,  I  received 
the  most  friendly  and  courteous  treatment),  I  ought  to 
state  that  I  was  myself  one  of  the  passengers  on 
board  of  the  Great  Western  during  the  voyage  when 
this  letter-bag  was  made  up ;  indeed,  as  a  corpulent 
man,  I  may  add,  with  more  truth  than  vanity,  "  quorum 
magna  pars  fui."  From  my  personal  experience,  there- 
fore, I  can  say  that  the  writers  of  several  of  these 
letters  have  drawn  largely  upon  their  imagination,  and 
that  I  should  feel  that  I  neither  did  justice  to  its  enter- 
prising and  meritorious  owners,  nor  to  my  own  feel- 
ings, if  I  did  not  avail  myself  of  this  opportunity  to 
express  my  unqualified  approbation  of  this  noble  ship, 
the  liberal  provision  for  the  comfort  of  the  passengers, 


XVI  PREFACE. 

and  my  admiration  of  the  skill,  unremitting  attention 
and  urbanity  of  its  commander.  Captain  Hoskins  will 
doubtless  feel  much  astonished  to  account  for  the  mode 
by  which  I  became  possessed  of  these  letters;  but  I 
trust  he  knows  me  too  well  to  require  any  other  ex- 
planation than  what  I  have  already  given  —  Ask 
Spring  Rice. 


THE 


LETTER-BAG 


OF 


THE    GREAT  WESTERN. 


No.  I. 

THE  JOURNAL  OF  AN  ACTRESS. 

Dear  Laura  — -  Instead  of  writing  you  a  letter,  1 
send  you  the  leaves  of  my  Atlantic  Journal. 

22d  March.  —  Every  actress  that  visits  America, 
plays  her  part  in  a  Journal :  why  shouldn't  poor  little 
me  ?  How  I  loathe  that  word  actress  !  it  is  heartless, 
made  up,  artificial,  imitative,  a  thing  without  a  soul ; 
but  such  is  life.  We  call  a  fool  a  natural,  the  more 
fools  we  for  doing  so.  My  Journal  shall  at  least  be 
mine  own — not  the  utterance  of  the  thoughts  of  others. 

Bonneted — band-boxed  —  packed  up  —  and  packed 
off.  Steamed  down  the  river  (what  an  unpoetical  word 
is  that  steam !)  in  a  small  crazy  craft,  to  where  our 
most  (read  spacious  for  gracious)  queen  of  the  seas, 
the  Great  Western,  lay  to  receive  us.  Nothing  can 
exceed  the  beauty  of  the  scenery  on  the  river.  Pro- 
digious walls  of  carboniferous  lime-rock  (what  a  beau- 
tiful Bridge  water-treatise- word  that  carboniferous  is ! 
2*  M 


18  THE  LETTER-BAG    OF 

how  Greenough  and  Buckland  and  geological-like  it 
sounds !  had  it  been  manufactured  at  Birmingham  it 
would  have  been  carbony,)  rise  in  precipitous  boldness 
and  majestic  grandeur,  to  a  height  of  three  hundred 
feet  above  the  water-mark ;  after  which,  the  country, 
gradually  laying  aside  its  armour  and  emerging  from 
its  embattlements,  assumes  the  more  pleasing  and  gen- 
tle forms  of  sloping  hills,  verdant  glades,  and  arable 
fields.  'Tis  the  estate  surrounding  the  Keep,  the 
watch-tow^er,  and  the  castle ;  the  warrior  within — the 
peasant  and  the  shepherd  without. 

At  one  point  we  passed  the  site  of  the  intended  aerial 
bridge,  a  bold  conception — too  bold  and  too  grand  ever 
to  have  sprung  from  the  muddy  heads  of  the  Cranes 
and  Bitterns  of  Bristol.  A  rope  waved  gracefully 
across  the  yawning  chasm,  so  slender  and  so  small  as 
to  resemble  the  silken  thread  of  the  spider,  who  is  the 
first  and  best  of  Nature's  architects  and  bridge  builders. 
It  was  almost  an  ideal  line,  it  was  so  tiny.  It  would 
have  passed  for  a  mathematical  one  if  it  had  been 
straight,  it  was  so  imaginary ;  but  slight  as  it  w^as,  it 
afforded  a  secure  support  for  a  basket  containing  two 
passengers,  who  were  thus  conveyed  with  the  rapidity 
of  birds  from  one  of  the  precipitous  banks  to  the  other. 
It  was  Ariel  and  his  companion  descending  on  a  sun- 
beam.— It  w^as  a  pretty  idea,  and  I  couldn't  help  say- 
ing so,  when  an  American  observed — I  once  hailed  a 
steamboat  on  the  Mississippi  and  asked  the  usual  ques- 
tion— "  Where  are  you  from  ?"  to  which  the  skipper 
replied — "  from  Heaven."  "  How  did  you  come  from 
there  ?"  "  I  greased  the  seat  of  my  trowsers  and  slid 
down  on  a  rainbow !"  "  What  a  barbarian  !"  I  cried 
with  vexation — it  dashed  away  at  one  rude  blow  all  the 
creations  of  my  fancy.  How  I  hate  those  Republicans, 
they  are  so  gross,  so  unimaginative,  so  barbarous  !  If  a 
ray  of  light,  a  spark  of  divinity  ever  penetrates  their 
cavernous  minds,  it  is  like  applying  the  lamp  to  the 
fire-damps  of  the  subterraneous  excavations,   it   ex- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN^.  19 

plodes  and  destroys  both.  Still  my  attention  was 
riveted,  (I  fear  that  word  is  shoppy, — I  think  it  is 
blunting  the  end  of  a  nail  after  it  is  driven  in,  to  pre- 
vent its  extraction — I  like  etymology,  and  will  ask  my 
brother  to-morrow :  if  it  is  so,  I  '*  transport  him  for 
life")  my  attention  was  attracted,  I  should  rather  say, 
by  the  sudden  stoppage  of  this  little  mimic  balloon  in 
midway,  when  a  cheer  was  given  from  this  winged 
chariot  of  the  sky,  and  a  musket  w^as  discharged,  the 
quick,  sharp  report  of  which  was  echoed  and  rever- 
berated for  some  minutes  among  the  rocks  and  caverns 
of  this  stupendous  gorge.  When  the  last  sounds  faded 
on  our  ears,  a  deafening  cheer  was  returned  from  our 
steamer  with  hearty  good  will,  and  we  passed  on.  How 
animating  is  this  cheer,  so  different  from  the  vile  clap- 
ping of  hands  of  the  odious  theatre  !  oh  that  my  ears 
may  never  again  be  profaned  by  that  gas-light,  heart- 
less, unmeaning  welcome !  ....  Came  on  board  .  .  . 
a  crowd — a  mob — how  I  hate  them — descended  into 
the — what ! — Gracious  Heavens  into  the  saloon  ! — 
must  we  carry  with  us  the  very  phraseology  of  the 
house  ! — Shall  Drury  persecute  me  here  ! — Shall  the 
vision  of  the  theatre  be  always  present !  oh  spare  me, 
I  see  the  spectres  of  the  real  saloon  of  that  vile  house 
rise  up  before  me — the  gentlemen  blackguards — the 
lady  courtezans.  I  rushed  into  my  cabin,  coffeed, 
wined,  and  went  to  bed  sobbing, 

23d.  Bedded  all  day  .  .  .  that  word  saloon  has 
haunted  me  ever  since  ....  rose  in  the  evening — pet- 
ticoated,  shawled,  gloved,  and  went  and  took  a  last 
look  on  dear  old  England,  the  land  of  "  the  brave  and 
free" — oh  that  word  last — the  last  look,  last  sigh,  last 
farewell,  how  it  sinks  into  the  heart,  how  it  speaks  of 
death,  of  disembodied  spirits — of  the  yawning  grave. 
It  lets  dowii  the  strings ;  it  untunes  the  mind :  I  was 
mourning  over  it  to  my  brother,  I  was  comparing 
notes  with  him,  getting  at  his  sensations  on  that  dread- 
ful word,  last;  w^hen  that  odious  American  broke  in, 


20  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

unasked,  with  his  "sentiment" — "Yes,  female,"  said 
he,  beast  that  he  is,  why  did  he  not  say  "she  one"  at 
once  ?  It  is  more  animal  Hke,  more  beautified  even 
than  his  expression — "  Yes,  female,  I  say  damn  the  last 
too,  as  the  shoemaker  did  when  he  tried  to  straighten 
himself  up,  after  having  worked  upon  it  all  day."  I 
thought  of  dear  Lord  B.,  how  he  would  have  expired, 
exhaled,  evaporated  at  such  an  illustration,  and  then  I 
sighed  that  I  had  seen  him  too  for  the  last  time. 

24th.  Furious  gale — the  spirit  of  the  great  deep  is 
unchained,  and  is  raging  in  furious  strides  over  the 
world  of  waters.  The  mountains  rise  up  to  impede 
him,  and  the  valleys  yawn  at  his  feet  to  receive  him. 
The  ocean  heaves  beneath  his  footsteps,  and  the  clouds 
fly  in  terror  from  his  presence,  the  lightning  gleams 
with  demoniac  flashes  to  illumine  his  terrific  visage, 
and  the  thunder  is  the  intonation  of  his  voice.  Sheeted, 
blanketed,  and  quilted,  I  remain  enveloped  in  the  dra- 
pery of  my  bed,  my  thoughts  looking  back  into  the 
past,  and  timidly  adventuring  to  peep  into  the  future, 
for  some  green  spot  (oh  that  dreadful  theatre,  I  had 
nearly  written  Green  Room)  to  pitch  its  tent  upon,  to 
stretch  itself  out  by  the  cool  fountain  and — luxuriate. 

25th.  The  tempest  is  past,  but  we  heave  and  pitch 
and  roll  Hke  a  drunken  thing,  groaning,  straining, 
creaking. — The  paroxysm  is  past,  but  the  palpitations 
have  not  subsided ;  the  fit  is  over,  but  the  muscular 
contractions  still  continue. — It  is  the  heaving  chest,  the 
convulsed  breath,  the  pulsations  that  remain  after  the 
storm  of  the  passions  has  passed  away. 

26th.  Rose,  toileted  and  went  on  deck :  what  a  lovely 
sight !  The  sea  lay  like  a  mirror,  reflecting  the  heavens 
on  its  smooth  and  polished  surface.  —  Light  clouds  far 
away  in  the  horizon  look  like  the  snow-capt  summits 
of  the  everlasting  hills,  placed  there  to  confine  this  sea 
of  molten  glass  within  its  own  dominion,  while  distant 
vessels  with  their  spiral  masts  and  silvery  drapery 
rise  from  its  surface,  like  spirits  of  the  deep,  come  to 


THE    GREAT    WESTERIV.  21 

look  upon  and  woo  the  gentle  Zephyrs. — Sea-nymphs 
spreading  their  wings  and  disporting  on  their  Hquid 
meadows  after  their  recent  terror  and  affright.  They 
seem  hke  ideal  beings — thoughts  traversing  the  mind — • 
shadows  or  rather  bright  lights — emanations  perhaps, 
rather  than  self-existences — immaterialities — essences 
— spirits  in  the  moonlight. — Wrote  journal — mended  a 
pair  of  silk  stockings,  hemmed  a  pocket-handkerchief, 
night-capped  and  went  to  bed — to  dream — to  idealize 
— to  build  aerial  castles,  to  get  the  hysterics,  and  to 
sleep. 

27th.  Altered  my  petticoats,  added  two  inches  for 
Boston  puritans  and  Philadelphia  quakers,  took  off  two 
for  the  fashionables  of  New  York,  three  for  Baltimore, 
and  made  kilts  of  them  for  New  Orleans. — Asked 
Steward  for  books:  he  brought  me  "  the  life  of  corporal 
Jabish  Fish,  a  hero  of  the  American  revolution,  in  five 
volumes,"  put  it  in  my  journal,  a  good  story  for  Lord 

W" ,  who  is  a  hero — chattered — sung  and  german- 

ized  with  General  T (not  conversed,  for  no  Ameri- 
can converses,  he  proses,  sermonises  or  pamphleteers). 

— Toddy'd,  poor  dear  Sir  A taught  me  that,  and 

I  wish  he  were  here  to  "  brew  "  for  me  now,  as  he 
used  to  call  it. — There  certainly  is  inspiration  in  whis- 
key, and  when  temperance  opened  the  door,  poetry  took 
flight,  and  winged  its  way  to  heaven.  It  is  no  longer 
an  inhabitant  of  earth — ah  me,  we  shall  hold  high  con- 
verse with  angel  spirits  no  more.  It  is  all  Brummagem 
now — all  cheap  and  dirty  like  its  coaches — Bah ! 

28th.  General  T says,  he  is  glad  I  did  not  marry 

before  I  left  England,  for  Vestris  doing  so  was  taken 
as  a  quiz  on  the  starched  Yankees. — Mem,  wont  marry 
on  board,  and  if  I  take  a  repubhcan  may  the  devil  take 

me  without  salt,  as  the  Marquis  of  W says — I  wish 

I  were  a  man,  an  Englishman  though,  for  men  choose, 
women  are  chosen — to  select  is  better  than  to  be 
selected,  which  is  bazaar-like. — What's  the  price  of 
that  pretty  bauble? — Ah,  I  like  it,  send  it  home,  play 


22  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

with  it,  get  tired,  throw  it  aside,  no  harm  in  that,  to  be 
scorned  is  nothing,  it  is  pleasant  to  scorn  back  again, 
but  to  be  supplanted,  ah,  there  is  the  rub.  I  have  a 
head-ache ;  the  billow  for  my  pillow,  I  will  be  a  child 
again  and  be  rocked  to  sleep. 

29th.  A  shout  on  deck,  all  hands  rushed  up,  what  a 
strange  perversion  of  terms  is  this.  It  is  a  waterspout : 
how  awful !  The  thirsty  cloud  stooping  to  invigorate 
itself  with  a  draught  of  the  sea ;  opening  its  huge 
mouth  and  drinking,  yet  not  even  deigning  to  wait  for 
it,  but  gulping  it  as  it  goes  —  we  fire  into  it  and  it 
vanishes,  its  watery  load  is  returned,  and  '  hke  the 
baseless  fabric  of  a  vision,  it  leaves  no  wreck  behind.' 
— It  is  one  of  '  the  wonders  of  the  great  deep.'  That 
rude  shock  has  dispelled  it.  Thus  is  it  in  life.  The 
sensitive  mind  releases  its  grasp  of  the  ideal,  when  it 
comes  in  contact  with  grossness.  It  shrinks  within  it- 
self. It  retreats  in  terror.  Yet  what  a  wonderful 
sight  it  is !  how  nearly  were  we  engulphed,  swallowed 
up,  and  carried  into  the  sky  to  be  broken  to  pieces  in 
our  fall,  as  the  sea-mew  feeds  on  the  shell-fish  by  dash- 
ing it  to  pieces  on  a  rock. — Oh  that  vile  American!  he 
too  has  imitated  the  scene:  he  has  broken  my  train  of 
thought  by  his  literal  and  grovelling  remark.  "  Well 
I  vow,  female,  what  an  everlastin'  noise  it  lets  off  its 
water  with  !"  I  wonder  if  they  hiss  in  America  :  surely 
not,  for  if  they  did  such  fellows  as  this  would  learn 
better  manners — wrote  journal — frenchified  my  frock 
to  please  the  New  Yorkers — unbooted — unstay'd,  and 
snuggled  up  Hke  a  kitten  in  bed. 

30th.  Sat  on  the  deck,  sad  and  musing.  Dropt 
some  pieces  of  paper  overboard — wondered  whither 
they  went.  Will  they  wander  many  days  on  the  water, 
and  then  sink  ?  Thought  of  my  journal ;  it  would  be 
like  them,  a  little  scrap  on  the  great  sea  of  literature, 
floating  its  brief  day ;  and  then,  alas !  sinking  to  rise  , 
no  more.  Saturated,  its  light  pages  will  float  no  longer, 
but  be  consigned,  like  them,  to  an  early  grave ;  but  1 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  23 

have  had  my  day,  which  is  more  than  every  *  female,' 
as  the  Americans  call  us,  has  had  ;  and  who  knows  but 
my  book  may  be  as  well  received  ? — Bah  !  how  I  loathe 
that  theatrical  expression  !  as  popular — that,  too,  smells 
of  the  shop ;  ah  !  I  have  it — as  much  the  ton — howso- 
ever. 

31st.  Pottered  on  deck  all  day,  with  General  T. 
and  my  brother.  The  former  talked  of  the  prairies, 
till  I  dreamed  all  night  of  the  fat  bulls  of  Bashan,  and 
the  buffaloes  of  the  plain. 

1st  April.  General  T.  advises  me  not  to  take  my 
servant  to  the  table,  as  it  is  said  Mrs.  Matthews  did  at 
Saratoga ;  for  so  far  from  these  repubhcans  liking 
equahty,  they  are  the  most  aristocratic  people  in  the 
world.  What  a  puzzle  is  man  !  Poor  dear  Lord  Czar, 
with  all  his  radical  notions,  is  the  proudest  "  of  his 
order"  of  any  peer  of  the  realm.  Indeed,  pride  is  the 
root  of  all  democracy.  Show  me  a  tory,  and  I  will 
show  you  a  rational  lover  of  freedom ;  show  me  a 
radical,  and  I  will  show  you  a  tyrant.  If  the  Ameri- 
cans boast  so  much  of  their  equality,  as  to  exclude 
from  their  vocabulary  the  word  *  servant,'  and  substi- 
tute that  of  '  help,'  why  should  they  object  to  those 
*  helps,'  helping  them  to  eat  their  dinners  ?  It  passes 
the  understanding  of  poor  little  me — how  I  wish  some 
one  would  explain  all  things  to  me  ! 

2d.  My  brother  was  so-so,  to-day,  after  dinner ;  but 
wine  makes  him  brilliant  and  witty — and  why  should 
I  be  ashamed  to  note  it  ?  It  was  the  sons,  and  not  the 
sisters  of  Noah  (merry  old  soul)  that  walked  back- 
wards and  covered  him,  when  he  was  too  oblivious 
with  the  juice  of  the  grape,  to  recollect  such  vulgar 
things  as  clothes. — Read,  Italianed — stitched  a  new 
chemisette. 

3d.  How  this  glorious  steamer  wallops,  and  gallops, 
and  flounders  along  !  she  goes  it  like  mad.  Its  motion 
is  unlike  that  of  any  living  thing  I  know ;  puffing  like 
a  porpoise,  breasting  the  waves  hke  a  sea-horse,  and 


24  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

at  times  skimming  the  surface  like  a  bird.  It  possesses 
the  joint  powers  of  the  tenants  of  the  air,  land,  and 
water,  and  is  superior  to  them  all.  All  night  we  had 
a  glorious,  splendent,  silvery  moon.  The  stars  were 
bright,  though  feeble,  hiding  their  diminished  heads  be- 
fore their  queen,  enthroned  in  all  her  majesty.  What 
an  assemblage  of  the  heavenly  hosts  ! — how  grand — 
how  sublime  !  It  is  a  chaste  beauty  is  the  moon,  beau- 
tiful, but  cold  ;  inspiring- respect,  admiration,  and  so  on, 
but  not  love — not  breathing  of  passion.  It  is  a  melan- 
choly feeling  that  it  raises  in  the  beholder ;  like  a  pale 
Grecian  face,  that  calls  up  emotions  of  tenderness,  but 
no  ardour;  and  excites  interest,  but  not  transport. 
Which  is  the  best,  the  inflammatory  sun,  or  the  chilly 
moon  1 — midway,  perhaps,  "  in  medio  tutissimus  ibis,*^ 
as  dear  Lord  B.  used  to  say,  whenever  he  threaded 
my  needle  for  me.  I  will  potter  with  General  T.  about 
it.  He  looks  moon-struck,  himself  Tead,  suppered, 
champaned,  tidied  myself  for  bed,  and,  I  fear,  snored. 

4th.  How  I  hate  the  saloon!  I  will  join  the  Yan- 
kees, and  spit  upon  it.  How  vulgar  are  all  these  gaudy 
decorations  of  a  steamer !  Why  should  we  pander  to 
the  bad  taste  of  a  mob  for  filthy  lucre — why  not  lead 
instead  of  following — dictate,  instead  of  submitting? 
Are  we,  too,  become  democratic ;  and  must  the  voice 
of  the  majority  rule.  Oh  for  an  hour  of  that  dear 
little  villa  of  Lord  B.'s !  what  taste,  what  fitness  of 
things  to  purposes,  what  refinement,  what  dehcacy — 
oh,  lor  a  snuff  of  its  classic  air — for  half  a  yard  of  its 
Parnassian  sky !  How  he  would  be  annihilated  by  a 
voyage  in  this  boat — howsoever. 

5th.  A  dies  non,  as  the  new  Judge  used  to  call  it 
when  non  se  ipse. 

6th  and  7th.  Ditto,  as  the  shop-keepers  say. 

8th  and  9th.  The  same  as  yesterday,  as  the  doctors 
say. 

10th  and  11th.  No  better,  as  the  bulletins  say.  * 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  25 

12th  and  13th.  As  well  as  can  be  expected,  as  the 
nurses  say. 

14th.  I  was  asked  to-day  if  ever  I  had  been  in 
love — I  know  not — what  is  Love  ?  The  attraction  of 
two  etherial  spirits — sympathy — but  these  spirits  are 
only  seen  through  mortal  coil.  The  worm  feeds  and 
battens  where  love  has  revelled.  Can  we  love  what 
corruption  claims  as  its  own?  Do  we  not  mistake 
natural  impulses  for  this  divine  feehng  ?  What  a  pity 
Love  clogs  his  wings  with  svi^eets,  becomes  sated — 
tired — soured.  Platonic  love  is  nearer  perfection — it 
has  more  reason  and  less  passion,  more  sentiment  and 
less  grossness.  To  love  is  to  w^orship — with  my  body  I 
thee  worship — but  that  is  not  love,  it  is  desire — with 
my  soul  I  thee  worship — but  that  is  idolatry.  If  we 
worship  with  neither  body  nor  soul,  what  is  love? 
Lips  !  can  it  reside  in  them  ?  the  breath  may  be  bad — 
the  teeth  unsound — the  skin  erysipelatous.  Bah !  Love 
a  leper?  What  is  Love  then?  It  is  a  phantom  of  the 
mind — an  hallucination — an  ignis  fatuus,  Will-of-the- 
Wisp.  Touch  it,  and  it  dissolves — embrace  it,  and  a 
shadow  fills  your  arms — speak,  and  it  vanishes.  Alas, 
Love  is  not !  Howsoever — went  to  bed — wept  for 
vexation  like  a  child,  and  when  wearied  with  sobbing, 
slept. 

15th.  Land  ahead — a  strange  land  too — yes,  though 
they  speak  English,  a  foreign  land — the  domain  of  the 
rebellious  Son  who  mutinied  and  fought  his  parent. 
Can,  I  ask  myself,  can  a  blessing  attend  such  an  un- 
natural attempt — nous  verrons.  The  pilot  is  on  board : 
what  are  the  first  questions?  the  price  of  cotton  and 
tobacco.  They  are  traders — are  the  Yankees ;  and  I 
hate  trade,  its  contracted  notions  and  petty  details.  I 
think  I  see  Lord  B.  turn  in  scorn  from  the  colloquy, 
his  fine  aristocratic  face  expressive  of  intellectual  con- 
tempt at  such  sordid  calculations.  Would  that  he 
were  here,  that  we  might  retire  to  the  cabin  and  have 
a  reading  of  Shakspeare  together,  drink  at  the  in 
3 


26  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

spired  fount,  and  philosophise  on  men  and  things ;  but 
alas,  he  is  gone  where  all  must  go !  and  I  have  gone 
where  none  would  wish  to  go  !  Poor  little  me  !  Thus 
endeth  the  last  day  of  the  steamer. 

Yours  always, 
•  Mary  Cooke. 


No.  11. 


LETTER 


FROM  CATO  MIGNIONETTE  (THE  COLOURED 
STEWARD)  TO  MR.  LAVENDER. 

My  dear  Labender  — 

Since  I  ab  de  pleasure  to  see  you  on  board  de 
Lady  Jackson  liner,  I  leave  de  line  myself,  and  now  is 
on  bord  de  Great  Western  steam-boat,  ob  which  I  ab 
de  command.  You  ab  seen  Fourth- July-day,  Mr.  La- 
bender  ;  well,  he  no  touch  to  it :  and  you  ab  seen  de 
great  New  York  mob  to  pull  down  coloured  people's 
housen ;  well,  dat  not  noting  to  it  needer :  and  you  ab 
see  de  great  fire ;  well,  de  crowd  dere  not  fit  to  hold  a 
candle  to  it.  Oh  !  you  neber !  but  I  tell  you  more  by 
and  by. 

We  hab  one  hunder  and  ten  passenger,  big  and  lee- 
tle,  and  some  damn  big  ones  dere  is  too,  which  is  more 
dan  one  steward  can  provide  for  ginteelly ;  and  my 
servants  do  gib  me  worry  great  trouble,  so  dey  do. 
First  I  hab  all  English ;  well,  de  English  worry  stupid, 
worry  sarcy,  and  lazy  as  de  debil :  you  can't  beat  no- 
ting into  dere  dam  tick  heads,  and  dey  is  too  eavy 
heeled  for  servants;  so  I  jist  discharge  em  all:  I 
wouldn't  ab  dem  if  dey  work  for  noting,  de  great  good 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  27 

for  noting  lubbers ;  and  I  ire  coloured  people  m  dere 
plaice.  Dey  worry  much  more  better  den  de  trash  ob 
whites ;  but  still  dey  no  please  me,  for  I  neber  like  to 
see  de  grass  grow  under  de  feet  ob  de  waiters,  and 
dere  is  too  many  for  me  to  look  arter  all  alone  myself. 
De  Captain  he  man-o'-war  buccra,  and  dey  is  all 
cussed  stiff,  and  most  too  big  men  fore  dere  breeches ; 
and  when  he  walky  de  deck,  he  only  see  de  stars  and 
de  sun ;  he  no  see  de  ship  an  de  passenger,  but  leab  all 
to  me,  which  give  me  an  everlastin  sight  ob  trouble. 
He  ought  to  come  and  help  me  at  de  bar  hissef,  so  he 
had  ought ;  but  he  too  proud  for  dat,  and  so  is  all  dem 
what  has  de  swab  on  de  shoulder, — and  proper  hard 
bargain  de  queen  hab  of  some  of  dem  too,  I  tell  you, 
Mr.  Labender.  By  Golly !  but  I  most  wore  out,  and 
dat  is  de  truth.  Steward  here,  and  steward  dere,  and 
steward  ebery  where !  Well,  I  say,  *  coming,  sar !'  but 
I  takes  care  neber  to  come  to  none  at  all,  and  when 
dey  is  tired  ob  calling  dey  come  ob  demselves  to  me, 
and  find  out  to  de  last  it  would  be  ebery  bit  as  good 
for  em  to  hab  com  at  first  and  sabe  dere  wind  to  cool 
dere  soup  wid.  But  I  makes  sception  ob  de  Ladies,  de 
dear  critturs :  I  do  lub  em,  and  likes  to  tend  on  em, 
dey  is  so  helpless,  poor  tings.  But  one  ting  I  must  say, 
and  dat  is,  de  white  ladies  do  lub  werry  stiff  grog, 
werry  stifl^*,  indeed,  Mr.  Labender :  you  ab  no  notion 
ob  it,  no  more  den  a  child.  *  Steward,  a  leetle  weak, 
werry  leetle  weak  brandy  and  water ;  but  mind  and 
let  him  be  werry  weak.'  Yes  marm,  I  say,  and  away 
I  goes  to  mix  it.  Poor  leetle  tings,  I  knows  werry 
well  what  werry  weak  means ;  it  means  half  and  half, 
jist  as  I  likes  him  mysef  Well,  when  I  takes  it  to  de 
lady,  she  makes  a  face  like  de  cabbage-leaf,  all  puck- 
ery,  puckery,  wrinkely,  wrinkely ;  and  arter  eber  so 
leetle  ob  a  swig  at  it,  she  gibs  him  back  agin  to  me : 
*0h!  steward!'  she  say,  'how  could  yaw!  dat  is  too 
trong ;  put  in  a  leetle  drop  more  w^ater,  dat  is  a  good 
steward.'    Well,  I  knows  what  dat  means,  too  r  so  I 


28  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

goes  back  and  puts  in  one  glass  brandy  more,  and  two 
lumps  ob  de  sugar  more,  and  stir  him  up  well  wid  do 
spoon,  and  gib  him  a  leetle  nutmeg  for  de  flavour:  try 
dat,  marm,  I  say ;  see  how  you  like  him ;  I  most  fear 
he  too  weak  now.  *No,  steward,'  she  say,  and  she 
smile  worry  sw^eet,  de  leetle  dear ;  *  dat  w411  do  worry 
well,  now  ;  dat  jist  right,  now.  Always  take  care  to 
mix  my  brandy  and  water  w^eak,  for  I  isn't  used  to 
him  trong,  and  he  gets  into  my  head.'  Yes,  marm,  I 
say ;  now  1  knows  your  gage,  I  fit  you  exacaly  to  a 
T,  marm.  De  dear  leetle  critturs,  de  grog  he  do  warm 
em  hearts,  and  brighten  de  eye,  and  make  him  worry 
good  natured.  I  knows  dat  by  mysef ;  I  always  feels 
better  for  de  stiff  glass  ob  grog.  Poor  leetle  tings,  but 
dey  do  like  him  worry  stifle,  worry  stiff,  indeed ;  it  is 
actilly  astonishin  how  stiff  dey  do  takes  him. 

As  to  de  men  passengers,  I  always  let  him  shift  for 
demselves,  for  dere  isn't  worry  few  ob  dem  is  real  su- 
perfine gentlemen,  but  jist  refidge  a  leetle  warnished 
ober  de  surface,  like  all  pretence.  Dey  all  make  him 
believe  dat  dey  know  wine ;  when,  dam  em,  dere  isn't 
hardly  none  ob  em  know  him  by  name  even.  One  buc- 
cra  says,  *  Steward,  I  can't  drink  dis  wine ;  it  is  worry 
poor  stuff.  What  de  debil  do  you  mean  by  gibbin  me 
sich  trash  as  dis  ?  he  no  fit  to  drink  at  all :  change  him 
direcaly,  and  gib  me  some  dat  is  fit  for  a  gentleman.' 
Well,  I  takes  up  de  wine,  and  looks  at  him  worry 
knowin,  and  den  w^hisper  in  his  ear,  not  to  speak  so 
loud,  lest  ebery  body  hear ;  and  I  put  de  finger  on  my 
nose,  and  nods;  and  I  goes  and  brings  him  anoder 
bottle  ob  de  worry  identical  same  wine,  and  he  taste 
him,  smack  his  lip,  and  say,  <  Ah  !  dat  is  de  wine,  stew- 
ard !  Always  bring  me  dat  wine,  and  I  remember  you 
when  I  leab  de  ship.'  Hush  !  I  say,  massa  ;  not  so 
loud,  sir,  if  you  please,  for  dere  is  only  a  worry  few 
bottles  ob  dat  are  wine,  and  I  keep  him  for  you ;  for  I 
sees  you  knows  de  good  wine  when  you  sees  him, 
which  is  more  nor  most  gentlemen  does.     Dey  is  cus- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  29 

sed  stupid  is,  dem  whites,  and  werry  conceited,  too, 
Mr.  Labender;  but  dere  is  noting  like  lettin  him  hab 
his  own  way.  Den  dey  all  speak  different  language. 
One  man  is  Frenchman:  well,  he  calls  steam-boat, 
"  bad  toe  :"  de  German,  he  call  him,  "  dam-shift- fard." 
One  calls  a  plate,  "  as  yet ;"  anoder  name  him,  "  skelp 
eye ;"  and  de  tird  man  call  him,  "  taller ;"  and  de  fort 
say,  "  platter;"  and  ebery  one  amost  hab  a  diflerent 
word  for  him.  Dere  is  no  makin  head  or  tail  ob  em, 
no  how :  I  don't  try  no  more  now  at  all — I  only  gib  de 
head  a  shake,  and  pass  on. 

We  hab  got  too  many  masters,  here,  Mr.  Labender, 
a  great  deal  too  many.  Now,  when  I  was  been  in  de 
line  packet,  sir,  and  want  um  pitcher,  I  go  captain, 
and  say.  Captain,  I  want  um  pitcher,  and  he  say  wer- 
ry well,  Mr.  Mignionette,  (he  neber  call  me  steward, 
like  de  sarcy,  proud  man-o-war  buccras  do)  werry 
well,  Mr.  Mignionette,  den  buy  um ;  and  I  buys  um 
for  one  dollar,  and  charge  him  one  dollar  and  half — de 
half  dollar  for  de  trouble,  and  leetle  enough  it  is,  too ; 
for  crockery  he  wherry  brittle — so  far,  so  good.  Now 
when  I  has  occasion,  I  go  captain,  and  say,  I  want  um 
pitcher,  sir.  Werry  well,  steward,  he  say,  make  a  re- 
port in  writing.  Den  I  goes  and  makes  a  report  for 
pitcher  in  writing  for  de  skipper  ;  and  skipper  he  makes 
anoder  report  to  de  great  captain  in  Bristol ;  and  dat 
captain,  he  call  togeder  de  great  big  directors — plaguy 
rich  men  they  is,  too,  I  tell  you,  and  he  read  my  report 
to  de  skipper,  and  skipper  report  to  him,  and  dey  all 
make  speeches  round  de  table,  as  they  does  in  congiess, 
and  if  dey  is  in  good  humour  it  is  voted — yes,  I  ab 
him.  Den  captain  he  send  for  clerk,  and  clerk  he  issue 
order  for  pitcher  to  some  dam  white  feller  or  anoder, 
to  Bristol,  who  send  me  one  worth  a  dollar,  and  charge 
um  boat  two  dollar  for  him.  Well,  company  lose  half 
dollar,  I  lose  half  dollar,  and  all  lose  a  great  deal  of 
time.  Werry  bad  derangement  dat,  sir,  werry  bad, 
indeed ;  for  dere  is  too  much  cheenery  in  it  to  work 
3* 


30  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

well.     By-and-by  dey  find  out  too  many  cooks  spoil  de 
broth,  or  else  I  knows  noting — dats  all. 

Den  dey  holds  me  sponsible  for  all  de  plate,  which 
is  not  fair,  by  no  manner  o  means  at  all,  is  such  a  mob 
of  scaly  whites  as  we  ab  on  board ;  and  where  ebery 
man  is  taken  what  pays  passage ;  and  sometimes  dem 
white  fellers  is  no  better  nor  him  should  be,  I  tell  you. 
Toder  day  I  sell  some  small  ting  to  de  outlandish  jew, 
who  no  speak  worry  good  English ;  and  I  goes  into 
his  cabin,  and  I  say,  come,  massa,  I  say,  our  voyage 
ober  now;  him  pilot  on  board,  so  you  fork  out, massa, 
if  you  please.  Well,  he  stared  like  a  shy  horse — what 
dat  you  say  ?  says  he.  You  fork  out,  now,  massa,  I 
say.  Den  he  goes  round,  and  he  bolt  de  door ;  and 
den  he  say,  I  give  you  one  sovereign,  steward,  if  you 
no  mention  it.  Oh  !  I  say,  I  neber  mention  him,  massa, 
neber  fear,  and  I  is  worry  much  obliged  to  you,  sir, 
werry  much  indeed.  Den  he  say,  here  is  de  forks,  and 
he  gives  me  back  three  silver  forks.  I  tookt  um  by 
mistake,  he  say,  and  I  hope  you  no  mention  him.  Oh, 
ho !  says  I  to  myself,  is  dat  de  way  de  cat  jumps  now ; 
I  see  how  de  land  lay — I  come  jew  over  you,  my  boy 
— my  turn  come  now.  Four  sovereigns  more,  massa, 
and  steward  he  keep  mum ;  and  if  you  no  pay  de 
money,  I  go  bring  captain,  passenger,  and  ebery  one. 
Well,  him  sovereign  break  him  heart  amost,  but  he 
shell  him  out,  for  all  dat,  afore  I  go ;  one — two — three 
— four — five  sovereigns.  All's  right  now,  massa,  I 
say  ;  dat  is  what  I  calls  "  forking  out."  Jist  as  I  turns 
for  to  goe,  he  say,  how  you  know  I  ab  um,  steward — 
any  body  tell  you  1  Oh,  massa,  I  sa}^  I  know  de  tief 
so  far  as  I  see  him.  When  I  clap  eyes  on  you  fust,  by 
gosh  I  know  you  for  one  ob  dem  dam  rascals — no 
mistake,  massa;  face  neber  tell  um  lie — he  always 
speaky  de  truth.  I  hab  to  keep  my  eyes  about  me  all 
de  time,  Mr.  Labender,  I  tell  you;  and  de  command 
of  dis  ship  is  too  great  fatigue  for  one  man ;  dey  must 
give  me  some  officers  under  me,  or  I  resign  my  place, 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  31 

and  throw  him  up,  and  return  to  de  line  again,  which 
is  more  selecter  and  better  company  as  steamboats 
has. 

Please  to  ab  de  goodness  to  make  my  respects  to 
Miss  Labender,  and  to  all  de  young  ladies  to  home, 
who,  I  hopes  to  have  de  happiness  to  see  in  good  health 
'  and  spirits,  when  I  ab  opportunity  to  wisit  dem,  which 
appears  werry  long  indeed  since  I  hab — almost  an  age. 
I  take  de  liberty  to  send  a  pair  of  most  superfine  stock- 
ings, of  de  flesh-colour  silk,  of  de  newest  fashion,  for 
each  of  de  young  ladies,  which  I  hope  dey  will  do 
me  de  honour  to  wear  in  remembrance  of  me ;  and 
now  I  be, 

My  dear  Labender, 

Your  most  obedient  help, 

CaTO  MiGNlONETTE. 


No.  III. 


LETTER 

FROM  CAPTAIN  HALTFRONT,  OF  THE 

REGIMENT  OF  FOOT,  TO  LT.  FUGLEMAN. 

My  Dear  Fugleman  — 

You  will  naturally  enquire  how  I  like  the  Great 
Western,  the  speed  and  splendour  of  which  has  been 
the  theme  of  every  newspaper,  for  the  last  year,  and 
will,  perhaps,  be  somewhat  surprised  to  read  the  ac- 
count I  am  now  about  to  give  you.  I  own  that  I  fear 
my  narrative  will  appear  to  you  as  the  production  of 
a  disordered  mind,  the  effusion  of  low  spirits,  and  an 
irritable  disposition ;  and  that  you  will  regard  me  as 
the  voluntary  victim  of  a  morbid  sensibility.     I  wish, 


82  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

for  my  own  sake,  that  this  were  the  case,  and  that  the 
day  might  arrive  w^hen  I  could  look  back  upon  the  de- 
gradation and  misery  I  have  recently  endured,  as  only 
imaginary.  But,  alas !  my  dear  fellow,  it  is  no  phan- 
tom of  the  brain,  but  a  sad  reality — reality  do  I  say, 
it  falls  far,  very  far  short  of  the  reality  which  no  words 
can  paint — no  pen  describe.  There  are  some  things 
connected  with  the  Great  Western  which,  I  am  aware, 
affect  people  differently,  who  are  placed  under  different 
circumstances  from  each  other.  For  instance,  steam- 
navigation  may  be  all  very  well  for  those  whose  ob- 
ject is  business ;  but  mine  happens  to  be  pleasure ;  or, 
for  those  who  are  in  a  hurry,  w^hich  I  am  not ;  or,  for 
such  as  considering  time  to  be  money,  are  desirous  of 
economising  it ;  but  I  wish  to  spend  both,  and  to  spend 
them  agreeably.  To  me,  therefore,  to  whom  none  of 
these  considerations  apply,  it  is  an  unmitigated  evil. 

My  first  disappointment,  and  one  which  gave  me 
an  early  intimation  of  much  of  the  misfortune  that  was 
in  store  for  me,  was  not  enjoying  as  I  had  hoped,  from 
the  payment  of  forty-two  sovereigns,  the  exclusive  oc- 
cupation of  my  state  room.  This  is  indispensable,  I 
will  not  say  to  comfort,  but  to  common  decency.  I 
have  the  honour  and  pleasure  of  having  a  most  delecta- 
ble chum,  who,  besides  many  minor  accomplishments, 
chews  tobacco,  spits  furiously,  talks  through  his  nose, 
and  snores  like  a  Newfoundland  dog.  Many  of  his 
habits  are  too  offensive  even  to  mention,  and  you  may 
therefore  easily  imagine  what  the  endurance  of  them 
for  twenty-tw^o  days  must  have  been.  He  constantly 
uses  my  towels  instead  of  his  own.  Whenever  he 
brushes  his  hair  (w^hich  I  believe  he  never  dressed  be- 
fore) he  uses  my  clothes-brush,  and  I  am  compelled  to 
refrain  from  that  appropriated  to  my  teeth,  under  an 
apprehension  that  it  has  suffered  a  similar  contamina- 
tion. He  is  dreadfully  sea-sick,  and  he  is  either  too 
indolent  or  too  ignorant  to  make  use  of  the  ordinary 
appHances.     His  boots  are  made  of  villanous  leather, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  33 

and  actually  poison  me ;  and  to  add  to  my  distress,  he 
invariably  draws  back  his  curtain  that  he  may  amuse 
himself  by  inspecting,  at  his  leisure,  the  process  of 
my  toilette.  Bad  as  the  air  of  my  room  is,  I  cannot 
venture  at  night  to  open  my  cabin-door,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  ventilation ;  for  the  black  servants  sleep  on  the 
floor  of  the  saloon,  and  the  effluvia  is  worse  than  that 
of  a  slaver.  Driven  from  my  dormitory  at  daylight, 
I  resort  to  the  poop-deck,  to  enjoy  a  little  fresh  air, 
but  here  I  am  met  by  a  host  of  snobs  and  foreigners, 
who  smoke  incessantly.  Stifled  by  the  fumes  of  to- 
bacco, which  I  never  could  endure  even  when  well 
and  ashore,  I  am  soon  compelled,  in  order  to  save  my 
life,  to  dive  again  into  the  saloon.  In  the  descent,  I 
find  myself  involved  in  the  eddies  and  whirlpools  of  a 
mob  of  some  hundred  and  twenty  passengers,  hurry- 
ing to  breakfast,  where  cold  tea,  hard  biscuits,  greasy 
toast,  stale  eggs,  and  mountains  of  cold  meat,  the  in- 
tervening valleys  of  which  are  decorated  with  beef- 
steaks floating  in  grease,  await  me  to  tempt  my  deli- 
cate appetite.  Waiters,  who  never  wait,  and  servants, 
who  order  every  thing,  and  though  deaf,  are  never 
dumb,  fly  from  one  end  of  the  saloon  to  the  other  in 
terrific  haste,  that  threatens  to  overturn  every  one  that 
happens  unfortunately  to  be  in  their  way.  Vociferous 
claims  for  attendance  that  is  never  given,  and  the  still 
louder  response  of  "  coming  sir,"  from  him  that  never 
comes,  the  clatter  of  many  dishes,  the  confusion  of 
many  tongues,  the  explosion  of  soda  bottles,  the  rattle 
of  knives  and  forks,  the  uproarious  laugh,  the  ferocious 
oath,  the  deep-toned  voice  of  the  steward,  and  the 
shrill,  discordant  notes  of  the  mulatto  women,  create  a 
confusion  that  no  head  can  stand  and  no  pen  describe. 
It  is  absolutely  appalling.  The  onslaught,  however,  is 
soon  over,  the  carnage  ceases,  and  the  hosts  retire ; 
but  what  a  rabble  rout — hurry  scurry,  pell  mell,  belter 
skelter,  to  secure  priority,  to  book  yourself  for — but  I 
cannot  go  on — it  cannot  be  named.     Distressed,  de- 


34  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

jected  and  ill,  I  return  to  the  vacant  saloon,  when  lo ! 
two  Africans,  each  bearing  immense  piles  of  plates, 
commence  dealing  them  out  like  experienced  whist 
players,  and  with  a  rapidity  that  is  perfectly  astonish- 
ing. These  are  followed  by  two  others,  who  pitch,  by 
a  sleight  of  hand,  the  knives  and  forks  into  their  respec- 
tive places,  like  quoits,  and  with  equal  accuracy.  It 
is  preparation  for  lunch — the  gong  sounds,  and  the 
stream  of  passengers  pours  down  the  hatch-way  again, 
with  a  rush  similar  to  that  of  shipping  a  sea.  The 
wave  rolls  fore  and  aft,  and  then  surges  heavily  from 
one  side  to  the  other,  and  finding  its  level,  gradually 
subsides  into  something  like  a  uniform  surface.  All 
have  now  found  their  places,  save  a  lady  immoveably 
nailed  to  the  wall  by  a  mulatto  girl,  in  an  unsuccess- 
ful attempt  to  pass  in  the  narrow  gangway.  The 
struggle  to  disengage  themselves  is  desperate,  but  in- 
effectual, until  fifty  people  rise,  and  by  displacing  the 
table,  give  room  for  a  passage.  What  a  nosegay  for 
the  bosom  of  an  emancipating  Jamaica  Viceroy !  a 
white  rose  budded  on  a  black  one — oh,  the  very  odours 
exhaled  by  that  sable  beauty,  suffocate  me  even  at 
this  distance  of  time  !  Now  rise  the  mingled  voices, 
the  confused  sounds,  the  din  of  corks,  glasses,  and 
plates,  but  louder  than  before,  for  wine  exhilarates ; 
and  those  who  were  unable  to  rise  to  breakfast,  have 
succeeded  to  join  the  party  at  lunch.  Again  the 
flock  rises  on  the  wing,  and  takes  flight  with  a  noise 
compounded  of  the  chattering  of  magpies  and  the 
cawing  of  rooks — the  fragments  are  gathered,  and 
the  ground  cleared  of  the  refuse  of  the  repast.  I  will 
enjoy  this  respite — I  will  while  away  the  time  with  a 
book,  and  withdraw  my  mind  from  the  contemplation 
of  my  misery ;  but  alas !  the  same  earthen-ware  gam- 
blers appear  again,  to  exhibit  their  tricks  of  plates,  in 
preparation  for  dinner.  I  once  more,  reluctantly, 
mount  the  deck  with  uneasy  and  unsteady  steps,  where, 
after  executing  a  variety  of  rapid  evolutions  on  its 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  35 

greasy  surface,  rendered  still  more  treacherous  by- 
fragments  of  orange-peel,  I  fall,  heavily  tripped  by 
some  kind  protruding  foot,  and  am  dreadfully  cut  in  my 
face  and  hands  by  angular  nut-shells,  which  are  scat- 
tered about  with  the  same  liberality  as  the  rind  of  the 
orange.  Shouts  of  laughter  solace  me  for  my  misfor- 
tune, and  coarse  jokes  in  English,  German,  French, 
and  Yankee,  assail  me  in  all  quarters.  There  is  but 
one  alternative — I  will  retire  to  my  den,  miscalled  a 
state-room ;  but  alas !  my  amiable  chum  has  used  my 
basin — my  towel  is  floating  on  it,  as  in  pity  to  my  suf- 
ferings to  hide  its  contents — and  the  ewer  is  empty. 
How  are  these  evils  to  be  remedied  ?  the  noise  of  the 
saloon  is  too  great  for  my  feeble  voice  to  be  heard — 
the  servants  are  too  busy  to  attend — and  I  am  too 
weak  to  assist  myself.  But  what  will  not  time,  pa- 
tience, and  good-nature  effect?  I  have  succeeded  at 
last — my  wounds  are  covered  with  plasters,  my  toi- 
lette effected — and  lo  !  the  gong  again  sounds — the 
harpies  again  assemble — and  the  same  scene  ensues 
that  was  presented  at  breakfast  and  lunch. 

But  ah  me!  what  a  meal  is  the  dinner!  It  is  *  scabies 
occupat  extremum,'  or  the  devil  take  the  hindmost.  I 
look  around  the  table  to  see  if  there  is  anything  I  can 
eat.  There  is  a  dish  which  I  think  I  can  try.  I  cast 
an  imploring  look  upon  the  steward  and  another  upon 
the  dish,  or  rather  on  the  spot  where  it  stood,  for  it  is 
gone,  fled  to  another  table  and  returned  no  more.  I 
^  must  try  again.  There  are  fowls.  —  A  wing  with  a 
slice  of  ham,  I  think,  I  might  venture  upon,  but  alas  I 
he  who  carves  exclusively  for  himself  and  his  party, 
has  removed  the  wings  and  every  other  delicate  part, 
and  sends  me  the  dish  and  the  skeletons  to  help  myself. 
I  examine  the  table  again,  and  again  decide  to  make 
an  effort  to  eat,  but  the  dinner  is  gorfe  and  the  dessert 
has  supplied  its  place. 

Who  are  these  fellow-passengers  of  mine  ?  are  they 
sportsmen  1  has  the  word  *  course'  awakened  the  idea 


36  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

of  a  race,  and  do  they  eat  for  a  wager,  or  are  they 
marketing  and  anxious  to  get  the  value  of  their  money? 
Have  they  ever  drunk  wine  before,  that  they  call  that 
port-wine  and  water  hock,  or  that  sour  goose-berry 
champaigne  ?  or  do  they  ever  expect  to  drink  again, 
that  they  call  for  it  so  often  and  so  eagerly?  I  will  now 
enjoy  a  little  quiet — I  will  enter  into  conversation  with 
my  neighbours;  but  who  shall  I  talk  to?  That  old 
married  couple  annoy  me  by  showing  their  yellow 
teeth  and  snarhng,  and  that  new  married  couple  dis- 
gust me  by  their  toying.  I  cannot  speak  Spanish,  and 
that  German  understands  neither  English  nor  French. 
There  is  no  conversation :  the  progress  of  the  Ship — 
Niagara — machinery,  and  the  price  of  cotton  and  to- 
bacco, are  the  only  topics ;  or  if  these  standard  tunes 
admit  of  variation,  it  is  an  offer  of  a  Polish  Jew  to  ex- 
change a  musical  snuff-box  for  your  watch,  or  to  cheat 
you  in  a  bet  on  a  subject  that  admits  of  no  doubt.  I 
will  follow  Miss  Martineau's  advice,  I  will  try  to  dis- 
cover *  the  way  to  observe,'  I  will  study  character. — 
What  again  Mr.  Dealer  in  delfts !  is  there  no  respite 
for  the  teeth,  no  time  for  digestion?  Is  eating  and 
drinking  the  only  business  of  life  ? — Clearing  the  table 
for  tea,  Sir — It  is  tea  time — You  will  find  it  pleasanter 
on  deck.  Oh  that  deck,  that  treacherous  deck!  the 
very  thoughts  of  it,  and  its  orange-peel,  pulverized 
glass  and  broken  nut-shells,  make  my  wounds  bleed 
afresh.  But  I  will  be  more  careful,  I  will  take  heed  to 
my  ways,  I  will  backslide  no  more,  nor  prostrate  my- 
self again  before  the  multitude :  I  will  ascend  and  look 
that  I  fall  not.  But  hark !  who  is  that  unfortunate  be- 
ing, whose  last  agonizing  shriek  has  thrilled  me  with 
horror,  and  who  those  hardened  wretches  that  exult 
in  his  pain?  Whence  that  deafening  cheer,  that  clapping 
of  hands,  that  uproarious  stamping  of  feet  ?  Is  death 
itself  become  a  subject  of  merriment,  and  are  the  last 
fearful  moments  of  life  a  fitting  occasion  for  laughter  ? 
It  is  a  German,  who,  merely  because  he  is  a  German, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERiV.  37 

must  forsooth  be  able  to  sing,  and  it  is  his  screaming, 
that  is  delighting  the  mob  and  calling  forth  these 
reiterated  plaudits.  —  How  brutal  is  ignorance,  how 
disgusting  is  vulgar  pretension !  but  far  above  all  these 
human  voices  rises  that  inhuman  sound  of  the  gong, 
again,  and  summons  this  voracious  multitude  to  their 
fourth  meal.  The  herd  is  again  possessed  with  the  un- 
clean spirit,  and  rushing  violently  down  the  precipitous 
descent,  is  soon  lost  in  the  vasty  depths  below.  I  will 
not  follow  them,  but  availing  myself  of  the  open  space 
they  have  deserted,  avoid  at  the  same  time  the  to- 
bacco and  its  accompaniments  on  deck,  and  the  noise 
and  gluttony  of  the  cabin,  and  enjoy  for  once  the  luxury 
of  solitude.  My  strength  however  is  unequal  to  the 
exposure — the  night  air  is  too  cold,  and  the  sea  too 
rough  for  my  emaciated  body.  Though  revived,  I  am 
becoming  chilled  and  suffer  from  the  spray,  which  now 
falls  heavily.  The  sound  of  the  last  plate  has  died 
away,  and  I  must  retreat  to  avoid  these  repeated 
shower-baths.  Whist,  loo,  chess,  drafts  and  back- 
gammon have  fortunately  produced  a  comparative 
quiet ;  but  how  is  this?  I  shall  faint — the  heat  is  dread- 
ful— the  oppression  perfectly  intolerable.  Fifty  voices 
exclaim  at  once,  the  sky-light !  open  the  sky-light ! 
'death  or  the  sky-light ! — It  is  opened,  and  ere  the  cool 
breeze  ventilates  the  tainted  atmosphere,  sixty  voices 
are  heard  vociferating :  It  flares  the  candles !  it  puts 
out  the  lights  !  the  draught  on  the  head  is  insupportable. 
No  two  can  agree  in  opinion,  and  the  confusion  is  in- 
describable. 

I  take  no  interest  in  the  dispute ;  fainting  or  freezing 
is  alike  to  me.  I  shall  die,  and  die  so  soon,  that  the 
choice  of  mode  is  not  worth  considering.  Heat  or 
cold,  or  both  in  aguish  succession — any  thing,  in  short, 
is  better  than  noise.  I  hope,  now,  at  all  events,  that 
the  eating  for  the  day  is  past.  Steward,  come  hither, 
steward — 


38 


THE  LETTER-BAG  OP 


Bring  it  directly,  sir — 

Nay — I  called  not  for  any  thing  ;  but  come  here,  I 
wish  to  speak  to  you. 

Have  it  in  a  moment,  sir — I  am  waiting  on  a  gen- 
tleman. 

It  is  useless,  I  will  enquire  of  my  neighbour.  Pray, 
sir,  (and  tremble  for  his  answer,)  pray,  sir,  can  you  in- 
form me  whether  we  are  to  have  supper  1 

Why,  not  exactly  a  regular  supper,  sir ;  there  should 
be,  though  ;  we  pay  enough,  and  ought  to  have  it :  and, 
really,  four  meals  a-day,  at  sea,  are  not  at  all  sufficient. 
It  is  too  long  to  go  from  tea-time  to  breakfast,  without 
eating.  But  you  can  have  any  thing  you  call  for ;  and 
I  think  it  is  high  time  to  begin,  for  they  close  the  bar  at 
ten  o'clock — steward,  brandy  and  water.  It  is  the  sig- 
nal ;  voice  rises  above  voice,  shout  above  shout.  Whis- 
key, rum,  cider,  soda,  ham,  oysters,  and  herrings — the 
demand  is  greater  than  the  supply.  Damn  them,  they 
don't  hear !  Why  the  devil  don't  you  come  ?  Bear-a- 
hand,  will  you !  Curse  that  six-foot,  he  is  as  deaf  as 
a  post !  You  most  particular,  everlastin,  almighty 
snail,  do  you  calculate  to  convene  me  with  them  are 
chicken  fixings,  or  not !  I  hope  I  may  be  shot,  if  I 
don't  reciprocate  your  inattention,  by  a  substraction 
from  the  amount  of  your  constitutional  fees — that's  a 
fact.  Blood-and-ounds,  man,  are  you  going  to  be  all 
night ! — Hoi  dich  der  Teufel !  what  for  you  come  not  ? 
Diable  ! — Depechez  done,  bete. 

The  bar  is  shut,  the  day  is  past,  the  scene  closes, 
the  raging  of  the  elements  is  over,  and  a  lull  once 
more  prevails.  Not  a  sound  is  heard,  but  the  solitary 
tinkling  of  a  spoon  on  the  glass,  as  it  stirs  up  the  dregs 
of  the  toddy,  which  is  supped  with  miserly  lips,  that 
hang  fondly  and  eagerly  over  the  last  drop.  I  will 
read,  now ;  I  will  lose  in  the  pathetic  story  of  Oliver 
Twist,  a  sense  of  my  own  miseries.  It  is  one  of  the 
few  novels  I  can  read.  There  are  some  touches  of 
deep  feeling  in  it.     Oh !  that  horrid  perfume ;  it  is  a 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  39 

negro — his  shadow  is  now  over  me ;  1  feel  his  very 
breath;  my  candle  is  rudely  blown  out,  without  either 
notice  or  apology ;  and  the  long,  smoking  wick,  reek- 
ing of  tallow,  is  left  under  my  nose,  to  counteract  by 
its  poison,  the  noxious  effluvia  of  the  African.  How 
dare  you,  sir  1  Orders,  sir — ten  o'clock — lights  out  in 
the  saloon.  I  have  no  objection  to  the  order,  it  is  a 
proper  one ;  and  whether  proper  or  not,  it  is  sufficient 
for  me  that  it  is  an  order;  but  it  should  be  executed,  if 
not  with  civility,  at  least  with  decency.  But  I  submit ; 
I  crawl  off  to  my  den  again,  thankful  that  1  shall  be 
left  alone,  and  can  commune  with  myself,  in  my  own 
chamber,  and  be  still.  But  no  !  my  chum  is  there ;  he 
is  in  the  joint  act  of  expectorating  and  undressing.  It 
is  a  small  place  for  two  to  stand  in ;  a  dirty  place  to 
be  in  at  all.  But  time  presses,  my  head  swims  in  diz- 
ziness, and  I  must  try.  My  coat  is  half  off,  and  my 
arms  pinioned  by  it  behind  me ;  and  in  this  defenceless 
state,  a  sudden  roll  of  the  ship  brings  my  companion 
upon  me,  with  the  weight  of  an  elephant ;  and  in  the 
fall,  he  grasps  and  carries  with  him  the  basin.  We 
slide  from  side  to  side ;  we  mop  the  floor  with  our 
clothes — but  I  cannot  proceed.  Niagara  would  not 
purify  me;  the  perfumes  of  Arabia  would  not  sweeten 
me.  Oh,  death  !  where  is  now  thy  sting  ?  Why  didst 
thou  respect  me  in  the  battle-field,  to  desert  me  in 
the  hour  of  my  need?  Why  was  I  reserved  for  a 
fate  like  this;  to  die  like  a  dog;  to  be  pinioned  in  a 
steamer. 

If  I  should  still  survive,  dear  Fugleman,  which  I  do 
not  expect  and  cannot  wish,  I  return  not  by  a  steamer. 
I  shall  go  to  Halifax  and  take  passage  in  a  Falmouth 
packet,  where  there  is  more  society  and  less  of  a  mob, 
where  there  is  more  cleanliness  and  less  splendour, 
where  eating  is  not  the  sole  business  of  life,  but  time 
is  given  you  to  eat,  where  the  company  is  so  agreeable 


40  THE  LETTER-BAG  OP 

you  seldom  wish  to  be  alone,  but.  where  you  can  be 
alone  if  you  wish ;  in  abort,  where  you  can  be  among 
Gentlemen. 

Believe  me,  my  dear  Fugleman, 

Yours  always, 

John  Haltfront. 


No.  IV. 

LETTER 

FROM  A  MIDSHIPMAN  OF  H.  M.  SHIP  LAP- 
WING TO  AN  OFFICER  OF  THE  INCON- 
STANT. 

Dear  Jack  — 

Land  ahead  my  boy,  and  to-morrow  we  come 
down  with  the  dust,  not  coal  dust,  please  the  pigs,  nor 
gold  dust,  for  I  never  could  raise  the  wind  to  raise  that 
kind  of  dust,  but  rael  right  down  genuine  Yankee  dust 
and  no  mistake. — What  dost  thou  think  of  that.  Jack? 
Oh  it  blew  till  all  was  blue  again,  the  whole  voyage, 
but  our  smoking  steed,  the  charming  Cinderclea,  be- 
haved nobly.  She  flew  thro'  the  water  like  the  steam 
thro'  the  flue,  she  never  broke  a  bucket,  carried  away 
a  coal-skuttle,  or  sprung  a  poker,  but  behaved  like  a 
dear  little  scullion  as  she  is.  She  paddled  like  a  duck, 
and  hissed  like  a  swan.  She  ran  a  race  with  mother 
Carey's  chickens,  and  beat  them  by  a  neck.  Oh,  she  is 
a  dear  love  of  a  smoke.  Jack.  If  we  haven't  had  any 
distinguished  Uving  characters  on  board,  w^e  have  had 
the  honour  of  carrying  the  "  ashes  of  the  grate"  (old 
pun  that,  Jack,  but  we  always  wear  old  clothes  and 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  41 

fire  old  puns  at  sea,  you  know)  and  although  we  have 
been  accused  of  *  poking'  our  way  across  the  Atlantic, 
I  don't  know  how  that  applies  to  us,  for  we  kept  a 
"  straight  course,"  ran  like  the  devil,  and  cleared  "  all  the 
bars."  It  was  a  "  stirring"  time  on  board,  every  coun- 
tenance was  *  lighted'  up,  and  though  there  was  much 
'  heat,'  there  was  no  *  quarrelling.'  *  Falling  out'  how- 
ever would  be  much  less  dangerous  than  *  falling  in,' 
and  there  is  some  little  difference  between  a  "  blow  up" 
and  a  "  blow  out,"  as  you  and  I  happen  to  know  to 
our  cost. — We  have  lots  of  land-lubbers  on  board, 
young  agitators,  fond  of  "  intestine  commotions,"  who 
are  constantly  "  spouting ;"  maidens,  whose  bosoms 
"  heave ;"  young  clerks,  who  "  cast  up  accounts ;" 
custom-house  officers,  who  "clear  out;"  sharpers  given 
to  "  over  reaching,"  Jews,  who  at  the  taffrail  "  keep  a 
pass-over ;"  lawyers,  who  "  take  nothing  by  their  mo- 
tion ;"  doctors,  who  have  "  sick  visits ;"  choleric  peo- 
ple, who  cannot  "  keep  down  their  bill ;"  bankrupts, 
who  "give  up  all  they  have;"  spendthrifts,  who  "keep 
nothing  long;"  idlers,  who  do  nothing  all  day  but  "go 
up  and  down ;"  men  of  business  exhibiting  "  bills  of 
lading;"  swindlers,  who  "cut  and  run;"  military  men, 
who  "  surrender  at  discretion ;"  boys,  that  quarrel  and 
"  throw  up  at  cards ;"  servants,  that  cannot  "  keep  their 
places ;"  auctioneers  with  their  going — going — gone ; 
preachers,  who  say  "  they  want  but  little  here  below 
nor  want  that  little  long ;"  hypocrites,  that  make  "  long 
faces;"  grumblers,  that  are  "open  mouthed;"  bab- 
blers, that  "  keep  nothing  in ;"  painters  ever  reluctant 
"  to  show  their  palette ;"  authors,  that  cannot  conceal 
"their  effusions;"  printers,  that  never  leave  "their 
sheets;"  and  publishers,  that  first  'puff'  and  then 
"  bring  forth  their  trash ;"  in  short,  men  of  all  sorts  in 
"  one  common  mess."  Lord !  what  fun  it  is,  dear 
Jack,  to  see  these  creatures.  Good  christians  they  are 
too,  for  they  *  give  and  take.'  They  return  ail  kind- 
ness with  interest.  Charitable  to  a  degree,  for  they 
4* 


42  THE    LETTER-BAG   OP 

give  all  they  have  and  "  strain"  a  point  to  do  their  ut- 
most. Candid  souls !  they  "  keep  nothing  back,"  but 
"  bring  every  thing  forward"  without  any  considera- 
tion for  themselves;  although  there  is  no  danger  of 
death,  they  are  resigned  to  die.  Their  pride  is  so 
humbled,  that  they  no  longer  "carry  their  heads  high" 
'or  are  burthened  with  a  "proud  stomach,"  but  are 
content  to  remain  in  the  place  they  occupy. — The 
vanities  of  dress  they  wholly  discard,  and  would  be 
disgusted  at  the  sight  of  new  clothes  or  of  finery. — 
They  are  abstemious  at  table,  and  taste  of  the  bitters 
of  this  world  on  principle. — What  can  be  more  edify- 
ing. Jack  ?  It  is  as  good  as  a  sermon,  is  it  not  ?  Then 
when  they  stand  on  t'other  tack,  it  is  as  good  as  a 
play. — Hallo  !  what's  this  ?  Oh  dear  !  I  beg  your  par- 
don, Sir,  I  do  indeed,  but  when  it  comes  on  so  sudden, 
it  blinds  me  so  I  can't  see;  I  am  so  sorry  I  mistook 
your  hat  for  the  basin. — Don't  mention  it,  madam,  but 
oh  Lord !  my  stool  is  loose  behind,  and  away  we  both 
roll  together  into  the  lee-scuppers  and  are  washed  first 
forward  and  then  aft.  Hope  you  are  not  hurt,  madam, 
but  I  could  not  hold  on  behind,  it  came  so  sudden,  we 
shipped  a  sea — I  hope  I  shall  never  see  a  ship  again. 
It's  a  wonder  she  did  not  go  down  that  time,  for  she 
was  pooped.  —  Oh  Sir!  did  you  ever?  do  call  the 
steward,  please,  do  take  me  below,  I  shall  never  sur- 
vive this,  I  am  wet  through — if  ever  I  reach  land,  no- 
body will  catch  me  afloat  again.  I  am  so  ashamed  I 
shall  die,  I  hope  I  didn't — certainly  not,  madam,  the 
long  cloak  prevented  any  thing  of  that  kind.  Well,  I 
am  so  glad  of  that,  pray,  take  me  down  while  I  can 
go,  for  I  have  swallowed  so  much  of  that  horrid  salt 
water. — Pretty  dialogue  that,  is  it  not  ? 

Oh  !  my  dear  fellow  !  you  may  go  round  the  world 
in  a  king's  ship  (Queen's  ship,  I  mean,  God  bless  her! 
and  raise  up  a  host  of  enemies  to  her,  that  we  may 
lick  them  and  get  our  promotion) ;  you  may  go  round 
it,  but  you  never  go  into  it.     If  you  want  to  see  life, 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  48 

take  a  trip  in  an  Atlantic  steam  packet.  That's  the 
place  where  people  *  show  up'  what  they  are.  But 
stop  !  Just  look  at  that  poor  wretch  near  the  wheel : 
how  white  he  looks  about  the  gills  !  sitting  wrapped  up 
in  his  cloak,  like  patience  at  a  monument,  waiting  for 
his  turn  to  turn  in  next,  and  not  caring  how  soon  it 
comes,  either.  He  is  too  ill  to  talk  and  hates  to  be 
spoken  to,  and  for  that  very  reason  I  will  address  him. 
How  do  you  find  yourself  now,  sir?  I  hope  you  are 
better.  He  dreads  to  open  his  mouth,  for  fear  he 
should  give  vent  to  more  than  he  wishes.  He  shakes 
his  head  only.  Can  I  give  you  any  thing?  Another 
shake  is  the  only  reply.  A  little  sago  ?  He  is  in  de- 
spair, and  gives  two  shakes.  A  little  arrowroot,  with 
brandy  in  it  ?  it  is  very  good.  He  is  angry ;  he  has 
lost  his  caution,  and  attempts  to  answer ;  but  suddenly 
placing  both  hands  to  his  mouth,  runs  to  the  tafrail. 
Poor  fellow !  he  is  very  ill,  very  ill,  indeed.  He  re- 
turns and  takes  his  seat,  and  his  head  falls  on  his  bo- 
som;  but  he  must  be  rough-ridden  before  he  will  be 
well-trained,  so  here  is  at  him  again :  Pray  let  me  send 
you  a  little  soup  with  Cayenne.  He  gives  half  a  dozen 
angry  shakes  of  the  head.  But  the  only  thing  to  be 
relied  upon  is  a  slice  of  fat  pork  fried  with  garlic ;  it 
is  a  specific.  He  makes  a  horrible  mouth,  as  if  the 
very  idea  would  kill  him ;  shuts  his  eyes  close,  as  if  it 
would  prevent  his  hearing ;  and  folding  his  cloak  over 
his  head,  turns  round  and  lies  down  on  the  deck  in 
despair.  The  officers  of  the  watch  and  I  exchange 
winks,  and  I  pass  on  to  the  saloon,  for  a  glass  of 
(what  the  navy  has  gone  to  the  devil  without,  since  it 
has  become  too  fashionable  to  use  it  as  Nelson  did), 
for  a  glass  of  grog. 

But,  Oh !  my  eyes !  look  here.  Jack  !  bear  a  hand 
this  way,  my  boy !  Down  the  companion-way  with 
you,  as  quick  as  you  can,  and  look  at  that  poor  devil 
pinned  to  the  state-room  door,  with  a  fork  through  the 
palm  of  his  hand,  which  the  steward  stuck  there  in  a 


44  THE   LETTER-BAG   OP 

lee  lurch.  Hear  him,  how  he  swears  and  roars ;  and 
see  the  steward  standing  looking  at  him,  and  hoping  he 
hasn't  hurt  him ;  as  if  it  could  do  any  thing  else  but 
hurt  him.  See  what  faces  he  makes,  as  if  he  was 
grinning  through  a  horse-collar  at  Saddler's  Wells. 
What  a  subject  for  Cruikshanks !  I  must  not  sufier 
him  to  be  released  till  I  sketch  him.  Where  the  devil 
is  my  pencil  i  a  guinea  for  a  pencil !  Oh  !  here  it  is, 
and  the  paper  too.  I  must  have  this  living  caricature. 
Stop,  steward,  don't  touch  that  fork  for  your  life :  call 
the  doctor ;  perhaps  you  have  struck  an  artery,  (I  have 
him) — the  blood  might  flow  too  freely,  (I  wish  he 
would  hold  still) — or  you  might  wound  a  nerve,  (he 
twists  about  so  there  is  no  sketching  him) — in  which 
case  lock-jaw  might  perhaps  ensue,  (how  he  roars ! 
there  is  no  catching  that  mouth) — rusty  iron  is  very 
dangerous  to  wounds,  (I  have  him  now,  by  Jove !) — 
especially  to  wounds  in  the  hand  and  feet,  (that  will  do 
now ;  let  us  see  what  he  will  do).  "  Steward,  why 
don't  you  '  fork  out,'  you  rascal  ?  '  Draw,'  you  scoun- 
drel, or  I  '11  murder  you.  That  *  fork'  has  spoiled  the 
carving  of  the  door.  *  Palmy'  times,  these !  That 
*  tine'  is  not  *  tiny,'  sir.  It  is  a  *  great  bore'  to  be  bored 
through  the  hand  in  that  '  unhandsome'  manner."  I 
beg  pardon,  sir,  says  the  steward,  it  was  not  my  fault; 
but  this  ship  is  so  *  unhandy,'  it  is,  indeed,  sir.  Excuse 
me,  my  good  fellow,  I  say  (for  I  cannot  lose  this  op- 
portunity)— excuse  me ;  but  you  have  put  a  stopper  on 
your  whist  playing.  "  How  so,  sir?"  Your  adversary 
can  see  into  your  hand.  "  Humph  !  Don't  thank  you 
for  your  joke."  It  would  be  a  devilish  good  joke  if 
you  did.  So  now  Jack,  you  see  what  a  "  trip  of  plea- 
sure" means  among  these  land  lubbers;  and  that  is 
better  than  **  pinning  your  faith  to  my  sleeve,"  as  the 
steward  did  to  that  sea-calf  s  of  a  passenger. 

But  here  comes  a  great  vulgar  conceited  ass  of  a 
Cockney,  who  thinks  we  are  bound  to  talk  of  nothing, 
during  the   voyage,  but  steam  and  machinery,  two 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  45 

subjects  which  I  detest  above  all  others ;  they  are  so 
technical,  so  shoppy,  so  snobbish.     Hear  him. 

Pray,  Mr.  Piston  (who  the  devil  told  him  my  name 
was  Piston?  It's  one  I  hate,  it  sounds  so  Brumma- 
gem-like, and  I  hate  a  fellow  that  uses  it  unceremoni- 
ously)— Pray,  sir,  do  you  know  the  principle  of  this 
boat? 

I  have  that  honour,  sir ;  he  is  Captain  Claxton,  of 
Bristol. 

No,  no;  I  beg  pardon;  not  who,  but  what  is  the 
principle  i 

Oh !  exactly ;  now  I  take.  The  principal,  sir,  is 
80,000  pounds,  and  it  pays  9  per  cent,  interest. 

See  how  he  flushes  ;  his  choler  is  rising ;  he  is  es- 
tabUshing  a  raw :  if  he  gets  through  this  examination, 
he  will  eschew  me  for  the  future,  as  he  would  the  devil. 
Take  my  word  for  it,  he  will  never  put  me  into  the 
witness-box  again. 

You  don't  comprehend  me,  sir.  I  merely  wished  to 
ask  you  if  it  were  on  the  high  or  the  low  principle. 

On  the  high,  decidedly,  sir;  for  they  charge  £43  IO5. 
for  a  passage,  which  is  high,  very  high,  indeed.  The 
object,  sir,  is  to  exclude  low  people,  although  it  does 
not  effectually  answer  even  that  purpose  (and  I  gave 
him  a  significant  look).  You  observe  they  take  no 
steerage  passengers,  though  it  might  perhaps  be  an  im- 
provement if  they  did  (another  significant  look,  which 
the  insignificant  lubber  appears  to  take).  Odi  pro- 
fanum  vulgus  et  arceo  (I  like  that  last  word,  it  is  so 
expressive  of  the  cold  shoulder)  is  the  very  proper 
motto  of  the  very  exclusive  Board  of  Directors  at 
Bristol. 

I  am  sorry  I  have  not  been  so  fortunate  as  to  render 
myself  inteUigible,  (says  my  scientific  friend,  his  ire 
visibly  getting  the  steam  up)  ;  I  desired  to  know  if  it 
were  on  the  high  pressure  or  low  pressure  principle. 

Oh !  that  is  quite  another  thing,  sir ;  I  conceive  it  is 
on  the  low-pressure ;  for  the  lower  a  thing  is  pressed, 


46  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

the  greater  is  the  compression — do  you  take? — the 
greater  the  power.  For  instance,  there  is  the  screw, 
invented  by  Hyder  Aulu,  or  Hyder  Alley,  I  forget 
which,  is — he  bites  his  lips,  his  eyes  dilate,  but  it  won't 
do — it's  no  go.  I  am  afraid  I  am  troublesome,  he  says, 
with  some  confusion.  We  bow,  and  touch  our  hats 
with  much  formality,  and  part,  I  hope,  to  meet  no  more. 
Poor  fun,  this,  after  all ;  grey  hairs  ought  to  be  re- 
spected, particularly  when  supported  by  a  large  sto- 
mach. Seniores  priores ;  or  the  old  hands  to  the  bow 
oars ;  but,  still,  they  should  mind  their  stops,  and  not 
be  putting  in  their  oars  on  all  occasions.  Nemo  omni- 
bus horis  sapit,  it  is  not  every  one  with  hoary  hairs 
that  is  wise.  How  I  should  like  to  make  love,  if  it  was 
only  for  the  fun  of  the  thing,  just  to  keep  one's  hand 
in ;  but,  alas !  all  the  young  girls  are  sick — devilish 
sick ;  and,  I  trust,  I  need  not  tell  you  that,  a  love-sick 
girl  is  one  thing,  and  a  sea-sick  girl  is  another.  I  like 
to  have  my  love  returned  ;  but  not  my  dinner.  Balmy 
sighs,  and  sour  ones ;  heaving  bosoms,  and  heaving 
stomachs,  are  not  compatible.  Dear  Jack,  say  what 
you  will,  and  love  will  fly  out  of  the  window,  when — 
but,  in  mercy  to  the  dear  creatures,  whom  I  really  do 
love,  I  will  drop  the  subject,  or,  rather,  throw  it  up  at 
once.  Now,  I  will  take  a  rise  out  of  that  cross  old 
spinster  on  the  camp-stool.  I  hate  an  old  maid,  and 
never  lose  an  opportunity  of  showing  them  up.  It  may 
be  savage,  I  admit;  but  man  is  an  animal,  bipes  im- 
plumis,  risibilis,  as  Aldrich  has  it.  What  a  definition 
of  a  man,  implumis !  and  yet  I  have  seen  fellows  with 
feathers  in  their  caps,  too,  and  hope  to  have  one  in 
mine,  before  I  die ;  but,  still,  I  must  have  my  lark,  let 
who  will  pay  the  piper.  Here,  boy,  run  forward,  and 
tell  that  young  scape-grace,  George,  that  if  he  does 
not  do  what  I  ordered  him,  he  may  "look-out  for 
squalls."  Oh,  dear !  Mr.  Piston,  says  the  lady,  prick- 
ing up  her  ears,  like  a  cat  a  listening,  do  you  really 
think  there  is  any  danger   of  "  squalls  ?'     Oh,  very 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  4*7 

much  SO,  indeed,  madam  !  but  don't  be  alarmed,  there 
is  no  danger,  if — no,  no,  there  is  no  danger,  none  at 
all,  if— 

If  what,  sir  ?  do,  pray,  tell  me  ! 

Why,  no  danger,  madam,  if  there  aint  a  blow-up ; 
but,  pray  don't  be  frightened,  it  can't  reach  you. 

Reach  me,  sir !  why  it  will  reach  us  all.  A  blow- 
up !  oh  how  shocking !  Do  be  so  good,  sir,  as  to  sit 
down  and  tell  me — how  is  it,  sir? 

Don't  be  alarmed,  madam ;  I  am  sorry  you  over- 
heard me;  there  is  no  danger — not  the  least  in  the 
world,  nothing  but  a  little  blow-up,  it  will  be  over  in  a 
minute — 

Over  in  a  minute,  sir !  but  where  shall  w^e  all  be  1 
we  shall  all  be  over  in  a  minute,  too — all  overboard ! 

I  assure  you,  madam,  there  is  no  danger.  Do  be 
composed;  they  are  very  common. 

I  know  it,  sir;  they  are  always  blowing-up,  are 
steamboats ;  three  hundred  lives  lost  on  the  Mississippi, 
the  other  day. 

Three  hundred  and  eighty,  said  I. 

Yes,  three  hundred  and  eighty,  said  she ;  and  every 
day,  almost,  they  are  blowing-up.  There  was  the 
Santa  Anna,  and  the  Martha,  and  the  Three  Sisters, 
and  the  Two  Brothers,  and  I  don't  know  how  many 
more,  blown  up. 

Steamboats,  madam  ? 

Yes,  steamboats,  sir !  they  are  very  dangerous ; 
never  again  will  I  put  my  foot  on  board  of  one  of  them. 
Oh,  dear,  I  wish  I  was  out  of  this  horrid  steamer ! 

But,  I  said  nothing  of  steamboats,  madam. 

Do  you  call  blowing-up,  nothing,  sir?  scalding  to 
death,  sir,  nothing,  sir ;  drowning,  nothing,  sir ;  being 
sent  out  of  the  world  in  that  awful  manner,  nothing, 
sir? 

But,  madam,  pray  don't  be  excited ;  I  wasn't  talking 
of  steamers  at  all. 

Then,  what  were  you  talking  of,  sir?     Oh,  dear!  1 


4S  THE  LETTER-BAG  OP 

am  so  frightened,  so  dreadfully  frightened ;  I  feel  so 
shockingly  nervous ;  I  am  all  of  a  tremour ;  what  were 
you  talking  of,  then,  sir  ? 

I  was  merely  saying,  madam,  that,  if  boy  George  did 
not  clean  my  boots,  he  might  look-out  for  squalls,  for  I 
would  give  him  a  blowing-up,  which  means 

Yes,  yes,  sir,  I  know  what  it  means ;  and  then  draw- 
ing herself  up  as  stately  as  a  queen,  1 11  not  trouble 
you  any  further,  sir. 

Not  the  least  trouble  in  the  world,  madam,  said  I, 
rising,  and  smiHng,  not  the  least  trouble  in  the  world, 
madam;   rather  a  pleasure,  I  assure  you. 

Yes,  my  dear  fellow,  if  you  w^ant  to  see  the  world, 
take  a  trip  in  the  Great  Western,  or  some  of  those 
w^hacking  large  Atlantic  steamers,  and  you  will  see 
more  fun,  and  more  of  human  nature,  in  a  w^eek,  than 
you  will  see  in  the  "  Inconstant "  in  a  twelve-month ; 
but  whether  you  follow  this  advice  or  not,  recollect 
.hat,  fair  weather  or  foul  weather,  by  land  or  by  sea, 
by  day  or  by  night,  you  have  a  fast  friend  in  old 

Tom  Piston. 


No.  V. 

LETTER 

FROM  JOHN  SKINNER,  BUTCHER,  TO 
MARY  HYDE. 

Dear  Mary  — 

You  wouldn't  believe  me  when  I  told  you  I  w^as 
off  in  the  Great  Western,  to  see  a  httle  of  the  other 
side  of  the  world ;  but  its  cum  true,  for  all  that,  like 
many  a  more  unlikelier  thing  has  cum  afore  now ;  and 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN".  49 

here  I  am,  half-seas  over,  as  the  teetotallers  call  some- 
thing else,  and  may  be  a  little  more.  I  likes  it  very 
much  indeed,  all  but  being  wet  all  the  time ;  but  its  the 
nature  of  the  sea  to  be  wet,  and  for  a  new  recruit,  I 
stands  it  nobly,  only  I  can't  keep  my  feet,  for  I  've  been 
floored  oftener  than  any  man  in  the  ship.  My  heels 
has  a  great  inclination  to  rise  in  the  world,  showing 
what  the  sole  of  a  butcher  is ;  and  I  shall  soon  walk  as 
well  on  my  head  as  my  feet.  It  is  lucky  you  aint  here, 
dear  Mary,  this  sort  of  work  wouldn't  suit  you ;  you 
was  always  giddy-headed. 

The  sailors  undertook  to  pass  their  jokes  upon  me, 
when  I  first  came  on  board,  calling  me  old  Skinner, 
and  butcher,  and  you  with  the  smock-frock  and 
breeches,  and  so  on.  It 's  a  way  they  have  with  lands- 
men ;  but  it  isn't  every  lands-man  that's  green,  for  all 
that.  They  are  a  set  of  lubberly,  unmannerly  rascals 
as  ever  I  see.  Whenever  I  ask'd  one  of  them  to  help 
me,  he  said  it's  my  turn  below,  or  its  my  turn  on  deck, 
and  who  was  your  lackey  last  year,  or  does  your  mo- 
ther know  you  are  out.  To-day,  when  I  fell  on  the 
broad  of  my  back,  they  began  running  their  rigs  as 
usual,  saying,  pull  down  your  smock-frock,  John  Skin- 
ner, or  you  will  show  your  legs,  come  to  me  and  1 11 
help  you  up,  and,  how  does  it  feel,  butcher.  Try  it, 
says  I,  and  you  '11  know ;  and  I  knocked  two  of  them 
down  like  bullocks.  It  made  them  very  civil  after- 
wards, calling  me  sir,  and  Mr.  Skinner.  It  improved 
their  manners  vastly.  The  steward  and  me  is  great 
friends,  and  I  get  my  grog  in  his  room. 

When  I  takes  down  the  milk,  I  gets  a  glass  of  bran- 
dy ;  and  when  I  puts  my  hand  on  his  side  to  steady 
me  while  I  drink  it,  and  feel  ^ve  inches  of  good  clear 
fat  on  his  ribs,  it  makes  me  feel  wicked,  to  think  if  1 
had  the  dressing  of  him,  how  beautiful  he  would  cut- 
up.  My  fingers  get  on  the  handle  of  my  knife  inwol- 
luntary,  like,  as  if  they  would  long  to  be  into  him. 
He  is  stall-fed,  like  a  prize  ox  ;  his  fat  is  quite  wonder- 
5 


50  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

ful,  which  is  more  than  I  can  say  of  our  stock.  One 
of  my  cows  has  gone  dry,  which  comes  of  her  being 
wet  all  the  time,  and  not  having  room  to  lie  down  in. 
The  salt-water  has  made  corn-beef  of  her,  already. 
She  is  of  the  pole  breed,  and  the  crossest,  contrariest 
beast  I  ever  see.  She  have  rubbed  off  her  tail,  at  last 
— a  rubbin  so,  the  whole  time.  The  other  cow  is  a 
nice  little  bullock ;  but  she  had  a  calf  too  early,  so  she 
had ;  her  mouth  is  as  young  as  a  babby's — tho'  in 
another  year  she  will  be  a  good  beast  enough.  The 
poultry,  poor  things,  are  very  sickly,  and  would  all  die 
if  I  didn't  kill  the  weakliest,  for  the  cabin,  to  save  their 
lives — and,  so  is  the  pigs,  so  much  swimming  don't 
agree  with  them ;  and  when  they  stagger,  and  won't 
eat,  I  serve  them  the  same  way ;  for  it  stands  to  rea- 
son, they  can't  thrive  when  they  gives  over  eating,  that 
way. 

We  travels  day  and  night  here  all  at  the  same  pace, 
up  hill  and  down  dale,  and  this  I  will  say, — the  Corn- 
wall hills  are  fools  to  some  of  the  seas  we  see  from 
the  ship ;  but  it's  here  goes — who's  afraid — and  down 
we  dashes  as  hard  as  we  can  lay  legs  to  it.  They 
carries  the  light  on  the  top  instead  of  each  side  of  the 
box,  as  we  do  ashore,  which  makes  passing  other  lines 
in  the  night  very  awkward,  for  there  is  no  hedge  to 
mark  the  road,  and  show  you  the  distance  of  the 
drains;  but  it's  like  Saulsberry  plain  in  a  snow  storm, 
all  white  as  far  as  you  can  see,  and  no  mile-stones  or 
lamp-posts ;  and  you  can't  reign  up  short,  for  it  takes 
some  time  to  put  the  drags  on  the  wheel  to  bring  her 
to  a  stand  still.  How  they  finds  their  way  in  the  dark 
is  a  puzzle  to  me,  but  I  suppose  they  have  travelled  it 
so  often,  they  have  got  it  by  heart  like.  I  often  think 
if  the  lynch  pin  was  to  cum  out,  and  they  to  lose  a 
wheel,  or  the  two  to  cum  off,  or  the  axle-tree  break, 
what  a  pretty  mess  they'd  be  in,  and  yet  arter  all,  as 
for  speed,  big  as  she  is,  I'd  trot  her  for  a  treat  with 
master's  pony,  and  not  be  a  bit  afeard.     But  what  un- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  51 

der  the  sun  could  make  the  Bristol  people  call  her  a 
boat,  for  I'm  positive  she  is  the  biggest  ship  I  ever 
see !  They  have  to  hang  up  two  bells  in  her,  one  aft, 
and  one  in  the  forepart,  for  one  aint  enough  to  be 
heard  all  over  her.  The  bow,  they  call  "  far  west,"  it 
is  so  far  off — the  starn,  "  down  east,"  and  the  sentre, 
where  them  black  negro-looking  fellows,  the  stokers  ' 
live,  "  Africa."  The  engines  is  wonderful,  that 's  sar- 
tain.  They  work  like  a  baker  needing  do  for  bred, 
and  the  digs  it  gives  is  surprising.  The  boilers  is 
big  enough  to  scald  at  one  dip,  all  the  pigs  in  an  Irish 
steamer,  and  would  be  a  fortune  to  a  butcher.  The 
fire-places  is  large  enough  to  roast  a  whole  hog  at 
once,  and  if  there  is  a  thing  I  love,  it's  roast  pork. 
The  hard,  red,  crisp,  cronchy  skin  is  beautiful,  as 
much  as  to  say,  come,  stick  it  into  me  afore  I  am  cold. 
It  puts  me  in  mind  of  your  lips,  dear  Mary,  both  on 
'em  is  so  red,  so  plump,  so  enticing,  and  both  taken 
with  a  httle  sarce. — Yes,  I  never  see  a  pig,  I  doesn't 
think  of  you,  it's  cheeks  is  so  round  and  fat  like  yourn. 
The  rib,  too,  means  a  w^ife  every  where ;  but  I  wont 
say  no  more,  for  fear  I  should  find  I  had  gotten  the 
wrong  sow  by  the  ear.  We  have  a  great  deal  of 
company  on  board,  consisting  of  two  hundred  men 
and  women,  two  cows,  ten  pigs,  besides  fowls  and  mu- 
latto girls.  One  of  these  young  v/omen  isn't  a  bad 
looking  heifer  neither ;  she  is  constantly  casting  sheep's 
eyes  at  me,  but  I  aint  such  a  calf  as  she  takes  me  to 
be,  so  don't  be  jealous  Mary.  She  thinks  I  don't 
know  she  has  a  touch  of  the  tar-brush, — so  says  she, 
Mr.  Skinner,  the  water  is  very  bad,  aint  it  ?  Very, 
I  says, — its  keeping  it  in  them  nasty  iron  tanks,  that 
makes  it  look  so  black,  and  taste  so  foul.  Exacaly,  sir, 
says  she,  the  water  has  got  so  much  iron  in  it,  I  dread- 
ful afraid  of  lightning,  it  will  make  me  so  attractive. 
You  don't  need  that,  says  I,  Miss,  your  hone  attrac- 
tions is  so  great  of  themselves.  Oh!  says  she,  Mr. 
Skinner,  how  you  do  flatter — but  really,  it  do  affect 


52  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

me  dreadful,  especially  my  memory,  which  is  quite 
rusty,  and  then  it  colours  my  skin  and  spoils  my  com- 
plexion, it  comes  thro'  the  pores  and  iron-moulds  my 
very  linnin,  it  do  indeed.  Wasn't  that  capital,  Mary  ! 
a  mulatto  wench,  swearing  it  was  the  iron  made  her 
^  face  copper-colour'd ;  let  the  women  alone  for  tricks, 
there's  few  can  match  them  in  that  line.  How  civil 
she  is  with  Mr.  Skinner. — Will  you  have  a  piece 
of  pie — or,  Mr.  Skinner,  here's  an  orange — or,  Mr. 
Skinner,  lend  me  an  arm,  sir,  please.  But  soft  words 
butter  no  parsnips — it  wont  do — its  no  go  that.  I'll 
lend  her  an  arm,  or  any  thing  else  to  oblige  her,  out  of 
civility,  but  as  for  my  heart,  that 's  for  you,  dear 
Mary — and  tho'  I  say  it,  that  shouldn't  say  it,  there  aint 
a  stouter  nor  a  truer  one  in  all  Gloucestershire,  as  you 
will  find  some  o'  these  days. 

My  ambition  is  to  be  able  to  set  up  my  own  man, 
in  my  own  shop,  afore  I  die,  with  prime  beef  and  mut- 
ton in  it,  and  you  with  your  white  apron  on — the  pret- 
tiest peace  of  meat  of  them  all ;  and  to  hear  folks  say, 
as  they  pass,  "  Damn  that  fellow.  Skinner !  he  has  the 
prettiest  wife  and  the  best  mutton  in  all  Bristol :"  that 's 
what  I  am  at,  and  no  mistake.  I  wouldn't  Hke  to  folly 
buchering  all  my  life  in  a  ship,  for  it 's  too  unsteady. 
Me  and  the  half-dressed  sheep  sometimes  both  comes 
down  together  by  the  run,  all  of  a  smash ;  and  tum- 
bling about  with  a  knife  in  your  hand,  or  atween  your 
teeth,  is  not  safe  for  your  own  hide  or  other  people's, 
No  longer  agone  than  yesterday  I  cut  across  the  can- 
vas trousers  of  a  sailor,  and  one  inch  more  would  a 
fixed  him  for  life.  Besides,  capsising  the  bucket,  which 
will  happen  sometimes,  makes  a  great  fuss  among  the 
sailors,  who  have  to  scrub  up  all  clean  with  a  great  big 
stone  they  call  holy-stone,  cause  they  swears  over  it 
so.  After  all,  life  in  a  steamer  ain't  so  pleasant  as  life 
in  Bristol,  especially  when  work  is  done,  seeing  friends 
at  the  ale-house,  or  walking  of  a  Sunday  over  to  Clif-^^ 
ton  with  somebody  as  shall  be  nameless.   One  question 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  "58 

more  and  Pme  done :  Who  courts  standing  with  their 
heads  over  it,  at  the  stile,  one  on  one  side  of  it,  and 
tother  on  the  other  ?  Well,  it  arnte  the  donkeys,  tho' 
they  comes  there  sometimes ;  and  it  tante  our  cow  and 
squire  Maze's  old  blind  bull,  tho'  they  do  come  there  to 
rub  noses  across  the  bars  sometimes,  too ;  but  it 's  a 
pretty  girl  what  wears  a  bonnet  with  blue  ribbons,  that 
do  cum  to  see  a  well-built  young  butcher  in  Bristol; 
and  mind  what  I  telly,  the  next  time  he  comes  there, 
him  and  Blue  Ribbons  is  both  on  one  side  of  the  stile, 
in  less  time  than  wink,  mind  that,  for  Pme  not  joking 
no  more  than  a  parson.  Hopping  that  it  may  come 
soon,  and  that  you  will  be  as  true  as  I  be, 
I  remain  'till  death, 

YourJoving  friend, 

John  Skinner. 


No.  VI. 

LETTER 

FROM  ONE  OF  THE  SOCIETY  OF  FRIENDS 

TO  HER  KINSWOMAN. 

Esteemed  Friend  — 

Thee  will  be  pleased  to  hear  that  we  are  now 
in  sight  of  America,  to  which  country  the  Lord  has 
graciously  vouchsafed  to  guide  us  in  safety  through 
many  perils,  giving  us  permission  at  times  to  see  the 
light  of  the  sun  by  day,  and  sometimes  the  stars  by 
night,  that  we  may  steer  our  lonely  way  through  the 
dreary  waste  and  solitary  expanse  of  the  pathless 
ocean.  Of  a  truth,  he  faithfully  and  beautifully  ex- 
pressed the  proper  feeling  of  a  Christian,  who  said, 
"  Though  I  walk  through  the  valley  of  the  shadow  of 

5* 


54  THE   LETTER-BAG    OF 

death,  I  will  fear  no  evil,  for  thou  art  with  me ;  thy  rod 
and  thy  staff  comfort  me."  And  now,  esteemed  and 
kind  friend,  my  heart  yearneth  towards  thee,  and  my 
first  thought  on  approaching  this  strange  land,  as  my 
last  on  leaving  that  of  my  forefathers,  resteth  on  thee, 
my  early  companion,  my  good  counsellor,  my  well- 
beloved  sister.  How  often,  in  the  stillness  of  night, 
when  alone  in  my  bed,  has  thy  image  been  called  up 
before  me,  by  the  fond  recollections  of  the  past !  How 
often  have  I  longed  for  thee  amid  the  raging  of  the 
tempest,  that  my  heart,  though  resigned  to  meet  what- 
ever might  betide  it,  might  catch  the  power  of  adding 
hope  to  fortitude,  from  the  cheerful  aspect  of  thy  coun- 
tenance !  And  how  often  amid  the  vain  and  frivolous 
scenes  that  I  have  daily  mingled  in  on  board  of  this 
ship,  have  I  wished  for  thy  conversation,  thy  compan- 
ionship and  support !  Strange  sensations  have  affected 
me  by  such  associations  as  I  have  had  here.  A  maiden 
and  her  brother,  from  London,  are  fellows-passengers. 
She  is  very  affable  and  kind,  very  condescending  in 
her  manners,  humble-minded,  though  of  high  birth,  and 
of  a  great  talent  for  conversation.  She  is  beloved  by 
all,  and  has  won  kind  regards  from  every  body.  Her 
attire  is  what  is  called  in  the  gay  world  "  fashionable." 
It  is  composed  of  the  most  beautiful  fabrics,  and,  though 
rich,  has  much  simplicity.  I  sometimes  ask  myself — 
Why  do  I  call  this  vain  or  idle  ?  If  Providence  decks 
the  birds  of  the  air  with  variegated  and  brilliant 
plumage,  and  endows  the  flowers  of  the  field  with 
splendid  colours ;  if  the  rose  boasts  its  delicate  tints, 
the  shrubs  their  fragrant  blossoms,  and  the  vine  its  ten- 
drils and  its  wreaths,  can  these  things  be  vain  ?  The 
lilies  toil  not,  neither  do  they  spin,  and  yet  Solomon  in 
all  his  glory  was  not  arrayed  like  one  of  these.  If  we 
who  have  dominion  over  them  are  not  ourselves  clothed 
by  nature,  was  it  not  an  intimation  that  our  toilet  was 
left  to  ourselves,  that  it  might  suit  the  seasons  and  our 
tastes,  that  it  might  be  renewed  when  old,  and  please 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  55 

the  eye,  and  do  justice  to  the  symmetry  and  beauty  of 
our  form  ?  When  I  look  at  this  lovely  maiden,  and  see 
her  in  this  vain  attire,  and  observe  that  she  is  not  ren- 
dered vain  thereby  herself,  forgive  me,  Martha,  but  I 
cannot  help  admitting  the  question  does  arise  to  my 
mind — "  Can  this  be  sinful  V  Does  it  not  afford  em- 
ployment to  the  poor,  profit  to  the  mechanic  and  manu- 
facturer, and  diffuse  wealth  that  avarice  might  other- 
wise hoard?  To-day  she  came  into  my  cabin  and 
asked  me  to  walk  the  deck  with  her,  and  as  I  sought 
my  bonnet,  said,  '  my  dear,  suffer  me  to  see  how  you 
would  look  in  mine,  my  pretty  friend,'  and  then  stood 
off  and  lifted  up  both  hands  and  exclaimed,  *  How  beau- 
tiful !  How  well  it  becomes  that  innocent  face !  Do 
look  at  your  sweet  self  in  the  glass,  my  love.  How 
handsome!  is  it  not?  Nay,  blush  not;  be  candid  now, 
and  say  whether  it  is  not  more  becoming  than  that  little 
pasteboard  Quaker  bonnet  of  thine.  Such  a  face  as 
yours  is  too  lovely  to  be  immured  in  that  unpretending 
piece  of  plainness,  as  you  yourself  would  be  to  be  im- 
prisoned in  a  nunnery : 

Full  many  a  face  with  brightest  eye  serene 
Those  plain  unfashionable  bonnets  bear; 

Full  many  a  rose  they  doom  to  blush  unseen, 

And  waste  its  sweetness  'mong  the  ringlets  there.' 

Nay,  said  I,  dear  lady,  now  thee  convinces  me  that 
the  Friends  very  properly  forbid  the  use  of  those  vain 
and  idle  decorations,  for  thee  makest  me  vain.  Thee 
has  summoned  up  more  pride  in  my  heart,  in  those 
few  brief  minutes,  than  I  knew  before  to  have  existed 
within  me.  Pray  take  it  back  ere  I  am  spoiled  by  thy 
praise  or  thy  worldly  attire.  •  You  would  soon  learn 
not  to  be  vain  of  them,  when  you  had  been  used  to 
them  :  am  I  vain  V  No,  indeed,  said  I,  by  no  means ; 
thee  is  not  vain,  but  far,  very  far  from  it ;  and  I  could 
not  help  thinkings  neither  should  I  be  vain,  if,  like  her, 
I  wore  them  daily. 


56  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

Do  not  be  alarmed,  Martha,  thee  must  not  think  I 
am  going  to  adopt  the  dress  of  these  people ;  I  have 
no  such  thoughts ;  but  methinks  we  place  more  im- 
portance upon  this  subject  than  it  deserves ;  but,  per- 
haps, my  understanding  is  too  weak  to  penetrate  the 
reasons  wisdom  assigns  for  their  exclusion.  Her  bro- 
ther is  a  captain  in  the  army — very  tall,  very  polite, 
and  very  handsome.  His  eyes  are  uncommonly  intel- 
ligent, and  so  bright,  I  cannot  look  at  them  when  he 
speaks  to  me,  for  they  seem  to  see  through  mine 
into  my  heart,  and  read  all  that  is  there.  There  is 
nothing  there,  thee  knowest,  but  what  he  or  any  one 
else  might  read,  except  that  I  do  not  want  him  to 
know,  what  I  should  be  ashamed  to  tell  him,  that  I 
think  him  so  handsome,  so  very  handsome.  He  swears 
sometimes,  which  is  such  a  pity.  I  heard  him  say, 
yesterday,  to  another  officer  that  is  on  board, — How 
lovely  that  quaker  girl  is,  by  G — !  She  is  the  sweet- 
est girl  I  ever  saw !  She  is  a  perfect  beauty — what 
eyes!  what  a  bust — what  feet — and  then  he  swore 
an  oath,  I  must  not  repeat — she  was  an  angel !  How 
shocking  to  be  spoken  of  in  such  language  of  profane 
praise,  by  a  man  whose  business  is  war,  and  who  is 
familiar  with  swords,  and  guns,  and  weapons  of  de- 
struction. That  oath  made  me  shudder,  especially,  as 
I  know  I  was  the  innocent  cause  of  it ;  and  yet  he  is 
so  gentle,  his  manner  so  kind,  and  his  conversation 
so  intelligent,  that  I  am  sure,  he  is  not  aware  of  this 
habit,  which  he  has  caught  without  knowing  it,  from 
others.  He  does  not  agree  with  his  sister  about  dress. 
He  told  me,  he  thought  there  was  great  elegance  in 
the  simplicity  of  the  quaker  dress — that  there  was  a 
modest  beauty  in  it,  particularly  becoming  young 
maidens — that  he  considered  the  way  fashionable  la- 
dies dressed,  was  disgusting,  and  that  the  muslin  that 
half  concealed,  half  revealed  our  charms,  was  uncom- 
monly attractive.  I  do  not  know  how  it  is,  I  fear  this 
man  of  war.     I  abhor  his  swearing,  and  never  could 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  57 

love  him,  no  never ;  and  yet  I  do  like  to  hear  him  talk 
to  me,  his  voice  is  so  musical,  and  his  discourse  so 
modest  and  suitable  for  female  ear.  He  has  seen 
much  of  foreign  parts,  and  has  helped  me  to  pass 
many  a  weary  hour.  His  anecdotes  are  both  amus- 
ing and  instructive.  How  strange  a  contradiction  is 
man !  He  swears,  because  I  heard  him  swear  about 
me,  and  yet  there  is  an  air  of  piety  that  pervades  his 
discourse,  that  is  very  pleasing.  If  thee  had  heard  the 
terms  of  just  indignation  with  which  he  related  the 
Polygamy  of  the  Turks,  and  how  they  ought  to  be 
hung,  that  had  so  many  wives,  thee  could  not  believe 
it  was  the  same  person  who  used  profane  oaths.  I 
think,  if  he  was  one  of  the  Friends,  instead  of  a  Cap- 
tain of  the  Queen's  hosts,  I  should  fear  to  be  so  much 
with  him,  lest  my  affections  should  outstrip  his.  Of 
the  other  passengers,  I  cannot  say  much;  they  play  at 
cards,  and  throw  the  dice,  and  for  money  too,  and 
drink  a  great  deal  of  wnne,  and  talk  very  loud.  It  is  a 
discordant  scene,  and  very  noisy,  for  there  are  people 
of  all  nations  here.  Their  prejudices  and  predilections 
are  amusing.  The  French  cannot  eat  sea  biscuit,  they 
are  so  used  to  soup.  The  Jews  will  not  touch  pork. 
The  teetotals  abjure  wine  and  strong  drink.  The 
Catholics,  every  now  and  then,  refuse  meat,  and  eat 
only  fish.  The  English  abhor  molasses,  and  the  Yan- 
kees abuse  French  wines.  The  foreigners  detest  rum, 
and  tobacco  is  a  constant  source  of  discussion  ;  yet 
amid  all  this  there  is  no  quarrelling.  I  have  not  been 
sea-sick  myself  at  all,  though  the  captain  was  for  two 
days,  and  it  w^as  fortunate  for  him  his  sister  w^as  on 
board  to  minister  to  his  wants.  He  is  very  courage- 
ous. During  the  dreadful  gale  we  had,  he  asked  me 
to  go  on  deck,  and  see  how  beautiful  the  ocean  looked 
in  such  a  tempest,  and  he  supported  me  with  his  arm 
in  the  kindest  manner.  As  we  passed  the  cabin  of  the 
missionary  passenger  on  deck,  w^e  heard  music,  and 
stopped  to  listen ;  it  was  a  hymn,  that  he  and  several 


58  THE    LETTER    BAG    OF 

persons  joined  in  singing.  As  it  rose  and  fell  on  the 
blast,  its  melancholy  tones  of  supplication  had  a  strik- 
ing effect,  and  touched  the  heart  with  sadness.  What 
a  fitting  time  this  would  have  been,  to  have  appealed 
to  him  against  the  irreverent  use  of  His  name,  who 
was  walking  abroad  on  the  waters !  but  my  heart 
failed  me,  for  just  as  I  looked  at  him  to  speak,  I  en- 
countered those  eyes,  those  beautiful,  speaking,  search- 
ing eyes,  that  so  unaccountably  compel  me  to  with- 
draw mine,  and  cause  me  a  kind  of  confusion.  Per- 
haps such  another  opportunity  may  not  occur  again. 
I  felt  interested  in  him  on  account  of  his  lovely  sis- 
ter, who  is  all  gentleness  and  goodness,  and  although 
I  abhor  war,  and  fear  warriors,  and  shall  never  for- 
get his  profaneness  in  calling  an  humble  maiden  like  me 
an  angel ;  yet  it  is  the  only  fault  he  has,  and  it  would 
be  cruel  to  regard  him  with  averted  looks,  or  frowns 
of  indignation. 

Indeed,  one  cannot  harbour  such  thoughts  at  sea, 
where  the  heart  is  impressed  by  its  mystery,  elevated 
by  its  sublimity,  and  awed  by  its  power— vast — restless 
— trackless,  unfathomable  and  inscrutable,  what  an 
emblem  it  is  of  the  ubiquity  and  power  of  God ! — How 
many  ideas  it  suggests,  how  it  awakens  the  imagina- 
tion, how  it  subdues  and  softens  the  heart !  How  vast 
are  the  treasures  of  this  great  store-house  of  the  world  ! 
How  many  kind,  generous  and  faithful  beings  has  the 
sea  folded  in  its  bosom,  and  oh  how  many  have  gone 
down  to  its  caverns,  amidst  the  thunders  of  war,  with 
the  guilt  of  blood  upon  their  hands,  to  realize  what  man, 
sinful  man,  miscalls  glory ! — Of  vessels  wrecked,  or  burn- 
ed, or  foundered,  the  number  must  have  been  fearfully 
great,  and  oh  what  aching  hearts,  agonizing  shrieks, 
and  lingering  deaths  has  it  witnessed  !  I  know  not  how 
it  is,  I  cannot  look  abroad  upon  this  world  of  waters, 
without  being  strongly  impressed  with  a  melancholy 
feeling  of  interest  in  those  untold  tales — those  hidden 
annals — those  secrets  of  the  vasty  deep.   If  the  captain 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN-.  59 

thought  as  I  did,  he  would  not  Hghtly — but  I  forget,  1 
only  mention  his  name,  because  there  is  really  so  little 
to  write  about,  that  is  w^orth  a  thought  in  this  great 
floating  caravansary.  When  I  arrive  at  New  York, 
which  I  hope  will  be  on  the  3d  morning  of  the  2d 
week  of  this  month,  I  shall  write  thee  again. 

Rebecca  Fox. 

P.  S.  I  hear  the  weather  in  Philadelphia  is  exces- 
sively hot,  and  that  it  is  necessary  to  wear  thin  cloth- 
ing, to  avoid  the  yellow  fever.  So  thee  will  please  to 
send  me  the  finest  and  thinnest  muslin  thee  can  find, 
for  my  neck ;  and  though  I  may  not  wear  Leghorn  or 
Palmetto,  yet  a  gauze  bonnet  would  not  be  so  heavy 
as  mine,  in  this  intense  heat,  nor  intercept  so  painfully 
all  air.  Delicate  lace  gloves,  methinks,  would  confer 
similar  advantages. — The  captain  has  just  enquired  of 
me,  what  route  we  take  on  our  arrival,  and  says,  it  is 
remarkable,  that  he  and  his  sister  had  fixed  on  the 
same  tour,  and  leave  New  York  by  the  same  con- 
veyance we  do ;  I  had  wished  for  her  company,  and 
am  much  pleased  to  be  favoured  with  it. 

R.  F. 


No.  VII. 

LETTER 

FROM  A  NEW  BRUNSWICKER  TO  HIS 
FRIEND  AT  FREDERICTON. 

My  dear  Carlton  — 

You  will  be  surprised  to  hear  I  am  already  on 
my  return,  but  my  business  having  been  all  satisfac- 
torily arranged,  I  had  no  inclination  to  remain  any 


60  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

longer  away  at  a  time  when  our  connnfierce  might  pos- 
sibly receive  an  interruption  from  the  mad  proceedings 
of  our  neighbours.  I  am  delighted  with  England  and 
the  English,  and  feel  proud  that  I  participate  in  the 
rights  and  privileges  of  a  British  subject;  but  I  must 
reserve  what  I  have  to  say  on  this  subject  until  we 
meet,  for  if  I  begin  on  this  agreeable  theme,  I  shall 
never  know  when  to  leave  off.  I  have  been  up  the 
Rhine  since  I  saw  you,  and,  notwithstanding  that  I  am 
so  familiar  with,  and  so  attached  to  our  own  magni- 
ficent river,  the  St.  John,  I  should  have  been  enraptur- 
ed with  it,  if  I  had  never  heard  of  it  before ;  but  Byron 
has  bedeviled  it  as  Scott  has  Loch  Katrine.  It  is  im- 
possible to  travel  with  pleasure  or  with  patience  after 
a  Poet.  Their  glasses  magnify,  and  when  you  come 
to  use  your  own  eyes,  you  no  longer  recognize  the 
scene  for  the  same  presented  by  their  magic  lantern. 
Disappointment  constantly  awaits  you  at  every  step — 
you  become  angry  in  consequence,  and  instead  of 
looking  for  beauties,  gratify  your  spleen  by  criticising 
for  the  pleasure  of  finding  fault.  Viewing  it  in  this 
temper,  the  lower  part  of  the  Rhine  is  as  flat  and  level 
as  any  democrat  could  wish,  and  the  upper  part  as 
high,  bold,  and  overbearing  as  any  autocrat  could  de- 
sire. Then  the  ancient  ruins,  the  dilapidated  castles, 
the  picturesque  and  romantic  towers  of  the  olden  time, 
w^hat  are  they?  Thieves'  nests,  like  those  of  the  hawk 
and  vulture,  built  on  inaccessible  crags,  and  about  as 
interesting.  The  vineyards,  about  which  my  imagina- 
tion had  run  riot,  the  luxuriant,  graceful,  and  beautiful 
vine,  the  rich  festoons,  what  are  they?  and  what  do 
they  resemble  ?  Hopgrounds  ?  I  do  injustice  to  the  men 
of  Kent,  they  are  not  half  so  beautiful. — Indian  corn 
fields  of  Virginia?  they  are  incomparably  inferior  to 
them — oh  !  honest  currant  bushes  trained  and  tied  to 
iheir  stakes,  poor,  tame  and  unpoetical. — Then  the 
stillness  of  death  pervades  all.  It  is  one  unceasing, 
never-ending  flow  of  waters — the   same   to-day,   to- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  61 

morrow,  and  for  ever — the  eternal  river:  here  and 
there  a  solitary  steamer  labours  and  groans  with  its 
toil  up  the  rapid  stream.  Occasionally  a  boat  adven- 
tures, at  the  bidding  of  some  impatient  traveller,  to 
cross  it.  But  where  is  the  life  and  animation  of  our 
noble  river ;  the  busy  hum  of  commerce ;  the  varied, 
unceasing,  restless  groups  of  a  hardy  and  enterprising 
population  ?  I  know  not ;  but,  certainly,  not  on  the 
water.  Dilapidated  towers  frown  on  it;  dismantled 
halls  open  upon  it ;  the  spectres  of  lying  legends  haunt 
it ;  and  affrighted  commerce  wings  its  way  to  more 
congenial  streams.  It  made  me  melancholy.  May 
poetry  and  poets  never  damn  our  magnificent  river 
with  their  flattering  strains,  as  they  have  done  this  no- 
ble one,  to  the  inheritance  of  perpetual  disappoint- 
ment. Who  ever  has  sailed  up  the  St.  John's,  without 
expressing  his  delight  at  finding  it  so  much  more  beau- 
tiful than  he  had  anticipated?  and  why'/  because  he 
had  heard  no  exaggerated  account  of  it.  Who  ever 
ascended  the  Rhine  without  an  undisguised  expression 
of  disappointment,  if  he  dared  to  utter  such  treason 
against  the  romance  of  the  world,  or  a  secret  feeling 
of  vexation,  if  he  were  afraid  to  commit  himself — and 
why  ?  because  he  had  heard  too  much  of  it.  And  yet 
the  St.  John  is  not  superior  to  the  Rhine  ;  nay,  as  a 
w^hole,  I  doubt  if  it  is  quite  equal  to  it ;  but  it  gives 
more  satisfaction,  more  pleasure,  for  the  reason  I  here 
assigned.  Scenery  cannot  be  described ;  whoever  at- 
tempts it,  either  falls  short  of  its  merits,  or  exceeds 
them.  Words  cannot  convey  a  distinct  idea  of  it,  any 
more  than  they  can  of  colours  to  the  blind.  Pictures 
might,  if  they  were  faithful ;  but  painters  are  false, 
they  either  caricature  or  flatter.  But  the  poet  is  least 
to  be  trusted  of  all ;  he  lives  in  an  atmosphere  of  fic- 
tion, and  when  he  sketches,  he  has  mountains,  skies 
and  cataracts  at  command,  and  whatever  is  necessary 
to  heighten  the  effect,  is  obedient  to  his  call.  He  con- 
verts all  into  fairy-land.  Now,  don't  mistake  me,  old 
6 


G2  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

boy,  I  am  neither  undervaluing  the  Rhine,  nor  the  poets, 
but  that  river  needs  no  poet.  Good  wine  requires  no 
bush.  Whether  we  shall  ever  have  a  poet,  I  know 
not.  Ship-building,  lumbering,  stock-jobbing,  and  note- 
shaving,  are  not  apt  to  kindle  inspiration ;  but  if  we 
shall  ever  be  so  fortunate,  I  most  fervently  hope  he  will 
spare — the  river — yes,  par  excellence — tke  river. 

As  I  shall  not  be  able  to  proceed  immediately  to 
New  Brunswick,  I  avail  myself  of  a  leisure  moment, 
to  give  you  the  latest  intelligence  respecting  the  dis- 
puted territory,  which  engrosses  but  httle  attention,  just 
now,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  on  the  other  side  of  the  water.  It 
has  given  rise,  however,  to  much  fun,  the  substance  of 
which  is  this : — They  say  that  Governor  Fairfield  has 
passed  all  bounds;  and  that  a  Fairfield  and  a  fight 
have  a  natural  connexion.  Little  interest  is  taken  in 
London,  in  the  matter.  Few  Englishmen  know  the 
difference  between  Madagascar  and  Madawaska ;  and 
our  agent  says,  the  British  minister  sometimes  calls  it 
one  and  sometimes  the  other.  They  don't  know  whe- 
ther Maine  means  the  main  land,  in  distinction  from  an 
island,  or  whether  the  main  question,  in  distinction  from 
minor  questions.  Stephenson  told  them  it  was  a  quiz ; 
and  that  Van  Buren  had  his  Maine  as  well  as  O'Con- 
nell  had  his  tail ;  both  of  them  being  lions,  and  queer 
devils,  and  both  of  them  great  hands  at  roaring.  They, 
certainly,  are  odd  fish,  at  fish  river,  and,  like  macka- 
fel,  jump  like  fools  at  red  cloth.  They  talked  big,  and 
looked  big  at  the  big  lake,  but  that  was  from  making 
too  free  with  biggons  of  liquor.  It  was  natural  they 
should  think,  at  last,  they  were  *big-uns'  themselves. 
It's  no  wonder  they  had  such  difficulty  in  raising  men, 
w^hen  they  w^ere  all  officers ;  and  that  there  was  no 
subordination,  when  they  were  all  in  command.  Hiring 
substitutes  is  a  poor  way  of  a-proxi-mating  to  an  army  ; 
and  marching  in  the  month  of  March,  is  no  fun,  where 
the  snow  is  up  to  the  middle.  A  friend  in  need  is  a 
friend  indeed,  but  not  when  he  i^  in-kneed  in  snow. 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  63 

Such  marching  must  cost  them  many  a  *  bummy  dear ;' 
while  wading  through  creeks  in  winter,  it  is  apt  to  give 
a  crick  in  the  neck ;  and  camping  out  on  the  ice,  to 
terminate  in  a  severe  camp-pain.  Indeed,  the  pa- 
triots of  Maine  must  have  been  joking  when  they  said 
they  intended  to  run  a  Une,  for  every  body  knew  they 
couldn't  stand  to  it.  If  they  were  in  earnest,  all  I  can 
say  is,  that  it  is  the  first  time  a  legislature  ever  seri- 
ously proposed  to  run  their  country.  Too  many  of 
them,  it  is  to  be  feared,  are  used  to  it ;  for  not  a  few 
of  them  have  cut  and  run  thither  from  the  British  pro- 
vinces. Playing  at  soldiers  is  as  losing  an  affair,  as 
playing  at  cards,  especially  when  you  have  nothing 
higher  than  knaves  to  play  with,  and  the  honours  are 
against  you. 

There  has  been  great  laughter  at  the  spoil ;  the  tim- 
ber dealers  seizing  a  cargo  of  deals,  and  a  hundred 
logs,  a  deal  too  large  to  carry.  It  was  in  their  line. 
It  was  characteristic.  It  has  been  called  the  odd  trick 
of  the  Deal  The  General  putting  a  boom  across  the 
Aroustic  river,  has  proved  how  shallow  he  was.  He 
has  been  compared  to  that  long-legged  gentleman,  the 
Bittern,  "  booming  from  his  sedgy  shallow."  It  was 
"  cutting  his  stick  "  wdth  a  vengeance ;  not  marching, 
but  "  stirring  his  stumps."  It  was  "  King  Log  "  driv- 
ing his  ox-team,  like  Coriolanus,  at  the  head  of  the 
main  body  of  the  troops  of  the  state  of  Maine,  and 
whistling  as  he  went,  "  Go  where  glory  waits  thee." 
Marching  with  fifty  pounds  of  pork  on  their  backs,  was 
certainly  going  the  whole  hog,  and  a  ration-al  way  of 
establishing  a  provision-al  government  at  Madawaska. 
It  is  said  the  troops  cut  their  way,  not  through  the 
enemy,  with  swords,  but  through  the  woods,  like  true 
Yankees,  by  "  axeing."  They  first  run  and  cut,  and 
then  cut  and  run.  They  kept  up  a  brisk  fire,  jday  and 
night — not  on  the  borderers,  but  on  the  ice  on  the  bor- 
der ;  and  would  have  had  a  field-day,  no  doubt,  if  there 
had  been  a  field  within  fifty  miles  of  them,  to  have  had 


64  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

it  in ;  but,  alas !  the  only  thing  worth  a  dam  that  they 
saw,  was  a  saw-mill.  To  read  the  general's  speeches, 
you  would  have  supposed  he  was  boiling  with  rage  at 
the  Brunswickers ;  whereas,  he  was  only  thinking  of 
boiling  maple  sugar  by  battalions.  He  was  making  a 
spec — licking  sugar-candy,  and  not  licking  the  enemy. 
Gallant  man !  he  was  but  too  fond  of  the  "  lasses." 
What  right  has  this  patriot  to  complain  of  his  shoot- 
ing-pains, who  would  not  be  at  the  pains  to  shoot.  In 
place  of  raising  800,000  men,  as  he  boasted,  he  raised 
800,000  dollars.  Sume  animos  nee  te  vesano  trade 
dolor!  Instead  of  charging  the  British,  and  breaking 
their  ranks,  it  is  whispered  they  made  a  dreadful 
charge  against  the  state,  and  broke  the  banks.  Fie 
upon  them  !  this  is  the  way  they  serve  their  country; 
but  marching  on  the  ice  is  slippery  work,  and  a  Httle 
backsliding  is  to  be  expected,  even  among  patriots  and 
heroes. — Talking  of  patriots,  puts  me  in  mind  of  Cana- 
da, which,  I  hear,  has  sent  delegates  (or  delicates,  as 
they  are  more  appropriately  called  in  the  fashionable 
world)  to  England,  to  raise  themselves  by  lowering 
others,  as  an  empty  bucket  does  a  full  one  in  a  w^ell. 
Their  bucket  however  proved  to  be  a  leaky  one,  for  by 
the  time  they  got  home,  it  was  found  to  contain  no- 
thing.— It  reminded  me  of  the  Irishman's  empty  barrel 
full  of  feathers. — The  story  of  the  mails  was  one 
grievance,  but  they  found  on  their  arrival  the  postage 
had  been  reduced  one  half  without  asking,  and  fifty 
five  thousand  a  year  granted,  to  convey  their  "  elegant 
epistles"  by  steamers,  via  Halifax.  "  I  give  thee  all  I 
can,  no  more."  Alas !  for  these  knights  errant,  what 
has  become  of  their  coats  of  '  mail' — I  suppose  they 
will  next  ask  to  be  paid  for  letting  the  mails  travel 
through  the  country;  for  the  more  people  bother 
Government,  the  better  they  are  liked  and  the  more 
they  get,  like  crying,  scolding  children,  who  worry 
those  they  can't  persuade.  This  is  reversing  the  order 
of  things,  not  teaching  the  young  idea  how  to  shoot ; 


THE   GREAT    WESTERN.  G5 

but  teaching  the  old  one  how  to  make  ready  and 
present  A  *  Taught'  Government  however  is  a  good 
one,  for  it  encourages  no  "  slack,"  but  *  recede'  and 
*  concede'  is  the  order  of  the  day  now  "  Cedendo  victor 
abibis."  Loosening  the  foundations  is  a  new  way  of 
giving  stability  to  a  Government,  while  reform  means 
destroying  all  form  and  creating  that  happy  state,  that 
is  ^without  form  and  void.' 

Responsible  government  in  a  colony  means  the 
people  being  responsible  to  themselves,  and  not  to 
England;  dutiful  children  who  owe  obedience,  but  un- 
able or  unwilling  to  pay  it,  want  to  take  the  benefit  of 
the  act  and  swear  out.  A  majority  without  property, 
who  want  to  play  at  impeachments  with  their  poHtical 
opponents  and  lynch  them.  It  is  a  repeal  of  the  Union, 
and  justice  to  Canada  requires  it.  It  is  a  government 
responsible  to  demagogues,  who  are  irresponsible. 
What  a  happy  condition  to  live  in !  Ah  my  good 
friend,  you  and  I  who  have  disported  in  the  vasty  sea 
of  the  great  world,  amidst  the  monsters  of  the  briny 
deep,  know  how  to  laugh  at  the  gambols  of  these  Uttle 
tadpoles  of  a  fresh-water  puddle.  I  abhor  ultras  of  all 
parties. — Dum  vitant  stulti  vitia  in  contraria  currunt. 
— Good  specimens,  if  they  could  be  procured,  of  full 
grown  whole-hog  Tories  and  Radicals  from  that  dis- 
tant but  turbulent  colony,  would  be  a  valuable  addi- 
tion to  the  British  museum,  in  its  natural  history  de- 
partment. I  will  describe  them,  that  you  may  make 
no  mistake  in  the  selection.  A  colonial  super-ultra- 
high  Tory  is  of  the  genus  blockhead,  species  ape.  It 
is  psylodactilus  or  long-fingered,  and  the  largest  animal 
of  the  kind  yet  known.  It  has  great  powers  of  imita- 
tion, a  strong  voice  and  the  most  extravagant  conceit. 
It  is  a  timid  creature,  slow  in  its  movements,  and  some- 
what inactive,  and  lives  in  perpetual  alarm  of  ambush. 
It  cannot  see  distinctly  by  day,  and  its  eyes  resemble 
those  of  an  owl.  It  has  two  cutting  teeth  in  front  of 
each  jaw.  The  ears  are  large,  I'ound  and  naked,  and 
6* 


66  THE   LETTER-BAG   OF 

the  coat  is  soft,  silky  and  rich.  Its  proportions  are  not 
good,  and  its  sagacity  greatly  inferior  to  the  European 
species.  It  is  voracious,  and  very  savage  when  feed- 
ing. The  ultra-low  radical  is  of  the  species  rari,  its 
colours  consisting  of  a  patched  distribution  of  black, 
dirty  white,  and  grey,  though  its  real  or  natural  colour 
is  supposed  to  be  black.  It  is  known  to  be  of  a  fierce 
and  almost  untameable  nature.  It  moves  in  large 
droves,  when  it  is  very  mischievous,  exerting  a  voice  so 
loud  and  powerful,  as  to  strike  astonishment  and  terror 
into  those  w^ho  hear  it,  resembling  in  this  respect,  as 
well  as  in  its  habits,  the  radical  and  chartist  of  England. 
It  is  impatient  of  control,  but  exhibits  a  sullen  submis- 
sion under  firm  treatment,  though  upon  the  slightest 
indulgence,  or  relaxation  of  discipline,  it  turns  on  its 
keeper  with  great  fury.  Its  habits  are  predatory,  its 
appetites  unclean  and  ravenous,  and  its  general  appear- 
ance disgusting.  You  may  find  some  of  each  in  New 
Brunswick,  though  perhaps  not  so  full  grown  as  in  that 
land  of  pseudo  patriots  and  sympathisers,  Canada. 
Pray,  send  a  good  specimen  of  both  varieties  to  the 
Trustees,  for  people  in  England  ridicule  the  idea  that 
there  is  room  or  suitable  food  for  either  in  British 
America,  the  climate  and  soil  of  which,  they  maintain, 
is  not  congenial  to  them. 

Alas  !  for  poor  human  nature,  man  is  the  same  on 
both  sides  of  the  Atlantic.  Paradise  was  not  good 
enough  for  some  people ;  but  they  were  served  just  as 
they  ought  to  have  been — they  were  walked  out  of  it* 
The  lumber  duties  will  not  be  altered  this  year,  and  we 
shall  obtain  that  respite  from  the  fears  of  the  specu- 
lative writers  of  the  present  day,  that  their  sense  of 
justice  or  knowledge  of  business  would  fail  to  obtain 
for  us.  Afraid  to  refuse,  yet  unwilling  to  give,  they 
get  credit  neither  for  their  firmness  nor  their  liberality. 
The  unsteady  conduct  of  these  fellows  reminds  me  of 
a  horse  that  is  not  way-wise.  When  he  gets  snubbed 
m  one  gutter,  he  jumps  over  to  the  other,  and  is  never 


THE    GREAT    WESTERX.  67 

in  the  straight  road  at  all ;  and  when  you  give  him  the 
thong,  he  rears  up,  refuses  to  draw,  and  kicks  the  car- 
riage to  pieces ;  resolved,  that  as  he  cannot  take  the 
load  himself,  no  one  else  shall  do  it  for  him.  But  more 
of  this  when  we  meet.  In  the  mean  time,  I  have  the 
pleasure  to  subscribe  myself, 

Yours  truly, 

Oliver  Quaco. 


No.  VIII. 

LETTER 

FROM  AN  ABOLITIONIST  TO  A  MEMBER 
OF  PARLIAMENT. 

My  dear  Sir  — 

Having  brought  the  emancipation  of  our  sable 
coloured  brethren  in  the  West  Indies  to  a  happy  ter- 
mination, I  have  resolved  to  undertake  a  peregrination 
into  the  United  States,  for  a  similar  purpose ;  animated 
to  this  philanthropic  work  by  a  feeling  of  inextinguish- 
able hatred  of  that  remorseless,  antichristian,  and 
damnable  traffic  in  human  life — the  slave  trade.  Their 
day  of  liberty  is  just  about  to  dawn  in  full  splendour. 
When  I  observe  our  friend  Cassius  receive  at  his  levees 
and  balls  in  those  Islands,  the  coloured,  on  an  equal 
footing  with  their  white  brethren,  and  his  amiable  part- 
ner walking  arm-in-arm  with  the  sable  female  (proba- 
bly the  descendant  of  a  long  line  of  African  princes), 
to  the  amazement  and  consternation  of  the  whites,  and 
in  defiance  of  the  odours  which  must  be  admitted  to 
emanate  from  them,  not  only  by  those  w^ho  espouse 
them,  but  by  those  who  espouse  their  cause,  I  bless 
him,  I  congratulate  the  world,  and,  above  all,  I  felici- 


68  tfitE   LETTER-BAG   OP 

tate  the  nobility,  that  the  partition  wall  has  been  broken 
down,  that  colour  and  odour  make  no  distinction,  and 
that  instead  of  a  few  black  legs  (the  utmost  advance 
that  has  hitherto  been  made  in  the  higher  circles),  we 
shall  see  numerous  black  Peers  among  the  new  crea- 
tions. And  who  shall  pronounce  that  they  are  not 
worthy  of  being  the  associates  of  at  least  some  that 
are  to  be  found  there  ?  None,  sir,  none  will  dare  to 
insinuate  it,  but  those  who  are  themselves  unworthy. 
Why  should  they  spurn  those  to  whom  some  of  their 
number  owe  their  own  elevation  ?  Is  it  not  to  the  agi- 
tation of  this  emancipation,  to  the  appeals  to  the  sym- 
pathy and  religious  prejudices,  and  (I  hope  I  am  not 
uncharitable)  to  the  cant  of  the  day,  that  some  people 
are  indebted  for  their  own  station  ?  Why  then  reject 
those  equal  in  rights — equal  in  mental  and  superior  in 
bodily  powers  1 

Jamaica  presents  a  prospect  that  cannot  fail  to  re- 
joice the  heart  of  the  true  philanthropist.  Already 
have  the  exports  of  the  island  fallen  more  than  one 
half,  and  will  shortly  cease  altogether.  Is  not  this  a 
proof  that  these  unfortunate  beings,  the  blacks,  must 
have  been  compelled  to  work  beyond  what  was  neces- 
sary? for  now,  when  left  to  themselves,  there  is  no 
inducement  that  either  ambition  or  avarice  can  dis- 
cover, sufficient  to  make  them  work  at  all.  From 
which  the  inference  is  plain,  that  Providence  never 
intended  they  should  work.  What  an  earthly  elysium 
this  island  will  soon  become,  when,  like  St.  Domingo,  it 
is  left  to  spontaneous  production !  When  nature  will 
supply  their  wants,  and  they  can  roam  at  large  like  birds 
of  the  air,  and  the  animals  of  the  field,  and  the  voice  of 
complaint  shall  be  drowned  in  one  universal  chorus  of 
song!  When  hand  in  hand,  the  natives,  like  our  first 
parents  in  Paradise,  knowing  not  the  artificial  wants  of 
clothes,  shall  have  their  couches  of  rose-leaves,  their 
beverage  of  the  cool  streams,  or  still  cooler  fountain, 
and  gather  their  food  from  the  limbs  of  trees  that  hang 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  69 

over  them,  inviting  and  soliciting  them  to  pluck  and  eat ! 
Can  imagination  picture  any  thing  equal  to  such  a  scene 
of  rural  felicity  as  this  1  Even  the  restraints  of  our 
moral  code  will  be  wanting,  for  morals  are  artificial 
and  conventional.  Where  there  is  no  property  there 
can  be  no  theft,  where  there  is  no  traffic  there  can  be 
no  fraud,  and  where  nature  supplies  freely  and  abun- 
dantly all  wants,  there  will  be  no  restrictive  matri- 
mony, for  marriage  is  a  civil  obligation,  arising  from 
the  necessity  of  providing  for  a  family.  Each  one  will 
follow  the  dictates  of  his  own  inclinations.  Love  will 
have  no  fetters  to  impede  his  gambols,  afl^ection  will 
alone  be  consulted.  The  eye  will  choose,  and  the 
heart  ratify  all  connubial  contracts,  and  when  the  eye 
is  sated,  and  the  heart  cooled,  both  parties  will  sepa- 
rate without  a  sigh,  and  without  a  struggle,  each  one 
free  like  the  birds  of  the  air,  to  spend  a  succeeding 
season  with  a  new  mate,  and  no  murmur  and  no  jeal- 
ousy shall  be  heard.  There  will  be  no  property  in 
the  heart,  no  slavery  in  the  affections,  but  there  will 
be  what  many  nations  boast  of,  but  alas,  what  few  pos- 
sess ;  freedom !  unlimited,  unrestricted,  absolute  free- 
dom !  freedom  of  thought,  freedom  of  action }  What 
a  realization  of  all  our  hopes,  what  a  happy  termina- 
tion of  all  their  wrongs  and  suflferings  !  Succeeding 
ages  will  admire  and  applaud,  and  heaven  will  bless 
these  noble  designs. 

Impressed  with  this  view  of  it — happy  in  being  the 
agent  in  promoting  such  sublunary  felicity,  I  propose 
visiting  the  States,  for  there,  too,  are  exalted  spirits, 
true  patriots,  noble  philanthropists,  who,  unshackled  by 
paltry  considerations  of  property,  w^ould  break  down 
all  distinctions  as  we  have  done,  and  as  the  beam  has 
hitherto  inchned  to  the  whites,  now  give  it  a  counter- 
poise altogether  in  favour  of  the  blacks.  It  is  not  a 
subject  for  equalization,  for  studying  balances,  and  for 
making  nicely  adjusted  scales.  We  must  go  the  whole 
figure,  as  they  express  it.    But,  my  good  friend,  this  is 


70  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

a  dangerous  country.  The  planters  are  a  fierce  and 
impetuous  people,  and  will  not  bear  tampering  with 
as  our  colonists  do.  We  must  unite  the  gentleness  of 
the  dove  with  the  wiliness  of  the  serpent.  I  propose 
commencing  the  Southern  tour  first,  and,  using  West 
India  tactics,  I  shall  mount  the  pulpit.  Without  a  di- 
rect appeal  to  the  passions  of  the  blacks,  I  will  inflame 
their  imagination.  I  will  draw  a  picture  of  their  free- 
dom in  another  world,  that  will  excite  them  in  this.  I 
will  describe  Sin  as  a  task-master ;  I  will  paint  that 
task-master  in  a  way,  that  the  analogy  cannot  be  mis- 
taken for  their  own  masters,  and  in  colours  that  can- 
not fail  to  rouse  their  imaginations  and  passions,  and 
advise  them  to  throw  off  the  yoke  of  the  oppressor; 
in  short,  I  will  keep  within  the  law,  and  effect  that 
which  is  without  the  pale  of  it.  When  I  reach  the 
non-slave-holding  states,  where  my  person  will  be  se- 
cure from  violence,  I  will  speak  openly.  I  will  draw 
ideal  pictures  of  distress  from  the  stores  of  fancy,  and 
talk  in  touching  terms  of  broken  hearts,  unwholesome 
exhalations,  burning  suns,  putrid  food,  unremitting 
toil,  of  remorseless  masters,  unfeehng  mistresses,  and 
licentious  manners.  I  will  then  put  in  practice  the 
happy  and  successful  ruse  I  adopted  in  England.  I 
will  produce  a  prodigious  whip  with  wire  thong,  and 
ponderous  manacles,  and  thumb-screws  of  iron,  fabri- 
cated for  the  occasion,  and  exhibiting  them  to  the  au- 
dience, appeal  at  once  to  their  feelings  as  men  and  as 
christians !  That  I  shall  succeed,  I  make  no  doubt, 
and  I  shall  have  the  pleasure,  occasionally,  of  sending 
to  you  an  account  of  my  doings.  I  have  availed  my- 
self of  your  kind  permission,  to  draw  upon  the  funds 
of  the  society  for  five  hundred  pounds,  to  defray  my 
necessary  expenses  in  this  great  and  holy  work — a 
work  which,  I  must  say,  sanctifies  the  means. 

What  a  glorious  retrospect  is  the  past !  how  full  of 
hope  and  happiness  is  the  prospect  of  the  future !  The 
West  Indies  are  free.     The  East  is  free.     And  Ame- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  71 

rica  is  soon  to  be  liberated,  also.  That  we  were  to  be 
assailed  by  calumny,  to  be  denounced  as  incendiaries, 
and  persecuted  as  felons,  for  our  part  in  this  great 
political  regeneration,  w^as  to  be  expected.  Our  ene- 
mies, and  the  enemies  of  reform,  have  made  a  great 
handle  of  the  murder  of  Lord  Norbury,  which  awk- 
ward affair  has  never  been  placed  in  its  proper  light. 
It  was  a  death,  and  nothing  but  a  death ;  but  what  is 
it  more  than  that  of  any  other  individual  ?  Is  the  life 
of  a  peer  of  more  value  than  that  of  a  peasant?  It  is 
a  life,  a  unit,  not  distinguished  from  any  other  unit,  but 
because  there  is  a  nought  in  its  head.  One  of  the  op- 
pressors is  gone — and  gone  suddenly :  so  have  many 
of  the  oppressed  gone,  likewise ;  and  yet  the  death  of 
this  aristocrat  makes  more  noise  than  them  all.  Rank 
toryism,  this,  which  thinks  of  nothing  but  rank ;  and 
impiously  asserts  there  is  rank  in  heaven — for  there 
are  angels,  and  archangels,  there.  To  be  free,  is  not 
to  be  oppressed ;  to  remove  oppression,  is  an  act  of 
freedom  ;  but  an  act  of  freedom  is  not  murder.  Mur- 
der is  of  malice  aforethought ;  but  where  principle, 
and  not  malice,  removes  a  man,  it  is  not  murder,  but 
the  effect  of  political  difl^erence.  I  do  not  approve  of 
it  in  detail,  for  I  doubt  its  policy  and  efficacy,  so  long 
as  the  power  of  creating  peers  remains  in  the  crown ; 
but  still  this  is  not  a  case  for  pious  horror,  but  rather 
for  regret.  There  is  no  robbery,  no  sordid  motive,  no 
mean,  vulgar  plunder  attending  it.  It  was  the  deliber- 
ate act  of  an  exalted  mind ;  mistaken,  perhaps,  but  of 
high  feeling,  intense  patriotism,  and  of  Roman  virtue. 
It  was  Brutus  preferring  Rome  to  Caesar.  It  was  a 
noble  deed,  but  rather  philosophical,  perhaps,  than  re- 
ligious. Sordid  politicians  cannot  understand  it,  cow- 
ards dread  it,  and  bigots  denounce  it.  Few  of  us, 
perhaps,  are  sufficiently  devoted,  or  enlightened,  pub- 
licly to  applaud — to  say  that  we  sanction  it,  or  would 
achieve  it  ourselves ;  but,  whatever  we  may  think  of 
the  act,  abstractedly,  we  cannot  but  admire  the  firm 


72  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

ness,  the  nobleness,  and  the  elevation  of  the  perpetrator. 
He  was  a  true  patriot.  He  was  right — heaven  will 
reward  him;  if  he  was  in  error,  his  nnotive  will  be 
respected,  and  he  will  be  pitied  and  forgiven.  So,  in 
Canada,  the  burning  out  of  the  vile  conservative  loy- 
alist, is  not  arson,  for  it  is  not  malicious ;  and  the  secret 
removal  of  them  to  another  world,  not  murder,  but 
constitutional  amelioration.  Great  allowance  must  be 
made  for  the  warmth  of  political  excitement.  A  Lount 
may  despatch  those  whom  the  press  denounces.  That 
noble-minded  man,  Brougham,  has  thus  considered  it; 
the  perpetrators  have  been  pardoned  ;  the  jails  have 
been  thrown  open,  and  the  patriots  set  at  large,  to 
commence  anew  their  great  moral  and  political  refor- 
mation. If  this  is  right  in  Canada,  how  can  it  be 
wrong  in  Ireland?  and  if  right  in  Canada  and  Ireland, 
how  can  it  be  wrong  in  the  southern  states  of  America  ? 
The  laws  of  justice  are  uniform  and  universal.  What 
is  Lord  Norbury  more,  than  Chartrand,  or  Lord  Glenelg 
more  than  Shoultz — unit  for  unit — tit  for  tat — a  Row- 
land for  an  Oliver.  Necessity  has  no  law ;  but  even 
in  the  eye  of  the  law,  it  is  said,  all  men  are  equal.  In 
the  eye  of  heaven  we  know  they  are.  The  peer  and 
the  peasant  are  both  equal,  then,  as  far  as  kilHng  goes; 
and  killing,  no  murder,  as  far  as  the  absence  of  per- 
sonal malice  goes.  Under  these  circumstances,  let  us 
persist  in  aiding,  by  all  means,  similar  to  those  resorted 
to  in  Canada,  our  devoted  sable  brethren  of  the  south. 
Should  a  few  of  their  masters  be  removed,  it  is  but 
the  natural  consequence  of  the  system,  and  not  of  the 
reform  ;  and  the  roots,  if  traced,  will  be  found  to  spring 
from  the  foetid  soil  of  slavery,  and  not  from  the  virgin 
mould  of  freedom.  In  burning  off  the  stubble,  who 
evei:  doubted  a  few  ears  of  grain  would  be  consumed, 
or  in  cutting  down  the  weeds,  that  a  few  blades  of  grass 
were  to  be  sacrificed? — none  but  fools  or  idiots. 

In  my  next  I  shall  give  you  a  detail  of  my  proceed- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  '  73 

ings.     At  present  I   have   left   myself  barely  room 
enough  to  subscribe  myself 

Your  much  attached 

and  sincere  friend, 

Joseph  Locke. 


Extract  from  a  Newspaper  published  at  Vixhurg,  under 
date  of  the  22d  May,  1839. 

We  regret  to  state  that  this  city  was  thrown  into 
great  confusion  and  alarm  yesterday,  by  the  discovery 
of  a  plot  for  an  insurrection  of  the  negroes,  the  mur- 
der of  the  whites,  and  the  destruction  of  the  place  by 
fire.  It  was  clearly  traced  to  have  originated  with  a 
fanatical  English  abolitionist,  of  the  name  of  Joseph 
Locke,  who  expiated  on  the  gallows,  in  the  summary 
manner  prescribed  by  "  Judge  Lynch,"  this  atrocious 
offence  against  the  laws  of  God  and  man.  On  his  per- 
son was  found  the  draft  of  a  letter  addressed  by  him 
to  a  member  of  the  British  Parliament  (whose  name 
for  the  present  we  withhold),  not  merely  admitting  the 
part  he  was  about  to  take  in  this  infernal  work,  but  ac- 
tually justifying  murder  and  arson  as  laudable  acts, 
when  resorted  to  in  the  cause  of  reform.  He  had  an 
opportunity  offered  to  him  yesterday  by  our  indignant 
citizens,  of  testing  the  truth  of  his  principles  and  the 
soundness  of  his  reasoning.  It  is  to  be  hoped,  for  his 
own  sake,  his  views  underwent  no  change  in  his  last 
moments. 


74  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 


No.  IX. 

LETTER 

FROM  A  CADET  OF  THE  GREAT  WESTERN 
TO  HIS  MOTHER. 

Dear  Mother  — 

As  I  intend  to  get  out  as  soon  as  we  get  into  New 
York,  and  look  for  a  packet  for  England,  I  write  this 
letter  that  I  may  pack  it  off  to  you  as  soon  as  possible. 
Don't  be  afraid  that  I  am  going  to  spin  a  long  yarn. 
I  shall  merely  send  you  a  few  matters  I  have  entered 
in  my  log,  on  which  I  intend  to  extend  a  protest  against 
the  owners,  captain,  ship,  and  all  persons  concerned. 
Putting  midshipmen  on  board  a  steamer  to  make  sea- 
men of  them,  is  about  on  the  same  ground  tier  with 
sending  marines  to  sea  to  teach  them  to  march.  No- 
body but  them  land  lubbers,  the  Directors,  would  ever 
think  of  such  a  thing;  but  you  shall  judge  for  your- 
self which  way  to  steer  in  this  aflair,  when  you  hear 
what  I  have  to  say  and  see  how  the  breakers  look 
when  laid  down  on  the  chart. 

We  have  had  a  long  voyage  of  twenty-two  days. 
Ever  since  we  tripped  our  anchor  at  Bristol,  my  heels 
have  been  tripped  instead,  and  I  have  learned  pretty 
well  what  a  trip  at  sea  means.  Our  mess  is  forward, 
and  a  pretty  mess  we  have  made  of  it,  not  being  much 
more  forward  ourselves  than  when  we  started.  The 
sea  has  washed  off  all  our  crockery.  Broken  dishes 
float  about  the  floor,  till  the  cabin  looks  like  a  river 
"  Plate."  I  am  nearly  as  bad  off  myself,  for  I  sleep 
so  wet  I  am  all  in  "  Shivers."  Our  breakfast  cups  are 
tea-totally  broke,  though  we  have  seen  no  breakers ; 


THE  GREAT  WESTERNT.  75 

and  our  sugar,  as  the  member  of  parliament  that  used 
to  dine  with  Pa,  said  of  the  house,  is  either  dissolved 
or  pro-*  rogued,'  I  don't  know  which.  Our  decanters 
and  tumblers  are  all  in  pieces  and  tumbled  overboard, 
which  happens  so  often  that  I  suppose  it  is  the  reason 
why  people  call  it  the  glassy  surface  of  the  sea.  My 
head  is  all  covered  with  bumps,  not  to  mention  other 
places,  and  the  older  boys  laugh  when  I  complain,  and 
call  me  a  country  bump-kin,  and  the  doctor  says  they 
are  so  well  developed  that  they  would  be  a  valuable 
study  for  bump-ology. 

My  messmates'  buttons  have  G.  W.  on  them,  which 
means  *  great  wags,'  and  when  they  don't  know  what 
game  to  play,  they  make  game  of  me  and  play  the 
devil.  We  have  black  things  on  board  with  long  legs, 
through  which  we  learn  to  take  the  sun,  called  *  making 
an  observation,'  though  we  are  not  allowed  to  speak. 
This  instrument  they  call  a  *  sexton,'  because  we  have 
to  look  so  grave ;  and  when  the  appointed  time  is  come 
which  comes  alike  to  all,  the  sexton  is  useful,  to  tell  us 
how  long  we  are  from  our  long  homes,  that  we  may 
calculate  the  length  of  our  days,  make  our  crooked 
ways  straight,  and  never  lose  sight  of  the  latter  end 
of  our  voyage.  They  have  a  chip  tied  to  a  string, 
which  they  call  a  log,  and  throw  into  the  water 
to  tell  how  fast  the  vessel  goes :  my  business  is  to  haul 
it  in.  I  begin  at  this  work  as  soon  as  we  leave  Chip- 
stow,  and  I  assure  you  it  chops  my  hands  before  long, 
and  if  I  cry  (as  I  do  sometimes)  with  pain,  the  boat- 
swain threatens  to  slap  *  my  chops'  for  blubbering. 
The  string  has  knots  in  it,  and  every  mile  she  goes  is 
called  a  knot.  The  more  she  does  not  go,  the  faster 
she  goes,  which  would  puzzle  them  that  were  not  used 
to  such  knotty  things. 

Every  old  thing  almost  has  a  new  name  on  board 
of  a  ship.  What  do  you  think  they  call  watches,  and 
how  do  you  suppose  they  are  made  ?  Why,  four  men 
and  an  officer  make  a  watch,  or,  as  they  say,  a  watch 


76  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

with  four  hands.  It  is  a  very  hard  case  for  a  watch 
that  has  to  turn  up  in  the  night.  They  try  every  plan 
in  the  world  to  plague  us :  whenever  it  is  dark  and  1 
can't  see  my  hand  before  me,  I  am  sent  to  the  bow  and 
desired  to  *'  keep  a  sharp  look-out."  The  sea  breaks 
over  me  there  and  wets  me  through,  and  when  I  com- 
plain of  it  the  captain  laughs  and  says  "  you  are  a  dry 
fellow."  The  short  watches  are  called  the  dog  waiches, 
because  the  hands  are  only  "  tarriers"  for  half  the  time 
the  others  are.  They  are  well  named,  for  one  leads 
the  life  of  a  dog  here,  and  w^e  become  growlers,  every 
one  of  us. 

As  for  me,  I  have  charge  of  the  captain's  jolly-boat, 
which  I  am  told  is  quite  an  honour.  My  business  is  to 
set  him  ashore,  and  then  to  set  myself  in  the  stern  for 
two  hours,  whistling  "  by  moonlight  alone,"  till  he 
comes  back.  Very  *  jolly'  work,  this.  He  calls  us  his 
'jolly  tars,'  out  of  fun. 

I  hope,  dear  mother,  if  you  have  any  regards  for 
me,  you  will  take  me  out  of  this  Steamer.  I  look  like 
a  blackguard  and  feel  like  one.  The  captain  calls  me 
a  '  smutty  rascal'  I  don't  like  such  names ;  but  every 
one  is  smutty  and  can't  help  it.  The  shrouds  are 
smutty,  the  ropes  are  smutty,  and  the  sails  are  smutty, 
and,  to  have  things  of  a  piece,  they  have  a  parcel  of 
smutty  mulatto  girls  on  board.  I  wipe  more  smut  on 
my  face  with  a  towel,  than  I  wash  off  with  the  water; 
and  smut  my  shirt  more  in  putting  it  on,  than  in  wear- 
ing it.  You  will  hardly  believe  it,  but  my  very  talk  is 
smutty.  I  look  like  a  chimney-sweep,  for  though  I  do 
not  sweep  flues,  as  he  does,  the  flues  sweep  me,  and 
both  of  us  go  to  pot.  I  am  so  covered  with  soot,  I  am 
afraid  of  a  spark  setting  me  a-fire,  and  then  I  should 
be  a  "  suttee." 

The  steam  ruins  every  thing  in  the  ship.  Our  store- 
room and  berths  are  back  of  the  boiler,  and  are  so  hot, 
our  candles,  that  used  sometimes  to  walk  off,  now  run 
before  they  are  lit ;   our  butter  undertakes  to  spread, 


THE   GREAT    WESTERN.  77 

itself;  my  boots  are  dissolved  into  jelly — but  it  is  boot- 
less to  complain.  The  knives  and  forks  which  used  to 
assist  us  in  eating,  are  now  eat  up,  themselves,  w4th 
rust.  Not  a  single  bit  of  our  double  Gloucester  is  left, 
but  has  made  its  *  whey '  with  itself.  Our  tea  leaves 
us ;  it  has  distilled  away,  and  the  leaves  are  all  that  is 
left.  The  stewardess  laments  her  lost  *  bo — he.'  Keep- 
ing our  eggs  under  hatches,  has  hatched  our  eggs  ;  and 
we  have  had  to  shell-out  our  cash  for  nothing  but  shells. 
My  new  coat,  a  moving  *  tale/  reveals — even  guilt, 
that  was  so  glaring,  is  now  *  guiltless,*  and  its  '  mould ' 
buttons  are,  themselves,  covered  with  *  mould.'  The 
cape  has  become  a  *  Cape  de  Verde ;'  every  one  com- 
plains of  my  *  choler ;'  and  the  sleeve  is  no  longer  a 
laughing  matter.  My  hat  has  *  felt '  the  change,  and, 
as  w^ell  as  myself,  would  be  none  the  worse  of  a  longer 
'nap;'  while  my  gloves  are  so  shrunk,  they  have 
ceased  to  be  *  handy.'  I  have  not  been  mortified  by 
having  '  my  feet  in  the  stocks,*  but  my  shoes  are  so 
bad,  1  am  often  in  my  stock-in-feet — I  am,  *  upon  my 
sole,'  and  there  is  no  help  for  it.  The  clerk  gives  us 
lessons  that  he  calls  lectures,  so  that  all  the  spare  time 
we  have  from  working  the  ship,  is  spent  in  working 
*  more,'  which  works  us  up,  so,  we  have  become  '  spare' 
ourselves.  To  give  three  hundred  pounds  for  the  pri- 
vilege of  w^orking  like  fun  for  nothing,  for  the  Great 
Westerns,  for  three  years,  was  about  as  good  a  joke, 
dear  ma,  as  was  ever  passed  olF  upon  an  afTecUon- 
ate  mother.  Whoever  put  that  into  your  head,  put 
you  into  his  pocket ;  for,  after  all,  it  is  only  a  kit- 
chen on  a  large  scale,  with  steam-cooking  apparatus 
of  great  dimensions.  A  man  can  never  rise,  whose 
work  is  all  below ;  and  he  who  succeeds,  and  gets  at 
the  top  of  the  pot,  makes  but  a  pretty  kettle  of  fish  of 
it,  at  last.  No,  dear  mother,  remove  me,  I  beseech 
you,  for  I  am  tired  of  these  trips,  these  parties  of  plea- 
sure, these  Western  tours.  I  shall  want  a  new  out-fit 
when  I  return — an  entire  new  kit,  and  a  complete  set 
7* 


78  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

of  traps.  My  old  ones,  if  wrung-out,  will  give  *  creo- 
sote' enough  to  buy  new  ones.  The  ship  joggles  so,  I 
can't  write  straight ;  and  I  have  got  so  used  to  the 
trembles,  that  my  hand  shakes  like  palsy — there  aint  a 
steady  hand  on  board. 

They  say  a  rolling  stone  gathers  no  moss ;  how  that 
is,  I  don't  know,  as  I  never  saw  one  that  kept  rolling 
about ;  but  I  know  that  a  rolling  limb  loses  a  great  deal 
of  skin.  My  sea  chest  is  growing  fast  into  a  hair  trunk. 
It  is  already  covered  with  the  skin  of  my  shins,  and, 
in  this  hot,  greasy  place,  the  hair  will,  doubtless,  soon 
begin  to  grow  upon  it.  We  have  "  fresh  rolls  "  every 
minute ;  and  a  man  may  w^ell  be  said  to  urn  his  wages, 
who  does  nothing  but  boil  water  all  day. 

The  sun  has  tanned  all  my  skin,  and  the  steamed 
oak  has  tanned  all  my  clothes ;  the  consequence  is,  my 
linen  is  all  leather,  and  I  am  become  a  shining  charac- 
ter and  a  polished  gentleman.  I  am  a  nigger ;  *  man- 
cipate '  me,  dear  ma,  for  you  know  not  what  I  suffer. 
All  the  water  is  so  hot,  it  scalds ;  all  the  iron  so  heated, 
it  burns ;  while  the  whole  ship  hisses  at  you.  The  tar 
bubbles  up  through  the  seams,  and  your  feet  stick  fast 
to  the  planks ;  and  when  you  complain,  they  tell  you, 
you  are  an  upright  man,  steadfast  and  immoveable; 
but,  being  "  decked  up,'  is  not  so  pleasant  as  you'd 
think.  I  'd  a  thousand  times  rather  be  *  tricked  out,' 
which  I  intend  to  be,  when  I  return.  I  have  no  ob- 
jection to  stick  to  my  profession,  but  I  don't  wish  to 
stick  in  it ;  and  its  no  use  to  talk  of  promotion  to  a  man 
who  can't  get  a  step. 

Though  I  often  get  a  wigging,  I  can  no  longer  comb 
my  hair,  for  it  has  become  a  pitch  plaster,  and  my 
head  looks  like  a  swab  of  oakum  dipped  in  tar.  It  is 
humbling  to  think  I  should  be  so  disgraced,  as  to  make 
it  my  whole  study  how  to  *  pick  a  lock.'  Ward  off 
this  disgrace,  dear  ma,  for  you  can't  judge  of  officers 
afloat,  from  what  you  see  of  them  ashore.  They  put 
on  sea-manners  with  sea-clothes ;  and  instead  of  look- 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  79 

ing  as  bright  as  King  of  Hearts,  as  they  do  in  harbour, 
they  look  as  black  as  the  Ace  of  Spades  at  sea.  When 
I  first  canne  alongside  to  look  at  the  ship,  they  steered 
for  the  cabin,  hailed  the  steward,  and  hove-to  abreast 
of  the  table,  where  they  broached  the  locker,  and 
boused-out  champaigne  and  hock,  which  they  over- 
hauled in  great  style,  and  stowed-away  with  a  ration 
of  cake  and  negus.  It  was  all  as  quiet  as  a  calm,  and 
no  cats-paw  a  moving  on  the  water.  The  last  thing  a 
man  would  dream  of  in  such  weather  w'as  a  squall 
ahead.  But  when  I  came  on  board  with  my  traps, 
and  was  regularly  entered  in  the  ship's  books,  and  we 
fairly  got  under  way,  it  was  no  longer  *  what  cheer, 
messmate?  but  lufjing-up,  and  hailing  in  a  voice  of 
thunder,  "I  say,  youngster,  what  the  devil  are  you 
doing  there  ?  you  land-lubber  rascal  you  ;  if  you  don't 
go  forward  and  attend  to  your  duty,  sir,  I  'm  damned 
if  I  don't  give  you  a  taste  of  the  rope's  end."  So, 
dear  mother,  as  soon  as  we  heave  in  sight  of  England, 
hang  out  a  signal  for  a  boat-ashore,  and  just  as  we 
round-to  at  the  dock,  take  your  departure  for  home, 
and  let  me  pull  in  your  wake  after  you,  that's  a  dear, 
good  mother,  is  the  constant  prayer  of 

Your  dutiful  son, 

ViLLIERS  ScROGGINS. 


80  THE   LETTER-BAG   OF 

No.  X. 

LETTER 

PROM  A  LAWYER'S  CLERK. 

Dear  Saunders — 

Notwithstanding  father's  having  issued  his  *ne 
exeat  regno  '  when  I  applied  for  '  leave  to  move  '  here, 
I  am  safe  and  sound  *'  within  the  limits  "  of  the  Great 
Western,  and  bound  "  beyond  sea."  I  assure  you, 
this  ship  is  no  "  clausum "  frigid,  but  as  regular  a 
"  fiery  facias  "  as  you  would  desire  to  see,  a  perfect 
hot-hell,  as  the  Scotch  call  it,  or,  as  they  might,  with 
more  propriety  say,  "  an  auld  reeky ;"  but  what  we 
of  the  temple,  call  an  immense  "flotsam."  As  our 
policy  is  to  go  straight,  and  not  "  extra  viam,"  there  is 
little  fear  of  a  "  deviation,"  and  so  I  presume  we  shall 
have  a  short,  as  w^ell  as  a  pleasant  voyage.  The  "  bar  I 
try  "  of  the  steward,  being  covered  by  the  "  Premium," 
I  will  probably  endeavour  to  illustrate  the  meaning  of 
that  term  ere  long;  at  present,  whatever  I  eat,  is 
*  served  '  with  an  immediate  '  ejectment,'  and  although 
I  am  constantly  in  the  act  of  drinking,  and  desirous  of 
'  taking  the  benefit  of  the  act,'  yet  I  do  not  find  it,  as  I 
fondly  hoped  and  expected,  *  an  act  for  quieting  pos- 
session ;'  and  I  must  say,  that  in  my  present  situation,  I 
much  prefer  a  *  retainer'  to  a  '  refresher.'  How  often, 
dear  Saunders,  have  I  been  tempted  in  days  by  gone, 
to  throw  "  Coke  "  into  the  fire  !  and  I  assure  you,  it  is 
quite  delightful  to  see  with  how  little  ceremony  they 
do  it  here.  If  the  great  text-writer  were  on  board 
with  his  bulky  commentator,  he  would  dislike  ^  Coke 
upon  Littleton  '  as  much  as  others  do,  and  stand  quite 
as  good  a  chance  of  being  floored,  as  his  juniors.     Al- 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  81 

though  we  have  no  'jury  box,'  we  have  a  *  jury-mast,' 
and  yet  there  is,  I  regret  to  say,  no  exemption  from 
being  often  " empannelled,"  as  numerous  '  indentures' 
in  my  sides  and  '  postea,'  bear  painful  testimony.  You 
take  your  place  here  opposite  your  berths,  but  as  the 
'  benchers '  have  dropped  off  fast,  there  is  rapid  pro- 
motion towards  the  head  of  the  saloon.  As  I  was 
late,  1  am  low  down  on  the  list,  for  they  '  forestalled ' 
all  the  good  places,  by  '  entering  an  appearance  first,' 
and  there  is  no  changing  the  *  venue '  allowed  here 
without  consent,  or,  in  case  of  *  non-residence.'  This 
'  rule  is  peremptory,'  and,  like  poverty,  brings  you  ac- 
quaintance with  strange  company.  There  are  many 
things  I  shall  enter  i-nto  my  '  demurrer  book,'  relative 
to  the  accommodation  on  board  of  this  ship  so,  that  if 
I  ever  have  a  '  venire  de  novo '  on  board  of  her,  I  may 
be  more  comfortable.  One  of  the  first  would  be,  to 
move  a  "  repeal  of  the  black  act,"  for  I  protest  against 
African  servants,  as  strongly  as  a  quaker  does  against 
slaves.  They  are  excessively  disagreeable,  and  I  shall 
serve  Captain  Claxton  with  a  *  notice  of  enquiry '  on 
this  subject,  and  he  may  '  move  to  amend,'  if  he  thinks 
proper.  As  things  now  stand,  it  is  perfectly  absurd 
for  him  to  make  declarations  *  de  bene  esse,'  and  to 
state  to  the  public,  that  the  committee  are  disposed  to 
go  *  any  extent  in  aid '  of  the  passengers,  when  he 
suffers  the  cabin  to  be  perfumed,  and  the  company 
poisoned  by  these  oily,  itchi-nous  negroes.  He  ought 
to  be  given  to  understand,  and  indeed,  made  *  scire  fa- 
cias,' that  as  we  pay  in  *  a  large  sum  of  money,'  there 
is  *  no  justification'  that  can  be  pleaded,  or  any  *  ex- 
honoretur  entered '  for  any  act  of  the  steward  or  his 
partners ;  in  short,  for  nothing  that  happens  on  board, 
*  except  under  the  Lord's  act.' 

Another  objection  that  I  shall  take,  is  the  facility, 
with  which  people  in  the  adjoining  cabins  and  *  vicin- 
age'have  *  oyer'  of  all  you  say,  and  by  '  suggesting 
breaches'  in  the  partition,  may  *  inspect'  your  *  proceed- 


82  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

ings'  a  *  recognoisance'  that  is  not  very  pleasant,  espe- 
cially as  the  object  of  all  privacy  is  to  avoid  having 
*'  nul  tiel  record"  of  your  sayings  and  doings. — Al- 
though no  man  is  more  reluctant,  than  I  am  to  take 
exceptions,  especially  while  "  in  transitu"  or  more  dis- 
posed to  take  things  as  I  find  them,  yet  iR  justice  to 
myself,  I  must  have  *'  a  certiorari  to  remove  such 
causes"  of  complaint,  as  a  *  teste'  of  my  being  in 
earnest  to  prevent  imposition.  *  If  the  question  can  be 
put  at  all,'  I  should  like  to  ask,  and  I  think  I  have  *  a 
right  to  put  it,'  why  the  bread  is  so  badly  baked  1 
When  I  complained  of  it  to  the  steward,  he  had  the 
insolence  to  reply  that  it  was  made  soft  intentionally 
for  the  use  of  the  young  "  John  Does"  on  board,  but 
that  he  "  would  strike  me  off  the  rolls"  if  I  did  not  like 
them,  and  in  case  I  preferred,  what  he  understood,  few 
lawyers  did,  *  a  consolidated  action,'  my  '  daily  allow- 
ance of  bread'  should  be  toasted.  It  is  natural  I  should 
feel  crusty  at  such  impertinence  and  wish  *  a  stay  of 
proceedings'  of  this  nature.  Indeed  I  have  grown  so 
thin  I  feel  entitled  to  bring  an  action  on  the  case 
against  the  captain.  I  shall  have  a  *  devastavit'  against 
the  steward,  for  the  wine  is  flat,  stale,  and  unprofitable, 
in  consequence  of  the  insufficiency  of  the  "  estopples" 
which  are  most  inartificially  drawn,  and  '  absque  tali 
causa'  would  be  better  with  the  '  clerk  of  the  pipes.' 

There  are  several  ladies  on  board  *  feme  seule'  and 
'feme  couverte,'  but  as  I  have  no  intention  to  be 
"  ungues  accouple"  for  at  least  "  infra  sex  annos,"  my 
master  will  have  no  occasion  to  be  alarmed  at  it  as  an 
act  "  per  quod  servitium  amisit."  They  are  however 
a  very  agreeable  "  set  off'"  of  a  <  dies  non'  on  shipboard 
to  the  "prolixity"  of  our  "procedings."  My  "prochien 
ami"  is  a  girl  of  eighteen  years  of  age,  beautiful  as 
a  houri ;  but  alas !  she  has  not  only  "  nulla  bona"  of 
which  I  could  have  an  immediate  "  habere  facias  pos- 
sessionem," but  unforti^ately  "  nil  habet  in  tenemen- 
tes,"  or  I  do  not  know  that  I  would  not  perpetrate 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  83 

marriage  with  her  *  nunc  protunc/  but  really  I  have 
no  idea  of  committing  an  unprofessional  and  I  may  add 
ungentlemanlike  "  misjoinder"  with  poverty.  If  I  can- 
not live  in  proper  style  when  married,  and  as  becomes 
a  person  of  my  station  in  life,  I  prefer  not  having  "  an 
attachment"  at  all,  which  in  such  case  would  be  liter- 
ally as  well  as  figuratively  "a  criminal  proceeding." — 
Matrimony  is  a  great  "  limitation  of  action  ;"  it  is  very 
apt  to  involve  a  man  in  that  most  disagreeable  and  dis- 
reputable affair  "a  distress  for  rent,"  and  what  perhaps 
is  more  fatal  to  his  success  in  life,  to  being  frequently 
"  overruled"  and  having  his  "judgment  reversed"  with- 
out even  the  usual  formalities  of  having  "cause  shown" 
— but  if  I  could  find  a  girl  (and  I  say  this  in  the  strictest 
confidence  of  professional  secresy,)  who  had  never 
*  given  a  cognovit'  to  any  other  practitioner,  and  who 
could  convince  me  that  "  nil  debit"  that  she  had  in  her 
own  and  not  in  "  auter  droit"  a  sufficiency  of  "  assets" 
and  a  respectable  sum  of  money  in  hand  arising  from 
some  good  and  valid  "  last  icill  and  testament"  in  ad- 
dition to  the  "  estate  in  tail,"  why  then,  my  dear  fel- 
low, let  "  me  confess"  at  once  that  if  this  were  the 
case,  and  "  site  fecit  securum"  I  should  make  no  objec- 
tion to  a  "  procedendo,"  and  bringing  the  suit  to  "  issue" 
at  once  without  waiting  for  leave  of  "  principals." — 
It  is  a  way  of  getting  into  "  the  stocks"  at  once  legal 
and  honourable,  and  of  all  money — I  know  of  none  so 
easy  to  be  obtained,  or  so  pleasant  to  spend  as  matri- 
"  money."  The  *  usual  costs'  arising  from  marriage 
"  mensa  et  thoro"  are  not  easy  to  be  conceived,  and 
although  I  have  reason  to  fear  I  shall  begin  life,  I  have 
no  wish  to  terminate  it  "  in  forma  pauperis ;"  for  you 
must  admit  there  is  a  wide  difference  between  having 
"  bills  taxed"  (a  species  of  amusement  to  which  you 
never  "except")  and  being  'taxed  with  bills.'  At 
present  therefore  I  am  not  disposed  to  give  my  fair 
one  a  "  notice  of  trial,"  but  rather  to  insist  on  "  a  non 
pros." 


84  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

Talking  of  pleading,  puts  nae  in  mind  of  *  an  issue' 
joined  with  a  shark  which  w^e  "  capiased"  to-day.  In 
the  first  attempt,  he  made  "  an  escape,"  but  was  *  re- 
taken' on  a  '  new  trial'  He  is  one  of  that  species  that 
sailors  call  "  honest  lawyers."  He  was  dreadfully  con- 
vulsed (though  not  with  laughter)  and  struggled  to 
"  rescue"  himself  for  a  long  time,  nor  ceased  till  he 
died ;  but  "  actio  personalis  moritur  cum  persona." 

It  is  my  intention  to  visit  Massachusetts  (d.  massa- 
choose-it)  and  Connecticut  (d.  connexion-I-cut),  and 
when  there,  to  study  their  laws  and  jurisprudence,  for 
"  non  sum  infer matus"  on  this  subject ;  and  I  trust  my 
father  will  approve  of  my  not  losing  sight  of  my  vo- 
cation while  thus  employing  my  *  vacation.' 

When  I  obtain  answers  to  all  my  interrogatories 
"  concerning  these  matters,  I  will  put  you  into  posses- 
sion" of  them.  In  the  mean  time,  "  arrest  your  judg- 
ment." The  only  point  not  necessary  to  "reserve,"  is 
the  truth  with  which 

I  am,  dear  Saunders, 

Yours  always, 

Richard  Roe. 


No.  XL 

LETTER 

FROM  A  TRAVELLER  BEFORE  HE  HAD 
TRAVELLED. 

My  dear  Mac  — 

My  Publisher  has  had  the  assurance  to  make  an 
excuse  of  my  never  having  been  in  America,  to  offer 
me  only  half  price  for  my  travels,  and  I  have  therefore 
concluded  to  make  a  flying  visit  to  that  country,  so  as 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN-.  85 

"  to  give  a  face"  lo  them.  It  was  in  vain  that  I  pro- 
tested that  people  who  had  never  seen  the  Colonies, 
made  capital  speeches,  wrote  elegant  dispatches,  and 
framed  Constitutions  for  them  ;  that  one  man  who  had 
only  seen  Canada  from  a  steam-boat  and  the  Castle 
windows,  described  Nova  Scotia  and  the  United  States, 
neither  of  which  he  had  ever  been  in,  and  drew  a  mi- 
nute comparison  of  their  general  appearance  and  the 
habits  and  feelings  of  the  people ;  that  another  was 
seized  in  bed  in  Romney  Marsh,  and  sent  out  to  North 
America  as  a  Governor;  and  in  short,  that  personal 
knowledge  and  practical  experience  w^ere  apt  only  to 
engender  prejudice  and  cloud  the  understanding.  He 
admitted  it  all,  but  said  he  wanted  to  have  "  incidents 
of  travel,"  striking  sketches  and  living  caricatures,  to 
make  the  work  take,  to  give  it  effect ;  in  short,  some- 
thing new,  something  that  would  cover  untrodden 
ground. 

I  am  therefore  off  in  the  Great  Western,  and  I  hope 
to  scour  the  country  in  eight  weeks,  by  starting  at 
once,  after  my  arrival,  for  the  extreme  points.  I  shall 
in  a  few  days  reach  the  prairies  by  means  of  rail-roads 
and  canals,  from  whence  I  will  dash  in  among  the 
Pawnees,  and  kill  a  buffalo,  and  from  the  hunters  I  will 
get  all  I  want  to  fill  up  the  detail.  I  will  then  visit  the 
scenes  of  recent  disturbance  in  Canada,  and  obtain  an 
interview  with  some  of  the  rebel  leaders,  and  by  thus 
dwelling  on  opposite  points,  give  a  magnificent  idea  of 
the  extent  of  ground  I  have  gone  over.  I  have  had 
the  book  all  ready  written  for  some  months  past,  at 
least  all  the  laborious  parts  of  it,  and  have  nothing  to 
fill  in  but  the  jests  and  the  anecdotes.  I  have  avoided 
the  rambling  mode  adopted  by  Hall,  Hamilton,  and 
Marryat,  and  have  given  it  an  elaborate  scientific  and 
analytical  division,  as  follows:  1st  Book  embraces  the 
geographical  position  and  natural  resources,  area  and 
population.  2d.  Political  statistics,  including  govern- 
ment, revenue  and  expenditure,  civil,  military  and  na- 
8 


86  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

val  affairs.  8d.  Moral  statistics,  (that  is  a  title  will 
please  the  rads.  vastly")  including  religion  and  educa- 
tion. 4th.  Medical  statistics,  including  comparative 
mortality,  &c.  5th.  Economical  statistics,  including 
agriculture,  manufactures,  navigation,  trade,  &c.  All 
this  is  done,  and  is,  in  my  opinion,  devilish  v^ell  done, 
for  a  man  who  knows  nothing  about  it,  but  the  United 
States  almanacks,  road  manuals,  newspapers  and  guide 
books,  have  furnished  abundant,  and,  I  am  inclined  to 
think,  authentic  information. 

It  is  but  to  hash  up  the  cold  collations  of  my  prede- 
cessors. The  deductions  and  theories  from  these  facts, 
I  feel  I  can  draw  as  well  in  London  as  in  America. 
In  this  the  publishers  agree,  but  they  say  they  want 
life ;  '*  verisimilitude,"  is  their  word,  and  "  striking 
incidents."  The  politics  are  on  the  safe  side — ultra- 
radicals. I  have  applied  a  sledge-hammer  to  the 
church  in  the  colonies ;  blown  up  the  rectories,  and 
clergy  reserves,  sky-high ;  gone  the  whole  figure  for 
responsible  governments;  (though  between  you  and 
me,  and  the  post,  I  can't,  for  the  soul  of  me,  under- 
stand the  difference  between  that,  in  the  sense  demand- 
ed, and  independence,)  for  ballot,  universal  suffrage, 
and  short  parliaments ;  and  illustrated  these  things  by 
their  practical  working  in  the  new  states  of  America. 
As  respects  the  house  of  Lords,  that  is  a  delicate  sub- 
ject. My  friend  ....  fell  foul  of  it,  and  charged  it 
with  legislating  in  ignorance  and  inattention.  This 
course  may  do  for  him,  but,  for  obvious  reasons,  I 
think  it  imprudent  in  me.  His  section  is  the  most  aris- 
tocratic of  the  parties  at  present,  and  I  doubt  if  it 
would  serve  my  turn  to  follow  him.  The  church  is  a 
different  thing.  That  is  fair  game ;  and  I  am,  in  this 
liberal  age,  backed  by  high  authority,  for  giving  it  no 
quarter.  Besides,  it  is  not  a  "  church  miHtant."  I  have 
gone  beyond  Brougham  in  this,  who  swears  it  was  the 
church  which  was  the  cause  of  the  rebellion  in  Canada. 
As  respects  the  state  of  slavery  in  the  States,  I  have 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  87 

gathered  anecdotes  on  board,  from  some  travellers, 
that  are  capital,  especially  of  Jefferson  selling  his  own 
children — flogging  others,  and  playing  the  very  devil ; 
of  a  descendant  of  Washington  being  a  slave  and  set 
up  at  auction  ;  and  of  a  white  wife  being  compelled  to 
wait  upon  the  black  mistress  of  her  husband,  and  so 
on.  Talking  of  slaves,  reminds  me  of  the  Barbadoes 
Globe  of  the  15th  August,  which  I  send  you.  Read 
the  sermon  of  an  abolition  captain  Somebody.  It  is 
capital.  I  wish  it  served  our  views  to  insert  it :  if  it 
did,  I  would  do  so,  for  it  would  make  an  excellent  ar- 
ticle, particularly  where  he  points  to  one  of  their  mas- 
ters, and  tells  the  negroes  they  must  not  kill  him — must 
not  hate  him  for  his  cruelties,  and  so  on ;  like  the  old 
story  of  not  ducking  the  pick-pocket.  It  is  magnificent ! 
That  fellow  ought  to  head  a  commission — the  quakers 
should  put  him  into  parliament. 

Of  lynching,  I  have  got  some  choice  stories ;  and 
will  endeavour  to  pass  through  the  state  where  they 
took  place,  to  give  them  from  the  spot.  Of  the  bowie- 
knife — Arkansaw  tooth-pick,  and  other  stillettoes,  in 
use  among  the  settlers  on  the  Indian  borders,  I  im- 
ported a  specimen  when  I  began  the  work,  and  had 
drawings  made  in  London.  On  waste  lands  in  the  co- 
lonies, some  people  we  wot  of,  have  made  capital 
speeches,  I  understand,  as  I  have  written  my  book 
from  official  returns,  and  fancy.  I  hear  they  are  right 
in  part,  and  in  part  wrong ;  the  right  part,  every  body 
knew — the  wrong,  no  body  ever  heard  of  before.  I 
will  "discuss  most  learnedly"  on  this  matter.  I  can 
boast,  now,  that  I  am  an  eye-witness.  Ego  te  intus  et 
in  cute  novi ;  which  is  more  than  either  of  them  can 
say,  at  any  rate.  I  have  made  out  the  following  list 
of  subjects  for  anecdotes,  which,  like  a  cork  jacket, 
will  make  the  body  of  the  book  float  lightly.  The  ap- 
petite of  the  public  is  like  that  of  the  boa-constrictor, 
it  is  not  satisfied  with  less  than  the  whole  hog. 
Lynching — spitting — gouging — steam-boats  blown  up 


88  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

— slavery — sales  and  breeding  of  slaves — licentious 
manners  of  the  South — slang  expressions  of  the  East 
and  West — border  doings  in  Canada — Clay — President 
— Webster — ignorance  of  the  fine  arts — bank  frauds — 
land  frauds — stabbing  with  knives — dinner  toasts — 
flogging  in  the  United  States  navy — voluntary  system 
— advantage  of  excluding  clergymen  from  schools,  in- 
stance, Girard's  College,  &c. — cruelty  to  Indians — ra- 
venous eating — vulgar  familiarity — boarding  houses — 
list  of  names  of  drink — watering  places — legislative 
anomalies,  and  tricks  of  log-rolling  bills — anecdotes  of 
Papineau — Sir  John  Colborne  and  Lord  Durham — and 
some  few  of  woman,  perhaps,  the  most  attractive  of 
all.  These  I  can  gather  from  travellers,  and  from  par- 
ty-men, who,  in  all  countries,  never  spare  their  oppo- 
nents; and  from  country  journals,  and  the  speeches  of 
mob  orators.  It  will  spice  the  work,  afford  passages 
for  new^spaper  puffs  and  paragraphs,  and  season  the 
whole  dish. 

All  this  can  be  accomyoHshed  in  eight  weeks,  easily. 
The  Americans  live  in  steam-boats,  rail-cars,  stage- 
coaches, and  hotels,  so  that  I  shall  see  them  at  home 
while  travelling,  and  of  their  domestic  manners,  ask 
freely  of  any  one  I  meet.  It  is  not  necessary  to  give 
dates ;  no  one  will  know  when  I  arrived,  when  I  de- 
parted, or  how  long  I  was  in  the  country.  Dates  are 
awkward  boys,  they  are  constantly  getting  between 
your  legs  and  throwing  you' down.  I  will  give  the 
whole  a  dash  of  the  democracy  of  the  new  school,  be- 
ing both  anti-church  and  anti-tory,  in  my  opinion.  I 
will  talk  of  general  progression — of  reform  measures — 
of  the  folly  of  finality,  and  so  on.  It  will  take,  my  dear 
boy — it  will  do. — I  shall  go  down  as  well  as  any  ultra- 
Liberal  of  the  day.  I  think  1  see  the  notices  of  it  al- 
ready : — 

This  is  a  great  work. — Sun, 

This  work  is  eminently  entitled  to  public  favour. — 
Weekly  Dispatch, 


THE  GREAT  WESTERIV.  89 

This  is  at  once  a  profound  and  entertaining  work. 
We  never  observed  any  thing  before  so  remarkably 
beautiful  as  the  illustrations.  The  views  are  distin- 
guished for  picturesque  effect  and  importance  of  sub- 
ject. The  drawings  are  accurate  and  exquisite. — 
The  Town, 

It  has  been  said,  that  Hogarth's  pictures  are  read, 
and  the  same  may  be  said  of  the  prints  in  the  volume 
before  us. — Examiner, 

Of  Mr.  Grant's  w^ork,  it  is  impossible  to  speak  in  terms 
of  sufficient  approbation.  The  enlarged  views,  varied 
and  accurate  information  on  all  topics  of  general  inter- 
est, and  the  Hberal  and  enlightened  tone  of  thinking, 
that  pervades  this  book,  justly  entitle  him  to  rank 
among  the  most  profound  thinkers,  and  successful 
writers,  of  the  present  day.  We  cordially  congratu- 
late him  on  his  eminent  success,  and  the  public  on  so 
valuable  an  addition  to  its  literature.  More  we  can- 
not say. — Satirist. 

This  is  decidedly  the  best  book  ever  written  on 
America. — Sunday  Times, 

This  work  is  entitled  to  a  place  by  the  side  of  Lord 
Durham's  masterly  report:  higher  praise  it  is  impossi- 
ble to  accord. — Morning  Chronicle, 

Then  follow  "  The  Beauties  of  Grant," — how  well 
it  sounds!  Think  of  that,  master  Mac.  That—that— 
is  fame.  If  you  could  get  me  made  a  member  of  some 
of  the  London  Societies,  during  my  absence,  it  would 
be  of  great  service  to  me.  An  F.  R.  S.,  or  M.  L.  S., 
or  M.  G.  S.  after  one's  name  on  the  title-page,  looks 
well,  and  what  you  say  then,  comes  ex  cathedra  as  it 
v/ere.  You  speak  as  a  man  having  authority,  you 
are  a  "  most  potent,  grave,  and  reverend  signior,"  and 
entitled  to  be  heard  among  men.  I  would  not  mind 
the  expense  of  the  thing,  could  it  be  managed,  for  the 
sake  of  the  eclat  it  would  give  me  and  my  work,  and 
for  the  pleasure  too  of  letting  all  the  world  know  the 
fact,  as  my  volume,  I  hope,  cannot  fail  to  do. 
8* 


90  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

Murray's  book  is  dedicated  to  the  Queen  by  special 
permission,  and  that  alone  is  a  feather  in  the  author's 
cap.  A  book  that  is  inscribed  in  this  formal  manner, 
is  supposed  to  be  read,  at  least,  by  its  patron.  Now, 
although  I  have  no  pretensions  to  this  honour,  my 
views  ought  to  make  my  book  a  favourite  with  the 
parties  whose  cause  I  so  strongly  advocate,  particu- 
larly that  portion  which  demonstrates  the  necessity  of 
conciliating  rival  sects,  by  a  total  rejection  of  the  Bible 
from  the  Common  Schools  of  the  nation ;  and  I  con- 
fess, I  shall  entertain  the  hope  that  Lord  B will 

interest  himself  to  obtain  for  me,  the  special  permis- 
sion of  the  Marquis  of  Locofoco,  to  dedicate  my  tra- 
vels to  him.  His  "  imiprimatur"  is,  I  admit,  no  great 
advantage  in  a  literary  point  of  view,  but  politically 
it  is  of  the  first  importance.  It  will  give  it  "  the  Tower 
mark," — it  will  pass  current  then  as  coin.  And  now, 
hurrah  for  the  Pawnees — the  Texans,  and  the  Cana- 
dians— and  Yankee  town,  and  then  for  "  Travels  in 
the  United  States  of  America,  the  Texas  and  British 
Provinces,  with  minute  and  copious  details  of  their 
geographical,  political,  moral,  medical  and  economi- 
cal statistics,  including  interesting  anecdotes  of  distin- 
guished living  characters,  incidents  of  travel,  and  a 
description  of  the  habits,  feehngs,  and  domestic  life  of 
the  people.  Illustrated  by  numerous  drawings  and 
sketches  taken  on  the  spot  by  the  author.  By  Gregory 
Grant,  F.  R.  S.  and  M.  L.  D.  Dedicated,  by  special 
permission,  to  the  Marquis  of  Locofoco." 

Here  is  the  pilot  on  board.  All  is  bustle  and  confu- 
sion. God  bless  you !  dear  Mac.  Don't  forget  the 
F.  R.  S.  or  some  other  A.  S.  S.  society.    Adieu. 

Yours  always, 

Gregory  Grant. 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  91 


No.  XII. 


LETTER  FROM  A  STOKER. 

Dere  An  — 

Last  night  as  ever  was  in  Bristul  CaptainClaxton 
ired  me  for  to  go  to  Americka  on  board  this  steemer 
Big  West  un  as  a  stoker,  and  them  as  follered  me  all 
along  the  rode  from  Lunnun  may  foller  me  there  two 
if  they  liks,  and  be  damned  to  em  and  much  good  may 
it  do  them  two,  for  prigging  in  England  aint  no  sin  in 
the  U  States  were  every  man  is  free  to  do  as  he  pleseth 
and  ax  no  uns  lif  neither,  and  where  is  no  peleise,  nor 
constables,  nor  fleets,  nor  new  gates,  and  no  need  of 
reforms. 

I  couldnt  sleep  all  nite  for  lafeing  when  I  thort  ou 
they'd  stare  wen  they  eared  i  wass  off  and  tuck  the 
plate  of  Lord  Springfield  off  with  me  and  they  look- 
ing all  round  Bristul  and  ad  their  panes  for  their  trou- 
ble. I  haven't  wurk  so  ard  sinse  I  rund  away  from 
farmer  Doggins  the  nite  he  was  noked  off  his  orse  and 
made  to  stand,  and  lost  his  purs  of  munny  as  he  got 
fur  his  corn,  as  I  av  since  I  listed  for  a  stoker.  Ime 
blest  if  it  arn't  cruel  ard  wurk  ear.  I  wurks  in  the 
cole  ole  day  and  nite,  a  moving  cole  for  the  furniss, 
which  never  goes  out  but  burns  for  ever  and  ever,  and 
there  is  no  hair,  it  is  so  ot  my  mouth  is  eated  so  that 
w^at  I  drinks  smox  and  isses  as  if  it  w^ur  a  ort  iron, 
and  my  flesh  is  as  dry  as  ung  beef  and  the  only  con- 
sholation  I  av  is  Ide  a  bin  ung  beef  in  ernest  if  they 
ad  a  nabbed  me  afore  I  left  Bristul,  all  owin  to  Bill 
Sawyer  peachin  on  me. 

Ko  wun  w^ould  no  me  now  for  I  am  as  black  as  the 


92  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

ace  of  spades  as  was  and  so  is  my  shurt,  and  as  for 
clene  shetes  how  long  wood  they  be  clone  and  me  in 
them,  and  my  skin  is  cracked  like  roasted  pig,  when 
tnere  be  not  fat  enuf  to  baste  it  or  yu  to  lazy  to  du 
it,  which  was  often  your  case  and  well  you  cort  it  for 
it  two,  when  I  was  out  of  sorts  which  was  enuf  to  vex 
a  man  as.  risked  his  life  to  get  it,  and  then  my  eyes  is 
soar  with  dust  as  comes  from  the  cole,  and  so  stiff  I 
avent  power  to  sliute  them  because  they  be  so  dry,  and 
my  mouth  tasts  sulfur  always  as  bad  as  them  as  goes 
to  the  devil  in  ernest  as  Sally  Mander  did.  I  have  no 
pease  at  all  and  will  not  be  sorry  when  its  over  if  i  sur- 
vive it,  blow  me  if  I  will.  I  smells  like  roste  beaf  and 
the  rats  cums  smellin  round  me  as  if  they'd  like  to  ave 
a  cut  and  cum  agin,  but  they  will  find  it  a  tuf  business 
and  no  gravy  as  the  french  man  said  who  lived  two 
hull  weaks  on  his  shuse  and  dide  wen  he  cum  to  the 
holes,  which  he  said  was  rather  two  much,  but  I  can't 
say  I  like  their  company  a  morsel  more  nor  bill  Saw- 
yerses  and  blast  me  if  i  donte  be  even  with  him  if  ever 
he  comes  to  Americka  for  that  gud  turn  he  did  me  in 
blowing  on  me  for  the  silver  wich  if  he  adnt  dun  ide 
a  bin  living  at  my  ease  at  ome  with  you  and  may  be 
rnarrid  you  if  you  and  the  children  ad  behaved  well 
and  showed  yourselvs  wurthy  of  it,  as  it  is  i  cant  say 
whether  we  are  to  mete  agin  or  not,  but  I  will  rite  to 
you  when  I  lands  the  plate  and  let  you  no  what  my 
prospet  is  in  my  line  in  New  York.  Then  my  shuse 
is  baked  so  ard ;  they  brake  like  py  crust  and  my 
clothes  wat  with  wat  cum'd  out  of  me  like  the  rain  at 
fust,  and  the  steme  that  cums  out  likev^ise,  which  is 
oncredibill,  and  wat  with  the  dust  as  cum  out  of  the 
cole,  is  set  like  mortur  and  as  stiff  as  sement,  and 
stand  up  of  themselves  as  strate  as  a  Christian  so  they 
do,  and  if  I  ad  your  and  in  my  and  it  wood  melt  like 
butter,  and  you  that  is  so  soft  wood  run  away  like  a 
candel  with  a  thief  in  it,  so  you  are  better  off  where 
you  be  than  ere  till  I  cool  down  agin  and  cum  too  for 


THE    GREAT    WESTERX.  93 

Pme  blest  if  I  woodnt  set  a  bed  on  fire  I'me  so  ort. 
This  is  orrid  wurk  for  him  as  has  more  silver  in  his 
bag  than  arf  the  passengers  as,  and  is  used  to  do  as 
little  wurk  as  the  best  of  them  is. 

I  got  urted  in  my  cheek  with  a  stone  that  busted 
arter  it  got  red  ort  in  the  grate,  an  flew  out  with  an  ex- 
ploshun  Uke  a  busted  biler,  only  I  wish  it  ad  been  water 
insted,  for  it  would  ave  been  softer  nor  it  was,  for  it  was 
as  ard  as  a  cannon  ball,  it  noked  down  to  of  my  teeth, 
and  then  noked  me  down,  and  made  a  smell  like 
searin  a  orse's  tail  with  red  ort  iron,  which  is  the  cause 
of  its  not  bleeding  much,  tho  it  swelld  as  big  as  a  tur- 
nip, which  occa shuns  me  to  keep  wun  eye  shut,  as  its 
no  use  to  open  it,  when  its  swelld  all  over  it,  for  I  cant 
sea.  If  thats  the  way  peopel  was  stoned  to  deth,  as 
Ive  eard,  when  I  was  a  boy,  when  there  was  profits 
in  religion,  it  must  have  been  a  paneful  end,  as  I  no  to 
my  cost,  who  was  most  drownded,  holden  my  ed  in  a 
tub  of  water  to  squench  the  red  ort  stone,  which  made 
the  water  two  ort  to  bear  any  longer,  and  wen  I  tuked 
it  out,  it  was  two  much  eated  to  old  in  my  and.  My 
feet  also  looks  like  a  tin  cullinder,  or  a  sifter  all  full  of 
small  oles,  were  the  red  ort  sinders  have  burned  into 
the  bone.  Them  as  node  me  wunce,  woodnt  sware  to 
me  now,  with  a  ole  in  my  face  as  big  as  my  mouth, 
that  I  adn't  afore,  and  too  back  teeth  out,  as  I  adn't 
afore,  and  my  skin  as  black  as  ink,  and  my  flesh  like 
dride  cod  fish,  and  my  hair  dride  wite  and  frizzed  with 
the  eat  like  a  neagurs,  or  goose  fethers  in  ort  ashes 
to  make  quills  ;  and  I'me  able  to  drink  a  gallon  of  Por- 
ter without  wunce  taking  breth,  and  not  feel  it  for 
ewaporation,  and  my  skin  so  kivered  with  dust  and 
grit,  you  could  sharpen  a  knife  on  it,  and  my  throte 
furred  up  alike  a  ship's  biler;  and  me,  that  cood 
scarcely  scroudge  thro  a  windur,  that  can  now  pass 
out  of  a  kee  ole  and  not  tare  my  clothes  in  the  wards. 
Wun  cumfit  is,  I  was  not  see-sick,  unless  being  sick  of 
sea,  for  I  have  no  licked  in  me,  for  watever  [  eat  is 


94  THE    LETTER-BAG    OP 

baked  into  pot  py,  and  no  gravy,  which  cums  off  the 
grate  eat  in  the  furniss,  and  burns  rases  no  bHsters,  for 
they  aint  any  watter  inside  to  make  wun,  only  leves  a 
mark  as  the  ort  poker  does  on  the  floor,  and  wen  my 
turn  cums  to  sleap,  its  no  longer  a  turning  this  side  and 
then  that,  and  then  rolling  back  again,  a  tr3ang  and 
not  being  able,  for  thinking  and  talking,  but  sleep  cums 
afore  I  can  ly  down,  and  all  the  pelhse  at  Bo  Street 
woodnt  wake  me  no  more  than  a  corpse,  wen  I  am 
wunce  down  in  ernest.  If  I  wusn't  in  a  urry  I'd  stick 
them  up  with  working  like  a  orse  in  the  mail  that  runs 
day  and  night  and  never  stops.  It  woodn't  be  long 
afore  I'd  nock  off  a  bolt,  or  skru  or  nut  or  somethink 
of  that  kind  which  ud  cans  them  to  let  out  steam  and 
repair,  which  wood  give  half  a  days  rest  to  wun,  but 
as  its  th  0  furst  and  the  last  of  my  stokering,  why  the 
sunner  there  is  an  end  to  it  the  better.  No  man  could 
identical  me  with  a  safe  conshience  and  no  pergury, 
so  if  the  Yankees  spend  their  money  as  I  ar  heard  till 
since  I  took  passidge,  on  their  backs  instead  of  carry- 
ing it  in  their  pockets,  i  may  return  after  a  short  ahbi 
to  you  and  the  children,  which  will  depend  on  ow^  you 
aul  up  in  time  and  keeps  out  of  Low^  company,  that  is 
barring  accidents  for  there  is  no  noing  what  may 
appen,  for  them  as  carrys  booy  nives  behind  the  capes 
of  their  coates,  and  pistuls  in  their  pockets  insted  of 
pistoles  are  ugly  customers,  and  a  feller  may  find  him- 
self deHverd  of  a  mistake  afore  he  noeth  where  he  is, 
for  they  are  apt  to  save  the  law  a  job  are  them  knives, 
so  they  are,  and  I'de  rather  trust  to  a  jug  missing  fire 
or  not  hitting  his  man  any  time  than  to  side  arms,  for 
them  big  wigs  oftener  ang  fire  than  ang  a  man.  They 
are  bad  things  them  cut  and  thrusts  for  both  sides,  as 
Tom  Hodge  used  to  say, — He  who  stabbeth  with  his 
tung  is  in  no  danger  of  being  ung,  but  he  who  stabbeth 
with  his  nife  is  damd  apt  to  lose  his  own  life. 

When  you  receive  this  letter,  go  to  Blackfriars,  to 
the  Swimmers,  and  in  the  four  foot  of  the  bed,  in  the 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  95 

left  room,  in  the  garrit,  as  I  used  to  use,  when  bisnis 
called,  you  will  find  the  same  oiler  as  in  yours  bed- 
stead, and  take  the  gold  sneezer  as  is  there,  which  will 
raise  the  wind ;  and  be  careful,  as  there  is  no  noin 
when  we  may  meet,  or  whether  I  will  av  time  to  send 
you  any  blunt  or  no,  which  will  depend  on  how  you 
conduct  behind  my  back ;  I  don't  mene  this  by  way  of 
discouragement,  but  to  int  you  are  too  fond  of  drink, 
and  keping  company  with  needy  mizlers,  to  kepe  se- 
crets for  any  wun  without  bringhig  him  to  the  crap. 
And,  now  that  Tme  in  another  wurld,  I  expect  you 
will  give  luse  to  your  own  inwenshuns,  which  will  be 
the  ruin  of  you,  yet,  as  well  as  them  as  has  the  pies- 
sure  of  your  ackwaintance,  in  wich  case  you  don't  ear 
agin  from  me ;  and  I  will  luk  for  sum  wun  as  nose 
how  to  place  a  proper  valy  on  adwice  when  they  gets 
it,  which  wasn't  your  case  for  sum  tim  gone.  My 
present  sitivashin  as  all  cum  of  not  noing  how  to  be 
silent,  or  bill  Sawyer  cudn't  av  ruined  me  in  my  bis- 
nis— but,  never  mind,  its  a  long  lane  that  has  no  turn 
in  it,  as  the  chap  sed  to  conshole  himself  in  the  tred- 
mill. 

Remember  me  to  Jim  Spriggins,  who  is  the  primest 
ruffing  cove  I  ever  shared  a  swag  with.  Tell  him 
I  'me  no  transport,  though  I  'me  bound  over  the  water, 
for  I  'me  just  visitin  furrin  parts,  as  the  gents  do,  on 
account  of  having  lived  too  free  at  home,  and  that  I 
ope  to  nap  many  a  reader  with  him  yet,  if  Providence 
blesses  our  undertakings.  So,  no  more  at  present  time, 
from 

Your  loving  friend, 

Bill  Holmes. 


96  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

No.  XIII. 

LETTER 

FROM  A  STOCKHOLDER  OF  THE  GREAT 
WESTERN  TO  THE  SECRETARY. 

I  DULY  received  your  favour,  under  date  of  the  30th 
ult.  per  Mr.  Scribe,  the  clerk,  which  came  to  hand  at 
time  of  sailing,  and  note  its  contents.  I  notice  your 
request  that  I  should  forward  to  you,  per  first  ship, 
via  New  York,  that  leaves  after  our  arrival,  touching 
at  an  English  port,  such  suggestions  and  alterations  as 
occur  in  a  careful  reviev/  of  the  fixtures,  stock  in  hand, 
and  miscellaneous  articles  on  board,  and  have  great 
pleasure  in  executing  your  order,  and  hope  that  the 
manner  will  prove  satisfactory.  The  first  remark  on 
the  catalogue  I  would  ofier,  is  upon  the  alarming  pre- 
ponderance of  Americans  on  board,  they  being  one 
moiety  or  half  part  of  the  assortment  of  passengers 
mentioned  in  the  bills  of  lading  of  the  line  cargo,  the 
balance  being  made  up  of  foreigners,  provincials,  and 
English. 

In  the  event  of  any  sudden  breaking  out  of  hostilities, 
while  on  the  passage  between  the  two  nations,  as  was 
recently  feared,  the  provincials  might  sympathise  with 
the  Americans,  who  are  troublesome  customers ;  and 
the  Poles,  I  would  stake  my  existence,  as  natural 
friends  of  liberty,  having  served  an  apprenticeship  to 
the  business,  would  side  with  them ;  and  the  French, 
from  their  known  antipathy  to  what  they  call  their 
antiquarian  enemies,  the  British,  together  with  the  stew- 
ard and  his  bodv-guard,  who  are  all  A-freco-Ameri- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  97 

cans,  and  whose  home,  if  they  can  be  said  to  have 
any,  who  are  in  bondage  abroad,  is  the  United  States, 
would  be  ditto,  and  not  neutral.  Reinforced  by  this 
extensive  additional  supply  of  auxiliaries  against  us, 
they  would  be  enabled  to  make  a  run  upon  the  English 
captain  and  his  brave  countrymen,  the  stokers,  and, 
perhaps  lynch  them,  and  seize  the  steamer,  which  is  too 
fast  to  be  overtaken,  or  too  strong  to  be  retaken,  or 
else  I  am  much  mistaken.  It  is  not  easy  to  contem- 
plate such  a  stoppage  in  our  line,  without  feelings  of 
consternation  and  panic,  and  I  submit  it  with  all  due 
deference  to  your  honourable  board,  for  some  pre- 
monitary  measure,  that  shall  obviate  such  an  alarming 
occurrence,  as  a  total  loss.  Yesterday,  when  we  thought 
of  making  a  deviation,  and  putting  into  Halifax  to  as- 
certain whether  Maine  and  New  Brunswick  had  de- 
clared war,  the  Americans  put  us  all  into  bodily  fear, 
that  they  would  put  us  into  confinement,  and  make 
prisoners  of  us  without  ransom  ;  and  such  fears  should 
be  removed  by  removing  the  moving  cause. 

Another  serious  item,  serious  from  the  consequences 
as  well  as  the  magnitude,  is  that  of  the  number  of  lights 
on  board,  whereby  not  to  mention  waste,  the  safety  of 
the  ship,  comprising  a  very  extensive  assortment  of 
valuable  articles  not  necessary  to  enumerate,  and  of 
the  passengers,  is  endangered,  as  well  as  that  of  other 
vessels  and  passengers.  We  have  now  two  actions 
pending  against  us  at  New  York,  for  the  loss  of  two 
ships,  that,  mistaking  our  immense  volume  of  light  for 
a  light-house  mentioned  in  the  coast-book,  steered  ac- 
cordingly, and  were  wrecked  on  the  rocky  shore, 
which  in  their  vainglorious  and  boasting  language, 
they  call '  iron-bound.' — I  have  suggested  to  Mr.  Ogden, 
who  is  the  most  eminent  counsel  in  New  York,  whether 
we  might  not  plead  or  aver,  that,  if  the  coast  is  *  iron- 
bound,'  it  was  magnetic  attraction,  and  not  excess  of 
light,  that  caused  them  to  be  lost  in  the  darkness  of  the 
night.  If  this  idea  prevails,  it  will  cure  them  of  mak' 
9 


98  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

ing  a  selection  of  such  high-sounding  words  to  denote 
ordinary  things,  and  teach  them  to  substitute  facts  for 
poetic  fiction  of  imagination,  in  transacting  business. — 
1  consider  there  is  great  danger  of  fire,  and  prospect 
of  immense  sacrifice  of  entire  stock,  if  the  strictest  re- 
gard to  economy  in  tlie  distribution  of  it,  is  not  attended 
to ;  for  although  the  fire  of  the  engine  falls  into  water,  it 
would  not  be  so  easy  to  make  water  fall  upon  the  fire ; 
and  fire,  as  you  used  to  say,  sir,  very  forcibly  and  ap- 
propriately, is  a  bad  master,  though  a  good  servant. 
I  would,  with  your  kind  indulgence,  obviate  the  danger 
to  the  premises,  by  refusing  to  supply  the  passengers 
individually  with  a  lamp  or  candle  or  ignition  of  any 
kind,  and  order,  that  when  they  close  the  concern  and 
shut  up  for  the  night  to  go  to  bed,  they  should  be  ac- 
companied by  a  waiter,  who  should  stand  by  them 
with  a  dark  lantern  in  his  hand,  open  for  the  men,  but 
held  behind  him  for  the  ladies.  Premium  of  insurance 
would  be  reduced  by  underwriters  on  the  policy  by  . 
this  means,  and  brokerage  saved  also,  as  well  as  the 
amount  of  petty  average  of  anxiety. 

As  to  the  stock  of  provision  on  board,  I  would  ma- 
terially alter  the  assortment  of  solids  and  fluids.  In 
this  line  I  would  mention  the  article  of  soda,  four 
thousand  bottles  of  which  were  drunk  during  the 
voyage,  which  is  an  immense  consumption,  notwith- 
standing the  price  at  which  it  was  laid  in  was  un- 
rivalled for  cheapness,  on  account  of  the  liberal  dis- 
count allowed  for  prompt  pay.  Such  a  quantity  is 
injurious  to  health,  being  a  system  of  diet  that  lowers 
the  system  of  body — occupies  the  time  of  the  waiters 
in  drawing  corks,  and  is  very  expensive.  It  is  called 
for  chiefly  among  the  Americans,  who,  I  may  say,  are 
the  only  customers,  and  they  oi;der  it  by  wholesale ; 
their  principal  pleasure,  I  believe,  arising  from  the  ex- 
plosion resembling  that  of  a  rifle ;  but  this  is  only  an- 
other way  of  rifling  your  pockets  as  they  would  serve 
your  bodies.     I  w^ould  order  the  consignees  at  New 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  99 

York,  not  to  lay  in  so  heavy  a  stock  of  the  article,  the 
very  freight  of  which  runs  up  to  a  considerable  sum. 
I  would  have  fewer  sorts  of  dishes  and  of  a  better  sort, 
and  fewer  kinds  of  wines  and  of  a  better  kind.  A  great 
deal  of  meat  is  now  wasted  besides  what  is  put  under 
the  waist,  in  trying  which  they  give  a  preference  to. 
This  makes  the  passengers  sick,  and  keeps  them  with 
empty  stomachs  ready  to  empty  the  dishes  as  well  as 
the  bottles.  I  humbly  conceive  this  want  of  apportion- 
ment, is  bad  economy  or  rather  no  economy.  I  should 
prefer  a  selection  of  heavy  wines,  as  less  would  do  by 
50  per  cent.  It  takes  a  vast  deal  of  light  wines  to 
make  a  man  light-headed,  and  weak  wines  a  man  may 
drink  for  a  week  and  feel  no  stronger  for  the  stowage. 
One  excellent  expedient  to  prevent  excessive  drinking 
w^ould  be  to  engage  a  doctor  on  reasonable  terms,  who 
could  sing  well — a  good  song  and  a  long  song  between 
the  glasses  prevents  wasting  Hquid  by  its  lien  on  the 
decanters,  and  every  turn  of  the  bottle  among  one 
hundred  and  ten  passengers  costs  in  exact  computation 
one  hundred  and  ten  glasses  of  wine,  which  amounts 
to  more  than  seven  bottles,  a  heavy  item  in  the  ac- 
count. There  is,  it  appears  to  me,  an  advantageous 
opening  here  for  an  improvement.  The  article  too 
should  be  imported  direct,  so  as  to  save  commissions 
and  retail  profits,  and  laid  in  at  costs  and  charges  only, 
to  do  business  to  advantage.  I  would  observe  shipping 
charges  at  Bristol  are  too  high,  especially  dockage, 
wharfage,  lighterage,  and  primage,  and  therefore  lay- 
ing in  at  New  York  is  preferable ;  and,  to  save  cus- 
tom-house expenses,  every  thing  should  be  included  in 
one  cockit. 

There  should  also  be  a  lieutenant  on  board ;  I  do  not 
mean  tenants  that  have  left,  for  there  are  always 
enough  of  them ;  but  an  officer  so  called,  independent 
of  the  mates.  This  officer  should  have  charge  of  the 
cabin  and  the  cabin  charges,  and  of  the  passengers 
and  their  baggages,  all  of  whom  ought  to  be  in  his 


100  THE    LETTER-BAG   OP 

convoy.  He  should  preside  over  the  table  and  relieve 
the  captain  of  this  department,  who,  never  being 
brought  up  to  this  line  of  business,  is  unacquainted 
with  particulars,  although  emulous  to  merit  public  ap- 
probation and  patronage  by  assiduous  attention.  In 
addition  to  this,  the  captain  is  a  '  Chartist,'  and  conse- 
quently not  so  well  fitted  for  large  assemblies.  As  to 
the  decorations  of  the  saloons,  they  are  most  costly, 
though  the  prime  cost  is  not  to  be  complained  of;  but 
they  produce  no  return.  The  fabrics  are  elegant  and 
of  durable  materials,  and  warranted  of  first  quality, 
especially  the  drapery,  which  is  of  the  newest  pattern 
and  fashion.  They  are  now  much  damaged  and  stand 
at  the  reduced  value  of  remnants,  especially  the  paint- 
ings. Now,  although  a  mere  daub  can  never  become 
a  good  picture,  yet  a  fine  painting  may  easily  become 
a  mere  daub,  as  is  proved  on  board  of  this  vessel,  for 
the  servants  are  constantly  rubbing  their  dirty  hands 
on  them.  A  touchy  servant  is  the  most  disagreeable 
of  all  attendants,  and  although  I  detest  one  that  is 
thievish,  I  make  no  objection  at  all  to  one  that  is  light 
fingered.  I  would  intimate  therefore  as  an  addition  to 
your  orders,  that  there  should  be  no  more  black  ser- 
vants, for  it  is  obvious  that  a  hand  that  is  always  black 
must  be  dirtier  than  one  that  is  only  occasionally  so. 
Although  there  is  no  supper  laid,  yet  judging  from  the 
quantity  drunk,  there  are  some  tolerable  suppers  on 
board ;  and  anchovies,  sardines  and  salt  fish  should  be 
carefully  excluded  from  the  invoice  and  considered 
contraband,  as  well  as  all  provoking  things.  He  who 
thirsts  after  drink  soon  becomes  bloody  thirsty,  and  is 
a  dangerous  customer.  This  is  the  more  unsafe,  be- 
cause in  these  premises  we  are  constantly  kept  in  hot 
water.  Another  improvement  would  be  to  remove  the 
tube  that  runs  the  whole  length  of  the  cabin  under  the 
table,  and  answers  no  purpose  but  steaming  calves' 
feet  into  jelly,  and  to  place  it  on  the  table,  where  it 
might  run  counter  to  the  dishes  and  be  useful  in  keep- 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  101 

ing  the  dinners  warm,  as  well  as  to  make  articles  show 
to  advantage.  I  have  no  objection  to  cold  meat,  but  I 
like  hot  soup ;  and  fish  that  comes  to  table  not  warmed 
is  out  of  **  plaice," — and  T  like  to  hear  young  ladies' 
tongues  chatter,  but  not  their  teeth. 

Two  saloons  would  be  better  than  one,  and  give 
more  satisfaction,  on  an  average,  to  those  who  favour 
us  with  their  custom ;  for  though  I  admire  a  mob  cap, 
I  detest  a  mob  of  caps.  The  side  paths  between  the 
tables  and  side  walls  being  scant  ell  wide,  are  too  nar- 
row for  two  to  pass  and  repass  without  trespassing  on 
each  others'  feet.  A  lady  told  me  to-day  she  never 
knew  before  the  pain  of  being  "  Sir-passed,"  and  though 
she  had  no  objection  to  the  "  freedom  of  the  press,'* 
she  had  great  repugnance  to  a  "  press  gang"  and  had 
no  idea  of  being  "  pressed  on  board  ship." 

But  the  most  beneficial  alteration  that  has  occurred 
to  me  to  make  on  board  the  ship,  so  as  to  make  it  yield 
a  good  dividend  to  proprietors  and  command  an  ex- 
tensive run  of  patronage,  would  be  to  subject  the  pas- 
sengers to  animal  magnetism.  As  soon  as  they  come 
on  board  they  should  be  put  to  sleep  and  disposed  of 
by  being  packed  carefully  into  their  respective  beds, 
and  left  there  as  on  shelves,  until  the  steamer  performs 
her  voyage,  when  they  could  all  be  handed  down,  un- 
animal-magnetized,  and  sent  ashore.  It  would  save 
much  that  now  swells  up  the  account  current  for  the 
table  and  attendants,  spare  them  the  pain  and  suffering 
of  sea-sickness,  and  prevent  all  noise  and  confusion. 
You  could  then  afford  to  make  a  great  reduction  in  the 
passage  money  by  this  means  ;  for  a  long  voyage  would 
would  be  no  more  expensive,  as  far  as  the  cabin  dis- 
bursements are  concerned,  than  a  short  one,  and  you 
could  book  double  the  number  of  insides  and  fill  your 
way-bill  up  handsomely. 

A  magnetizer  would  have  to  be  employed  of  known 
skill,  so  as  to  render  advertising  attractive  and  profit- 
able. He  should  be  a  pupil  of  doctor  EUiotson,  or 
9# 


102  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

some  such  distinguished  man,  a  person  in  well  establish- 
ed business,  well  known  to  the  nobility  and  gentry 
generally  of  his  vicinity,  and  one  in  whom  the  public 
at  large  has  great  confidence.  Whether  so  strong  an 
assemblage  of  magnetic  influence  would  affect  the 
compass  deserves  consideration,  and  experimental  trips 
should  first  be  tried  on  the  Thames  and  other  places. 
For  this  invention  you  might  obtain  a  patent,  and  the 
Great  Western  would  thereby  have  a  monoply  in  her 
line  of  business,  and  defy  all  rival  competition  by  driv- 
ing others  out  of  the  field,  or  at  least  out  of  the  sea. 

What  a  sea  of  trouble  it  would  save !  what  an  era 
it  would  form  in  naval  history!  what  a  blessing  to 
mankind  !  crying  children  put  to  sleep — scolding  wives 
set  at  rest — grumblers  silenced — drunkards  sobered — 
hungry  people  quieted — agitators  calmed. 

The  cabin  would  then  be  fitted  up  like  a  museum, 
every  specimen  marked,  numbered,  parcelled,  and 
shelved,  and  order  and  regularity  restored,  while 
economy  and  comfort  (the  you  tilly  dull  sea)  would 
pervade  the  whole  assortment.  It  is  the  best  expedient 
I  know  of  to  remedy  all  evils  and  ensure  lasting  custom 
and  a  safe  investment  for  capital  as  well  as  please 
principals.  Trusting  that  this  enumeration  of  items,  I 
have  now  the  pleasure  to  forward  in  executing  your 
commission,  will  arrive  safe  to  hand  and  give  satis- 
faction. 

I  am,  sir,  respectfully, 

Your  obedient  servant, 

William  Wisdom. 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  103 


No,  XIV. 

LETTER 
FROM  A  SERVANT  IN  SEARCH  OP  A  PLACE. 

Dear  Tummus  — 

Curnel  Rackilt  having  thort  proper  to  stop 
Sherry  in  the  servants  hall,  and  give  porter  in  sted,  I 
give  him  warning  that  such  improper  conduct  wouldnt 
do  no  longer,  as  I  had  been  always  used  to  live  with 
Gentlemen,  and  to  be  treated  as  a  footman  ort,  and  be- 
sides livery  I  wont  wear  no  longer,  for  no  man  breath- 
ing.— It  arnt  fit  one  man  should  wear  bondage  clotl/rs 
to  another  man,  and  so  I  go  to  Americka  where  there 
is  no  such  word  as  servant,  but  assistance  and  helps, 
and  where  talents  is  rewarded  as  it  deserves,  and  there 
is  no  distinctions  to  be  found. 

I  av  engaged  with  Captain  Haltfront  to  help  him 
during  the  voyage  and  he  is  to  pay  my  passage,  but  I 
didn't  engage  not  to  be  sea  sick,  which  of  course  I  av 
thort  proper  to  be,  whenever  he  is  on  deck,  which  is 
not  often  and  consequentially  av  nothing  to  do,  but  eat 
and  drink  my  allowance  which,  thank  God,  I  can  do 
very  well,  and  he  av  the  Steward  and  Ships  servants 
to  wait  upon  him,  which  is  enuf  in  all  conscience  with- 
out me.  In  Americka,  as  I  hear,  Servants  is  called 
Misters,  and  wine  and  wegetables  being  on  the  table 
and  the  company  handing  dishes,  helps  has  nothing  to 
do  but  sit  down  on  cheers  and  read  the  papers,  unless 
it  be  to  change  a  plate  now  and  agin,  which  is  only 
per  former  like,  and  is  often  taken  into  business  and 
marries  into  the  family ;  and  wearing  no  livery  can 
dine  at  Hotels  at  public  places,  if  not  on  duty,  and  has 


104  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

money  to  pay  for  it.  Little  offences  aint  thort  nothing 
of  where  public  officers  do  the  like  as  I  hear,  and 
where  munny  is  so  plenty,  people  make  a  forten  some- 
times by  failing  in  business,  which  the  Steward  says, 
is  not  uncommon  by  no  manner  of  means.  Howsum- 
ever  I  must  say  I  pities  Miss  Rackilt  Curnels  dorter, 
poor  thing,  for  she  was  unkimmen  fond  of  me,  that's  a 
clear  case,  and  would  have  absconded  as  quick  as  wink 
with  me,  if  I  had  but  thort  proper  to  av  sed  the  wurd, 
but  being  dependant  upon  her  father,  couldn't  keep  an 
establishment,  which  wouldn't  do  for  me,  as  I  couldn't 
afford  to  marry  a  poor  girl,  let  her  beautiful  charms 
be  ever  so  conspikious — I  wunder  who  will  tie  on  her 
clogs  and  squeeze  her  ankles  now  I  am  gone,  and  a 
prettier  foot  and  ankle  aint  this  day  in  all  Lundun, 
though  perhaps  it  don't  become  me  to  boast  of  my  no 
le:;^s  in  this  pint.  Her  waiting  w^ummun  Jane  (you 
node  Jane,  she  that  had  the  fine  black  eyes)  well,  Jane 
w^as  always  jealous  of  her,  and  I  ad  enuf  to  do,  I  can 
telly,  to  pacify  her,  inting  to  her  it  was  all  her  hone 
imagination,  and  that  I  wouldn't  touch  her  mistress 
with  a  pair  of  tongs,  and  that  hartificial  flowers  like 
she  had  no  sweetness  in  them  like  the  real  roses  of  her 
lips  and  cheeks ;  but  wummun  do  find  things  out 
astonishing,  and  it  aint  easy  to  deceive  them  in  matters 
of  the  art  and  eyes,  though  to  my  mind  she  aint  no 
more  to  be  compared  to  Miss  than  Sider  is  to  Sham- 
pane. 

Indeed,  missus,  herself,  wouldn't  av  had  no  objec- 
tions to  go  off,  neither,  I  can  tell  you,  if  I  ad  consented 
to  lift  up  my  and,  and  whistled,  if  it  warnt  for  fear  of 
the  curnel ;  for  she  tuk  great  notis  of  me,  and  was  pro- 
per vexed  w^hen  I  gin  her  warning,  and  told  me,  her- 
self, I  w^as  a  fool,  and  didn't  know  how  to  valy  my 
place,  and  complained  bitterly  she  was  deceived  in  me, 
which  she  w^ouldn't  av  done,  at  no  rate,  if  she  warnt 
cross  at  losing  me  in  such  a  sudden  manner,  for  ever 
But  I  never  did  deceive  her — never  give  her  no  en- 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  105 

couragement,  on  no  occasion,  whatsumever,  for  I  per- 
fered  miss,  by  a  great  deal.  Second-and  pieces  of  fur- 
niture isnt  to  my  taste,  by  no  manner  of  means ;  and, 
if  she  ad  pesisted  in  saying  much  more,  I  should  av 
told  her  so  to  her  face ;  for  I  didnt  like  her,  for  she 
was  old — wore  false  curls,  and  ad  some  teeth  that 
wasnt  her  hone,  and  wasnt  at  all  fit  for  a  fancy-wum- 
mun  for  any  young  man  like  me. 

If  ever  1  marry s  for  muney,  I  must  av  good  luks, 
too,  or  I  am  off  the  bargain — thats  fiat. 

They  has  the  ballad  and  universal  r^iffering,  as  I  am 
informed,  in  Amerika,  and  I  shall  have  a  vote,  in 
course ;  but  its  no  use,  as  I  hear,  for  voting  is  consi- 
dered low,  where  its  so  common,  and  theres  no  thanks 
when  no  wun  nose  how  you  votes.  So,  reform,  it 
seems,  is  no  great  shakes,  arter  all  Lord  John's  flams 
about  it.  Public  service  I  sliould  much  prefer  to  pri- 
vate, as  I  understands  they  gets  eight  dollars  a-day,  at 
a  place  they  calls  Washington,  and  great  vails,  too, 
besides  rising  of  your  tail  is  large,  like  O'Connell's, 
who  has  the  biggest  in  all  Ireland ;  for  I  hear,  Steven- 
son, the  Yankee  minister,  was  only  a  public  servant, 
and  no  better,  and  rose  by  his  tail,  too,  as  our  monkey 
used  to  hold-on  by  his  tail,  and  help  himself  up.  I  shall 
try  my  luck  there ;  and  if  I  gets  up  in  the  world,  who 
knows  but  I  may  come  back  as  a  tatchy,  or  somethink 
of  that  sort,  to  England,  some  of  these  days,  and  show 
Curnel  Rackit  what  service  in  Amerika  is.  One  think 
I  av  seen,  myself,  an  officer  dine  at  our  table,  at  mas- 
ter's, who  ad  seen  service  in  his  younger  days,  himself, 
and  w^as  made  as  much  of,  as  if  he  had  never  stood 
behind  a  cheer  in  his  Hfe ;  and,  so  far  from  being 
ashamed  of  it,  as  some  people  as  I  nose  of  would  be, 
boasted  of  it,  which  showed  his  sense.  Poverty  aint 
no  sin  or  disgrace,  neither ;  and  barbers'  sons  have  riz 
afore  now  to  be  pears ;  whereas,  my  real  father,  as  I 
av  heard  sai,  is  a  reform  member,  and  high  up  in  office, 
though  my  mother  had  the  misfortune  to  be  a  servant^ 


106  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

which  is  more  than  sum  can  boast  of,  whose  parents 
was  low  people  on  fathers  and  mothers  side,  both.  If 
I  was  so  fortunate,  as  to  make  a  forten  by  marriage, 
or  public  service,  or  become  a  curnel,  myself,  which, 
I  hear,  is  quite  common  in  Amerika,  for  servants  to 
rise  to  be  curnels,  and  even  generals  sometimes,  I 
would  cum  back,  in  course  to  London,  to  spend  it, 
where  life  is  certainly  understood  to  be  spent,  andsumly 
and  becoming  a  man  of  fortin ;  and  theatres,  and  operas 
is  open  every  nite ;  and  andsum  girls  and  good  wine 
only  wants  the  means ;  and  perfessing  reform  opinions 
gives  good  interest.  Breaking  lamps  and  driving  over 
people  on  side-paths,  and  nocking  down  policemen,  is 
easy  learned ;  and  so  is  not  paying  tradesmen's  bills, 
and  then  running  off  with  another  man's  wife,  would  be 
worth  while — it  would  make  a  person  fashionable,  and 
a  great  favourite  with  the  wimmen. 

I  av  heard  missus  (or  rather  I  should  say  Mrs. 
Rackitt,)  often  call  Markiss  Blowhard,  a  villain  behind 
his  back,  for  his  love  affairs,  and  that  he  ort  to  be  shut 
out  of  families,  for  too  bad,  and  be  as  civil  to  him  next 
day  as  if  he  was  Archbishop  of  Canterberry ;  but  wim- 
men always  pertend  to  be  shocked  at  what  pleases 
them  most — and  carrying  two  faces  aint  confined  to 
iio  station.  Half-seas  over  to  Amerika,  makes  me  feel 
more  nor  half  free,  already ;  at  all  events,  I  practises 
making  free  when  opportunity  hoffers. 

Says  the  skipper  to  me  one  day  (he  is  a  leftenant  in 
the  navy),  says  he,  'are  you  Captain  Haltfront's  ser- 
vant?' Without  getting  up  or  touching  hats,  but  set- 
ting at  ease,  sais  I,  I  didnt  know  he  had  a  servant,  sir. 
'Didnt  know  he  had  one,  sir,'  said  he,  *pray  what  the 
devil  do  you  call  yourself  if  you  are  not  his  servant?' 
Why,  sir,  said  I,  cocking  my  head  a  one  side,  and  try- 
ing to  come  Yankee  over  him,  he  receives  the  Queen's 
pay,  sir,  and  wears  her  regimentals ;  he  has  an  allow- 
ance for  an  assistant,  which  I  receive  and  wear  her 
majesty's  cockade,  too.     We  serve  her  majesty,  sir, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  107 

and  I  am  under  the  Captain's  command — do  you  take, 
sir  ?  *  Why  you  infernal  conceited  rascal !'  said  he, 
*  if  you  were  under  my  command,  sir,  instead  of  his, 
Ide  let  you  know  dam  quick  whose  servant  you  were.' 
Ah !  very  like,  sir,  said  I,  keeping  my  seat,  and  cross- 
ing one  leg  over  the  other  free  and  easy,  and  swinging 
my  foot,  very  like,  sir,  but  you  dont  happen  to  have 
that  honour,  sir,  and  my  passage  money  is  paid  to  your 
masters  the  owners  of  this  boat  at  Bristol,  which  hap- 
pens to  alter  the  case  a  bit, — you  can  go,  sir.  *  Go, 
sir,'  said  he,  *  why  dam  your  eyes,  sir,  what  do  you 
mean  ?  do  you  want  to  be  triced  up,  sir  V  and  he 
walked  away  in  a  devil  of  a  hurry,  as  if  he  was  go- 
ing to  do  something,  but  he  didnt  honour  me  again 
with  his  company. 

I  have  put  up  with  a  good  deal  in  my  time,  Tum- 
mus,  but  I  puts  up  with  no  more.  No  man  calls  me 
servant  again,  unless  at  eight  dollars  a  day,  as  a  pub- 
lic one  at  Washington  or  Van  Buren  or  Webster  or 
some  of  the  large  cities,  where,  as  I  here,  no  one  lives, 
but  every  one  passes  through,  and  dont  no  you  again. 
If  that  dont  do,  some  other  line  must.  Wine,  wimmen 
and  cigars  is  my  motter,  and  she  what  bids  for  me, 
bids  high,  Tummus,  or  she  dont  av  the  honour  of  be- 
longing to  the  establishment  of 

Your  old  cumpanion  and  friend, 

Robert  Cooper. 

P.  S.    When  you  write  to  me  write  this  way — 

A  Mister 

Mister  Cooper 

Poste-restornte 

New  York,  Amerika. 

I  dont  know  as  I  av  spelt  poste-restornte  rite  or  no, 
its  the  french  for  let  it  stop  in  the  Office  till  called  for. 
Curnel's  letters,  when  he  and  me  was  on  the  Contenent 
travelling,  had  it  on,  and  it  looks  knowing.     The  Go- 


108  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

verness  will  tell  you  how  to  spell  it,  and  you  may  kiss 
her  for  thanks,  and  get  another  kiss  for  change.  Dont 
forget  the  two  misters,  for  these  little  things  mark  the 
gentleman,  and  it  might  do  me  good  such  letters  com- 
ing to  me,  especially  among  females  whose  curiosity 
is  always  on  the  key-veave,  and  takes  such  forrin 
looking  letters  for  Billy  duxes  or  assassinations  of  some 
fair  one  or  another.  If  the  governess  would  rite  the 
back  of  the  letter  herself  it  would  be  better,  for  then 
the  hande-writing  would  be  feminine  gender,  as  Miss 
Rackitt  used  to  call  the  Spanish  lap  dog  bitch. 

Yours  again, 
R.  C. 


No.  XV. 

LETTER 


FROM  A  FRENCH  PASSENGER  TO  HIS 
FRIEND  IN  LONDON. 

My  Dear  Sare — 

I  have  vary  mush  pleasure  to  you  inform,  I 
evakuate  England  on  bord  de  Great  Western,  on  de 
22d  ultimo,  wid  vary  little  wind  and  smooth  watare, 
and  next  day  it  dropt  astarne,  and  was  lost  to  de  view 
altogedare.  I  cannot  tell  if  I  speak  de  truth,  I  was 
soary  to  leave  it  behind  me.  De  smooth  watare  did 
not  long  remain,  but  soon  became  onraged  and  ter- 
rifique,  and  I  grew  vary  sick,  and  was  brought  to  bed 
with  nausea  and  de  acke  in  de  head,  where  I  was  con- 
fined myself,  and  could  not  prevent  for  several  days, 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  109 

my  being  delivered  of  all  I  eat.  Whatever  I  take  I 
refuse,  and  what  I  swallow  I  throw  away.  De  sweet 
is  vary  sour,  and  noting  good  likes  my  stomach. 

By  and  by  I  became  round  again,  and  get  up,  and 
den  vate  spectacles  for  de  eyes ;  de  cabin  gives  one 
hunder  and  ten  passengare  at  de  table  at  one  and  de 
same  time,  and  no  confusione  but  de  confusione  of  de 
tongs.  One  ting  on  board  of  de  steam  boat  I  vary 
much  do  admire,  you  are  not  troobled  with  wind. 
Blow  which  ever  way  he  will,  backward  or  foreward, 
it  is  all  same  as  one,  you  go  right  by  de  head  all  de 
time. 

T  find  de  English  tonge  varry  tuff,  and  I  am  hard  to 
understand.  De  meaning  of  de  words  is  so  scattared, 
it  is  not  easy  for  to  gadare  dem  all  at  de  same  time 
to  chuse  dat  what  fits  de  best  to  de  right  place.  Dere 
is  "look  out,"  which  is  put  out  your  head  and  see, 
and  "  look  out,"  which  is  to  haul  in  your  head  and  not 
for  to  sea,  just  contraire.  To  day,  steward  took  hold 
of  de  sky  light,  and  said  "  look  out,"  well,  I  put  up  my 
head  for  to  "  look  out,"  and  he  shut  down  de  sash  on 
it,  and  gave  me  a  cut  almost  all  over  my  face  with 
pains  of  glass,  and  said  dat  is  not  de  way  to  "  look  out," 
you  should  have  took  your  head  in.  Dat  is  peating 
de  English  into  de  head  wid  de  devil  to  it  likewise. 
It  keeps  me  in  de  boiling  watare  all  de  time.  When  I 
make  in  de  English  Tong  mistake,  de  company  all 
laugh  in  my  countenance,  which  is  vary  disagreeable 
and  barbare,  but  to  avoid  consequence  hostile,  I  join 
in  de  laugh  meself,  and  bark  out  too  at  my  own  blun- 
dares  so  loud  as  the  loudest  of  dem  all,  but  dere  is  no 
much  pleasure  in  de  practice,  but  when  you  shall  find 
yourself  in  a  Rome,  you  must  do  as  it  is  done  in  de 
Rome.  Politeness  cannot  be  hoped  have  on  ship  board, 
where  dere  of  men  are  many  kinds,  for  you  cannot 
look  to  make  a  silk  purse  out  of  de  ear  of  one  big  pig. 
De  wedare  has  been  very  onfair,  and  de  sea  so  tall  as 
a  mountain,  so  dat  de  glasses  no  more  cannot  stand 
10 


110  THE    LETTER-BAG   OP 

up,  nor  de  sonp  sit  still  in  de  plate,  but  slide  about  as 
on  de  ice  when  it  is  slippare,  and  roll  over  in  one 
united  states  of  confusione,  passengare,  dinner,  and  all. 
We  have  one  dreadful  flare  up  every  night  in  de  cabin, 
which  fill  me  varry  full  brim  of  fear,  all  de  same  as 
one  light  house.  What  would  become  of  us,  if  we 
were  to  be  burned  in  de  watare  wid  fire  ?  I  do  not 
know,  so  many  peoples,  and  so  few  gigs  and  boots  to 
get  in,  and  so  great  way  off  is  de  land.  Candles  and 
lamps,  and  ceegars,  in  every  man's  mouth  widout 
nombre,  and  de  furnace  in  de  belly  of  the  ship,  all 
burning  at  de  same  instant  time,  make  it  dangerouse 
every  where,  and  tho  the  Captain  order  one  general 
blow  up  of  dem  all  at  ten  o'clock,  yet  I  vary  much 
fear  some  onderminded  person,  like  de  English  Law- 
yer, shall  put  de  candle  not  under  de  bushel  but  onder 
de  bed.  As  de  English  shall  be  vary  fond  of  fires  in  de 
night,  burning  barns,  and  stacks  of  hay,  and  of  corn, 
to  produce  one  grand  effect  politique  of  reform,  so  I 
would  take  de  liberty  to  send  you  one  sketch  imagina- 
tif  of  dat  horreable  event,  de  burning  of  de  Great  Wes- 
tern in  de  sea,  which  will  give  you,  I  hope,  mush  plea- 
sure to  see,  as  it  do  me  to  prepare  it  for  you  wid 
pencil.  When  I  was  well,  I  spend  my  time  vary 
agreeable  w^id  de  ladies  in  de  promenade  on  deck, 
when  de  wedare  shall  give  leave,  and  in  making  game 
at  cards  with  snatches  of  musich,  and  in  de  evening  in  de 
sheets  sketching  de  figures  grotesque  of  de  passengare 
estrangare,  and  in  ventriloquism,  which  produce  effect 
vary  comique,  but  de  passage  shall  come  over  almost 
so  fast  as  my  illness  was,  which  no  gave  me  mush 
time  for  company. 

So  soon  as  we  will  slip  our  cable  at  New  York,  I 
was  land,  and  come  visit  de  Yankee  of  New  England 
— de  Frenchman  of  Canada — de  savage  of  de  wood — 
de  black  of  de  sout — and  backwoodsman  wat  shoot 
wit  de  rifle — in  succession,  and  study  de  democracy 
of  de  gevernment.     It  is  a  country,  unique,  I  believe, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  Ill 

with  abundance  of  food.  Philosophique  for  refleclione. 
It  is  only  no  more  as  one-half  so  grand  a  conetry  as  de 
Americans  on  board  was  boast,  it  will  be  de  finest 
conetry  in  de  whole  universe  globe,  for  to  all  tings  dey 
say  splendid — magnifique — suparbe.  Certain,  dey  ap- 
pear one  people  drole.  Niagra  is,  widout  dout,  one 
grand  spectacle,  but  clumsy,  widout  shape  or  elegance, 
and  not  to  be  compared  to  de  sublime  water-works  of 
\^ersailles,  which  is  the  bouquet  of  all — de  first  in  de 
world.  But  to  estrangares,  who  was  not  visit  France, 
and  been  so  good  fortunate  as  to  see  that  grand  artifi- 
cial work  of  de  great  natione,  Niagra  may,  perhaps, 
appear  wonderful.  So  it  is  with  Vesuve,  in  like  man- 
ner. In  realita,  it  fall  vary  far  to  de  behind  of  de  im- 
maginatif,  in  fire-works  in  de  Champs  de  Mars,  in  de 
glorious  days  of  July,  at  Paris.  He  who  is  not  seen 
dat  city,  my  good  sare,  has  seen  just  noting  at  all 
where  nature  and  art  form  one  alliance,  intimate,  grace- 
ful, and  unique.  It  is  de  one  place  only  in  de  world, 
for  a  man  vot  has  taste-literaire,  imaginatif,  and  gas- 
tronomique.  What  dey  can  boast  with  truth,  goot 
right,  in  Amerique,  if  dey  only  had  de  taste  culinaire, 
which  dey  are  so  misfortunate  as  not  for  to  be,  is  de 
grand  reservoirs,  de  great  lakes,  and  immense  rivares 
of  fresh  watare,  make  for  dat  most  delicate  morceaux, 
de  frog,  which  I  hear  are  in  great  abundance  dare,  and 
very  fine,  sporting  demselves,  and  singing  night  and 
day,  like  veritable  birds,  though  de  musich  is  not  so 
good  as  dey  eat,  which  is  fit  for  a  king.  I  make  to 
myself  one  promise,  dey  shall  compensate  for  a  great 
deal  of  de  miseraire  in  de  table,  but  at  present,  I  liear 
it  is  so  much  throw  away  upon  dem,  as  pearls  before 
de  swine-pigs,  dey  are  so  ignorant,  and  barbare,  as  not 
even  to  know  de  dish,  but  for  make  laugh. 

In  England,  also,  is  one  vary  great  ting  wanted  in 
de  educatione  of  de  houses  commons  of  de  people,  is 
to  have  de  knowledge  of  de  art  to  cook  de  fare,  so  as 
to  make  it  fit  to  eat  for  de  palate  and  stomach — and, 


112  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

what  IS  more,  to  de  pockeet,  and  to  make  de  one-half 
food  dan  de  whole  go  furdare.  Den  you  will  hear  of 
starving  peoples  again  no  more,  as  before,  which  cannot 
be  oderwise  when  more  is  consumed  in  waste,  in  one 
day,  by  ignorance,  den  shall  render  for  de  whole  week, 
entire,  in  consumptione  necessaire.  It  is  more  better,  as 
cheaper,  and  let  goot  cooking  of  de  vitals  last  only  for 
five  year  in  de  conetry,  it  shall  wipe  up  the  nationale 
debt,  till  it  shall  be  no  more  seen,  and  noting  remain. 
Farte  else  have  enabled  France  to  support  de  army  of 
Napoleon,  or  w^ate  is  called  of  occupation,  which  was 
of  Prusse  and  Russe,  and  Anglaix,  w^hen  combined  in 
round  Paris,  but  de  art  to  cook  1  or  farte  now  hold  up 
de  grand  militaire  and  navy,  or  defray  de  debt  of  de 
natione,  which  is  not  commerciale,  or  manifacture,  but 
de  art  to  cook?  It  is  de  single  ting  necessaire  to  gen- 
eral happiness,  riches  and  health,  and  widout  it,  man  is 
no  more  as  a  savage,  who  was  waste  more  as  he  eats, 
and  eats  more  as  a  pig,  den  human  being. 

Lord  Brougham  (who  is  distinguish  more  for  what 
goes  out  of  his  mout,  den  what  goes  into  it)  have 
gone  boast,  "de  schoolmaster  is  abroad."  Veil !  farte 
of  all  dat?  de  schoolmaster  is  not  de  right  man,  aftare 
all ;  but  if  he  will  say  "  de  cook  is  abroad,"  den  he 
shall  speak  sense,  for  once,  ondeniable.  De  cook  is  de 
gentleman  dat  shall  make  von  grand  reform  in  de  En- 
glish natione,  more  better  as  ballot  or  universal  suf- 
ferage,  or  de  Lord  John  Russell  all  in  one  pile,  heap  up 
togedare.  De  John  Bull  vat  is  poor,  is  so  savage  as  a 
blood-hound — for  why  ?  because  he  feeds  on  raw  meet; 
de  chartist  is  wacked,  because  his  stomach  is  out  of  de 
order ;  and  so  is  de  radical  vary  cross  and  sour,  be- 
cause he  is  dispeptic,  bilious  and  troubled  wid  wind ; 
and  de  rish  man,  what  you  call  whig,  go  hang  and 
drown  himself  for  noting  at  all,  but  because  his  diges- 
tion is  bad.  Ah  !  my  dear  sare,  my  goot  friend,  de 
cook  is  de  doctare — de  statesman — de  true  patriot. 
Speak  of  educatione  nationale,  mon  dieu !  it  is  cooking 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  113 

nationale  vat  you  shall  vant ;    and  dis  do  put  mind 
in  me  to  go  talk  to  de  steward  about  de  dinnair,  so  I 
must  have  take  de  honore  to  subscribe  to  you 
Myself,  wid  great  respect, 

Your  obedient  servant, 

Frederick  Frelin. 


No.  XVL 
LETTER  FROM  AN  OLD  HAND. 

My  dear  James — 

Just  as  I  was  embarking  I  received  your  letter 
requesting  me  to  give  you  a  full  account  of  my  voyage, 
and  such  hints  as  might  be  useful  to  you  whenever 
you  shall  make  the  passage  yourself.  The  first  is  un- 
necessary, for  there  is  nothing  to  tell.  Every  man  is 
alike — every  woman  is  ahke.  They  are  more  alike 
than  the  miCn,  too  much  of  the  devil  in  all.  Every  ship 
is  ahke,  especially  steam  ships,  and  the  incidents  of 
one  voyage  are  common  to  all.  "  Facias  non  omni- 
bus una,  nee  tamen  diversa." 

The  company  usually  consists  of  young  officers 
joining  regiments ; — talk — Gibraltar — Cape — Halifax 
— Horse-guards — promotion  and  sporting:  of  naval 
men ;  talk — insults  to  flag — foreign  stations — crack 
frigates — round  sterns — Old  Admiral :  of  speculators ; 
talk — cotton — tobacco — flour :  of  Provincials  ;  talk — 
Durham — Head — Colborne — Poulette  Thompson  :  of 
travellers ;  talk — Mississippi — Niagara — Mahone  bay : 
of  women ;  talk — head-ache — amusements,  and  non- 
sense about  Byron :  of  Yankees ;  talk — Locofocos — 
10* 


114  THE    LETTER-BAG    OP 

go-ahead — dollars:  of  manufacturers;  talk — steam- 
factories — machinery :  of  blockheads,  who  chatter  like 
monkeys,  about  every  thing.  The  incidents  are  common 
to  all — fall  on  the  deck — wet  through — very  sick — bad 
wine — cold  dinner — rough  w^ater — shipped  a  sea,  and 
a  tureen  of  soup — spoke  a  ship,  but  couldn't  hear — 
saw  a  whale,  but  so  fiir  off,  only  a  black  line — feel 
sulky.  There  is  nothing  therefore  to  tell  you,  but 
what  has  been  told  a  thousand  times,  and  never  was 
worth  teUing  once.  But  there  are  a  few  maxims  worth 
knowing. 

1st.  Call  steward — enquire  the  number  of  your  cabin 
— he  will  tell  you  it  is  No.  1,  perhaps — ah!  very  well, 
steward,  here  is  half  a  sovereign  to  begin  with,  don't 
forget,  it  is  No.  1.  This  is  the  beginning  of  the  voy- 
age, I  shall  not  forget  the  end  of  it.  He  never  does 
lose  sight  of  No.  1,  and  you  continue  to  be  No.  1  ever 
after ;  best  dish  at  dinner,  by  accident,  is  always  before 
you,  best  attendance  behind  you,  and  so  on.  You  can 
never  say  with  the  poor  devil,  that  was  hen-pecked, 
"  the  first  of  the  tea,  the  last  of  the  coffee  for  poor 
Jemy." — /  always  do  this, 

2d.  If  you  are  to  have  a  chum,  take  a  young  one, 
and  you  can  have  your  own  way  by  breaking  him  in 
yourself — I  always  do. 

3d.  If  tha  berths  are  over  each  other,  let  the  young 
fellow  climb,  and  do  you  take  the  lowest  one,  it  is  bet- 
ter he  should  break  his  neck  than  you. — I  always  do. 

4th.  All  the  luggage  not  required  for  immediate  use, 
is  marked  "  below,"  don't  mark  yours  so  at  all,  and 
you  have  it  all  in  your  own  cabin,  where  you  know 
where  to  find  it  when  you  want  it.  It  is  not  then 
squeezed  to  death  by  a  hundred  tons  of  trunks.  If  you 
have  not  room  in  your  cabin  for  it  all,  hint  to  your 
young  chum,  he  has  too  much  baggage,  and  some  of 
it  must  go  "  below." — /  always  do  so. 

5th.  Don't  talk  French,  it  brings  all  those  chatter- 
ing, grimacery  fellows  about  you. — /  never  do. 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  115 

6th.  Make  no  acquaintance  with  women  on  two 
accounts ;  first,  they  have  no  business  on  board,  and 
secondly,  they  are  too  troublesome. — /  never  do, 

7th.  Never  speak  to  a  child,  or  you  can't  get  clear  of 
the  nasty  little  lapdog  thing  ever  afterwards. — Inevei^  do. 

8th.  Always  judge  your  fellow  passengers  to  be  the 
opposite  of  what  they  strive  to  appear  to  be.  For  in- 
stance, a  military  man  is  not  quarrelsome,  for  no  man 
doubts  his  courage.  A  snob  is.  A  clergyman  is  not 
over  strait-laced,  for  his  piety  is  not  questioned.  But  a 
cheat  is.  A  lawyer  is  not  apt  to  be  argumentative. 
But  a  doctor  is.  A  woman  that  is  all  smiles  and 
graces  is  a  vixen  at  heart.  Snakes  fascinate.  A 
stranger  that  is  obsequious  and  over-civil  without  ap- 
parent cause,  is  treacherous.  Cats  that  purr,  are  apt 
to  bite  and  scratch  like  the  devil.  Pride  is  one  thing, 
assumption  is  another ;  the  latter  must  always  get  the 
cold  shoulder,  for  whoever  shows  it  is  no  gentleman ; 
men  never  affect  to  be  what  they  are  not.  The  only 
man  who  really  is  what  he  appears  to  be,  is — a  gentle- 
man.— I  always  judge  thus, 

9th.  Keep  no  money  in  your  pockets — when  your 
clothes  are  brushed  in  the  morning,  it  is  apt — ahem — 
to  fall  out. — /  never  do. 

10th.  At  table,  see  what  wine  the  captain  drinks;  it 
is  not  the  worst. — /  ahcays  do, 

11th.  Kever  be  "at  home"  on  any  subject,  to  stupid 
fellows :  they  wont  "  call  again." — /  never  am, 

12th.  Never  discuss  religion  or  politics  with  those 
who  hold  opinions  opposite  to  yours ;  they  are  sub- 
jects that  heat  in  handling,  until  they  burn  your  fingers; 
never  talk  learnedly  on  topics  you  know,  it  makes 
people  afraid  of  you ;  never  talk  on  subjects  you  don't 
know,  it  makes  people  despise  you ;  never  argue,  no 
man  is  w^orth  the  trouble  of  convincing,  and  the  better 
you  reason  the  more  obstinate  people  become ;  never 
pun  on  a  man's  words:  it  is  as  bad  as  spitting  in  his 
face.     In  short,  whenever  practicable,  let  others  per- 


116  THE  letter*mg  or 

form,  and  do  you  look  on :  a  seat  in  the  dress-circle  is 
preferable  to  a  part  in  the  phy, —  This  is  my  rule, 

13th»  Be  always  civil,  and  no  one  will  wish  to  be 
rude  to  you;  be  ceremonious,  and  people  cannot  if  they 
would ;  impertinence  seldom  honours  you  with  a  visit, 
without  an  invitation — at  least. — I  ahoays  find  it  so. 

14th.  Never  sit  opposite  a  carving-dish;  there  is  not 
time  for  doing  pretty. — /  never  do. 

15th.  Never  take  a  place  opposite  a  newly  married 
couple;  it  is  a  great  many  things,  tiresome,  tantahzing, 
disgusting,  and  so  on. — /  never  do. 

16th.  Never  sit  near  a  subordinate  officer  of  the 
ship,  they  are  always  the  w^orst  served  and  are  too 
much  at  home  to  be  agreeable. — I  never  do. 

17.  Never  play  at  cards;  some  people  know  too 
little  for  your  temper,  and  others  too  much  for  your 
pocket. — I  never  do. 

18th.  There  is  one  person  to  whom  you  should  be 
most  attentive  and  obliging,  and  even  anticipate  his 
wants;  his  comfort  should  be  made  paramount  to  every 
other  consideration,  namely — yourself — /  always  do. 

There  are  many  other  corollaries  from  these  maxims, 
which  a  little  reflection  will  suggest  to  you,  but  it  is  a 
rule  never  to  write  a  long  letter. — I  never  do. 

Yours  always, 

John  Stagf'^. 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  117 


No.  XVII. 


LETTER 

FROM    AN   AMERICAN    CITIZEN   TO    HIS 
FRIEND  AT  BANGOR. 

Dear  Ichabod  — 

As  I  shall  cut  off  to  Harrisburg,  Pa.,  to-morrow 
as  soon  as  I  land,  and  then  proceed  to  Pittsville,  Ma., 
I  write  you  these  few  lines  to  inform  you  of  the  state 
of  things  in  general,  and  the  markets  in  particular. — 
Rice  is  rice,  though  the  tobacco-market  looks  black ; 
cotton  is  lighter,  and  some  brilliant  specs  have  been 
made  in  oil.  Pots  hang  heavy  in  hand,  and  pearl  is 
dull.  Tampico  fustic  is  moderate,  and  campeachy  a 
37 — 50 — 4  mos.  Whalebone  continues  firm.  Few 
transactions  have  taken  place  in  Bar  or  Pig,  and  iron 
generally  is  heavy.  Hung-dried  Chili  remains  high, 
but  Santa  Marthas  are  flat.  The  banks  and  large 
houses  look  for  specie,  but  long  paper  still  passes  in 
the  hands  of  individuals  and  little  houses  in  the  city. — 
This  is  all  the  news  and  last  advices ;  but  dear  Ich, 
what  on  airth  are  we  coming  to,  and  how  will  our  free 
and  enlightened  country  bear  the  inspection  brand 
abroad  ]  Will  not  our  name  decline  in  foreign  markets? 
The  pilot  has  just  come  on  board,  and  intimates  that 
the  Vice  President,  the  second  officer  of  this  first  of 
countries,  was  not  received  wdth  due  honour  at  New 
York.  He  says  that  the  Common  Council  could  not 
ask  him  to  thread  an  agrarian  band  of  Fanny-Wright 
men,  Offin  men,  Ming  men,  and  all  other  sorts  of  men, 
but  respectable  men ;  for  he  would  have  had  to  en 


118  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

counter  a  slough  of  Loco  Focoism,  that  no  decent  man 
would  wade  through.  It  is  scarcely  credible  that  so 
discreditable  an  event  should  occur  in  this  empire  city  ; 
but  it  is  the  blessed  fruit  of  that  cursed  tree  of  Van 
Burenism,  which  is  rotten  before  it  is  ripe,  and  un- 
like other  poisonous  fruit  is  not  even  attractive  in  out- 
ward appearance,  but  looks  bad,  tastes  bad,  and  oper- 
ates bad,  and  in  short,  is  bad  altogether. — But  of  all 
the  most  appalling  information  I  have  received  per  this 
channel  was  that  of  the  formation  of  twenty-four  new 
hose  companies. 

What?  said  I,  twenty-four  new  hose  companies?  Is 
the  stocking  business  going  ahead  ?  Is  it  to  cover  the 
naked  feet  of  the  shoe-less  Irish,  and  Scotch,  and  En- 
glish paupers,  that  cover  with  uncovered  legs,  like 
locusts,  this  happy  land — or  is  it  for  foreign  markets? 
Where  does  the  capital  come  from  ?  Is  it  a  spec,  or 
has  it  a  bottom  ?  No,  said  he,  shaking  his  head  ;  it  is 
a  dark  job  of  the  new-hghts,  the  Loco  Focos.  To  carry 
the  election  of  chief  engineer  of  the  firemen,  they  have 
created  twenty-four  new  companies  of  firemen,  called 
nose  companies,  which  has  damped  the  fire  and  extin- 
guished the  last  spark  of  hope  of  all  true  patriots.  It 
has  thrown  cold  water  upon  the  old  fire  companies, 
who  will  sooner  resign  than  thus  be  inundated.  This 
is  the  way  the  radicals  of  England  wanted  to  swamp 
the  House  of  Lords,  by  creating  a  new  batch  of  peers, 
baked  at  once ;  though  the  persons  for  peers  were  only 
half-baked,  or  under-done — but  they  did  not,  and  were 
not  allowed  to  glut  the  market  that  way. 

How  is  it  that  this  stale  trick  should  become  fresh, 
and  succeed  in  this  enlightened  land ;  this  abode  of 
freemen  ;  this  seat  of  purity,  and  pass  current  without 
one  solid,  genu  wine  ingredient  of  true  metal.  It  is  a 
base  trick,  a  barefaced  imposition,  a  high-handed  and 
unconstitutional  measure.  It  is  a  paltry  manoeuvre 
to  swindle  the  firemen  out  of  their  right  of  election. 
Yes,  Ich,  the   firemen  is  swamped,  and  the   sun  of 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  119 

liberty  has  gone  down  red  and  angry,  extinguished  in 
the  waters  of  popular  delusion.  Then,  for  heaven's 
sake,  look  at  Vicksburg ;  every  thing  looks  worse  and 
worse,  there ;  in  several  of  the  counties  they  have 
quashed  all  the  bonds,  in  some  there  are  no  courts,  in 
others,  the  sheriffs  pocket  the  money,  and  refuse  to 
shell-out  to  any  one.  In  one  instance,  a  man,  tried  for 
the  murder  of  his  wife,  escaped,  because  he  was  con- 
victed of  manslaughter;  and,  in  another,  a  person  in- 
dicted for  stealing  a  pig,  got  off  because  it  was  a  shote. 
They  ring  the  noses  of  the  judges  instead  of  the  pigs. 
From  cutting  each  other  up  in  the  papers  with  pens, 
they  now  cut  each  other  up  in  the  streets  with  bowie- 
knives,  and,  in  my  opinion,  will  soon  eat  one  another 
like  savages,  for  back-biting  has  become  quite  common. 
The  constitution  has  received  a  pretty  considerable 
tarnation  shock — that's  a  fact.  Van  Burenism  and 
Sub-Treasuryism  have  triumphed  ;  the  whig  cause  has 
gained  nothing  but  funeral  honours,  and  a  hasty  burial 
below  low-water  mark.  In  England,  Biddle  retiring 
from  the  bank,  has  affected  the  cotton  trade,  and  shook 
it  to  its  centre.  They  say,  if  it  paid  well,  why  did  he 
pay  himself  ofl'?  It  was  a  losing  concern,  it  was  a  loss 
to  lose  him ;  but  all  are  at  a  loss  to  know  the  reason 
of  his  withdrawing.  I  own,  I  fear  he  is  playing  the 
game  of  fast  and  loose.  The  breaking  of  that  bank 
would  affect  the  banks  of  the  Mississippi  as  well  as  the 
Ohio,  and  the  country  would  be  inundated  with  bad 
paper,  the  natural  result  of  his  paper  war  with  Jackson, 
the  undamming,  by  the  administration,  of  the  specie 
dammed  up  by  him  for  so  long  a  period — damn  them 
all,  I  say ! 

However,  Ich,  if  we  have  made  a  losing  concern  of 
it,  the  English  have  got  their  per  contra  sheet,  showing 
a  balance  against  them,  too.  They  are  going  to  lose 
Canada,  see  if  they  aint,  as  sure  as  a  gun;  and  if  they 
do,  I  guess  we  know  where  to  find  it,  without  any  great 
search  after  it,  either.     I  didn't  think,  myself,  it  was  so 


120  THE    LETTER-BAG    OP 

far  gone  goose  with  them,  or  the  fat  in  the  fire  half  so 
bad,  until  I  read  Lord  Durham's  report ;  but  he  says, 
"  my  experience  leaves  no  doubt  on  my  mind,  that  an 
invading  American  army  might  rely  upon  the  co-oper- 
ation of  almost  the  entire  French  population  of  Lower 
Canada."  Did  you  ever  hear  the  Hke  of  that,  Ich  1 
By  gosh,  but  it  was  worth  while  to  publish  that,  w^asn't 
it? 

Now  after  such  an  invitation  as  that  coming  from 
such  a  quarter  too,  if  our  folks ,dont  go  in  and  take  it 
they  ought  to  be  kicked  clean  away  to  the  other  side 
of  sundown,  hang  me  if  they  hadn't  ought.  Its  enough 
to  make  a  cat  sick  too,  to  hear  them  Goneys  to  Can- 
ada talk  about  responsible  government,  cuss  me  if  it 
aint.  They  dont  know  what  they  are  jawing  about 
them  fellows,  thats  a  fact.  I  should  like  to  know  whats 
the  use  of  mob  responsibility  when  our  most  responsi- 
ble treasurers  fobbed  five  miUions  of  dollars  lately  of 
the  public  money,  without  winking.  Where  are  they 
now  1  Why  some  on  em  is  in  France  going  the  whole 
figure,  and  the  other  rascals  at  home  snapping  the 
fingers  of  one  hand  at  the  people,  and  jingling  their 
own  specie  at  them  with  the  fingers  of  the  other  as 
sarcy  as  the  devil.  Only  belong  to  the  majority  and 
you  are  as  safe  as  a  thief  in  a  mill.  They  '11  carry 
you  through  the  mire  at  a  round  trot  as  stiff  as  a  ped- 
lar's horse. 

Its  well  enough  to  boast,  Ich,  of  our  Constitution 
afore  strangers, .  and  particularly  afore  them  colony 
chaps,  because  it  may  do  good,  but  I  hope  I  may  be 
most  pittikilarly  cussed,  if  I  wouldnt  undertake  to  drive 
a  stage  coach  and  four  horses  through  most  any  part 
of  it  at  full  gallop.  Responsibility  !  what  infernal  non- 
sense !  Show  me  one  of  all  our  public  defaulters  that 
deserved  hanging,  that  ever  got  his  due,  and  then  I  '11 
believe  the  word  has  got  some  meaning  in  it ;  but  the 
British  are  fools,  thats  a  fact — always  wqs  fools,  and 
always  will  be  fools  to  the  eend  of  the  chapter — and 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  121 

them  are  colonists  arn't  much  better,  I  hope  I  may  be 
shot  if  they  are.  The  devil  help  them  all  I  say,  till 
we  are  ready  for  them  and  then  let  them  look  out  for 
squalls,  thats  all.  Lord !  if  they  were  to  invade  us  as 
our  folks  did  them,  and  we  was  to  catch  them,  weed 
serve  them  as  Old  Hickory  did  Ambrister  and  Ar- 
buthonot  down  there  to  Florida  line,  hang  em  up  like 
onions  a  dozen  on  a  rope.  I  guess  they  wont  try  them 
capers  with  us.  They  know  a  trick  worth  two  of  that 
Tme  a  thinking. 

I  suppose  youve  heard  the  French  took  a  pilot  out 
of  a  British  gun-brig :  when  called  upon  for  explana- 
tion they  said  they  took  the  man-of-war  for  a  mer- 
chantman—  no  great  of  a  comphment  that,  was  it? 
but  John  Bull  swallowed  it  all,  though  he  made  awful 
wry  faces  in  getting  it  down.  As  our  minister  said, 
suppose  they  did  make  such  a  blunder,  what  right  had 
they  to  take  him  at  all  out  of  a  merchantman,  and  if 
it  was  a  mistake  why  didnt  they  take  him  back  again 
when  they  found  out  their  error  ?  He  was  such  an 
everlastin  overbearrin  crittur  himself  in  years  past  was 
John  Bull,  it  does  one  good  to  see  him  humbled,  and 
faith  he  gets  more  kicks  than  coppers  now.  It  ap- 
pears to  me  they  wouldnt  have  dared  to  have  done 
that  to  us,  dont  it  to  you  ?  Then  they  took  one  of  their 
crack  steam  frigates  for  a  Mexican.  Lord  !  that  was 
another  compliment,  and  they  let  drive  into  her  and 
playd  the  very  devil.  Nothing  but  another  mistake 
agin,  says  Bullfrog,  upon  my  vird  and  onare  vary 
soary,  but  I  did  not  know  you  my  goot  friend — no  I 
did  not  indeed — I  took  you  for  de  miserable  Mexican 
— You  vary  much  altared  from  de  old  time  what  went 
before — vary.  It  was  lucky  for  Johnny  Croppo  our 
Giniral  Jackson  hadn't  the  helm  of  state  or  he  'd  a 
taught  them  different  guess  manners  I'm  a  thinking. 
If  they  had  dared  to  venture  that  sort  of  work  to  us 
in  Old  Hickory's  time,  I  hope  I  may  be  skinned  aUve 
by  wild  cats  if  he  wouldn't  have  blowed  every  cussed 
11 


122  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

craft  they  have  out  of  the  water.  Lord  !  Ich,  he  'd  a 
sneezed  them  out,  cuss  me  if  he  wouldn't.  There  is 
no  mistake  in  Old  Hick,  I  tell  you.  If  he  isn't  clear 
grit — ginger  to  the  back  bone — tough  as  whip  leather 
— and  spunky  as  a  bull-dog,  it 's  a  pity,  that 's  all. 
I  must  say,  at  present  our  citizens  are  treated  with 
great  respect  abroad. 

His  Excellency  the  honourable  the  governor  of  the 
state  of  Quimbagog  lives  at  St.  Jimses,  and  often  dines 
at  the  palace.  When  they  go  to  dinner,  he  carries  the 
Queen  and  Melburne  carries  the  Dutchess  Kent.  Him 
and  the  Queen  were  considerable  shy  at  first,  but  the)* 
soon  got  sociable  and  are  quite  thick  now.  He  told 
the  company,  there  was  a  town  to  home  called  Vix- 
burg  after  (Melburne  says  ahem !  as  a  hint  not  to  go 
too  far — governor  winks,  as  much  as  to  say,  no  fear, 
I  take  you  my  boy),  so  called  from  vix,  scarcely,  and 
burga,  a  city,  which  place  had  become  famous  through- 
out America,  for  its  respect  for  the  laws,  and  that  many 
people  thought  there  was  a  growing  resemblance  be- 
tween England  and  it — Melburne  seed  the  bam  and 
looked  proper  vexed,  and  to  turn  the  conversation 
said :  shall  I  have  the  honour  to  take  wine  with  your 
Excellency  mister  governor  of  the  state  of  Quimbagog 
in  America,  but  now  a  guest  of  her  most  gracious 
Majesty.  They  say,  he  always  calls  it  an  honour 
when  he  asks  him  and  pays  him  the  respect  to  give 
him  all  his  titles,  and  when  he  asks  other  folks  he  says, 
pleasure,  and  just  nods  his  head.  That's  gratifying 
now,  aint  it? — The  truth  is,  we  stand  letter  a  No.  1. 
abroad,  and  for  no  other  reason  than  this,  the  British 
can  whip  all  the  world,  and  we  can  whip  the  British. 
— When  you  write  to  England  if  you  speak  of  this 
ship,  you  must  call  her  the  Great  Western  Steamer, 
or  it  may  lead  to  trouble,  for  there  are  two  Great 
Westerns,  this  here  ship,  and  one  of  the  great  men, 
and  they  wont  know  which  you  mean.  Many  mis- 
takes have  happened  already,  and  parcels  are  con- 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  123 

stantly  sent  to  his  address  in  that  way  that  are  intended 
for  America.  The  fact  is,  there  is  some  truth  in  the 
resemblance :  Both  their  trips  cost  more  money  than 
they  were  worth ;  both  raised  greater  expectations 
than  they  have  fulfilled ;  both  returned  a  plaguy-sight 
quicker  than  they  went  out — and  between  you  and  me 
and  the  post  both  are  inconveniently  big,  and  have 
more  smoke  than  power.  As  soon  as  I  arrange  my 
business  at  Pittsville  I  shall  streak  it  off  for  Maine  like 
lightning,  for  I  am  in  an  everlasting  almighty  hurry, 
I  tell  you,  and  hoping  to  see  you  w^ell  and  stirring,  and 
as  hearty  as  brandy, 

I  am,  dear  Ich, 

Yours  faithfully, 

Ei^NATHAN  Card. 

P.  S,     Keep  darh 

If  you  have  a  real  right  down  clipper  of  a  horse  in 
your  stable,  a  doing  of  nothing,  couldn't  you  jist  whip 
over  to  Portland  on  the  20th  to  meet  me  in  your 
waggon  ?  If  you  could  I  can  put  you  up  to  a  thing 
about  oils,  in  w^hich,  I  think,  we  could  make  a  con- 
siderable of  a  decent  spec,  and  work  it  so  as  to  turn  a 
few  thousand  dollars  slick.  General  Corncob  will  ac- 
commodate me  at  the  bank  with  what  w^e  w^ant,  for  it 
was  me  helped  him  over  the  fence,  when  he  was  non- 
plushed  last  election  for  senator  by  the  democratic  re- 
publicans, and  he  must  be  a  most  superfine  infernal 
rascal,  if  he  turns  stag  on  me  now.  Chew  on  it  at 
any  rate,  and  if  you  have  a  mind  to  go  snacks,  w^hy  jist 
make  an  arrand  for  something  or  another  to  the  bay, 
to  dr«.w  the  wool  over  folks'  eyes,  and  come  on  the  sly, 
and  you  w^ill  go  back  heavier,  I  guess,  than  you  come 
by  a  plaguy  long  chalk,  that's  a  fact. — Yours, 

E.G. 


124  THE   LETTER-BAG   OP 


No.  XVIII. 

LETTER 
FROM  ELIZABETH  FIGG  TO  JOHN  BUGGINS. 

Dear  Johw  — 

I  never  will  believe  nothing  I  hear,  till  I  see  it 
— never.  We  are  now  in  sight  of  America,  which  riz 
out  of  the  sea  this  morning  afore  breakfast,  and  is 
nothing  but  a  blue  spec  after  all,  and  no  bigger  than  a 
common  hill,  and  yet  this  is  the  land,  they  say,  is  so 
large,  that  you  have  to  travel  through  it  by  water. 
But  this  is  the  way  strangers  are  always  deceived  by 
travellers'  stories,  that  you  don't  know  how  much  to 
set  down  fabulous,  and  how  much  to  give  credit  to. 
I  arrived  in  due  course  by  coach  at  Bristol  the  same 
day  at  night  that  I  left  London,  and  was  picked  up  out 
of  the  bush  by  a  cab-man,  who  took  me  to  the  stairs ; 
but  he  was  a  villain,  like  many  more  that  I  could  name, 
at  Bristol  as  well  as  other  places.  Sais  he  is  it  a  single 
fair?  no  says  I,  I  am  married  to  John  Figg  this  seven 
years,  says  he,  I  mean  is  there  any  more  to  be  took 
in?  no  said  I,  I  hope  not,  and  I  trust  you  are  not  ago- 
ing for  to  take  me  in,  are  you  ?  with  that  he  shot  too 
the  door  with  a  grin  and  got  up  on  the  box,  and  I 
heard  him  say,  she  is  a  rum  one,  that's  sertain.  When 
we  got  to  Clifton  he  made  me  pay  ten  shillings,  I  wish 
you  would  see  to  it,  he  is  a  stout  man  with  a  red  face, 
and  you'll  know  him  by  his  waist-coat,  which  is 
red  too. 

After  that  I  took  a  voyage  down  the  river  to  where 
the  Great  Western  stood  waiting  for  us,  but  Gracious 
Powers  I  it  was  a  floating  station  for  a  rail  way.   Such 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  125 

a  confusion  no  one  did  ever  see.  I  was  told  when  I 
came  on  board  I  should  see  a  palace,  all  fit  for  the 
Queen,  so  elegant  and  so  clean,  the  wood  all  gilding 
and  the  moreens  all  silk,  and  the  rooms  all  state  rooms, 
and  as  for  liquor  nothing  but  hoc  and  shampain  would 
go  down,  and  every  thing  you  could  think  of,  besides 
ever  so  much  you  never  dreamed  of  all  your  life,  all 
provided  for  your  reception,  and  the  only  objection 
was  the  voyage  was  so  short,  you  got  but  little  use  of 
it  for  your  money.  Well  I  never !  if  it  aint  horred  to 
hoax  people  that  way,  I  declare ;  but  let  them  Bristol 
Quakers  alone  for  sly  ones  I  say — but  I  '11  not  get  be- 
fore my  story — you  shall  see  for  yourself  how  far 
things  come  up  to  the  mark  or  not. 

I  have  been  wretched  uncomfortable  in  this  steamer, 
for  what  in  the  world  is  the  use  of  all  the  gilding  and 
carving  and  pictures  and  splendor  that  ever  was  to 
you  when  you  are  sick  at  the  stomack  ?  Our  cabin 
has  two  boxes  in  it  called  births,  though  coffins  would 
be  nearer  the  thing,  for  you  think  more  of  your  other 
end  at  sea  a  great  deal.  One  of  these  is  situated  over 
the  other  like  two  shelves,  and  these  two  together  make 
what  the}^  call  a  state  room.  What  would  they  think 
at  the  real  palace,  of  such  a  state  room  as  this,  of  just 
a  closet  and  no  more,  for  the  queen  and  her  mother  to 
sleep  in,  and  no  dressing-room  nor  nothing?  but  you 
shall  hear  all.  My  birth  is  the  uppermost  one,  and  I 
have  to  climb  up  to  it  putting  one  foot  on  the  lower 
one,  and  the  other  away  out  on  the  wash-hand  stand, 
which  is  a  great  stretch  and  makes  it  very  straining ; 
then  I  lift  one  knee  on  the  birth,  and  roll  in  side  ways. 
This  is  very  inconvenient  to  a  woman  of  my  size,  and 
very  dangerous.  Last  night  I  put  my  foot  on  ]^rs. 
Brown's  face,  as  she  laid  asleep  close  to  the  edge  of 
the  lower  one,  and  nearly  put  out  her  eye,  and  I  have 
torn  all  the  skin  oiT  my  knees,  and  then  I  have  a  large 
black  spot  where  I  have  been  hurt,  and  my  head  is 
swelled.  To  dismount  is  another  feat  of  horseman- 
11* 


126  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

ship  only  fit  for  a  sailor.  You  can't  sit  up  for  the  floor 
over  head,  so  you  have  to  turn  round  and  roll  your 
legs  out  first,  and  then  hold  on,  till  you  touch  bottom 
some  where,  and  then  let  yourself  down  upright.  It  is 
dreadful  w^ork,  and  not  very  decent  for  a  delicate  fe- 
male if  the  steward  happens  to  come  in  when  you  are 
in  the  act  this  way.  I  don't  know  which  is  hardest, 
to  get  in  or  get  out  a  birth ;  both  are  the  most  diffi- 
cultest  things  in  the  world,  and  I  shall  be  glad  when  I 
am  done  with  it.  I  am  obligated  to  dress  in  bed,  afore 
I  leave  it,  and  nobody  that  hasn't  tried  to  put  on  their 
clothes  lying  down  can  tell  what  a  task  it  is.  Lacing 
stays  behind  your  back,  and  you  on  3^our  face  nearly 
smothered  in  bed  clothes,  and  feeling  for  the  eylet  hole 
with  one  hand,  and  trying  to  put  the  tog  in  with  the 
other,  while  you  are  rolling  about  from  side  to  side,  is 
no  laughing  matter.  Yesterday  I  fastened  on  the  pil- 
low to  my  bustler  by  mistake,  in  the  hurry,  and  never 
knew  it,  till  people  laughed  at  me  and  said  tlie  sea 
agreed  with  me  I  had  grown  so  fat.  But  putting  on 
stockings  is  the  worst,  for  there  aint  room  to  stoop  for- 
ward, so  you  have  to  bring  your  foot  to  you,  and 
stretching  out  on  your  back,  lift  up  your  leg  till  you 
can  reach  it,  and  then  drag  it  on.  Corpulent  people 
can't  do  this  so  easy,  I  can  tell  you.  It  always  gives 
me  the  cramp  and  takes  away  my  breath.  You  would 
pity  me  if  you  could  conceive  John,  but  you  can't, — 
nobody  but  a  woman  can  tell  what  a  female  suffers 
being  confined  in  a  birth  at  sea.  Then  I  get  nothing 
hardly  to  eat,  for  I  sit  between  a  German  and  a 
Frenchman,  and  if  I  ask  one  to  help  me,  he  says — 
"  neat  for  stain,"  which  means,  I  am  afraid  to  dirt  my 
fingers ;  and  the  other  keeps  saying,  "  Je  non  ton  Pa," 
I  aint  your  father;  and  when  I  call  steward,  he  says, 
"  Yes  mame,  comeing  directly,"  and  he  never  comes 
at  all.  Then  the  doctor  says,  Mrs.  Figg,  what  w^ilt 
you  take — is  there  any  thing  I  can  give  you  ?  He  says 
this  every  day  at  dinner,  and  it  kills  me,  the  very  idea. 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  127 

At  last  I  said  to  him,  Do  pray  doctor  dont  mention  it, 
I  am  sick  enough  already,  and  you  really  turn  my  sto- 
mach. Oh !  John,  I  suffer  more  than  mortal  can  ima- 
gine. The  biscuit  is  as  hard  as  a  dutch  tile  and  it  is 
easier  to  crack  a  tooth  than  to  crack  that,  but  may  be 
it  is  only  my  weakness — and  the  vinegar  tastes  sweeter 
to  me  than  the  wine,  but  perhaps  that 's  all  owing  to 
the  sourness  of  my  stomach.  Indeed  it's  little  that 
goes  down  my  throat  which  seems  to  be  turned  upside 
down  and  acts  the  other  way.  If  all  the  passengers 
is  like  me,  the  Captain  will  have  a  profitable  voyage 
of  it,  I  am  sure,  for  I  can  neither  eat  nor  drink  any 
thing — and  what  I  live  on,  Gracious  only  knows,  for 
I  don't. 

We  have  had  a  terrific  gale  ever  since  we  left,  and 
the  motion  is  dreadful.  You  never  see  any  thing  like 
the  sea,  when  its  fairly  up ;  its  like  a  galloping  boil,  it 
froths  and  rolls  over,  and  carries  on  tremendous. 
Sometimes  it  pitches  into  the  vessel,  and  sometimes  the 
vessel  pitches  into  it,  and  sometimes  they  both  pitch  to- 
gether, and,  then,  words  is  wanting  to  paint  it  out  in 
true  colours.  At  such  times,  the  trunks  slide  about  the 
floor,  as  if  they  was  on  the  ice,  and  it  is  as  much  as 
your  legs  is  worth  to  be  among  them  a  minute.  Every 
thing  I  have  is  either  wet  or  torn ;  my  new  silk  bonnet 
is  all  scruntched  flat,  by  Mrs.  Brown  falling  down  on 
it ;  and,  what's  worse  is,  to  have  my  bum-be-seen  look- 
ing no  better  than  the  cook's,  it  has  got  all  soiled,  and 
a  great  spot  on  it  that  I  can't  get  off,  do  what  I  will. 
The  place  underneath  is  very  hot,  and  the  air  so  long 
confined  that  comes  from  there,  aint  pleasant  at  all,  it 
makes  me  feel  very  frail.  But  that  aint  the  worst  of 
it,  the  doors  are  all  painted  so  beautiful,  and  look  so 
romantic,  that  they  didn't  like  to  number  them,  for  fear 
of  spoiling  the  pictures  on  them ;  and  it  tante  very  easy 
to  tell  which  is  w^hich,  or  whose  is  whose ;  and  there 
is  a  great  German  officer  always  opening  my  door,  by 
mistake,  and,  sometimes,  won't  be  convinced  till  he 


128  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

looks  me  in  the  face,  and  then  its — oh,  I  pegs  porton, 
madam,  I,  too,  indeed,  I  mishtookt  it  for  mine  own,  so 
I  tid.  It  frightens  me  so,  I  am  afraid  to  do  anything, 
amost,  for  fear  of  his  great  whiskered  face  come  pop- 
ing in  upon  me.  It  is  a  dreadful  Hfe,  dear  John  ;  no 
one  knows  what  it  is,  but  them  that's  tried  it,  and  them, 
too,  that's  sea-sick,  and  is  females.  The  partitions, 
too,  are  so  very  thin,  you  can  hear  all  kinds  of  noises, 
just  as  plain  as  if  it  was  in  the  same  room,  which  is 
very  inconvenient  and  disagreeable.  My  next  neigh- 
bour is  a  Frenchman,  he  is  very  ill,  and  is  always  call- 
ing some  jew  or  another  that  never  c^mes.  It  is  pitia- 
ble to  hear  him  crying  all  day,  O  mon  jew,  mon  jew ! 
Sometimes,  just  as  I  feel  exhausted  and  quiet,  from 
weakness,  he  begins  reaching,  so  dredful,  that  it  sets 
me  off  again,  and  I  think  I  shall  never  stop;  and,  as 
for  the  steward,  as  there  is  no  bells,  and  he  is  a  mile 
off,  you  might  as  w^ell  call  from  Dover  to  Calais,  and 
expect  to  be  heard  ;  and  if  you  catch  a  glimpse  of  an- 
other servant,  he  says,  yes,  marm,  and  you  never  see 
him  again,  or,  if  you  do,  you  don^t  know  him,  they  are 
so  numerous,  and  being  mulattoes,  you  can't  tell  them 
apart.  The  black  girls,  or  *jets  does,'  as  the  French 
call  them,  are  so  busy,  they  do  nothing  at  all,  but  chase 
each  other  round  and  round.  You  want  a  gentleman 
at  sea  very  much,  more  than  any  where  else ;  and,  if 
poor  Mr.  Figg  hadn't  unfortunately  had  to  leave  Eng- 
land rather  unexpectedly,  I  shouldn't  have  been  in  such 
a  primminary  as  I  am.  You  aint  much  better  off,  on 
deck,  for,  when  the  ship  pitches  or  rolls,  you  are  apt 
to  lose  your  stool,  and  whatever  happens  at  sea,  either 
from  a  fall,  or  getting  in  a  spree,  every  one  laughs. 
There  is  no  sympathy  here,  for  no  one ;  and  politeness 
is  not  the  order  of  the  day,  when  people  are  not  invited 
for  company,  but  pay  their  way,  and  no  thanks  to  any 
one.  How  times  is  altered  with  me,  since  I  was  a 
belle,  and  all  Hackney  rung  with  my  name  and  fortin, 
and  it  was  whose  arm  I  should  take,  and  who  should 


THE    GREAT    WESTERNT.  129 

be  the  happy  man,  and  a  smile  was  too  much  pay  for 
any  trouble — or,  rather,  trouble  was  a  pleasure.  Bum- 
pers didn't  mean  what  bumpers  does  now  ;  and  running 
bump  agin  you,  and  most  knocking  you  over,  is  a  very 
different  thing  from  having  your  health  drank  in  toast, 
the  men  all  standing  unkivered,  and  having  it  done 
whenever  opportunity  offered.  But  men  aint  what 
men  was,  and  a  steamer  aint  a  corporation  ball,  though 
they  do  call  it  a  palace,  nor  nothing  Hke  it;  and,  al- 
though I  am  no  longer  Betsey  Buggins,  that  was,  yet 
I  am  not  much*  altered,  unless  it  be  I  'me  a  little  more 
"  om  bum  point  "  than  I  was,  which,  some  people  say, 
is  more  becoming.  Besides,  being  married,  looks  is  of 
no  more  consequence  than  dress,  unless  it  should  be  my 
fortune  to  marry  again,  which,  Mr.  Figg's  declining 
health,  I  fear,  renders  not  impossible,  if  ever  I  could 
bring  myself  to  think  of  another,  which  aint  probable. 
But,  poor  Mr.  Figg  is  greatly  changed,  and  enjoys 
very  bad  health ;  he  aint  the  same  man  he  was,  and 
has  fell  away  to  nothing,  until  he  is  a  mere  atomy. 
But,  I  trust  in  Providence,  if  yellow  fever  don't  do  for 
him,  change  of  air  will. 

Hoping  this  will  find  you  in  good  health  and  spirits, 
I  am,  dear  brother, 

Your  faithful  sister, 

Elizabeth  Figg. 

P.  S.  If  you  see  Mrs.  Hobbs,  tell  her  I  am  much 
beholden  to  her,  for  her  kindness  in  saying  Mr  Figg 
and  me  left  England  serruptitious,  on  account  of  a  de- 
rangement of  affairs,  but  ill  health  of  Mr.  Figg,  from 
being  kept  at  it  from  morning  till  night,  was  the  sole 
cause ;  for  thank  goodness,  we  can  retire  when  we 
please  at  any  moment  and  enjoy  ourselves,  if  he  was 
only  as  able  as  he  once  was  in  bodily  strength.  As 
far  as  means  goes,  we  have  it,  and  enough  to  spare,  to 
purchase  her  and  Mr.  Hobbs  out  any  day,  and  set 
them  up  again,  and  not  miss  it.     I  most  wonder  some 


130  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

people  aint  ashamed,  to  show  their  red  faces,  when  it's 
well  known  that  water  never  causes  red  noses.  But 
I  scorn  to  retaliate  on  people  that's  given  to  sich  low 
habits,  only  some  folks  had  better  see  the  brandy  blos- 
soms on  their  own  faces,  before  they  find  beams 
in  other  people's  characters.  I  hate  such  deceitful 
wretches  as  is  so  civil  to  your  face,  and  the  moment  - 
your  back  is  turned  find  nothing  too  bad  to  say  of 
you,  but  this  is  not  worth  breath,  and  that's  the  truth. 

E.  FiGG. 


No.  XIX. 

LETTER 

FROM  THE  SON  OF  A  PASSENGER. 

Dear  Bob — 

Guess  where  I  am  now,  my  boy.  Do  you 
give  it  up  ?  Well,  I  'm  on  board  the  Great  Western, 
I  am  upon  my  soul !  Father  has  gone  to  America  to 
take  Bill,  the  Ceylon  Missionary  boy,  home  to  his 
friends,  and  I  am  off  with  him  in  this  steamer,  and  it's 
hurrah  for  Yankee  town,  and  the  Lord  knows  where 
all !  It's  as  good  fun  as  a  fair,  and  there  is  such  a 
crowd  all  the  time,  you  can  just  do  what  you  please, 
and  no  one  find  you  out.  Sliding  on  the  wet  deck 
above  the  saloon,  when  the  passengers  are  at  dinner, 
makes  it  nice  and  slippery,  and  when  they  come  up, 
not  thinking  of  slides  or  any  thing  of  the  kind,  away 
they  go  head  over  heels  all  in  a  heap — such  scream- 
ing among  the  girls  a  showing  of  their  legs,  and  such 
damning  among  the   men  about  greasy  decks,  you 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  131 

never  heard.  Then  dropping  a  piece  of  orange  peel 
before  a  Frenchman,  when  he  goes  prancing  about 
the  deck,  sends  him  flying  a  yard  or  so  till  he  comes 
on  all  fours,  where  he  wallops  about  like  a  fish  just 
caught.  But  the  best  fun  is  putting  shot  under  the 
feet  of  the  camp  stools,  when  nobody  is  looking,  it 
makes  the  women  kick  up  their  heels  like  donkeys.  I 
have  to  give  my  old  Governor  a  wide  berth,  for  he 
owes  me  a  thrashing,  but  he  is  lame  and  can't  catch 
me.  He  is  proper  vexed. — I  stole  a  leaf  out  of  his  ser- 
mon last  Sunday,  and  when  he  came  to  the  gap,  he 
stopped,  and  first  looked  ahead,  and  then  back  again, 
and  at  last  had  to  take  a  running  leap  over  it — my 
eyes,  what  a  laugh  there  was !  The  last  words  were 
"  the  beauty  "  and  the  next  page  began,  of  the  devil 
and  all  his  works.  He  coughed,  and  stammered,  and 
then  blew  his  nose,  and  then  coloured  up  as  red  as  a 
herring,  and  gave  me  a  look,  as  much  as  to  say — 
"  you'll  catch  it  for  this,  my  boy,  I  know;"  but  there 
is  one  good  thing  about  the  old  man  too,  he  dont  carry 
a  grudge  long.  When  he  came  back  to  his  cabin, 
says  he  to  the  Ceylon  boy,  Wilham,  says  he,  these  pas- 
sengers behave  very  ill,  very  ill,  indeed — what  made 
them  laugh  so  when  I  was  going  into  the  cabin  and 
coming  out  again.  They  must  be  very  loose  people, 
to  behave  in  this  unhandsome  manner.  It  is  very  un- 
becoming. What  were  they  laughing  at,  do  you 
know?  At  the  white  shirts  of  the  negroes,  says  I, 
winking  to  Bill,  but  confound  him,  he  would  not  take 
a  hint.  I  believe  it  was  this,  sir,  said  Bill,  who  was 
always  a  spooney,  taking  up  the  back  of  his  gown  and 
showing  him  a  card,  I  took  oft' one  of  the  boxes  and 
stuck  there,  "  This  side  up,  to  be  kept  dry." 

But  the  greatest  fun  I  have  had  is  with  an  old  Ger- 
man named  Lybolt,  of  Philadelphia  or  Pennsylvania 
or  some  such  place  in  the  States.  He  sleeps  next  birth 
to  us.  Well,  I  goes  and  picks  out  a  piece  of  putty  in 
the  partition  just  near  his  head,  and  when  he  is  fast 


132  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

asleep  snoring,  lets  drive  a  squirt  full  of  water  right 
into  his  face  and  mouth.  Oh !  mine  Cot !  mine  Cot ! 
the  old  fellow  sings  out,  varte  a  leak  dat  is !  I  am  all 
wet  so  I  am,  most  trowned  in  my  ped.  Steward,  do 
kome  here,  steward  !  Well,  the  steward  comes  and 
he  can't  find  the  leak,  for  in  the  mean  time  I  claps 
back  the  putty  as  snug  as  a  bug  in  a  rug.  May  be 
you  was  sick  in  your  sleep  and  didn't  know  it,  says 
the  steward.  Cot  for  tam !  I  tell  you  no — it's  vater, 
don't  you  see  ?  Or  perhaps  you  spilt  it  out  of  the  ba- 
sin? Dunder  and  bhtzen !  you  plack  villain,  do  you 
mockey  me,  sir?  what  for  you  mean?  and  away  goes 
the  steward,  and  next  day  comes  the  carpenter,  and 
next  night  comes  the  squirt  again.  He  '11  go  mad  yet 
will,  old  '  Tousand  Dey  vils  !'  see  if  he  don't. 

After  dinner  I  gets  down  to  the  other  end  of  the 
table,  where  the  old  Governor  can't  see  me,  and  gets 
lots  of  wine  and  good  things,  especially  among  the 
Jews.  Them  are  the  boys  for  champaign.  I  always 
understood  they  w^ere  close-fisted  curmudgems  that 
wouldn't  spend  a  farthing,  but  they  tucks  in  the  wine 
in  great  style.  It  would  do  you  good  to  see  them  turn- 
ing up  the  whites  of  their  eyes  and  taking  an  observa- 
tion out  of  the  bottom  of  their  glass.  I  wouldn't  be  a 
slice  of  ham  in  them  fellows'  way  for  something.  They 
eat  and  drink  as  if  they  never  saw  food  before.  But 
coming  out  of  the  companion  way  in  a  crowd  in  the 
dark,  and  giving  a  pinch  on  the  sly  to  the  mulatto  girl 
on  the  stairs,  till  she  squeals  again  like  a  stuck  pig  and 
abuses  the  passengers  for  no  gentlemen,  and  every  one 
crying  out  shame,  is  great  sport.  There  is  a  great  big 
Irishman  from  Giant's  Causeway  that  has  got  the  cre- 
dit of  it,  and  every  American  says  it  is  just  like  an 
Irish  blackguard  that.  If  you  'd  see  the  coloured  ser- 
vants, what  looks  they  give  old  Potatoe,  it  would  do 
you  good.  They  '11  murder  him  if  they  catch  him  in 
New  York.  I  wouldn't  be  in  Pat's  jacket  for  a  shilling, 
I  know. 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  133 

Oh !  Bob,  I  wish  you  was  here ;  we  'd  have  a  noble 
time  of  it  if  you  was.  As  it  is,  Bill  is  so  cursed  soft, 
and  such  a  coward,  he  won't  join  in  a  lark,  and  I  am' 
frightened  out  of  my  Hfe  for  fear  he  will  peach  on  me. 
I  hav^e  threaten'd  to  cut  the  liver  out  of  him  if  he  does. 
I  am  almost  afraid  he  has  already,  for  the  mate  said 
to  me  to-day,  *  Come  here  you  young  sucking  parson, 
you.  If  you  don't  give  over  cutting  those  shines,  I  '11 
make  your  breech  acquainted  with  a  bit  of  the  haul- 
yards  before  you  are  many  days  older,  I  'm  beggar'd 
if  I  don't — so  mind  your  eye,  my  hearty,  or  you  '11 
catch  it,  I  tell  you.'  You  will,  will  you  ?  says  I — you 
know  a  trick  worth  two  of  that,  I  'm  thinking,  and  if 
you  don't  there's  them  on  board  will  teach  it  to  you. 
So  none  of  your  half-laughs  to  me.  I  can't  say  I  liked 
it  though,  for  all  that,  for  he  looks  like  a  fellow  that 
would  be  as  good  as  his  word,  and  if  I  do  catch  it  I 
will  pay  master  Bill  off  for  it  when  I  get  him  ashore, 
I'me  blowed  if  I  don't.  There  is  nothing  I  hate  so 
much  as  a  tattler. 

Board  ship  is  a  fine  place  for  old  clothes ;  what  with 
tar  and  grease  and  tearing,  you  get  rid  of  them  all  in 
no  time.  I  have  made  all  my  Sunday  clothes  old,  and 
worn  all  my  old  ones  out,  so  that  I  shall  come  out  in  a 
new  rig  at  New  York,  as  fine  as  examination  day,  and 
try  for  a  long  coat  and  french  boots,  if  I  can  come 
round  the  old  man.  Remembering  his  texts  and  prais- 
ing his  sermons  generally  does  that.  I  think  I  am  too 
big  now  for  short  jacket  and  trousers.  Jim  Brown 
warn't  so  tall  as  me  by  half  an  inch  when  he  give 
them  up,  though  he  w^as  a  year  older.  Besides  in 
course  a  long  coat  has  more  pocket  money  than  a 
coatee,  and  servants  dont  treat  you  any  longer  as  a 
child  and  aint  afraid  to  trust  you  with  a  horse.  Now 
if  I  go  to  smoke,  every  one  says,  look  at  that  brat 
smoking,  what  a  shame  it  is  for  the  parson  to  let  that 
boy  use  a  cigar !  just  as  if  I  hadnt  as  good  a  right  as 
they  have,  the  lubbers.  Oh!  yes,  dear  Bob,  I  wish 
12 


134  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

with  all  my  heart  you  was  here,  it  would  make  you 
split  your  sides  a  laughing  to  see  how  putting  broke 
glass  into  boots  makes  fellows  limp  like  beggars  and 
sing  out  for  boot  Jacks,  and  how  running  pins  into 
cushions  makes  the  women  race  off  screaming  and 
scratching;  but  there  aint  so  much  fun  when  you  have 
to  do  it  all  yourself,  and  no  one  besides  to  laugh  with 
at  the  joke,  it  makes  it  dull  sport  after  all.  I  expect  I 
shall  be  caught  yet,  but  if  I  am,  and  had  up  for  it  afore 
the  old  Governor,  I  will  swear  it  was  all  Bill,  for  he 
deserves  a  hiding,  the  coward,  for  not  joining  in  it. 

I  am  to  have  all  holidays  while  I  am  gone  except  a 
lesson  every  day  in  Latin  grammar,  but  I  have  been 
all  over  it  before,  so  it  will  take  no  time  at  all  to  do  it. 
When  I  get  to  New  York  I  will  write  you  again  and 
let  you  know  what  sort  of  a  place  it  is  and  how  the 
Yankee  girls  look,  and  if  I  get  my  long  coat  out  of 
father,  I  '11  have  fine  fun  among  them.  I  dont  Hke  to 
speak  to  them  now,  for  short  coats  looks  foolish.  Re- 
member me  to  all  the  boys  and  particularly  to  Betty 
housemaid  and  believe  me  dear  Bob 

Your  faithful  friend, 

To3i  Trotter. 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  13& 


No.  XX. 

LETTER 

FROM  THE  PROFESSOR  OF  STEAM  AND 
ASTRONOMY,  OTHERWISE  CALLED  THE 
CLERK,  TO  THE  DIRECTORS. 

Gentlemen  — 

A  becoming  consideration  for  my  own  char- 
acter in  literary  attainments  which  primarily  procured 
for  me  the  honour  of  an  introduction  to  the  unincor- 
porated board  of  directors  of  the  Great  Western  and 
their  unanimous  election  to  the  situation  I  have  the 
pleasure  to  fill  of  principal  in  their  academical  school 
for  scientific  and  nautical  training  of  their  junior  offi- 
cers, compels  me  to  announce  most  reluctantly  but 
peremptorily  and  decidedly  that  if  it  is  intended  to 
initiate  those  young  gentlemen  thoroughly  in  their  pro- 
fession it  must  be  effected  on  shore,  and  that  this  ma- 
rine seminary  will  inevitably  sink  in  public  estimation 
if  kept  afloat  on  board  of  the  Steamer.  It  cannot  be 
denied  with  a  due  regard  to  truth  and  veracity,  that 
the  young  gentlemen  whose  minds  are  fitted  naturally 
with  'expansive  gear,'  have  their  astronomical  and 
mathematical  problems  at  what  is  vulgarly  called  their 
finger  ends,  because  every  thing  that  is  approached 
with  tarry  fingers  usually  adheres  to  them  pertina- 
ciously ;  but  that  is  not  the  sort  of  acquirements  most 
to  be  desired,  nor  can  »the  calculations  which  are  so 
abstruse  and  difficult  be  executed  with  accuracy  and 
precision,  where  the  jarring  of  the  boat  converts  O'ts 
into  6'ss  and  I's  into  3's,  and  so  disfigures  (if  I  may  use 


136  THE    LETTER-BAG   OP 

the  expression)  every  figure  that  it  is  no  longer  to  be 
recognized  by  the  hand  that  traced  its  configuration. 
In  the  same  manner  a  complex  motion,  compounded 
of  pitching,  rolling  and  vibrating,  is  utterly  destructive 
and  subversive  of  certainty  in  taking  meridianal  alti- 
tudes, especially  when  to  these  difficulties  is  added  a 
speed  of  twelve  miles  an  hour  with  all  steam  on  and 
15  revolutions. 

The  damp  and  moist  exhalations  evolved  by  water, 
heated  to  419°,  pervading  the  interior  of  the  lecture- 
room,  by  insinuating  itself  through  the  insterstices  and 
crevices  of  the  ship,  obliterates  from  the  slates  all 
traces  or  distinctness  of  arithmetical  and  algebraical 
figures,  and  before  calculations  are  terminated  the  pri- 
mary part  is  obfuscated  by  the  occultations  of  steam, 
and  by  the  time  assiduous  application  has  restored  it, 
we  have  the  same  mortification  arising  in  the  other 
extremity.  Discouraging  as  these  difficulties  unques- 
tionably are,  they  are  altogether  insignificant,  when 
compared  to  the  obstructions  arising  from  the  noises 
produced  by  the  vociferous  bleating  of  calves  and 
sheep,  the  incessant  lowing  of  cows,  the  acute  intona- 
tions of  swine,  the  cackling  of  poultry,  the  discordant 
voices  of  two  hundred  people,  the  uproar  of  the  ele- 
ments, the  noise  of  the  ponderous  machinery,  and  the 
thunder  of  the  ever-revolving  wheels;  amidst  these 
numerous,  complicated,  and  perplexing  distractions,  to 
abstract  the  attention  and  apply  it  to  abstruse  studies, 
is  an  effort  not  to  be  expected  from  juvenile  minds  and 
exuberant  spirits,  more  especially,  when,  to  learn, 
implies  an  absence  of  knowledge ;  and  the  very  act 
of  resorting  to  a  professor,  imphes  an  insinuation  of 
either  overgrown  ignorance  to  young  men,  or  of  boyish 
age,  incompatible  with  manly  stature,  either  of  which 
suppositions  is  repugnant  to  aspiring  youth,  desirous  to 
be  classed  among  men,  especially  by  women.  There 
is  no  "  indicator,"  that  I  know  of,  to  the  machinery  of 
the  mind  ;  and  the  only  way  of  ascertaining  results  is,  to 


THE    GREAT    "WESTERN".  137 

apply  the  "  Camm  "  of  seclusion  "  to  cut  off  the  stroke," 
as  it  is  called,  and  mark  the  advance  made  in  relation 
to  time  and  study  given.  A  manifestation  of  reluc- 
tance, or,  rather,  a  resistance  to  deferential  respect,  to 
the  superior  attainments  and  acquisitions  of  the  princi- 
pal, is,  therefore,  to  be  expected,  as  much  as  it  is  to  be 
deplored  and  lamented,  as  well  as  for  the  young  gentle- 
man, on  the  one  hand,  as  by  the  professor  on  the  other ; 
^or  it  is  obvious  to  the  most  superficial  understanding 
of  the  directors,  that,  where  there  is  no  obedience, 
there  can  be  no  authority;  and  where  no  progress  is 
made  in  studies,  there  can  only  be  a  corresponding  ab- 
sence of  advancement  in  learning.  Unless  the  mind  is 
well  stored,  and  constantly  kept  in  full  employment,  it 
is  apt  to  generate  more  "  clinker,"  than  any  thing  else. 
The  valves  require  daily  overhauling,  and  the  waste 
ones  to  be  "  disconnected,"  or  it  is  impossible  to  make 
any  progress.  Men,  who  come  dripping  wet  from  their 
duties,  are  not  in  a  fit  state  for  dry  sciences ;  and,  to 
be  both  officers  and  boys,  juvenesque  senesque — com- 
manding on  deck  one  moment,  and  obeying  under  deck 
the  next,  approximate  as  incompatible  with  human  na- 
ture, and  the  working  of  the  machinery  of  the  mind. 

Steering  in  a  straight  line,  by  point  of  compass,  as  is 
done  in  a  steamer,  is  apt  to  superinduce  upon  the  va- 
cuum of  youthful  understanding,  a  belief,  that  naviga- 
tion is,  what  those  young  gentlemen  facetiously  and 
technically  call,  "  all  in  my  eye,"  and  that  a  direction 
once  given,  has  only  to  be  followed  to  attain  the  end 
of  the  voyage,  by  keeping  the  eye  fixed  steadily  on  the 
compass,  an  opinion  not  more  unfounded  and  irrelevant, 
than  unsafe  and  precarious,  whether  it  regards  the  at- 
tainment of  knowledge,  or  the  discovery  of  the  port 
or  haven  of  ultimate  destination.  Female  passengers, 
I  may  be  permitted  to  observe,  are  too  powerful  mag- 
nets not  to  cause  serious  variations  from  duty,  in  the 
young  men,  and  occasion  them  to  camber,  or  break 
down  in  life.  Studying  the  needle  is  not  the  most  im- 
12* 


138  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

portant  pursuit  in  the  whole  compass  of  duty  that  it 
forms  one  of  its  most  prominent ;  and  I  am  painfully  con- 
vinced that  the  cadets,  who  may  be  said  to  be  in  their 
summer  solstice,  are  more  desirously  solicitous  about 
their  own  figures  (which  is  the  zenith  of  their  ambition.) 
than  mathematical  ones  ;  and  such  conduct  must,  in- 
evitably, reduce  them  to  the  nadir  of  mere  cyphers. 
This  sort  of  distinction  was  so  well  known  to  the  great 
lexicographer,  that  he  has  most  appropriately  and  po- 
litely added  it,  by  way  of  insinuation  to  most  words, 
implying  youthful  errors — mishap — mistake — misfor- 
tune— misunderstanding — mischief — misled — misery — 
and  many  others.  Here  they  are  exposed  more  than 
any  other  place,  I  know  of,  to  the  blandishments  of  the 
sex ;  and,  I  know  not  how  it  is,  but  I  have  often  ob- 
served there  is  a  natural,  an  alliterative,  and,  perhaps, 
a  chemical  affinity  between  petty  officers  and  petty- 
coats. — Dulce  ridentum  Lalagen  amabo — Dulce  Lo- 
quentem. 

Indeed,  by  the  universal  laws  of  motion,  the  amount 
of  attraction  is  directly  as  the  quantity  of  matter,  and 
inversely  as  the  squares  of  the  distances,  which  shows 
how  all-pervading  it  must  be  on  board  of  ship.  To  at- 
tempt a  course  of  study  with  young  men  under  such 
noxious  and  powerful  influences  as  female  eyes,  is  as 
unwise  and  unsafe  as  for  white  men  to  attempt  field- 
operations  in  the  sun  in  the  West  Indies.  Nothing 
impinges  more  seriously  on  studies ;  it  has  a  tendency 
to  make  them  romantic,  which  in  asthetics  is  equally 
at  variance  w^ith  the  antique  and  classic  lore.  Had 
the  directors  been  younger  men  themselves,  and  un- 
derstood the  rhabilomancy  of  the  mind  as  well  as  they 
do  of  commerce,  they  would  have  felt  the  impropriety 
of  exposing  their  cadets  to  the  potential  miasmata 
of  such  an  atmosphere  of  female  allurements,  which 
may  very  appropriately  be  called  "  the  milky  way  of 
Cupid."  In  the  descent  down  the  inclined  plane  of 
character,  induced  by  these  causes,  if  good  instruction 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  139 

offer  any  resistance,  that  resistance  ought  to  increase 
in  a  high  ratio  with  the  speed.  The  motion  of  a  train 
of  dissipation  commonly  continues  to  be  accelerated 
until  it  obtains  a  velocity,  which  produces  a  resistance 
from  good  principles,  such  as  combined  with  the  fric- 
tion of  discipline,  is  equal  to  the  gravitation  down  the 
plane. 

Adopting  a  semi-naval  uniform  for  these  youthful 
votaries  of  science,  and  giving  them  the  rank  and  title 
of  cadets,  the  insignia  of  an  office,  which  the  emulous 
and  now  awakened  people  of  Bristol  pronounce  to  be 
superior  to  a  similar  grade  in  Her  Majesty's  service  ; 
permitting  them  to  wear  the  gold  lace  band  on  the  cap, 
and  acceding  to  them  the  seducing  gilt  button  with  the 
emblematical  letters  G.  W.  on  them,  has  infused  too 
much  caloric  into  their  juvenile  aspirations  for  female 
approbation,  and  they  are  unwilling  that  such  graceful 
and  elegant  young  officers  should  be  mistaken  for 
disciples  of  a  pedagogical  establishment.  Their  pre- 
dilections are  strong  to  draw  a  comparison  in  their 
own  favour  with  W.  S.'s  of  Edinboro,  and  there  is  a 
supercilious  daring  in  their  haughty  carriage,  as  if,  in 
the  event  of  an  action  with  the  enemy,  they  would 
stand  by  their  boiler  and  keep  up  the  steam  unhesitat- 
ingly and  unremittingly,  till  they  died.  But  this  is  not 
the  only  evil  attending  the  progress  of  science  in  this 
ship,  as  refers  to  my  situation  as  principal.  There  is 
another  joint  out  of  place,  to  use  a  familiar  expression 
at  "  flange."  The  office  of  librarian,  which  has  been 
unsolicited  by  me,  but  conferred  voluntarily  and  hand- 
somely, as  an  honorary  appointment  in  consequence 
of  there  being  no  salary  attached  to  it,  is  one  which  is 
accompanied  by  a  corresponding  unsatisfactory  result. 
So  little  attention  is  often  paid  to  orthography  in  the 
written  order  of  the  passengers  for  books,  that  it  is  ap- 
proximate to  impossible  to  comprehend  what  they 
mean,  added  to  which  for  want  of  catalogues  the  de- 
mands are  invariably  for  books  not  contained  in  the 


140  taE    LETTER-BAG    OP 

library,  which  leads  to  disappointment  in  the  first  in- 
stance, renewed  vexation  in  the  second,  and  not  unfre- 
quently  in  the  third  to  Impatience,  if  not  impertinence. 
It  is  in  vain  that  I  deprecate  explicitly,  that  I  am  an- 
swerable for  the  books  only,  which  are  placed  here  by 
the  literary  committee  of  the  directors,  and  not  for 
those  not  ordered  by  them,  which  would  involve  an 
absurdity. — The  blank  page  at  the  beginning  and  end 
of  each  volume  is  invariably  abstracted,  which  is  a 
most  singular  selection,  and  proves  the  illiterate  condi- 
tion of  the  passengers,  for  there  is  nothing  of  course  to 
read  upon  it,  while  the  outside  wrapping-cover  shares 
the  same  fate.  Yet  forsooth,  these  are  the  men  who 
say  the  library  is  not  varied  and  copious  enough  to 
meet  the  increased  advancement  of  the  age.  Were  it 
not  that  my  anger  is  "  blown  off"  occasionally  upon 
the  cadets,  these  passengers  would  be  in  danger  of  "an 
explosion"  that  would  astonish  them,  for  passion  is 
"generated  faster"  than  is  safe  for  them  by  their 
ignorance. 

But,  gentlemen,  there  is  another  subject,  which  deli- 
cacy suggests  to  be  passed  over  in  silence,  while  a 
due  sense  of  the  value  of  science,  the  inextinguishable 
debt  of  gratitude,  owed  to  it  by  innumerable  steam 
companies,  and  an  appreciation  of  self-respect,  com- 
pels me  to  a  reference ;  I  mean  the  assignment  to  me 
of  some  other  duties,  not  necessary  to  enumerate,  but 
which  are  within  the  cognizance  of  the  directors,  and 
reduce  me  to  the  situation  of  an  humble  clerk,  a  name, 
indeed,  which  many  people,  and  I  am  sorry  to  add, 
the  captain  himself  sometimes  applies  to  rpe,  from  the 
habit  of  absolute  command,  which  he  acquired  in  the 
navy.  Among  many,  I  would  only  notice  one,  namely, 
to  stand  by  and  see  the  young  gentlemen  draw  their 
water,  w^hich  it  appears,  by  the  Nero-like  regulations 
of  the  board,  emanated  from  your  honourable  body, 
and  is  at  once  painful  and  degrading,  more  particu- 
larly, to  see  that  water  measured,  and  to  keep  cocks 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  141 

under  lockfe  and  keys,  for  fear  of  wasting  the  precious 
liquid.  The  water  casks,  I  conceive,  might  more  pro- 
perly be  under  the  charge  of  the  culinary  artist,  or 
cook,  whose  occupation  is  more  connected  with  the 
hydroscope  than  a  learned  professor.  This  is  a  subject, 
on  which,  though  it  is  a  desideratum  to  be  moderate,  *'  the 
connecting  rods,  and  inner  plummer-block  brasses  "  of 
my  temper,  always  "  work  hot,"  and  my  own  rea- 
son is  insufficient  to  reduce  the  temperature  of  them, 
or  to  "  keep  heavy  bearings  cool."  Such  services  are 
incompatible  with  the  rank  and  station  of  a  lecturer  on 
astronomy  and  mathematics,  inconsistent  with  the  du- 
ties of  my  proper  office,  and  derogatory  from  the  spe- 
cific gravity  and  dignity  of  the  liberal  sciences.  Under 
these  painful  circumstances,  I  would  suggest  a  removal 
of  the  seminary  to  Clifton,  where  it  could  be  enlarged, 
to  accommodate  the  students  of  other  ships,  and  where 
practical  navigation  could  be  taught  in  all  its  branches, 
by  the  aid  of  a  few  experimental  trips  on  that  sinuous 
and  difficult,  but  most  beautiful  of  rivers,  the  Severn. 
Nothing  can  be  done  without  strict  discipline.  Screw- 
ing up  the  nuts,  detaching  loose  bolts,  tightening  the 
slide  packings,  drag-links,  and  other  bearings  of  the 
mind  or  the  waste  valves,  will  let  off  instruction  as  fast 
as  it  is  supplied.  Should  this  suggestion  not  be  accept- 
able, I  beg  leave  to  resign  the  commission  I  have  the 
honour  to  hold  from  the  board,  after  due  consideration 
of  the  heavy  responsibility  of  my  position,  and  a  full 
review  of  all  the  consequences  immediate  and  ulti- 
mate. Should  it  involve  any  material  want  of  confi- 
dence in  the  public,  in  this  great  steamer,  or  detract 
from  the  pre-eminent  rank  of  this  splendid  ship  in  the 
scale  of  the  European  mercantile  marine,  I  can  only 
deplore  so  sad  a  result  to  the  stockholders,  which,  that 
they  may  avert  by  a  timely  application  of  preparatory 
measures,  is  the  ardent  aspiration  of  your  most  de- 
voted humble  servant, 

Peter  Quadrant, 


142  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

No.  XXI. 

LETTER 
FROM  MOSES  LEVY  TO  LEVI  MOSES. 

My  deersh  Frent — 

Veil,  hear  I  am  on  pord  te  Crate  Weshtern  shet 
up  liksh  a  tog,  and  so  shick  to  ma  shtomac  as  a  pompsh  te 
live  longsh  lay.  Vare  it  all  comsh  from  I  dont  know,  ' 
shelp  me  Cot,  for  I  cant  shwaller  noting  at  all,  and  have 
got  noting  in  me  dat  I  knowsh  of,  and  yet  it  comsh  and 
comsh,  as  if  tere  was  no  ent  to  it  like  a  sphrink,  dat  runsh 
ofer  all  te  time,  and  never  shtophs  for  roneink.  Ma 
trowsher  ish  too  larsh  for  ma,  I  have  fell  away  sho,  and 
looksh  as  if  tey  washnt  made  for  ma,  vitch  is  true,  for  I 
bought  dem  from  Bill  Gubbinsh,  but  den  tey  fitted  me 
ash  well  as  if  tey  wash,  and  sho  ma  coat  hanks  ash 
loose  ash  a  pursheres  shirt  on  a  hantshpike,  and  ma 
tonke  is  all  furred  up  vid  nap,  lonker  den  vat  is  on  ma 
hat,  blow  ma  tight  if  it  aint.  Veil  den,  varte  am  I  to 
do,  I  cant  shet  no  lonker  to  cards  to  play,  den  de  teal, 
and  den  I  am  oblished  to  cut  and  rhun,  and  so  soon 
ash  1  gets  pack  and  taksh  up  te  cartes,  it  comsh  akain, 
ant  I  have  no  more  time  den  to  trow  town  te  cartsh 
and  off  and  trow  up  de  shick.  Oh,  mine  Cot !  put  tish 
too  pad  ash  ever  you  did  she,  ant  worsher  too,  it  would 
pe  petter  to  die  ash  to  live  longh  dish  way. 

But  dat  ish  not  de  worsht,  needer,  for  I  looshes  te 
monish,  by  tinking  more  of  maself  dan  de  cartsh ;  and 
comink  and  goink,  up  ant  town,  backwart  and  forwart 
te  whole  plessed  time,  and  no  resht  for  min  tingk  te 
Komo  and  petterigk  ven  a  hopportunita  hoffers,  vitch  is 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  143 

goot  and  ote  to  be  sheesed  upon ;  and  I  cant  trusht  ma 
memory  no  more  ash  to  nopoty  elsh,  for  it  is  shick,  too, 
I  do  peleeve,  and  wont  holt  nottink  no  more  ash  ma 
shtomac,  and  varte  dey  getsh  dey  cant  keep,  and  vat 
dey  kepsh  is  no  coot,  and  would  pe  more  petter  if  dey 
didnt  keep. 

Vel,  tish  a  pity,  too — strikesh  ma  turn,  if  it  hishn't ! 
for  she  ish  a  fary  expenshive  sheep,  is  te  Crate  Wesh- 
tern ;  te  passage  cosht  a  crate  teal  of  monish — more 
ash  forty-two  shovereigns ;  and  tere  ish  a  nople  chansh 
amongsht  sho  many  reshpectable  and  rish  shentlemans 
to  do  bishness  ;  playing  and  petting,  and  shelhng  and 
shanging,  and  pying  and  sho  on,  espeshially  at  night, 
ven  de  viskey  kome  in  and  de  cawshin  go  out.  Oh, 
tear  I  oh,  tear  !  put  tis  too  pad,  I  am  so  tampt  mishfor- 
tinate  ash  not  for  to  pe  aple  to  do  noting  no  more,  ash 
a  child,  I  am  sho  shick  te  whole  time,  and  more  tead 
ash  alive,  and  more  onelokey  ash  tead.  Do  tey  vil  take 
te  she-shickness,  I  say ;  I  woodn't  take  anoter  voyage 
to  shave  ma  life,  shelp  ma  cot.  I  mosht  afeart  America 
ish  no  conelry  for  te  Jewish,  no  more  ash  Scotland  ish 
vitch  hash  notink  in  it  at  all  put  pride  ant  povety,  ant 
oatmeal  and  vishkey.  Te  Yankee  all  knowish  too 
mush  for  us,  ant  too  mush  wide  awake,  ant  sho  sharp 
ash  a  neetle  at  making  von  pargain,  vitch  give  no 
chansh  at  all  to  a  poor  jew  to  Hff.  Den  dey  have  no 
prinches,  no  noples,  nor  rish  lorts,  vat  spend  de  monish 
before  he  pecomes  tu,  ant  runsh  in  debt,  ant  give  ponts 
ant  mortgage,  ant  premium  for  te  loan,  ant  asksh  no 
questions  bout  te  casht,  so  lonk  as  he  gets  varte  monish 
he  wantish.  Den  dere  railroat  stoksh,  and  pank  stoksh, 
and  state  stoksh,  are  just  fete  for  to  loshe  all  vat  you 
putsh  into  dem,  or  elsh  dey  would  pay  dem  demselves, 
if  dere  wash  any  tink  at  all  to  pe  mate  in  dem,  vitch 
dere  aint,  and  dey  knowsh  it  so  w^ell  as  I  do,  ant  more 
petter  too. 

Dish  lettare  vill  be  shent  by  a  prifit  hopportunita  till 
Spring  Rish  altare  te  postage  to  von  penny.     He  cot 


144  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

it  too  high  pefore,  ant  now  he  cot  it  too  low — but  dat 
ish  his  look  out,  ant  note  mhine ;  but  ven  a  lettare  cosht 
no  more  ash  von  penny,  I  will  write  you  naore  regular 
ash  I  to  now,  and  not  cosht  so  mush  monish,  needer, 
ash  at  present  time. 

Your  frient, 
To  Mr.  Moses  Levi.  Levi  Moses. 

Posht  Schript. — Oh,  mine  Cot !  if  I  havent  tun  do 
pishness  sinsh  I  rote  vat  ish  rhitten  apove  itsh  a  pity — 
dats  all.  I  aint  no  more  onwell,  put  petter  ash  never; 
ant  I  wund  pack  all  my  passage  monish,  ant  two  sho- 
vereigns  more,  ant  a  half-shovereign,  ant  two  shillings, 
three  pence,  at  carts,  pesidge  five  pounds  of  a  pet,  and 
here  he  ish,  all  shafe  ant  shound  in  mine  pocket,  and 
he  dont  go  out  vid  my  leaf,  till  he  preeds  and  hatches 
more,  to  keep  up  de  preed  of  young  shovereigns.  Oh! 
put  I  liksh  to  put  my  hant  in  mine  preeches  pocked  and 
feel  him,  and  count  him  ofer,  ant  she  he  ish  shafe  ant 
shound. 

Ven  I  valk  te  teck,  up  ant  town  ant  up  ant  town 
pack  again,  peeplish  shay,  Mishter  Moses,  dey  shay, 
varte  pleash  you  sho,  make  you  look  so  tarnt  goot-na- 
tured  to-day,  and  I  shay,  oh,  he  feels  goot  ant  mush 
petter  ash  he  wash.  I  cot  te  medicine  here  dat  cure 
de  she-shickness,  ant  shet  me  right  again,  and  den  my 
hand  vat  is  in  my  pocket,  he  pats  de  shovereigns  vat  is 
in  mine  preeches,  on  de  heat,  and  I  tink  to  maself,  goot 
poys  dem  shovereigns — vary  goot  poys,  ant  has  no 
more  dutiful  subshects,  nor  lovingk  frients  vat  ish  font 
of  tern  dan  me.  Yell,  den,  I  shell  all  my  boxesh  of 
shigars  to  te  stewart,  when  he  gets  out  of  shtock,  by 
reashon  of  te  longk  voyage,  and  hash  no  more  left,  ant 
no  plashe  to  go  to,  to  puy  dem.  I  shell  em,  pecause  I 
wash  too  ill  to  shm.oke  em,  maself,  ant  hadnt  no  more 
ush  for  em ;  ant  he  knowed  no  petter,  for  he  ish  a  fool, 
and  dont  know  vat  monish  ish,  nor  de  shentlemans, 
needer — put  I  do,  I  hope,  or  elsh  my  name  ishnt 

Levi  Moses. 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  14& 


No.  XXII. 


LETTER 

FROM    A    SERVANT    OF   A   FAMILY    TRA- 
VELLING TO  ASTORIA. 

Dere  Susan  — 

When  I  tukjeve  of  you  the  last  Sunday  nite  we 
spent  at  white  condut,  I  had  no  high  dear  I  was  going 
so  sun  to  take  leve  of  dere  old  England.  But  so  it  is. 
Strange  things  do  sum  tinns  turn  up,  as  Tunamus  said 
when  Betty  housemaid  was  found  floating  on  the  river. 

Missus  has  married  a  clutchyman,  who  is  sent  out 
by  the  society  to  propergate  in  furrin  parts,  and  they 
have  a  burth  on  bord  the  Great  Western,  and  so  have 
I.  It  looks  like  a  cell  in  New  Gate,  only  clener,  were 
poor  George  was  lodged  for  putting  lady  Anns  watch 
in  his  pocket  by  misteke,  for  his  hone,  but  he  was  al- 
ways an  absent  man  before  he  went  to  Bottany  was 
George.  They  call  it  a  burth  because  its  a  new  life 
on  board  ship,  and  is  like  beginning  of  the  world  agin, 
and  takes  grate  nussing  before  you  can  eat.  It  is  the 
most  inconvenientest  place  I  ever  saw.  The  sealing  is 
so  low  in  places  you  cant  walk  upright,  and  you  get  a 
stroke  every  now  and  then  when  you  least  expect  it, 
across  your  forhed,  that  you  think  will  dash  your 
brains  out.  It  is  a  hard  think  to  leve  dere  old  England, 
its  halters  and  fares,  and  churches  and  theetres  for  the 
wilderness,  and  the  hethen,  but  then  Lundun  is  a  poor 
place  for  the  likes  of  me  as  woold  perfer  sumthink 
better  than  mere  sweet  harting;  standing  at  Airy's  and 
talking  to  the  butler  or  perhaps  the  young  master  at 
13 


146  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

the  next  number  is  verry  plesant,  but  then  it  seldom 
ends  satisfactury,  for  they  dont  often  fulfil,  and  if  you 
remind  them  of  their  proter  stations,  the  perfigiores 
wretches  say  they  never  ment  nothing  but  in  the  way 
of  servility,  and  if  you  do  go  for  to  take  on  why  they 
take  themselves  off  directly,  and  desart  you  and  no- 
thing is  left  but  artburnings,  unless  it  is  the  surpentine 
to  put  it  out.  Going  abroad  gives  wun  an  opportunity 
to  see  the  wurld  and  visit  places  where  men  isnt  so 
hartificial  as  in  Lundun,  and  promises  aint  made  on 
purpus  to  be  broke,  and  harts  go  for  nothing  except  to 
be  trumpt  in  tricks  as  poor  Tummus  used  to  say,  at 
wist.  But  still  it  do  give  wun  menny  a  sad  our  think- 
ing of  appy  days  past,  and  friends  left  behind  besides 
them  as  left  us,  it  brings  teres  in  my  eyes  when  I  am 
alone  in  bed,  and  makes  me  think  of  throwing  up  at 
New  York  and  returning,  but  I  resorts  to  the  good 
buck  at  sitch  times  and  finds  consolation  in  it.  The 
deck  of  this  vessel  is  as  crowded  as  Regent  street  arter 
lamplight — there  are  sum  verry  interresting  men  on 
bord,  one  of  them  they  call  a  "  pole"  though  why  I  am 
sure  I  dont  know ;  for  I  think  some  of  them  as  say  so 
behind  his  back  are  poor  '  sticks'  themselves.  He  is  a 
very  pretty  man  with  a  beautiful  curly  moustouchio, 
and  black  whiskers,  and  sings  so  sweet  it  is  quite 
charming.  I  dont  know  whether  his  christian  name  is 
North  or  not,  but  I  overhear  them  talking  a  good  dele 
about  north  pole,  and  that  government  offered  a  large 
sum  to  any  body  as  would  get  round  him,  ten  thousand 
pounds  I  believe.  He  dont  speak  much  English,  but 
he  talks  very  perlite  to  me  and  bows  very  handsum, 
and  oh  how  brite  his  eyes  are. 

They  affect  one  so,  that  people  do  say  no  needle 
was  ever  none  to  wurk  nere  him,  his  attractions  is  so 
grate.  I  wunder  if  Lord  Melburne  or  Normaaboy 
would  give  me  the  reward  if  I  was  to  get  round  him. 
Tme  sure  I  could  do  it,  for  he  squeezed  my  hand  twise, 
and  the  last  time  would  a  had  his  hone  round  me  if 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  147 

missus  hadnt  a  been  coming.  I  dremed  of  the  ten 
thousand  pound  all  nite,  oh  dear  what  a  prize  that 
would  be  for  poor  mary. — We  are  too  go  to  New 
York  fust,  and  then  in  a  to  bote  dragged  after  orses 
biles,  and  thru  locks,  and  gates  and  waist  w^ays  and 
summit  of  hills,  and  dales  and  I  dont  know  w^hat  all 
to  a  place  they  call  mont-tree-all — because  it's  all  a 
forest.  Then  we  are  to  be  shoved  for  twenty  days  by 
a  frenchman,  up  a  stream  with  long  poles,  who  sings 
songs  to  kepe  time.  This  part  they  say  is  very  pleasant 
only  you  get  tired  of  it,  for  too  much  of  one  thing  is 
good  for  nothing,  as  poor  dear  Tummus  used  to  say, 
when  he  had  anything  to  do. 

Then  we  are  to  cum  amung  saviges,  horrid  crea- 
tures, all  naked  except  a  little  very  little  clothing,  like 
the  nasty  Scotch  pipper  that  used  to  play  in  our  airy 
and  wore  no  trousers  only  an  apron,  and  that  ridicul- 
ous short  too.  They  have  long  knifes  that  are  dredful 
to  look  at,  and  things  they  call  tommy  oxes,  to  cut 
hairy  scalps  with,  and  they  are  to  guide  us  out  of  the 
wudes,  and  hunt  for  us.  Pretty  guides  them  as  master 
says  to  show  us  the  w^ay  we  are  to  walk  in. 

Then  comes  the  desert,  and  that  lasts  a  munth — only 
think  of  a  hole  munth  of  a  desert !  We  must  wait  to 
lye  in  before  we  proseed,  provision  for  the  journey,  and 
then  we  must  sleep  out  of  dores  every  nite,  with  no- 
thing over  us  but  sky,  and  nothing  under  us  but  earth, 
and  nothing  in  us  but  cold  wittals.  I  am  afraid  I  shall 
never  survive  them  saviges.  When  the  sun  goes  down 
we  are  to  camp  together  bundling,  they  call  it,  the  wo- 
men in  the  middle,  then  the  men,  and  then  the  saviges 
to  keep  off  the  wolves  and  bares  and  wild  beasts.  Its 
a  dredfull  undertaking,  isn't  it  ?  How  I  shall  make  shift 
to  get  on  I  dont  know — it  terrifies  me  to  think  of  it. 
Last  nite  I  dremed  of  it,  for  this  part  sleeping  in  pub- 
lic haunts  me  like  a  gost,  and  I  dremed  I  saw  a  lion 
with  grete  glaring  eyes,  and  felt  his  big  heavy  paw 
upon  me,  and  I  woke  up  with  frite  trembling  all  over 


148  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

like  an  asspin,  and  what  do  you  think  it  was,  Susan ;  it 
was  only  the  hand  of  the  Stewart  feeling  if  the  light 
was  out,  for  all  lites  are  xtinguished  at  ten  o'clock. 
He  is  a  verry  nise  man  the  Stewart.  Well  than  after 
all  that  cum  sum  grate  mountings,  the  very  idea  of 
which  terrify  me.  They  will  take  several  months  to 
get  over,  on  account  of  the  stones.  They  call  them 
the  rockey  mountings.  The  trees  are  2  hundred  feet 
high  and  snow  I  dont  know  how  high.  Missus  says 
if  I  pesist  in  going  thro  the  travail,  and  remain  three 
years  with  them,  I  shall  have  a  pin  ching  from  the  So- 
ciety for  propogating  in  furrin  parts  of  ten  pounds  a 
year,  and  be  safe  delivered  in  England,  free  of  ex- 
pense, when  my  time  is  out.  After  going  over  the 
Rockey  we  descend  tother  side  to  a  place  they  call 
Astoria  which  is  to  be  our  home  while  we  are  abroad. 
This  place  is  called  a  factory  though  nothing  is  made 
there  but  munny  a  trading  in  furs,  and  they  aint  so 
plenty  there  as  they  used  to  be,  for  the  wild  beasts  is 
getting  *  up  to  trap'  now  and  wont  cum  to  be  cort. 
They  keep  *  fur'  off  now.  I  '11  get  a  muff  or  a  tippet 
here  of  bare  skin  or  of  otter,  which  smells  so  well. 
The  oil  of  that  animal  is  what  you  buy  so  dere  in  Lun- 
dun  in  sent  bottles ;  but  O  dere  I  furgets,  whats  the  use 
of  smelling  sweet  if  there  is  no  one  to  smell  you  but 
yourself 

Who  master  is  to  preach  to  when  he  gets  there  I 
dont  no  xcept  it  is  to  missus  and  me  and  the  rest  of 
the  family,  and  if  he  goes  to  preach  to  her  she  '11  give 
him  such  a  lectur  as  he  has  no  notion  of,  thats  sertain, 
for  she  gave  master  that  is  dead  and  gone  a  dredful 
time  of  it  here  below,  and  as  for  me,  my  morals  cant 
be  no  better — and  besides,  when  w^e  are  out  of  the 
wurld,  as  a  body  might  say,  what  in  the  wurld  is  the 
danger  of  temptation  when  there  is  no  body  to  tempt 
you  ?  Them  horrid  Indgians  wont  understand  him  nor 
them  french  Voia  jeers  neither,  and  besides  they  are 
papists  and  wont  cum.     Thats  just  the  way  with  these 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  149 

sailers ;  last  Sunday  when  they  was  ordered  to  prayers, 
they  agreed  to  say  they  were  Catholics  and  had  scribe 
bles  of  conscience,  for  they  cant  force  them  to  cum 
now  since  O'Connell  is  made  pope  and  primi  Minister, 
and  the  Captain  said,  very  well,  they  are  excused  then. 

Three  years  away — Oh !  deary  me,  what  a  long 
time  that  is  to  be  away,  aint  it  Susan,  and  me  twenty- 
five  years  old  already.  How  lonesum  I  shall  be,  no- 
body but  master  and  missus  and  the  doctor  and  the 
too  clarks  and  me  in  the  house.  The  Governor  and 
the  other  people  that  are  our  next  door  neighbours  live 
500  miles  ofl^ 

Mr.  Campbell  the  clerk  is  a  very  handsum  young 
man.  He  is  to  travail  with  us.  He  takes  great  notice 
of  me  when  nobody  is  a  noticing  of  him,  a  slipping 
into  the  hole  every  chance  he  gets  of  the  vessel,  a  pre- 
tending to  study  mysheenery.  Says  he  the  other  day, 
Mary  dear,  I  wish  I  knew  the  rode  to  your  hart — well 
sir,  said  I,  it  hes  through  the  church  door.  Says  he, 
I  like  you  for  that  answer,  my  dear,  for  it  shows  you 
are  a  gud  gurl,  such  an  uncommon  pretty  gurl  as  you 
(he  said  uncommon  I  assure  you,  I  am  certain  I  cant 
be  mistaken),  such  an  uncommon  pretty  gurl  (it  was 
verry  sivil  of  him  to  say  so,  when  after  all  I  really  do 
not  think  I  am  so  verry,  verry  pretty),  such  an  uncom- 
mon pretty  gurl  as  you  are  must  take  care  of  yourself, 
and  then  putting  his  face  close  up,  said,  never  let  any 
body  whisper  to  you,  or  they  cant  help  doing  as  I  do, 
kiss  you — and  before  I  could  reprove  him,  he  was  off 
and  into  the  cabin. 

It  quite  flustered  me.  Ye^erday,  I  overheard  him 
tell  Missus,  the  Governor  had  promised  him  "  to  bring 
him  in  a  partner  this  year.''  Who  can  she  be?  We 
have  nobody  on  board  a  going  there,  but  little  me,  and 
I  am  poor  and  at  sarvice,  and  nothing  but  my  face  for 
my  fortune;  but  then  havn't  just  as  strange  things 
happened  ?  Didn't  our  Butler  that  was,  marry  his 
young  Missus  that  was,  and  didn't  his  young  Missus  ^ 
13* 


150  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

marry  him  ?  If  they  are  to  *  bring  him  in  a  partner ' 
this  year,  they  must  do  it  now,  or  his  partner  will 
never  get  there.  It  will  be  too  late  in  the  season. 
Oh,  I  wouldn't  mind  the  mountings,  nor  the  rapids,  nor 
the  desert,  nor  any  thing,  if  this  was  to  be  the  end  of 
all  my  travail !  If  so  be  this  should  turn  up — honour 
for  trump  card — don't  fear,  Susan,  I  shan't  be  proud, 
and  portend  not  to  know  you,  or  keep  company  with 
you,  because  nothing  will  ever  make  me  forget  you, 
and  don't  you  for  the  wurld,  ever  say  a  wurd  about 
them  earrings  the  Jew  boy  got  blamed  for,  or  the 
worked  collar  the  beggar  woman  took,  as  Missus  thort ; 
but  as  for  Robert  carrying  his  head  so  high  after  de- 
serting me,  and  saying  he  did  so  because  leave-taking 
was  painful,  and  me  running  such  ri^ks  hiding  him  in 
the  laundry,  I  '11  let  him  no  his  place,  I  can  tell  him, 
and  never  let  him  go  for  to  dare  as  much  as  for  to 
luck  at  me  again,  the  ard  arted  retch,  or  I  will  call 
pellisc5  to  him,  see  if  I  don't.  I  shall  turn  over  a  new 
leaf  in  America.  It  don't  do  to  be  too  confiding  with 
men.  They  think  only  of  their  hone,  and  not  other 
people's  ends,  and  the  next  one  as  threatens  to  drown 
himself  as  Robert  did,  may  just  do  it  for  all  I  care,  it 
wont  deceive  me  again.  Lusing  a  butler  is  no  such 
grate  matter  as  lusing  wuns  pease  and  karacter.  Tell 
him  he  is  dispisable  for  a  gay  deceiver,  and  that  if  1 
ad  him  with  me  forty  days  and  forty  nights  in  the  de- 
sert, I'd  leave  him  there  for  his  parjury,  a  pray  to  the 
stings  of  sarpents  and  his  hone  conscience.  Drinking 
satturn  and  mydearer  wine  of  his  master,  dont  justify 
him  to  kiss  and  desert  poor  gurls  as  if  he  was  a  gen- 
tleman born.  Such  airs  are  very  misbecoming  one  in 
his  station,  and  he  deserves  a  good  kicking  for  his  im- 
perence,  the  retch.  As  sune  as  my  travail  is  over,  and 
I  reach  at  last,  this  distant  country,  Astoria,  I  will  rite 
you  another  letter  by  a  mail  that  goes  every  six  months 
chasing  whales,  and  tell  you  whether  I  am  cumming 
on  with  Mr.  Campbell,  and  about  the  bare  skin  furs, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  151 

and  the  sense  of  the  otters,  and  so  on ;  and  now  dear 
Susan,  hopping  that  you  and  William  Coachman  con- 
tinues to  set  your  horses  well  together,  I  remain  your 
faithful  friend, 

Now  and  for  ever, 

Mary  Poole.  . 


No.  XXIII. 

THE  MISDIRECTED  LETTER  No.  1. 

LETTER    FROM   A    COLONIST    TO    HIS 
BROTHER. 

My  dear  and  honoured  Father  — 

I  have  the  pleasure  to  acknowledge  your  letter 
of  the  first  of  February  last,  giving  me  the  gratifying 
intelligence  of  the  health  of  my  dear  mother  and  your- 
self, and  upon  receipt  of  it  lost  no  time  in  complying 
with  your  wishes  for  my  return,  by  embarking  at  once 
for  New  York  in  the  Great  Western.  Your  indulgence 
to  me  on  all  occasions,  requires,  even  if  I  were  not 
actuated  by  a  higher  motive,  that  I  should  implicitly 
follow  your  instructions,  which,  I  am  aware,  are  only 
dictated  by  an  anxious  solicitude  for  my  welfare,  and 
I  hope  you  will  do  me  the  justice  to  believe,  that  the 
ready  obedience  I  have  shown  in  this  case,  even  at 
a  time  when  an  affection  of  the  lungs  required  medical 
treatment,  is  a  proof  of  my  desire  to  meet  your  wishes 
in  all  things,  and  upon  all  occasions.  The  dampness 
of  the  climate  in  England  has  operated  rather  unfavour- 
ably upon  my  lungs,  and  a  succession  of  colds  has 


152  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

rendered  it  necessary  for  me  to  consult  an  eminent 
physician,  whose  enormous  and  extravagant  charges 
(which  I  understand  are  always  more  so  to  strangers) 
have  made  me  draw  largely  upon  my  letter  of  credit, 
but  I  know  that  I  should  not  please  you  unless  I  took 
the  best  advice,  let  it  cost  what  it  would.  Indeed,  my 
general  expenses  have  been  larger  than  I  could  have 
wished.  London  is  an  excessively  expensive  place  to 
live  in,  and  although  I  have  neither  the  inclination  nor 
I  may  add  the  means  for  extravagance,  yet,  I  fear,  my 
expenditure  will  appear  large  to  you,  for  notwithstand- 
ing the  doctor's  fees  (which  is  an  unforeseen  and  indis- 
pensable item),  the  result  without  that  is  altogether  too 
large  for  a  person  of  my  regular  and  retired  habits. 
You  will  be  surprised  to  hear  that  young  as  I  am,  I 
have  only  been  to  the  theatre  once,  but  that  was  once 
too  often,  and  indeed,  I  should  not  have  felt  a  desire  to 
go  at  all,  had  it  not  been  for  your  repeatedly  expressed 
wish,  that  I  should  see  whatever  was  worth  seeing  in 
I-iOndon,  that  my  travels  might  be  productive  of  useful 
information  as  well  as  amusement.  To  tell  you  the 
truth,  I  have  some  scruples  as  to  the  propriety  of  visit- 
ing such  places  at  all ;  on  that  occasion  I  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  be  run  over  in  the  street  by  a  cab,  and  was 
severely  stunned  and  bruised ;  and  when  I  came  to,  I 
found  that  I  had  been  relieved  by  some  of  the  light 
fingered  gentry  of  this  metropolis  of  the  beautiful  fifty 
guinea  watch,  you  were  so  kind  as  to  give  mO;  and 
also  a  quarter's  allowance  which  I  had  received  that 
day  from  my  banker.  I  admit  that  I  ought  not  to 
have  carried  that  money  about  me,  but  that  I  do  not 
regret,  for  economy  will  easily  replace  it;  but  this 
token  of  your  regard  I  valued  more  than  the  money 
as  a  remembrancer  of  you,  and  had  hoped  to  have  kept 
it  through  life,  to  remind  me  of  the  value  of  time,  of 
the  kind  friend  and  monitor  that  gave  it,  and  as  a 
pledge  of  parental  affection.  But  providence  has  ordered 
it  otherwise,  and  I  must  submit  to  that  which  I  can- 


THE   GREAT    WESTERN.  153 

not  control.  Had  I  not  been  deprived  of  all  sensation 
I  would  have  parted  with  my  life  sooner  than  with 
that  little  keepsake. — The  doctors,  I  am  sorry  to  say, 
seem  to  think  that  the  affection  of  my  lungs  has  been 
increased  by  the  injury  I  have  received.  I  have  made 
a  valuable  addition  to  my  medical  library,  upon  which 
I  have  spent  what  most  young  men  of  my  age  would 
have  consumed  upon  their  pleasures.  I  shall  leave  the 
books  to  follow,  and  hope  they  will  arrive  safe. 

I  look  forward  with  the  greatest  pleasure  and  anxiety 
to  see  you  all  again,  and  shall  hurry  home  again  as 
fast  as  possible  to  resume  the  study  of  my  profession  in 
my  native  place,  where  with  your  powerful  connexion 
and  valuable  advice,  I  make  no  doubt,  I  shall  fulfil  all 
your  expectations. 

To  qualify  myself  for  thus  entering  upon  the  duties 
of  life,  I  have  lost  no  opportunity  of  attending  the  best 
lecturers  at  the  several  hospitals. 

It  gives  me  the  greatest  pain  to  hear  from  you  that 
my  brother  Tom  is  inclined  to  dissipation  and  extra- 
vagance. I  was  always  afraid  that  such  would  be  the 
result  of  your  too  indulgent  allowance,  which  it  is  never 
prudent  to  enlarge  as  you  have  done,  for  a  young  man 
of  his  gay  temperament.  If  I  find  on  my  return  that 
he  persists  in  these  courses,  I  shall  be  under  the  ne- 
cessity of  withdrawing  in  a  great  measure  from  his 
society ;  for  evil  communications,  according  to  an  old 
proverb,  have  unquestionably  a  deleterious  influence  on 
the  manners  and  principles.  I  have  bought  you  a  very 
improved  pair  of  patent  spectacles,  which,  I  think,  you 
will  find  very  useful,  and  also  a  newly  invented  ear- 
trumpet  for  poor  dear  mother,  which,  I  hope,  you  and 
she  will  do  me  the  favour  to  accept  and  wear  for  the 
sake  of,  dear  and  honoured  father. 

Your  most  affectionate  and  dutiful  son, 

Arthur  Snob. 


154  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 


No.  XXIV. 

THE  MISDIRECTED  LETTER,  No.  2. 
A  COLONIST  TO  HIS  FATHER. 

My  dear  Tom — 

You  will  be  surprised  to  hear  1  am  on  board 
the  Great  Western,  instead  of  coming  direct  to  Que- 
bec ;  but  I  intend  to  run  the  full  length  of  my  tether, 
and  have  made  up  my  mind  to  have  a  lark  in  the  states 
before  I  come  back.  What  the  old  cove  will  say  to 
this,  I  do  not  know ;  but  I  have  written  a  letter  to  him 
by  this  packet,  that  will  effectually  hood-wink  him,  I 
hope.  It  is  quite  in  his  own  style,  and  as  good  as  be 
d d.  I  have  had  a  glorious  time  of  it,  both  in  Lon- 
don and  Paris,  and  have  gone  the  whole  figure ;  but  it 
has  cost  so  much  money,  that  I  am  afraid  to  add  it 
all  up.  How  the  devil  to  account  for  this  expendi- 
ture to  our  old  governor,  I  don't  know ;  for,  besides 
ordinary  expenses,  I  have  had  a  job  for  the  doctor,  my 
health  having  materially  suffered  by  my  dissipations. 
I  have  wiped  out  part  of  this,  by  swearing  I  was  run 
over  and  robbed  of  a  quarter's  allowance,  and  the  gold 
watch  he  gave  me,  which  I  left  in  pawn ;  and  have  ac- 
counted for  the  doctor's  part,  by  an  inflammation  of 
the  lungs,  from  the  damp  cHmate,  while  another  part 
I  have  set  down  to  books,  which,  of  course,  will  never 
arrive. 

For  heaven's  sake,  look  out  for  the  name  of  some 
vessel  that  has  foundered  at  sea,  or  been  wrecked  and 
cargo  lost,  that  I  may  fix  on  her  for  having  my  library 
on  board.  What  to  say  for  the  rest,  I  positively  do 
not  know — can't  you  help  me  ?     Try  and  think  it  over, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  155 

that's  a  good  fellow,  for  something  must  be  done,  or 
the  old  man  will  play  the  devil  with  me,  when  I  return. 
Lord  !  I  thought  I  should  have  died  a  laughing,  once, 
in  Paris,  dancing  one  Sunday  afternoon  with  a  Grizette, 
in  the  Champ  Elhsis,  where  there  was  a  splendid  hop, 
and  thinking  if  my  old  evangehcal  father  was  to  see 
me,  how  it  would  make  him  stare  with  all  his  eyes. 
He  would  have  edified  his  saints  for  a  month,  by  this 
instance  of  back-sliding,  if  he  had  seen  it.  Poor,  dear, 
good  old  man,  I  must  say  he  has  a  little  dash  of  the 
hypocrite  about  him,  and  I  never  can  resist  laughing, 
when  I  look  into  that  smooth,  sly,  canting  visage  of  his. 
What  fun  it  would  have  been,  if  he  had  happened  to 
have  been  in  Paris,  then,  to  have  inveigled  him  in  there, 
and  then  quizzed  him  about  it  afterwards — wouldn't  it? 
I  will  tell  you  who  I  did  see  there,  though,  and  it 
will  astonish  you  to  hear  it,  as  much  as  it  did  not  me ; 
no  less  than  Deacon  Closefist — I  did,  upon  my  honour. 
The  moment  I  saw  him,  I  cut  and  run,  for  I  was  danc- 
ing and  he  was  not,  and  I  didn't  want  him  to  see  me, 
any  more  than  he  did,  that  I  should  come  across  his 
hawser.  I  have  had  a  very  awkward  affair  in  one  of 
the  gambling  houses  of  London,  before  I  left  town.  It 
was  at  the  Quadrant,  with  a  young  fellow  of  the  Tem- 
ple, and  I  was  under  the  disagreeable  necessity  of 
calling  him  out.  We  exchanged  shots,  twice,  and  I 
was  fortunate  enough  to  pink  him  in  the  hand,  without 
endangering  his  life,  and  to  escape  being  hit,  myself, 
.  which  is  very  lucky,  for  he  was  a  capital  shot.  I  was 
in  a  dreadful  funk,  for  fear  it  would  get  wind,  and  find 
its  way  into  the  newspapers,  when  some  damned  good- 
natured  friend  would  have  been  sure  to  have  told  father 
all  about  it,  especially  as  the  quarrel  was  about  a  fair 
friend  of  mine.  It's  no  use  talking  about  it,  Tom,  but 
women  are  at  the  bottom  of  all  the  mischief  in  the 
world.  I  wish  the  devil  had  the  whole  of  them,  for 
they  have  led  me  into  a  pretty  mess  of  expense  ana 
trouble  since  I  have  been  abroad ;  but  if  old  men  will 


156  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

send  young  men  to  London,  to  see  the  world,  why  they 
must  just  make  up  their  minds  to  pay  the  piper,  and 
there  is  no  help  for  it.  I  have  sent  the  old  boy  a  pair 
of  spectacles  to  improve  his  vision ;  don't  laugh  at  the 
joke  when  you  see  them,  there  is  no  fear  of  his  being 
up  to  it,  for  he  never  was  up  to  any  thing  in  his  life, 
but  saving  money.  I  have  some  capital  stories  for 
you,  when  we  meet,  about  my  adventures,  but  it's  not 
altogether  safe  to  commit  them  to  paper,  for  fear  of 
accidents. 

Don't  lisp  a  syllable  of  all  this,  and  believe  me,  dear 
Tom, 

Yours,  always, 

Arthur  Snob. 


No.  XXV. 
LETTER 


FROM  A  LOCO  FOCO  OP  NEW  YORK,  TO  A 
SYMPATHISER  IN  VERMONT. 

My  Dear  Johnston— 

So  many  persons  have  lately  travelled  through 
North  America,  all  of  whom  have  made  most  singular 
and  valuable  discoveries  in  the  theory  of  government, 
that  I  have  made  it  my  business,  during  my  recent  visit 
to  Great  Britain,  to  enquire  into  the  state  of  the  nation, 
the  condition  of  the  people,  and  the  causes  of  discon- 
tent, and  have  now  the  pleasure  of  sending  you  an  ab- 
stract of  my  observations,  which  I  shall,  shortly,  publish 
more  at  large.     I  feel  satisfied  I  shall  astonish  the  na- 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN".  157 

tives  with  the  magnitude  of  the  disclosures,  and  the 
importance  of  the  subjects  contained  in  my  work,  and 
exhibit  a  state  of  misrule  and  misgovernment  that  is 
perfectly  appalling.  One  of  the  most  startling  disco- 
veries that  I.  have  made  is,  that  the  people  of  the  upper 
island,  or  England,  speak  a  different  language,  and 
hold  a  different  religion  from  those  in  the  lower  island 
of  Ireland.  Until  my  visit,  this  important  truth  was 
never  known;  and  it  bears  a  strong  resemblance  to 
the  fact,  recently  ascertained  by  a  great  linguist,  that 
the  French,  of  Canada,  are  not  Anglo-Saxons,  and  do 
not  speak  English.  Indeed,  I  may  say,  that  nothing  in 
my  book  is  of  more  importance  than  this  information; 
for,  the  consequence  is,  the  Irish  members  of  parlia- 
ment usually  vote  one  way,  and  the  English,  another. 
England,  as  might  be  expected,  from  the  indolence  and 
ignorance  of  its  rulers,  for  centuries  past,  is  filled  with 
people  dissatisfied  with  the  government  and  the  exist- 
ing order  of  things.  These  people  are  termed  Chartists, 
and  contain  among  them  a  great  body  of  respectable, 
well-informed,  and  able  men,  and  constitute,  it  seems, 
the  majority  of  the  people :  I  have,  therefore,  felt  it  my 
duty,  to  make  their  conciliation  my  chief  study.  They 
complain  that  the  higher  orders — persons  of  property 
and  standing  in  the  kingdom,  are  linked  in  a  common 
interest  for  the  support  of  monarchial  institutions,  and 
they,  therefore,  very  properly  style  them  "  the  family 
compact,"  or  "  official  gang ;"  a  very  singular  coinci- 
dence with  what  is  now  going  on  in  a  distant  part  of 
the  empire.  The  bench,  the  magistrates,  the  high 
offices  of  the  episcopal  church,  and  a  great  part  of  the 
legal  profession,  as  well  as  the  army  and  navy,  are 
filled  by  adherents  of  this  party;  and,  until  lately, 
shared  among  them,  almost  exclusively,  all  offices  of 
trust  and  profit. 

They  complain  that  this  compact  co-operates  for 
the  purpose  of  oppressing  the  poor,  of  tyrannizing  over 
the  weak,  of  suppressing  instruction,  or  rather  confin- 
14 


158  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

ing  it  to  themselves,  and  of  ruining  the  nation :  and 
from  their  wealth,  station  in  life,  and  education,  I 
conceive  it  to  be  true,  more  especially  as  so  many 
of  them  belong  to  the  estabUshed  churches  of  England 
and  Scotland.  They  also  allege  that  the  upper  branch 
of  the  legislature  is  composed  altogether  of  people  of 
this  class,  which,  indeed,  its  very  name,  "  House  ol 
Lords,"  seems  to  prove,  and  that  such  has  been  the 
favouritism  of  this  "  compact  party,"  that  no  instance 
is  known  of  a  Chartist  being  made  a  Lord  Chancellor, 
an  Archbishop,  a  Chief  Justice,  or  a  Peer  of  the  realm, 
or  filUng  any  of  the  high  offices  about  the  Palace  or 
the  person  of  the  Queen,  a  case  of  partiality  and  mis- 
rule unparalleled  in  the  history  of  any  country.  The 
object  of  the  Chartists  is  to  render  the  House  of  Lords 
elective  and  responsible  to  them,  which  universal  suf- 
frage will  inevitably  produce ;  and  it  is  in  vain  to  con- 
ceal the  fact,  that  they  never  will  be  content  with  any 
thing  short  of  this  reform,  nor  do  I  think  they  ought. 
Despairing  of  constitutional  redress,  for  these  accumu- 
lated evils,  they  most  imprudently  took  up  arms  at 
Birmingham,  before  they  were  quite  ready  for  the 
revolution,  and  destroyed  much  property  as  well  as 
many  lives.  I  think  there  should  be  a  general  pardon 
of  the  offenders,  the  jails  opened,  and  the  patriots  set 
at  large.  Politics  are  sacred,  and  opinions  are  not  fit 
subjects  for  legal  enquiries.  They  were  evidently  en- 
trapped into  rebelHon,  as  appears  by  the  circumstance 
of  the  Dragoons  being  stationed  at  so  great  a  distance 
as  London,  an  opinion  which  is  strengthened  by  the 
fact,  that  the  head  of  the  county,  though  aware  of  the 
danger,  relied  upon  the  constabulary  force,  for  the 
preservation  of  the  peace,  instead  of  the  military.  A 
general  pardon  of  these  respectable  persons,  whose 
feelings  I  should  be  reluctant  to  see  wounded,  by  their 
being  sent  to  a  penal  settlement,  is  the  most  expedient 
course  that  occurs  to  me,  for  the  scene  being  at  a  dis- 
tance, neither  the  bloodshed  nor   the   destruction   ot 


THE    GREAT    WESTERiV.  159 

property  (dreadful  as  it  must  be  admitted  to  have  been) 
can  ever  reach  us,  and  besides,  many  of  the  objects 
they  demand,  I  fully  approve  of.  Another  subject  of 
complaint  is  the  large  tracts  of  land,  held  by  the  mem- 
bers of  this  family  compact,  who  by  purchase  or  in- 
heritance own  nearly  the  whole  island,  when  so  many 
thousands  of  people  are  anxious  to  get  possession  of 
these  estates,  and  are  not  permitted  to  do  so.  This  is 
a  serious  evil,  and  it  is  my  opinion,  in  all  cases  where 
the  title  is  by  grant,  the  Crown  should  enquire  into 
their  origin,  and  resume  them.  There  are  woods,  and 
parks,  and  uncultivated  land  in  England,  owned  by  a 
few  landholders  of  the  clique,  sufficiently  large  to  sup- 
port all  the  poor  and  idle  people  of  North  America. 
In  France,  during  its  revolution,  which  is  ever  exciting 
the  envy  and  admiration  of  these  respectable  and  intel- 
ligent people,  the  Chartists,  confiscation  of  the  over- 
grown property  of  their  family  compacts,  formed  a 
valuable  source  of  public  revenue  and  private  specula- 
tion, and  they  naturally  regard  the  examples  of  their 
neighbours  as  one  to  be  followed  by  them,  an  idea 
which  I  have  done  my  best  to  encourage.  With  re- 
gard to  the  Church  question,  it  is  necessary  to  speak 
out  plainly.  It  has  been  endowed,  from  time  to  lime, 
with  grants  of  real  estate;  and  the  discontented  party 
very  properly  claim  to  have  an  equal  division  of  thi.s 
property  among  all  those  sects  who  have  none,  and  I 
am  satisfied,  it  is  the  only  rational  way  of  appeasing 
their  clamours.  He  that  gives  may  take  away. — The 
Law  gave  it.  Alter  the  Law  and  take  it  away — in 
either  case  it  is  the  operation  of  Law.  Whatever 
apparent  right,  law  and  usage  may  give  the  Estab 
lished  Church,  to  these  lands,  reason  gives  none,  and 
in  this  enlightened  age,  reason  must  prevail  in  all  mat- 
ters of  religion  ;  and  mysteries,  the  subject  of  faith,  must 
be  given  up.  A  stated  resident  clergy  are  unsuited  to 
a  migratory  people  like  the  English,  who  live  in  rail- 
cars  and  steamboats,  and  stroUing  preachers  like  stroll- 


IGO  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

ing  players,  are  better  adapted  to  their  tastes,  habits, 
and  amusements.  On  all  these  points,  I  have  recom- 
mended their  leaders  to  cultivate  a  good  understand- 
ing with,  and  to  copy  the  excellent  example  of  the 
French,  who  have  destroyed  all  their  family  compacts, 
and  by  assimilating  their  institutions  to  those  of  their 
neighbours,  to  remove  all  occasions  of  heart-burnings 
and  envy. 

Scotland  I  have  not  seen,  but  my  clerk  took  a  ride 
into  it  of  twelve  hours,  and  he  informs  me  that  more 
than  half  the  houses  are  uninhabited,  the  natural  con- 
sequence of  misrule  and  misgovernment.  It  is  easy 
to  conceive  how  great  must  be  the  distress  occasioned 
by  the  abandonment  of  their  houses,  for  as  the  popula- 
tion has  more  than  doubled  notwithstanding,  within  the 
last  twenty  years,  it  is  evident  the  people  must  live  in 
the  open  air,  with  the  beasts  of  the  field,  and  will  soon 
become  as  ferocious  and  as  savage  as  their  compan- 
ions, and,  Uke  Nebuchadnezzar,  feed  on  the  coarse  herb- 
age of  the  earth.  This  startling  fact  has  I  know  been 
doubted,  but  I  am  convinced  of  its  truth,  because  one 
of  their  most  popular  authors  has  endeavoured  to  sti- 
mulate his  countrymen  to  exertion,  to  induce  them  to 
make  rail-roads  and  to  prevail  upon  them  to  adopt  the 
modern  improvements  in  agriculture,  which  is  to  my 
mind  a  convincing  proof  that  he  disapproves  of  the 
Government,  though  delicacy  prevents  his  saying  so ; 
or  perhaps,  being  opposed  to  revolutionary  doctrines, 
he  has  thought  proper  to  conceal  what  he  thinks.  Al- 
though he  has  not  said  so,  therefore  I  conclude  he 
thinks  so,  and  boldly  appeal  to  his  writings  in  support 
of  my  theory  and  facts,  from  the  very  circumstance 
of  his  having  wholly  omitted  any  such  expressions  of 
discontent. 

One  thing  I  certainly  was  not  prepared  to  find,  not- 
withstanding the  very  low  opinion  I  entertain  of  Eng- 
lish institutions  —  namely,  the  debased  and  degraded 
.state  of  the  mercantile  marine. 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  161 

The  same  exclusive  and  compact  feeling  exists  here 
as  elsewhere.  It  will  hardly  be  believed  that  the  entire 
command  of  the  ship  is  intrusted  to  the  Captain — that 
the  seamen  have  no  voice  in  the  choice  of  this  officer, 
nor  any  control  over  him — that  he  has  a  council  com- 
posed of  his  lieutenants  and  mates,  neither  of  whom 
are  elected  by  the  men,  nor  amenable  to  them — and 
that  the  only  responsibility  that  exists  is  to  the  Di- 
rectors, who  do  not  hve  on  board,  seldom  visit  the  ship, 
and  actually  reside  in  Bristol !  If  any  seaman  says  he 
is  dissatisfied  with  this  treatment,  the  Captain  very 
coolly  tells  him  he  may  leave  the  ship ;  and  if  he  re- 
peats his  complaints,  he  does  actually  discharge  him. 
Several  meetings  of  the  sailors  have  taken  place  at 
the  forecastle,  amounting  to  a  large  majority  on  board, 
demanding  an  extension  of  suffrage,  the  election  of 
their  own  officers,  and  responsible  government.  They 
say  a.  knowledge  of  navigation  is  not  necessary  for 
command,  and  that  a  familiarity  with  the  names  of 
the  ropes  is  quite  sufficient.  They  also  protest  against 
the  enormous  salaries  of  the  officers  and  the  immense 
disparity  of  the  pay  of  the  Captain,  which  is  fifty 
pounds  a  month,  and  theirs,  which  is  the  paltry  sum  of 
three  pounds ;  and  although  they  have  repeatedly 
offered  to  do  the  Captain's  work  for  ten  pounds  a 
month,  whereby  a  saving  of  four  hundred  and  eighty 
pounds  a  year  would  be  effected,  their  offers  have  been 
met  by  indecent  ridicule.  Upon  one  occasion  they  re- 
fused to  work  and  actually  armed  and  drilled,  and  the 
Captain,  who  is  a  member  of  the  Church  of  England 
(and  of  course  has  every  bishop  to  back  him),  and  a 
son  of  a  member  of  the  compact  (which  gives  him  the 
support  of  the  whole  official  gang),  a  nephew  of  an- 
other, and  has  a  daughter  married  to  a  Judge  (which 
precludes  every  one  from  any  hope  of  justice  in  any 
case  where  he  is  concerned) — this  man  had  the  as- 
surance to  talk  of  mutiny,  and  in  an  official  letter 
called  them  disaffected.  To  show  the  gross  corruption 
14* 


162  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

of  the  faction  it  is  only  necessay  to  state,  that  instead 
of  saying  their  own  prayers,  which  as  Christians  they 
are  bound  to  do,  the  officers  have  a  chaplain,  at  an  over- 
grown salary,  exceeding  that  of  any  three  sailors  ; 
and  the  boatswain,  who  offered  in  the  most  disinterest- 
ed manner  to  perform  his  duty  for  the  nominal  remu- 
neration of  a  fig  of  tobacco,  and  a  glass  of  grog,  was 
reported  in  a  private  letter  to  the  directors  as  a  trouble- 
some man ;  and  though  the  situation  of  first  lieutenant 
has  been  twice  vacant  since  this  happened,  he  has  been 
as  often  refused  promotion. 

I  have  conversed  with  the  leading  minds  among  the 
sailors,  many  of  whom  are  extremely  well-informed, 
and  exhibit  great  talent.  They  repudiate,  in  the  most 
loyal  manner,  the  idea  of  mutinyzing  or  seizing  the 
ship,  with  great  scorn.  All  they  require  is  to  have 
the  entire  and  sole  command  of  her;  and  are  quite 
willing  to  concede  to  the  directors  the  privilege  of 
protecting  and  defending  her.  They  also  disavow  all 
idea  of  dissolving  British  connexion ;  and  promise  to 
purchase  their  cargoes  in  the  United  Kingdom,  if  a 
bankrupt  law  is  adjusted  on  board,  to  their  satisfaction, 
so  that  they  could  continue  to  do  business,  and  retain 
their  property,  if  ever  they  should  be  so  unfortunate  as 
to  become  bankrupt.  These  are  reasonable  demands ; 
and  a  most  numerous,  influential,  and  highly  respecta- 
ble body  of  our  enlightened  citizens  at  New  York, 
called  Sympathisers,  (of  which  you  are  one,)  are  will- 
ing to  assist  them  in  every  legitimate  mode  to  obtain 
redress  for  these  grievances.  Responsibility  is  now  the 
catch-word  of  the  Chartist  party;  and  they  are  al- 
ready reaping  the  fruit  of  the  seed  sown  by  me ; — a 
quicker  germination,  and  a  more  premature  harvest 
lias  never  been  exhibited  to  the  world.  To  make  the 
upper  branch  of  the  legislature  elective,  will  soon  lead 
to  making  the  throne  elective,  and  universal  suffrage, 
short  parliaments,  and  vote  by  ballot,  naturally  conduce 
to  the  great  end.     The  Chartists  will  then  have  the 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  163 

government  in  their  own  hands,  and  every  body  will 
be  responsible  but  themselves.  In  short,  nothing  will 
satisfy  the  able  and  intelligent  reformers  of  the  party, 
but  an  equalization  of  property.  We  are  all  born 
equally  helpless,  and  we  all  repose  at  last  in  one  com- 
mon receptacle.  Life  is  ushered  in,  and  the  last  scene 
closes,  without  any  distinction,  to  all  alike ;  and  it  is 
not  fitting  that,  during  our  transitory  abode  here,  these 
artificial  differences  should  exist. 

It  is  abundantly  evident  that  every  thing  which  the 
Compacts  call  respectable  and  estimable,  in  England, 
must  be  abolished,  if  they  wish  to  preserve  tranquillity. 
Where  there  is  nothing  to  respect,  there  will  be  nothing 
to  envy ;  and  where  there  are  no  fortunes,  there  can 
be  no  inequality  of  condition.  A  man  who  is  better 
off  than  his  neighbour  should  be  held  responsible  for 
it,  and  he  who  carries  his  head  higher  than  his  fellow- 
citizens,  should  suffer  decapitation  for  his  presumption. 

In  preparing  my  tour  for  publication,  I  have  en- 
deavoured to  avoid  all  partiality.  During  my  residence 
in  England,  I  had  an  ample  opportunity  of  seeing  the 
state  of  the  country,  for  I  sailed  once  up  the  Thames 
in  a  steam-boat,  with  nobody  on  board  but  my  clerks 
and  partner,  so  that  from  the  deck  of  the  vessel  I  saw 
the  condition  of  the  people  uninterrupted.  I  crossed 
the  channel  in  like  manner,  and  spent  twenty-four  hours 
in  Ireland  ;  and  from  the  window  of  the  inn  I  observed 
what  was  going  on  among  the  Ribbon-men  of  that 
island,  and  other  secret  societies  of  Patriots.  Instead 
of  conferring  with  the  principal  inhabitants,  who  all 
belong  to  the  family  compact  party,  and  whose  whole 
souls  arc  absorbed  in  contriving  how  to  enslave  the 
nation,  I  consulted  only  my  own  clerks,  so  that  no  one 
can  say  I  have  prejudices  instilled  into  my  mind,  or 
that  the  important  discoveries  I  have  made,  are  not 
wholly  and  exclusively  my  own.  Of  them  I  feel  I 
have  a  right  to  be  proud,  as  both  original  and  uniqne. 
As  an  appendix  I  shall  add  several  valuable  disserta- 


164  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

tions,  among  which  will  be  found  an  interesting  one  on 
bowel  complaints,  illustrated  by  beautiful  drawings  of 
the  modus  operandi ;  and  on  hallucinations  of  the 
mind.  I  feel  that  it  would  be  criminal  in  me  to  with- 
hold such  valuable  information  as  I  have  collected,  or 
to  deprive  the  world  of  the  use  of  my  discoveries. 
You  must,  therefore,  not  be  surprised  to  see  this  first 
in  print,  before  you  receive  the  original,  as  it  is  im- 
portant the  whole  should  be  made  public  as  soon  as 
possible. 

I  am,  my  dear  Bill  Johnson, 

Yours  truly, 

Timothy  Noddy. 


No.  XXVI. 


LETTER 

FROM  A  COACHMAN  ON  THE  RAIL-ROAD 
LINE. 

Dear  Friend — 

Old  England  and  I  has  parted  for  ever ;  I  have 
thrown  down  the  rains,  and  hear  I  am,  on  board  the 
Great  Western,  old,  thick  in  the  wind,  stiff  in  the  joints, 
and  tender  in  the  feet — I  am  fairly  done  up — I  couldn't 
stand  it  no  longer.  When  you  and  me  first  know'd 
each  other,  the  matter  of  a  dozen  years  agone,  I  drove 
the  Red  Rover,  in  the  Liverpool  line.  You  recollects 
the  Red  Rover,  and  a  pretty  turn-out  it  was,  with  light 
green  body,  and  wheels  picked  out  with  white,  four 
Smart  bays,  and  did  her  ten  miles  an  hour,  easy,  with- 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  165 

out  ever  breaking  into  a  gallop,  and  never  turned  a 
hair.  Well,  I  was  druv  off  of  that  by  the  rails,  apd  a 
sad  blow  that  was,  for  I  liked  the  road,  and  passsengers 
liked  me,  and  never  a  one  that  didn't  tip  his  bob  and  a 
tizzy  for  the  forty  miles.  Them  was  happy  days  for 
old  England,  afore  reformers  and  rails  turned  every 
think  upside  down,  and  men  rode  as  natur'  intended 
they  should,  on  pikes  with  coaches,  and  smart  active 
cattle,  and  not  by  machinery  like  bags  of  cotton  and 
hardware.  Then  I  takes  the  Highflyer,  on  the  South- 
ampton road ;  well,  she  warnt  equal  to  the  Red  Rover 
— and  it  warnt  likely  she  could ;  but  still,  she  did  her 
best,  and  did  her  work  well  and  comfortably,  eight 
miles  to  fifty-five  minutes,  as  true  as  a  tfivit. 

People  made  no  complaints,  as  ever  I  heard  of,  when, 
all  of  a  sudden,  the  rail  fever  broke  out  there,  too ;  up 
goes  the  cars,  and,  in  course,  down  goes  the  coaches, 
and  me  along  with  them.  One  satisfaction  was,  it 
warnt  the  Highflyer's  fault — it  warnt  she  broke  down, 
it  was  the  road ;  and  if  people  is  so  foolish  as  not  to 
go  by  coaches,  why  coaches  can't  go  of  themselves,  as 
stands  to  common  sense  and  reason.  I  warnt  out  of' 
employ  long,  and  it  warnt  likely  I  should — I  was  too 
well  known  for  that ;  few  men  in  my  line  was  so  well 
known ;  and  it  arnt  boasting,  or  nothink  of  the  sort, 
but  no  more  nor  truth  to  say,  few  men  was  better  hked 
on  the  road,  in  all  England,  nor  I  was ;  so  I  was  en- 
gaged on  the  Brighton  hne,  and  drew  the  Markiss  of 
Huntly.  '.  You  knowed  the  Markiss,  in  course,  every 
body  knowed  her,  she  was  better  hossed  nor  any  coach 
in  England ;  it  was  a  pleasure  to  handle  the  ribbons  in 
one's  new  toggery,  where  the  cattle  was  all  blood,  and 
the  turn-out  all  complete,  in  all  parts — 'pointments  and 
all.  We  had  a  fine  run  on  that  line — roads  good, 
coaches  full,  lots  of  lush,  and  travelled  quick.  But  the 
rails  got  up  an  opposition  there,  too,  and  the  pikes  and 
coaches  couldn't  stand  it  no  more  nor  on  the  other  lines. 
The  coaches;  was  took  off,  the  bosses  was  sold  off,  and: 


166  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

there  I  was,  the  third  time,  off  myself,  on  the  stones, 
again.  As  long  as  there  was  any  chance,  I  stood  up 
under  it  like  a  man — it  aint  a  trifle  makes  me  give  in ; 
but  there  is  no  chance,  coaches  is  done  in  England, 
and  so  is  gentlemen ;  sending  to  the  station  for  parcels 
and  papers,  is  a  different  thing  from  having  them  dropt 
at  the  gate,  and  so  they'll  find  when  its  too  late.  Mind 
what  I  telly,  Joe,  the  rails  will  do  for  the  gents,  only 
give  em  time  for  it,  as  well  as  for  the  coaches.  That 
thief's  whistle  of  a  car  is  no  more  to  be  compared  to 
the  music  of  a  guard's  horn,  than  chork  is  to  cheese;  its 
very  low,  that.  It  always  sets  my  teeth  on  edge. 
They'll  find,  some  of  those  days,  what  all  this  levelling 
will  come  to  in  England — I  'm  blest  if  they  don't;  level- 
ling coachmen  down  to  stokers,  is  the  first  step,  the 
next  is  levelling  the  gents  down  to  the  Brummagim 
tradesmen.  They  are  booked  for  a  fall,  when  they'll 
find  no  return  carriages,  or  I 'me  mistaken;  but  it  serves 
'em  right,  where  people  will  be  so  obstinate  as  not  to 
see  how  much  better  dust  is  than  smoke,  and  they 
needn't  even  have  dust,  if  they  choses  to  water  the 
roads,  as  they  ort.  There  is  no  stopping,  now,  to  take 
up  or  put  down  a  passenger.  That  day  is  gone  by, 
and  returns  by  a  different  road.  Accidents,  too,  is 
more  common  on  the  rails  than  on  the  pikes,  and  when 
the  rails  begins,  they  always  kills — there  is  no  hopes 
of  having  the  good  luck  to  lose  a  limb,  as  there  is  with 
coaches.  You  can't  pull  them  up,  as  you  can  bosses, 
they  haint  got  no  sense,  and  it  don't  stand  to  reason 
they  can  stop  themselves,  or  turn  out.  I  never  run 
over  but  one  man  all  the  time  I  was  on  the  road,  and 
that  was  his  own  fault,  for  he  was  deaf  and  didn't  hear 
us  in  time ;  and  one  woman,  and  she  run  the  wrong 
way,  though  the  lamps  was  lit,  and  it  served  her  right 
for  being  so  stupid.  I  have  always  observed  women 
and  pigs  run  the  wrong  way,  it's  nateral  to  them,  and 
they  hadnt  ort  to  suffer  them  to  run  at  large  on  the 
same  road  with  coaches,  for  they  cum  to  be  run  over 


THE    GREAT    WESTERPT.  167 

of  themselves,  and  is  very  dangerous,  frightening  hos- 

ses,  and  upsetting  coaches,  by  getting  under  the  wheels. 

But  its  no  use  guarding  now  against  accidents,  Joe, 

for  coaches  is  done  in  England  and  done  for  ever,  and 

a  heavy  blow  it  is.    They  was  the  pride  of  the  country, 

there  wasn't  anything  like  them  as  I  've  heard  gemmen 

say  from  forrin  parts,  to  be  found  no  where,  nor  never 

will  be  again.     Them  as  has  seed  coaches  afore  rails 

come  in  fashion,  has  seed  something  worth  remembring, 

and  telling  of  agin,  and  all  they  are  fit  for  now  is  to 

stick  up  for  watch-houses  along  the  rails,  for  poleesmen 

to  go  to  sleep  in,  when  they  gets  moppy.     It's  a  sad 

thing  to  think  of,  and  quite  art  breaking  for  them  as 

know'd  their  valy  and  speed  and  safety,  by  day  or  by 

night,  and  could  drive  them  to  the  sixteenth  part  of 

an  inch  of  one  another  and  never  touch.     That  was 

wat  I  call  seeing  life  was  travelUng  in  a  coach,  but 

travelling  by  rails  is  like  being  stowed  away  in  a  parcel 

in  the  boot ;  you  can't  see  nothink  nor  hear  nothink, 

but  coaches  is  done,  Joe,  yes  they  are  done,  and  it's  a 

pity  too — I  couldn't  stand  it  no  longer,  first  one  line 

knocked  up  and  then  another,   and  nothing  seen  but 

bosses  going  to  the  ammer,  and  coachmen  thrown  out 

of  employ.     I  couldn't  stand  it  no  longer,  so  I  am  ofi' 

to  Americka,  to  a  place  they  calls  Nover  Scotia,  where 

they  have  more  sense  and  wont  have  a  rail,  tho  natur 

has  done  one  half,  and  English  money  is  ready  to  do 

the  other.     They  prefers  coaches  and  they  shows  their 

sense,  as  time  will  prove — I  am  engaged  on  the  line 

from  Halifax  to  Windsor,  that  the  new  steamers  will 

make  a  busy  one,  and  where  rails,  as  I  hear,  are  never 

likely  to  be  interduced,  as  they  have  seed  the  mischief 

they  av  done  in  England.     I  only  wish  I  ad  the  old 

Highflyer  or  Red  Rover  or  Markiss  of  Huntly  there 

with  their  cattle,  if  I  ad  Ide  show  the  savages  what  a 

coach  and  bosses,  complete,  and  fit  for  the  Queen  to 

travel  in  was,  but  I  havn't,  nor  can't,  nor  nobody  can't, 

nor  never  will  again,  for  coaches,  such  coaches  as 


168  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

them  I  mean,  which  was  coaches  and  deserved  the 
name  of  coaches  is  done — nobody  wont  see  the  hke 
of  them  again.  Arter  all  Joe,  it  is  a  ard  think  for  the 
like  of  me  as  has  druv  the  first  coach  and  best  team  in 
all  England,  and  the  first  gemmen  of  the  land,  to  go 
out  to  that  orrid  savage  country  Never  Scotia,  to  end 
my  days  among  bad  bosses,  bad  coaches,  and  bad 
arness,  and  among  a  people  too  whose  noses  is  all  blue, 
as  I  hear,  with  the  cold  there.  I  never  expected  to 
live  to  see  this  come  to  pass,  or  the  day  when  coaches 
was  done  in  England,  but  coaches  is  done  for  all  that, 
and  here  I  am  broken  down  in  helth  and  spirits,  groggy 
in  both  feet,  and  obliged  to  be  transported  to  Amerika, 
all  on  account  of  the  rails.  But  if  I  go  on  so  fast, 
talking  of  travelling  in  old  times,  I  shall  be  apt  to  be 
shying  from  the  main  object  of  my  letter,  so  I  must 
clap  the  skid  on  the  off  wheel  of  my  hart  and  go 
gently.  I  shall  have  to  shorten  up  my  w^heel  rains 
preciously  to  come  down  to  terms.  My  eyes,  what 
would  our  old  friend  the  Barynet  say  to  my  driving  a 
team  without  saddles  and  without  breeching,  and  take 
a  steady  drag  of  seventeen  miles — with  leather  springs 
and  linch  pins  instead  of  patent  axles  and  liptics — no 
sign  board,  no  mile  stones.  No  Tom  and  Jerrys,  no 
gin  and  bitters,  coachman  and  no  guards.  Hills  and 
dales  and  no  levels  ;  no  bar-maids,  post-boys,  nor  seven 
mile  stages,  and  what  is  wus  and  wus  wages  and  no 
tip.  Oh  Joe !  my  hart  sinks  to  the  axle  when  I  thinks 
of  the  past,  but  fate  drives  with  a  heavy  hand  and  a 
desprate  hard  curb,  and  I  shall  wait  with  a  sharp  pull 
up  on  my  patience,  till  I  gets  your  next  letter,  and  here- 
after sets  in  my  place  with  melancholy  as  a  passenger 
on  the  box-seat  for  ever.  I  dont  much  like  sending  this 
by  the  Great  Western,  for  steam  has  ruined  me  Joe, 
but  I  've  had  a  copy  made  to  go  by  the  old  coach,  as 
I  calls  the  liner,  and  if  she  gets  the  start  of  leaders 
heads  past  westerns  swingle  trees,  you'll  get  tother  one 
first  never  fear. — I  have  no  hart  to  wTite  more  at 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN^.  169 

present,  though  the  thorts  of  the  ribbins  do  revive  me 
a  bit,  and  when  I  mount  the  box  once  more  I  v^ill  write 
you  again. — So  no  more  at  present  from 

Your  old  friend, 

1  Jerry  Drag. 

P.  S.  Send  me  a  good  upper  Benjamin  of  the  old 
cut,  and  a  broad  Sirsingle,  for  my  lines  is  getting  ru- 
matiz  in  them,  and  it  will  draw  me  up  a  bit,  for  I  was 
always  a  good  feeder,  and  stayin  in  the  stall  here,  and 
no  walking  exercise,  am  getting  clumsey.  Also  a 
decent  whip.  I  always  likes  to  see  a  Jemmy  whip, 
and  so  does  bosses,  for  they  can  tell  by  the  sound  of  it 
whether  a  man  know  his  business  or  not,  as  well  as  a 
christian  could,  and  better  than  one  half  of  them  can. 
I  hear  blue  nose  whips  is  like  schoolboys  fishing-rods, 
all  wood  and  as  stiff  as  the  pole  of  a  coach;  I  couldn't 
handle  such  a  thing  as  that,  and  more  nor  that  I  wont, 
for  I  couldn't  submit  to  the  disgrace  of  it.  Also  a  flask 
for  the  side  pocket,  for  I  'm  informed  them  as  keeps 
inns  on  that  road  is  tea-totallers,  and  a  drop  of  gin 
arnt  to  be  had  for  love  or  money.  Now  that  gammon 
wont  do  for  me — I  'me  not  agoing  for  to  freze  to  death 
on  the  box,  to  please  any  such  Esquimo  Indgian  Can- 
garoos  as  them,  and  they  needn't  expect  no  such  think. 
A  glass  of  gin  I  must  have  as  a  thing  in  course,  so 
dont  forget  it.  Direct  "  Royal  Blue  nose  mail  coach 
office,  Halifax,  Nover  Scotia — care  of  Mr.  Craig — 
Letter  department." 

15  ^ 


170  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 


No.  XXVIL 

LETTER 

FROM   THE   WIFE   OF   A    SETTLER,   WHO 
CANNOT    SETTLE. 

Dear  Elizabeth  — 

My  dear  Simson  has  concluded  to  settle  in 
America,  and  we  are  now  on  our  way  thither,  on  board 
of  the  Great  Western,  and  I  must  say  nothing  can  ex- 
ceed the  delight  of  going  to  sea  in  a  ship  so  splendidly 
fitted  up,  and  filled  with  such  agreeable  company  as 
this,  the  only  drawback  being  that  of  sea-sickness, 
having  been  more  dead  than  alive  ever  since  I  came 
on  board.  Simson,  dear  fellow,  is  full  of  plans  and 
rural  felicity,  and  we  clear  a  farm,  erect  our  buildings 
and  grow  rich  every  day,  sometimes  in  one  place  and 
sometimes  in  another,  but  have  not  yet  made  up  our 
minds  where.  Building  castles  in  the  air  this  way  is 
delightful,  if  they  would  only  stay  there  when  you 
finish  them.  Among  so  many  charming  countries  as 
there  are  in  America,  the  choice  is  rather  difficult,  as 
your  life  is  hardly  safe  in  any  of  them. — The  valley  of 
the  Mississippi  is  said  to  exceed  in  beauty  and  fertility 
most  parts  of  the  world,  and  we  had  thoughts  of 
purchasing  a  plantation  there,  but  they  say  it  is  full  of 
alligators  and  rattlesnakes,  and  the  people  every  now 
and  then  burn  down  a  town,  as  they  recently  did  at 
Mobile,  on  speculation,  so  we  have  given  up  that,  al- 
though it  is  a  great  dissappointment. — We  then  thought 
of  Florida,  but  the  Seminole  Indians,  it  seems,  scalp 
all  the  men,  run  off  with  the  women,  and  murder  the 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  171 

dear  little  children,  so  I  have  succeeded  in  dissuading 
him  from  going  there.  —  Texas,  they  say,  is  a  perfect 
paradise,  and  land  so  uncommonly  cheap  that  you  can 
buy  a  farm  for  the  price  of  a  new  bonnet,  but  earth- 
quakes are  very  common,  and  the  people  so  very  cruel 
they  kill  each  other  with  bowie-knifes  in  the  streets  in 
open  day,  and  so  reckless  that  they  keep  singing  "wel- 
come to  your  gory  bed,"  as  if  it  was  fine  sport:  so  we 
have  had  to  abandon  all  idea  of  it,  as  it  would  be  mere 
madness  to  go  there. 

The  southern  states  we  should  like  very  much,  for 
the  society  is  very  good  and  very  genteel,  and  the 
climate  excellent,  only  a  little  too  hot,  which  causes 
the  yellow  fever  to  rage  so  in  summer  to  that  degree, 
that  the  white  people  have  to  abandon  it  till  winter,  so 
that  it  can  hardty  be  said  to  be  a  desirable  residence, 
added  to  which  is  the  constant  alarm  of  insurrection  of 
the  negroes  and  being  hanged  by  mistake  for  an  aboli- 
tionist. 

New  England  is  a  well  regulated  country,  and  free 
from  all  those  objections,  having  more  educated  men 
and  accomplished  women  in  it,  than  any  other  place  ; 
but  they  all  talk  gibberish,  and  I  hardly  feel  equal  to 
learning  a  foreign  language,  now  that  I  have  this  little 
angel  to  watch  over  and  take  care  of,  and  do  not  like 
to  live  among  a  people  whom  I  do  not  understand. 
Besides,  I  couldn't  think  of  poor  little  Bob  giving  up 
his  English  altogether,  and  talking  nothing  but  Yankee 
Doodle. 

Canada  we  have  had  a  very  favourable  account  of, 
all  people  agreeing  in  saying  it  is  a  beautiful  country, 
and  very  eligible  to  settle  in,  but  they  are  not  only  at 
war  among  themselves  and  with  their  neighbours,  but 
their  practices  are  so  barbarous  it  does  not  deserve 
the  name  of  "  a  civil  war  "  at  all.  A  poor  unfortu- 
nate wretch  of  the  name  of  "  Caroline,"  (I  didn't  hear 
her  surname,  but  I  am  certain  I  am  right  in  her  chris- 
tian one)  was  lately  seized  on  the  American  shore  by 


172  THE  LETTER-BAG  OF 

a  compact  band  from  Canada,  dragged  out  of  her  bed 
at  night  unrigged  as  they  call  it,  and  just  a  bare  pole, 
and  carried  into  the  middle  of  the  river,  and  set  fire  to, 
and  then  sent  over  the  falls  in  a  steamboat,  screech- 
ing and  screaming  in  the  most  awful  manner.  To 
retaliate  this,  those  who  sympathised  with  her  suffer- 
ings, her  friends  and  relations  came  over  in  their  turn 
to  Canada,  and  seized  the  great  Sir  Robert  Peel,  and 
served  him  the  same  way,  by  making  him  take  a  fly- 
ing jib  over  the  rapids.  His  visit  was  cut  so  short, 
they  call  it  a  "  Bobstay  "  in  derision,  and  to  mock  him 
they  said  as  he  was  a  stern  man,  they  would  treat  him 
to  a  spanker,  and  cut  him  with  lashings  dreadfully,  and 
chasing  him  about,  asked  him  how  he  liked  running  rig- 
ging. He  couldn't  have  been  many  days  in  the  country, 
poor  man,  for  Simson  says,  he  is  positive  he  saw  him 
in  the  House  of  Commons  not  a  month  before  he  sailed. 
Then  dear  Simson  is  a  member  of  the  Church  of  Eng- 
land, and  he  would  have  no  chance  there,  for  it  is  con- 
sidered a  great  crime  in  Canada  to  belong  to  that 
denomination,  all  of  whom  are  called  "  family  com- 
pacts "  on  account  of  bringing  up  their  children  to  the 
same  religion  as  themselves,  as  nothing  will  go  down 
there,  but  every  individual  of  a  family  going  to  a  dif- 
ferent place  of  w^orship  from  the  other.  They  say  it 
looks  liberal.  All  those  who  take  up  arms  against 
Government  are  called  Patriots,  and  all  those  who 
stand  up  for  the  Queen  and  Parliament,  are  called 
every  bad  name  you  can  think  of  The  loyal  people 
frequently  get  their  houses  burnt  in  the  night  over  their 
heads,  and  when  the  Patriots  are  caught  doing  it,  the 
hypocrite  villains  say,  it  is  a  christian  duty  to  heap 
coals  of  fire  on  the  heads  of  their  enemies. 

Then  we  thought  seriously  of  New  Brunswick,  but 
that  is  "  too  near  the  line,"  they  say,  to  live  in,  though 
how  a  country  that  is  so  cold,  can  be  "  on  the  line  "  I 
don't  know.  It  borders  on  the  states,  the  nearest  one 
of  which  is  Passa-my-quiddy,  so  named  from  the  people 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  I7SF 

passing  to  each  other  quids  of  tobacco,  which  nasty 
stuff  they  eat  all  day.  One  fellow  points  to  another 
man's  mouth,  and  says,  "  Quid  est  hoc  V  and  the  other 
replies  in  the  same  Yankee  lingo,  "  Hoc  est  quid,"  and 
gives  it  to  him.  The  New^  Brunswickers  who  are  a 
very  loyal  people,  and  very  civil  to  strangers — have 
a  great  deal  of  trouble  with  these  neighbours,  who  are 
all  mad  from  living  "  on  the  line  "  ahvays,  and  all  the 
people  of  the  state  are  called  "  Maine-iacs."  Last 
winter  five  thousand  of  these  unfortunate  wretches 
caught  the  "  Line-ophobia,"  as  it  is  called,  and  armed 
themselves,  and  ran  away  howling  and  screaming  into 
the  midst  of  the  woods,  in  the  month  of  March,  though 
the  snow  was  two  feet  deep,  and  fancying  themselves- 
soldiers,  made  a  target,  with  the  figure  of  our  Gracious 
Sovereign  on  it,  which  they  took  for  an  English  army 
and  fired  at ;  and  then  they  drew  up  a  dispatch,  and 
said  they  had  conquered  the  country  and  gained  a 
great  battle ;  and  Webster,  who  is  supposed  to  have 
caught  the  infection,  declared  ancient  and  modern  his- 
tory had  nothing  to  equal  this  short  but  brilliant  cam- 
paign. 

The  poor  creatures  staid  out  a  month  in  the  wilder- 
ness in  this  horrid  manner,  and  were  badly  frost-bitten, 
most  of  them  having  lost  a  toe  or  a  nose,  or  some  pro- 
minent part  or  another,  with  the  intense  cold.  They 
could  hear  them  yelling  and  blaspheming  all  the  way 
to  Fredericton,  for  they  never  slept  in  the  night,  but 
made  great  fires  and  danced  the  war-dance  round 
them,  like  Indians, — firing  off,  every  now^  and  then,  a 
great  wooden  gun  hooped  with  iron,  and  making 
dreadful  faces  at  the  Brunswackers,  and  calling  them 
bad  names.  One  poor  man  took  a  horse  with  him  into 
the  forest,  and  put  some  yellow  fringe  on  his  coat 
which  was  made  of  a  red  flannel  shirt,  and  stuck  a 
goose's  feather  in  his  hat,  and  took  it  into  his  head  he 
was  a  general,  arid  carried  a  naked  sword  in  his  hand, 
with  which  he  cut  and  slashed  away  at  the  Hmbs  of 
15* 


174  THE   LETTER-BAG   OF 

trees  in  a  most  furious  manner,  thinking  they  were 
British  soldiers,  and  swore  most  awful  oaths — that 
would  make  your  hair  stand  on  end — that  he  would 
give  them  no  quarter.  Then  he  led  his  men  up  against 
a  saw-mill,  which  he  took  for  a  fort,  and  stormed  it, — 
and  as  there  was  no  one  living  in  it,  he  fancied  the 
garrison  had  fought  till  they  had  died.  Webster,  in  his 
great  war  speech,  said  it  was  stronger  than  Gibraltar ; 
and  compared  this  poor  Maine-iac  to  Alexander,  who, 
he  said,  had  an  unsoldier-like  trick  of  carrying  his 
head  on  one  side ;  and  to  JuHus  Csesar,  who  got  licked 
and  Bowie-knifed  at  last,  like  any  other  man ;  and  to 
Napoleon,  who  lost  in  one  day  all  he  ever  conquered ; 
and  to  Wellington,  who  just  left  off  fighting  in  time  to 
save  his  character.  People  say  they  hardly  know 
which  was  most  to  be  pitied,  Webster  or  General  Con- 
rad Corncob,  both  were  so  mad.  The  New  Bruns- 
wickers  were  quite  alarmed  for  fear  some  of  these 
poor  unfortunate  creatures  should  escape  from  Passa- 
my-quiddy,  and  get  into  the  Province  and  bite  some 
of  the  inhabitants,  and  the  "  Hne-ophobia"  should  spread 
among  them.  So  they  had  to  send  a  regiment  of  sol- 
diers out  to  look  after  them,  but  before  the  troops  came 
to  where  they  had  encamped,  the  paroxysm  had  passed, 
they  had  eaten  up  all  their  pork  and  molasses,  punkin 
pies  and  apple  sarce,  and  got  out  of  tobacco,  and, 
worn  out  with  excitement,  cold,  hunger  and  fatigue, 
had  gone  home. 

They  say  if  all  Bedlam  and  the  other  insane  institu- 
tions in  England  were  opened  and  the  inmates  let 
loose,  they  wouldn't  number  half  as  many  as  these 
"  poor  Maine-iacs,"  and  that  they  were  in  such  a 
dreadful  rage  and  so  rabid,  while  the  fit  was  on,  the 
bushes  were  all  covered  with  slaver  and  tobacco-spit- 
tle for  miles.  I  never  heard  any  thing  half  so  horrid 
in  all  my  life, — and  nothing  would  tempt  me  to  live 
"on  the  line,"  if  the  climate  operates  that  way  on  the 
brain  and  makes  people  act  as  if  they  were  possessed 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  175' 

of  a  devil.  The  Lord  preserve  dear  Sim  son  and  me 
from  "  Line-ophobia  !"  It  is  worse  than  cholera  morbus. 

We  now  think  of  Nova  Scotia,  which  some  people 
call  the  happy  valley,  the  natives  are  such  a  primitive 
people,  and  blessed  with  every  thing  that  can  render 
life  agreeable,  and  have  no  taxes,  and  borrow  English 
regiments  and  men-of-war  to  fight  for  nothing;  but 
they  are  subject  to  that  same  disease,  the  "  Line- 
ophobia"  too.  When  they  heard  these  poor  wretches, 
the  Maine-iacs,  howling  in  the  wilderness  last  winter, 
for  they  could  hear  them  quite  plainly,  they  began  to 
foam  at  the  mouth  and  to  howl  too — and  voted  an 
army  and  supplies  of  Blue-nose  potatoes  and  Digby 
herrings  for  them,  to  go  and  fight  those  unfortunate 
people ;  and  they  talked  so  big  and  looked  so  big,  the 
Governor  was  quite  alarmed  about  them,  for  they 
talked  of  having  no  officers  unless  they  were  native 
heroes,  to  lead  them  to  death  or  victory.  So  he  hu- 
moured them;  he  told  them  they  were  valiant  men^ — 
every  body  knew ;  their  zeal  being  only  equalled  by 
the  chance  there  w^as  of  its  being  wanted ;  but  that  it 
was  not  generous  for  so  strong  and  brave  a  people  as 
the  Blue-noses  to  roar  so  loud,  as  the  Americans  would 
either  die  of  fright,  or  never  wait  to  be  beaten,  but  fly 
their  country ;  for,  like  all  other  people  of  such  huge 
stature  and  strength,  the  Nova  Scotians  were  not 
aware  of  their  own  power,  and  that  their  voice  was 
loud  enough  to  be  heard  across  the  Alleghanies  on  one 
side  and  the  Atlantic  on  the  other,  and  strike  terror 
into  all  within  its  reach. 

This  speech  pacified  them  by  tickling  their  vanity, 
and  the  disease  was  kept  off*  for  a  time,  though  the 
very  word  Passa-my-quiddy  sets  their  teeth  on  edge, 
and  makes  them  gnash  and  grit  most  hideously.  All  this 
is  very  alarming,  and  I  hear  too  the  coal  mines  every 
now  and  then  get  on  fire,  which  is  very  dangerous, 
and  has  a  tendency  to  make  them  warm  teaipered,  and 
keep  them  in  hot  water  all  the  time.     Newfoundland 


176  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

has  been  named  as  a  place  of  residence,  but  that  smells 
so  strong  of  dried  codfish  and  seal-oil,  that  I  should 
die  in  a  week ;  and,  besides,  I  hear  it  whispered  some 
of  the  people  eat  their  eggs  out  of  wine-glasses,  which 
I  never  could  stand  I  am  sure — the  very  sight  of  such 
a  nasty  trick  would  throw  me  into  fits  as  it  did  Captain 
Hamilton,  w^ho,  I  hear,  has  never  recovered  the  shock 
his  nerves  received  in  America.  Prince  Edward's 
Island  has  also  been  suggested;  but  there,  they  say, 
the  more  land  you  have,  the  poorer  you  are ;  and  that 
though  the  rent  is  only  two  shillings  a  hundred  acres, 
the  tenants  threaten  to  turn  Patriots  and  Durha  mites 
if  it  is  exacted.  One  proprietor  who  came  all  the 
way  from  England  to  collect  his  rents,  only  got  seven 
shillings  and  six  pence,  and  a  sound  thrashing  for  his 
trouble. 

It  seems  to  me  all  the  world  is  hunting  after  reform, 
which  dear  Simson  says  is  a  locomotive  government, 
that  will  go  of  itself,  and  cost  nothing,  and  every  body 
is  their  own  master,  and  can  do  as  they  please,  and 
that  majority  law  is  the  law  of  the  strong  over  the 
weak;  but  it  is  above  my  comprehension  altogether; 
all  I  know  is,  I  will  be  mistress  in  my  own  house,  and 
the  dear  fellow  makes  no  objection.  Astoria  is  a  fine 
country,  but  it  takes  nine  months'  travel  to  get  there, 
and  that  is  a  serious  objection,  as  there  is  but  few 
things  in  life  worth  that ;  and  you  can  carry  nothing 
so  far,  and  get  nothing  when  you  arrive  there  but  the 
fever  and  ague,  and  that  I  would  rather  be  excused 
from.  Cape  Breton  is  also  well  spoken  of,  only  you 
are  likely  to  be  froze  up  in  your  passage  there,  at  a 
place  called  Gut  of  Canso,  and  nothing  goes  up  or 
down  until  Spring  thaws  it  out.  The  whole  country 
is  covered  with  snow  for  several  months,  up  to  your 
hips,  so  that  when  the  melancholy  season  comes,  they 
say,  they  are  "  hipt ;"  and  the  people  are  so  savage 
they  make  "  slaying"  parties  on  the  ice,  and  call  this 
barbarous  cruel  work,  quite  a  diversion.     They  say 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  177 

the  reason  it  is  so  cold  is  that  it  is  so  far  east,  it  is  a  Httle 
beyond  where  the  sun  rises:  an  American  gentleman 
told  me  so,  who  once  went  there  to  see  it :  for  my  part 
I  am  not  so  fond  of  ice-creams  as  to  desire  to  live  on 
an  iceberg,  like  a  seal,  all  winter,  and  should  prefer  a 
warmer  country.  Bermuda  seems,  after  all,  a  delight- 
ful place,  where  people  have  almost  perpetual  summer, 
only  the  roofs  blow  off  like  straw-hats,  and  makes 
house-keeping  very  difficult ;  and  trees  fly  about  in  hur- 
ricanes Hke  leaves,  which  must  scatter  families  dread- 
fully, and  must  make  separations  that  are  so  sudden 
quite  painful.  The  governor's  name  is  Reid ;  and  he  has 
seen  so  many  storms  there,  he  has  written  a  book 
about  them.  Dear  Simson,  who  is  very  witty,  says  he 
is  "  the  Reid  shaken  with  the  wind."  I  wish  you  knew 
dear  Simson,  he  is  full  of  fun.  He  says  that  the  new 
theory  of  storms  is,  that  instead  of  an  "  avancer,''  it 
takes  a  "  pirouette,"  and  that  the  whole  story  of  it  is 
this : 

Here  we  go  up  up  up, 

And  there  we  down  down  downy; 
Here  we  go  backward  and  forward, 

And  there  we  go  round  round  roundy. 

The  West  Indies  is  the  same,  only  rather  too  hot  for 
clothes,  and  as  flatulent  as  Bermuda ;  besides  which, 
white  servants  cant  live  there,  and  black  ones  wont 
work,  so  that  you  must  now  be  slaves  to  yourselves, 
for  which  being  your  own  masters  is  no  compensation. 
Dear  Simson  says,  emancipation  means  making  black 
white,  and  white  black.  Then  they  suffer  from  crawl- 
ing things  dreadfully,  having  to  stop  their  ears  at  night 
with  cotton  wool  to  keep  them  out,  as  they  are  always 
on  the  look-out  for  the  least  opening  to  hide  in  and 
breed.  Isn't  it  shocking?  So  that  at  present  we 
haven't  made  up  our  minds  where  to  settle,  as  every 
place  has  its  objections  to  counterbalance  its  advan- 
tages. 

It  is  the  same  with  this  steamer,  nothing  can  exceed 


178  THE    LETTER-BAG   OF 

its  splendour,  its  luxury,  and  its  comfort,  but  you  are 
always  in  a  fright  about  blowing  up,  and  expect  to  be 
sent  out  of  bed  some  time  or  another,  without  time  to 
put  your  clothes  on,  into  another  world.  The  com- 
pany too  is  very  genteel,  having  some  real  nobility  on 
board,  and  some  imitation  ones,  called  Honourables, 
from  the  Colonies ;  though  the  great  lords  are  not  tall 
men  at  all,  and  the  little  ones  from  the  Provinces  look 
and  talk  the  biggest  of  the  two.  All  this  is  very 
pleasant,  and  there  are  so  many  foreigners  on  board, 
it  is  as  amusing  and  instructive  as  travelling  into 
strange  countries,  only  you  cant  understand  a  word 
they  say,  for  they  speak  as  many  different  languages 
as  they  did  in  the  tower  of  Babel. 

Dear  Simson  is  very  kind  and  attentive  to  me,  espe- 
cially before  company,  which  is  very  agreeable  and 
looks  well ;  only  I  wish  he  could  bear  the  crying  of 
children  a  little — very  little  better;  but  at  night  he 
sometimes  gets  out  of  patience,  and  swears  he  don't 
know  what  they  were  made  for,  but  to  break  one's 
sleep,  and  destroy  one's  comfort.  Take  it  altogether, 
it  is  certainly  very  agreeable  here,  and  a  sort  of  I-pity- 
me  of  the  world,  and  amusing  and  instructive ;  and,  I 
must  say,  I  enjoy  myself  very  much,  and  would  be 
quite  happy,  if  it  wasn't  for  fear  dear  Bob  w^ould  tum- 
ble into  those  horrid  boilers,  which  would  make  soup 
and  Bouillie  of  him,  as  dear  Simson  says,  before  you 
could  count  ten.  The  very  idea  is  shocking,  I  never 
could  taste  soup  since.  So  are  our  plans  for  emigra- 
ting, very  temping ;  and  the  idea  of  being  extensive 
land-owners,  and  having  an  estate  as  large  as  the 
Duke  of  Sutherland's,  all  your  own,  with  herds  of 
cattle,  and  sheep,  and  horses,  and  buffaloes,  and  all 
sorts  of  things,  and  vineyard,  and  wine  of  your  own 
making,  and  wild  deer  that  cost  nothing  to  keep,  and 
only  the  trouble  of  catching  them,  and  beautiful  prai- 
ries, (that's  the  name  they  give  to  meadows,)  so  large 
that  it  takes  you  a  week  to  ride  across  them  ;  all  this  is 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN".  179 

delightful,  and  makes  me  think  myself  a  most  fortunate 
woman  indeed,  if  I  only  knew  when  it  was  to  come  true, 
or  in  what  part  of  the  globe,  for  in  none  of  the  places 
I  have  mentioned,  would  I  settle  upon  any  considera- 
tion in  the  world.  Dear  Simson  may,  if  he  pleases, 
but  I  wont  go  ballooning  in  a  hurry-cane,  or  be  scalped 
by  Indians,  or  be  bowie-knifed  by  lynchers,  or  frighted 
out  of  my  wits  by  maniacs,  or  frozen  into  a  pillar  of 
ice,  like  Lot's  wife  was  into  salt,  or  be  stifled  by  cod- 
fish smells,  for  all  the  estates  that  ever  w^as,  or  ever 
will  be. 

Simson  is  a  dear,  good  fellow,  and  I  am  the  most 
fortunate  of  my  sex,  and  as  happy  as  the  day  is  long, 
and  will  follow  him  with  pleasure  all  the  world  over ; 
only,  I  wish  he  thought  as  I  did,  that  England,  after 
all,  is  preferable  to  any  of  these  outlandish  places,  if 
people  would  only  think  so ;  and  them  that  are  discon- 
tented had  better  leave  it,  if  they  don't  like  it,  and  not 
try  to  make  it  like  any  thing  else  ;  for  the  reason  I  pre- 
fer and  love  dear  old  England  is,  because  there  is  no 
such  place  in  the  world,  for  if  there  were  many  such 
places,  then  it  wouldn't  be  England  any  longer.  One 
thing,  however,  I  wish  to  assure  you,  and  that  is,  I  am 
quite  happy  in  the  possession  of  dear  Simson,  who  is 
an  angel  of  a  man,  only  a  little  home-sick  and  heart- 
sick, when  I  think  of  those  I  left  behind,  never,  per- 
haps, to  see  again  in  this  world. 

Ever  your  faithfully  and  tenderly  attached, 

Emma  Simson^. 

P.  S.  If  my  next  child  should  be  born  in  the  States, 
will  it  be  a  Yankee,  and  speak  that  foreign  language, 
or  will  it  be  English  ?  I  don't  Hke  to  ask  dear  Simson, 
for  he  is  the  most  feeling  man  in  the  w^orld,  and  would 
go  crazy  at  the  very  mention  of  another  child.  Poor 
dear  fellow,  I  love  him  so,  I  wouldn't  do  any  thing  to 


180  THE   LETTER-BAG    OF 

worry  him  for  the  universe ;  but  some  things  you  can't 
help,  and  this,  in  the  midst  of  all  my  happiness,  makes 
me  miserable. 


No.  XXVIII. 


LETTER  FROM  THE  AUTHOR. 

Gentle  Reader — 

I  cannot  bring  myself  to  pay  so  poor  a  compli- 
ment to  your  taste,  or  my  own  performance,  as  to  en- 
tertain a  doubt  that  you  had  no  sooner  taken  up  this 
book,  than  you  became  so  interested  in  it,  as  not  to  lay 
it  down  until  you  had  read  it  through ;  nor  am  I  less 
assured  that  you  felt  great  regret  that  there  was  not 
more  of  it,  tJnderstanding,  tolerably  well,  the  work- 
ing of  your  mind,  from  a  long  study  of  the  operations 
of  my  own,  I  venture  to  anticipate  a  very  natural  ques- 
tion you  will  ask,  as  soon  as  you  have  perused  it, 
namely,  "  whether  the  author  had  any  other  object  in 
view,  in  writing  it,  than  merely  the  amusement  of  a 
leisure  hour,"  and  hasten  to  gratify  your  curiosity,  by 
assuring  you  that  I  was  most  undoubtedly  actuated  by 
another,  and,  as  you  will  presently  see,  a  better  motive. 

Had  you  had  an  opportunity  of  lifting  the  anony- 
mous veil  under  which  my  diffidence  finds  a  shelter, 
^nd  circumstances  had  permitted  me  to  have  the  hon- 
our and  pleasure  of  your  acquaintance,  during  my 
recent  visit  to  Europe,  you  would  have  found  that,  al- 
though I  am  one  of  the  merriest  fellows  of  my  age,  to 
be  found  in  any  country,  yet  I  am  a  great  approver  of 
the  old  maxim,  of  being  "  merry  and  wise,"  being, 
after  my  own  fashion,  a  sort  of  laughing  philosopher, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  181 

and  that  I  most  indulge  in  that  species  of  humour  that 
has  a  moral  in  it.  "  Life  in  a  Steamer,"  is  fraught  with 
it,  as  I  shall  proceed  to  show  you ;  but  before  I  point  it 
out,  I  must  tell  you  a  story,  (more  meo)  for  I  find  I  grow 
somewhat  rigmarolly  as  I  advance  in  years,  and  am 
more  and  more  addicted  to  the  narrative.  While  making 
the  tour  of  Scotland,  I  spent  a  few  days  at  Kelso,  for 
the  purpose  of  exploring  the  ruins  of  an  ancient  abbey, 
wherein  are  deposited  the  remains  of  the  old  chieftains 
— the  Slicks  of  Siickvillehaugh,  whose  name  I  have 
the  honour  to  bear.  I  don't  mention  this  little  circum- 
stance out  of  personal  vanity,  for  I  am  too  old  for  that ; 
and,  besides,  between  you  and  me,  I  see  nothing  in  an 
ancient  Scottish  descent  from  any  rational  man,  to  be 
proud  of.  I  never  read  of  a  Scot  of  the  olden  time, 
notwithstanding  all  that  Sir  Walter  has  collected,  or 
written  on  the  subject,  without  the  idea  suggesting  itself 
to  my  mind  of  a  huge  raw-boned,  hard-featured  un- 
breeched  savage,  very  poor,  very  proud,  and  very 
hairy.  Indeed,  there  are  good  authorities  at  variance 
with  him  on  this  subject. 

A  vest  Prince  Vortiger  had  on, 
Which  from  a  naked  Scot  his  grandsire  won. 

Now,  the  obvious  meaning  of  this  passage  is,  that 
one  of  the  prince's  predecessors  ran  down  one  of  these 
boors  in  the  chase,  skinned  him,  and  made  a  garment 
of  his  hide,  which  he  wore  as  a  trophy  of  his  skill  and 
valour,  in  the  same  manner  that  a  North  American 
Indian  decorates  his  person  with  the  skin  of  the  bear. 
This,  however,  is  merely  a  matter  of  opinion,  as  well 
as  a  digression,  and  I  only  mention  the  circumstance  at 
all,  to  gratify  my  American  readers,  who,  though  staunch 
republicans,  are  great  admirers  of  old  names,  and  are 
all  in  a  nearer  or  more  remote  degree,  allied  to  the  first 
families  in  the  peerage  of  Great  Britain.  While  thus 
employed  in  enacting  the  part  of  Old  Mortality,  on  the 
banks  of  the  Tweed,  I  observed  one  morning  a  more 
than  usually  large  assemblage  of  the  yeomanry  of  the 
16 


182  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

country,  and  upon  enquiry,  found  it  was  the  day  of  the 
great  corn  market.  Ah  !  says  I  to  myself,  now  I  shall 
have  an  opportunity  of  judging  of  the  fertility  of  this 
beautiful  agricultural  district,  by  seeing  its  accumulated 
products;  but  you  may  easily  imagine  my  surprise  when, 
after  having  several  times  perambulated  the  market,  I 
could  not  find  a  single,  solitary  sack  of  grain.  I  speered 
at  the  first  good-natured,  idle-looking  fellow  I  saw,  (I 
like  that  word,  speered,  it  is  so  appropriate  an  expres- 
sion among  the  cattle-stealers  of  a  border  country, 
where  a  stranger  was  always  saluted  with  a  spear, 
and  relieved  of  the  care  of  his  goods  and  chattels,)  I 
speered  at  him  the  question,  where  have  the  farmers 
put  their  corn  ?  After  a  long  pause,  and  a  broad  stare 
of  astonishment  at  the  gross  ignorance  implied  in  the 
query,  the  fellow  replied,  where  !  why,  in  their  pouch, 
sure.  Pouch !  the  word  was  new  to  my  American  ear, 
as  new  as  an  "  almighty,  everlastin  frizzle  of  a  fiz " 
would  have  been  to  his.  Pouch !  said  I — what  the 
devil  is  that?  Here,  said  he,  and  putting  his  hand  into 
his  pocket,  he  produced  a  very  small  parcel  of  beautiful 
wheat,  and  added,  we  sell  by  sample,  sir.  The  grower 
goes  to  his  granary,  and  thrusting  his  hand  promiscu- 
ously into  the  heap  of  corn,  takes  up  as  much  as  it  can 
contain,  which  is  called  a  *  sample ;'  and  this  is  sup- 
posed so  well  to  represent  the  average  quality  of  the 
entire  mass,  that  the  sale  of  the  whole  lot  is  effected 
upon  the  inspection  of  this  sample.  Ah !  said  I,  my 
friend,  and  stretching  out  the  fingers  of  my  right  hand, 
until  they  represented  the  radii  of  a  circle,  I  applied 
the  thumb  to  the  extremity  of  my  nose,  in  a  horizontal 
position,  (an  odd,  old-fashioned  custom  I  acquired  when 
a  boy,  at  Slickville,  whenever  I  had  caught  a  valuable 
hint,)  ah  !  said  I,  my  friend — notch  ! 

Did  you  ever  see  the  like  o'  that,  said  the  puzzled 
Scot,  to  himself,  and  wha  is  he  ?  A  wrinkle  on  the 
horn,  said  I,  again  applying  the  thumb  to  its  old  signal 
staff,  the  nose,  and  I  thank  you  for  the  hint.     A  wrin- 


THE  GREAT  WESTERN.  183 

kle  on  the  horn,  slowly  repeated  my  astonished  com- 
panion; puir  body,  he  is  daft,  as  sure  as  the  world. 
No,  my  man,  said  I,  not  daft,  but  wiser.  In  America, 
for  you  must  know  I  come  from  that  far-off  country, 
we  ascertain  the  ages  of  our  cattle  by  examining  their 
horns,  at  the  root  of  which,  at  the  end  of  three  years, 
there  appears  a  small  ring  or  wrinkle,  and  each  suc- 
ceeding year  is  marked'  by  another.  This  has  given 
rise  to  a  saying  when  a  man  acquires  a  new  idea,  that 
he  has  got  **  another  wrinkle  on  his  horn" — do  you 
take  '\ 

Puir  thing,  said  he,  with  a  look  of  great  pity,  he 
has  gone  clean  daft — and  he  so  far  from  home  too ; 
has  he  nae  friend  to  see  till  him  ? — and  he  turned  away 
and  left  me.  e-^;.aLU  u  ^.' 

But,  gentle  reader,  it  was  he,  and  not  I,  that  was 
daft.  He  was  a  clown,  and  even  a  Scottish  clown,  as 
far  as  I  could  observe,  is  no  way  superior  to  a  clown 
of  any  other  country, — and  he  did  not  understand  me. 
It  ivas  a  wrinkle  on  my  horn,  and  I  have  since  availed 
myself  of  it.  I  judge  of  mankind  by  sample.  One 
hundred  and  ten  passengers,  taken  indiscriminately 
from  the  mass  of  their  fellow  beings,  are  a  fair  "  ave- 
rage sample"  of  their  species :  the  vessel  that  carries 
them  is  a  little  world,  and  life  in  a  Steamer  is  a  good 
sample  of  life  in  "  the  great  world."  This  little  com- 
munity is  agitated  by  the  same  passions,  impelled  by 
the  same  feelings,  and  actuated  by  the  same  prejudices 
as  a  larger  one.  Poor  human  nature  is  the  same  every 
where.  Here  are  the  same  complaints,  the  same  rest- 
lessness, and  the  same  air  of  perverse  dissatisfaction 
in  their  letters,  as  we  meet  with  on  land.  The  analogy 
that  these  Atlantic  trips  display  to  the  great  voyage  of 
life,  is  very  striking.  We  are  no  sooner  embarked, 
such  is  the  speed  with  which  we  advance,  than  we  ar- 
rive at  our  point  of  destination.  Our  course  is  soon 
run.     It  is  the  power  of  steam  in  both,  and  aUhough 


184  THE    LETTER-BAG    OF 

the  scene  is  varied,  by  calms,  fair  breezes,  and  storms, 
still  the  great  machine  is  in  continual  progress. 

Of  those  with  whom  we  set  out  in  the  voyage  of 
life,  how  few  do  we  encounter  in  our  subsequent  wan- 
derings !  The  intimacy  that  common  hopes  and  com- 
mon dangers  generate,  gradually  subsides,  and  if  we 
meet,  we  meet,  alas !  coldly,  formally,  and  as  stran- 
gers. Life  in  a  Steamer  is  actually  teeming  with  a 
moral.  Are  you  a  politician?  you  may  confirm  or 
rectify  your  notions  by  observing  how  essential  a  good, 
effective,  vigorous,  business-Uke  administration  is  to 
the  safety  of  the  ship  and  the  comfort  of  the  passen- 
gers. Are  you  a  Christian  ?  you  will  not  fail  to  ob- 
serve that  in  consequence  of  its  being  requested  by 
the  Directors  that  every  passenger  should  attend  pub- 
lic worship,  every  one  does  so ;  from  which  you  may 
perceive  the  advantages  resulting  from  a  union  of 
church  and  state, — and  when  the  whole  community 
thus  meets  together  to  unite  in  their  supplications,  you 
cannot  but  see  what  a  blessed  thing  it  is  for  brethren 
to  dwell  together  in  unity — how  immeasurably  supe- 
rior this  union  is  to  dissent — and  must  admit  that  they 
who  laid  the  foundation  of  your  established  National 
Church,  were  both  wise  and  good  men.  Are  you  a 
moraHst  ?  then — but  I  will  not  pursue  it.  The  analo- 
gies and  inferences  are  too  obvious  to  render  it  neces- 
sary for  me  to  trace  them ;  but  nevertheless,  it  is  a 
useful  and  an  edifying  task,  and  I  recommend  you  to 
reflect  for  yourself.  From  these  remarks  you  will  ob- 
serve that  *'  Life  in  a  Steamer"  is  "  a  leaf  of"  the  great 
Book  of  the  World,  and  may  well  be  applied — "  to 
point  a  moral  and  adorn  a  tale." 

So  much  for  the  general  reader;  and  now  a  few 
words  at  parting,  to  my  good  friends,  the  Nova  Sco- 
tians.  I  am  desirous  of  availing  myself  of  this  op- 
portunity to  call  the  attention  of  my  countrymen,  the 
"Blue-noses,"  to  the  importance  of  steam,  of  which 
they  unfortunately  know  but  little  from  their  own  ex- 


■^HE  GREAT  WESTERN.  185 

perience ;  of  entreating  them  to  direct  their  energies 
rather  to  internal  improvement  than  poHtical  change ; 
to  the  development  of  the  resources  of  their  beautiful, 
fertile,  and  happy  colony,  rather  than  to  speculative 
theories  of  government;  and  also  to  urge  upon  them, 
that  the  "responsibility"  we  require,  is  the  responsi- 
bility of  steam. 

Since  the  discovery  of  America  by  Columbus,  no- 
thing has  occurred  of  so  much  importance  to  the  New 
World,  as  navigating  the  Atlantic  by  steamers  ;  and  no 
point  of  the  continent  is  likely  to  be  benefited  by  it  in 
an  equal  degree  with  Nova  Scotia,  which  is  the  near- 
est point  of  land  to  Europe,  and  must  always  possess 
the  earliest  intelhgence  from  the  Old  World.  Which- 
ever party  is  in  power  in  England,  Tories  or  Whigs, 
the  Government  is  always  distinguished  by  the  same 
,  earnest  desire  to  patronize,  as  it  is  to  protect  the  colo- 
nies, who  have  experienced  nothing  at  the  hands  of 
the  English,  but  unexampled  kindness,  untiring  forbear- 
ance, and  unbounded  liberality.  The  recent  grant  of 
fifty-five  thousand  pounds  a  year,  for  the  purpose  of 
affording  us  the  advantage  of  a  communication  by 
steam  with  the  mother  country,  which  was  not  made 
grudgingly,  or  boastingly,  or  as  an  experiment,  but  as 
early  as  it  was  proper  or  safe  for  it  to  be  done,  and  as 
freely  as  it  was  kindly  bestowed,  leaves  us  in  doubt 
whethefr  most  to  admire  the  munificence  of  the  gift,  or 
the  power  and  wealth  of  the  donors.  No  country, 
that  is  kept  in  a  continual  state  of  agitation,  can  either 
be  a  happy  or  a  flourishing  one ;  and  it  is  our  peculiai 
good  fortune  that  with  us  agitation  is  unnecessary.  If 
there  should  be  any  little  changes  required  from  time 
to  time,  in  our  limited  political  sphere,  (and  such  occa- 
sions sometimes  do,  and  iflways  will  occur  in  the  pro- 
gress of  our  growth,)  a  temperate  and  proper  represent- 
ation will  always  produce  them,  from  the  predominant 
party  of  the  day,  whatever  it  may  be,  if  it  can  only  be 
demonstrated  that  they  are  wise  or  necessary  changes. 
16* 


186  THE   LETTER-BAG   OF 

It  is  the  inclination  as  well  as  the  interest  of  Great 
Britain  so  to  do ;  and  whoever  holds  out  any  doubts 
on  this  subject,  or  proclaims  the  mild,  conciliatory,  and 
parental  sway  of  the  imperial  government,  "  a  baneful 
domination,"  is  no  friend  to  Nova  Scotia,  or  British 
connexion,  and  should  be  considered  as  either  an  igno- 
rant or  a  designing  man.  Canada  has  become  so  bur- 
thensome  an  appendage  of  the  British  empire,  from  the 
intrigues  of  discontented  men,  that  many  of  our  friends 
on  the  other  side  of  the  water,  doubt  whether  it  is 
worth  holding  at  such  an  enormous  expense.  Op- 
pressed we  never  have  been — coerced  we  never  will 
be.  Every  thing  has  been  done,  that  is  either  just  or 
reasonable,  or  liberal,  for  us.  We  always  have  been, 
and  still  continue  to  be,  the  most  favoured  people  in  the 
British  empire.  Let  us  show  ourselves  worthy  of 
such  treatment,  by  exhibiting  our  gratitude,  and  sus- 
tain the  reputation  we  have  hitherto  borne,  of  being 
the  most  tranquil  and  loyal  Colony  in  North  America. 
Let  us  not  be  too  importunate  for  change,  or  we  may 
receive  the  very  proper,  but  to  many,  the  very  unex- 
pected answer — "  Govern  yourselves :  you  appear  to 
be  so  difficult  to  please,  so  determined  not  to  be  satis- 
fied, that  we  give  up  the  attempt  in  despair.  You 
are  independent,^^  This  is  no  improbable  event — no 
ideal  danger — no  idle  fear.  I  regret  to  say,  that  such 
a  course  has  already  numerous  and  powerful  advo- 
cates in  England,  and  is  daily  gaining  ground  even 
among  our  best  friends,  and  staunchest  supporters. 
They  are  wearied  out  with  unfounded  complaints,  with 
restless,  unceasing  cravings  for  change,  and  their  own 
repeated,  but  ineffectual  attempts  to  give  satisfaction. 
They  say,  they  see  no  alternative  left  but  coercion, 
which  they  will  not  resort  to,  or  "cutting  the  tow- 
rope,"  and  casting  us  adrift.  No  true  friend  to  his 
country  can  contemplate  such  an  event  as  a  dissolu- 
tion of  British  connexion,  without  the  severest  regret, 
the  deepest  remorse,  the  most  painful  apprehensions. 


THE   GREAT    WESTERN.  IS? 

The  withdrawal  of  the  army  and  navy  from  Halifax; 
the  striking  of  the  flag  of  Old  England  on  the  Citadel 
Hill ;  and  the  last  parting  salute  of  our  old  friends,  as 
they  left  our  shores  for  ever,  would  be  the  most  mourn- 
ful spectacle,  and  the  severest  infliction,  that  an  aveng- 
ing Providence  has  in  store  for  us.  It  would  be  a  day 
of  general  gloom,  and  universal  lamentation.  All  men 
of  property  and  reputation — all  persons  of  true  British 
feeling — every  man  in  a  situation  to  do  so,  would  leave 
us ;  and  capital,  credit  and  character  would  follow  in 
the  train.  We  should  be  inundated  with  needy  adven- 
turers, unprincipled  speculators,  loafers,  sympathisers, 
and  Lynchers,  the  refuse  of  America  and  Europe ;  and 
this  once  happy,  too  happy  country  would  become  an 
easy  prey  to  civil  dissension,  like  the  petty  states  of 
South  America,  or  to  the  rapacity  of  foreign  adven- 
turers like  the  Texans. 

That  such  a  measure  of  retributive  justice  is  in  store 
for  us  (should  the  infectious  agitation  of  Canada  unhap- 
pily reach  us),  no  man  who  has  visited  Great  Britain  and 
mingled  freely  and  extensively  with  its  people  as  I  have 
done,  can  entertain  a  doubt.  Wherever  I  went  and  with 
whomsoever  1  conversed,  the  opinion  constantly  met 
me :  "  It  would  be  better  for  us  if  we  were  separated 
— you  never  will  be  contented  to  remain  as  colonists, 
you  are  causing  us  a  greater  expenditure  than  we  can 
afibrd — we  cannot  support  two  Irelands — it  is  time  to 
give  you  your  independence,^' — This  book,  whatever 
its  reception  may  be,  will  at  least  circulate  among  all 
my  personal  friends  in  England,  which  is  the  best  evi- 
dence I  can  give  you  of  my  conviction  of  the  existence 
of  this  feeling ;  for  by  proclaiming  it  in  the  presence 
of  those  by  whom  1  assert  that  it  is  entertained,  I  af- 
ford them  an  opportunity  of  repudiating  it,  if  unfound- 
ed. Let  us  not  therefore  be  led  astray  by  any  of  those 
theories,  how^ever  plausible  and  captivating  they  may 
appear  to  be,  that  are  now  advocated  with  such  in- 
temperate heat  in  Canada.     Nova  Scotia  never  was  iu 


188  tttfi   LEttfiR-BAG   OP 

SO  flourishing  a  condition  as  it  is  at  present.  Its  trade 
is  enlarging,  its  agriculture  improving,  and  its  popula- 
tion increasing  most  rapidly,  while  the  character  of  its 
merchants  for  honourable  and  upright  dealing  stands 
higher  than  that  of  any  other  community  on  the  whole 
American  continent. — Politics  unfortunately  engrosses 
too  much  attention  every  where  to  the  exclusion  of 
many  indispensable  duties.  Party-men  are  apt  to  mag- 
nify its  importance  for  their  own  purposes,  and  to  ex- 
tol it  as  a  panacea  for  all  the  ills  of  life ;  but  experi- 
ence teaches  us  that  the  happiness  of  every  country 
depends  upon  the  character  of  its  people,  rather  than 
the  form  of  its  government. — Why?  asks  the  philoso- 
phical Goldsmith,  after  an  attentive  examination  of 
many  of  the  European  states, 

"  Why  have  I  stray'd  from  pleasure  and  repose, 
To  seek  a  good  each  government  bestows  ! 
How  small  of  all  that  human  hearts  endure, 
That  part  which  laws  and  kings  can  cause  or  cure  !" 

Let  us  keep  out  of  the  vortex  of  political  excitement, 
learn  how  to  value  the  blessings  we  enjoy,  and  study 
how  we  can  best  promote  the  internal  communications 
and  develope  the  resources  of  our  native  land. 

The  time  has  now  come  when  the  great  American 
and  colonial  route  of  travelling  must  commence  or 
terminate  at  Halifax.  On  the  importance  of  this  to 
Nova  Scotia  it  is  unnecessary  for  me  to  expatiate, 
as  it  speaks  for  itself,  in  a  language  too  plain  and  in- 
telligible to  be  misunderstood;  but  these  advantages 
we  can  neither  fully  enjoy,  nor  long  retain,  without  a 
^^  rail-road''  from  Halifax  to  Windsor.  It  is  now  no 
longer  a  matter  of  doubt  or  of  choice,  circumstances 
have  forced  it  upon  us.  We  owe  it  to  the  liberality 
of  the  British  government,  to  make  all  those  arrange- 
ments that  shall  give  full  effect  to  the  noble  scale  upon 
which  they  have  undertaken  the  Atlantic  steam-naviga- 
tion. We  owe  it  to  New  Brunswick  and  Canada  to 
complete  our  portion  of  the  great  intercolonial  line, 


THE    GREAT    WESTERN.  189 

and  above  all  we  owe  it  to  ourselves  not  to  be  behind 
every  other  country  in  appreciating  and  adopting  those 
great  improvements,  which  distinguish  the  present  age. 
And  now,  gentle  reader,  it  is  time  for  me  to  make 
my  bow  as  well  as  my  sea-legs  will  allow  me,  and  re- 
tire. In  doing  so,  permit  me  to  express  a  wish  that 
your  voyage  of  life  may  be  the  very  opposite  of  that 
of  a  steamer,  in  point  of  duration,  and  resemble  it  as 
nearly  as  possible  in  the  one  grand  essential,  namely 
in  making  the  best  use  of  your  time. 

I  have  the  honour  to  be, 

Your  most  obedient  servant, 

The  Author. 


THE  END. 


-^  .. 


